This is my story...

[RedBranchKnight]

Its been a few months since things with my ex ended, apart from a brief reunion that lasted 2 weeks in December! Lately Iv been having strong urges to get back in touch with her, and really been missing having her around to talk to and so on. Like to vent this when I feeling like this so Ill give this journal thing a shot...

 

Its weird, at times I feel really annoyed and want to tell her about it because of how it all ended last time round, but I know she wouldnt care and that would just make things worse for me. It was my birthday last Wednesday and she actually remembered and texted, just a few back and forth saying how things were and that was that. Felt lousy afterwards, despite feeling good at the time because we hadnt spoke at all in about 7 weeks. I remember for a couple of weeks I was on the brink of calling her everyday but held off because I knew I didnt want to know what was going on in her personal life and she didnt care about mine. She was actually like that with most her friends; if she finished a relationship with anyone she immediately became cold and distant seemingly with ease. Including me despite going out a year and a half.

 

Was over in Edinburgh for a few days recently too with guys from the university rugby team, was great craic! Anyway, starting back to uni on Monday. Actually looking forward to it since Im so bored these days and dont seem to be seeing any of my friends regularly. Oh yea, Iv had an ankle injury for months now, cant run on it so I cant play rugby anymore. Was at a physio at the university about it and she said she thinks its gonna be a life-long thing and Ill need my ankle wrapped up anytime I wanna play and thats been really horrible to hear. Getting back to training at the gym though (recently broke a bone in my foot, but its healed now I think and the cast is off, so Ill keep that up.

 

Been a lousy few months since the relationship ended. I remember before I met her things werent that grerat in my life. Trouble at home, lost contact with all of my school friends when I started university, was very introverted but I was comfertable being like that, I was doing a course I didnt want because I didnt get enough points for my first choices and I ended up having to repeat first year because I failed some exams. It wasnt until after my 20th birthday I met an old friend who I started hanging out with, then a while later I made a few new friends who since have become close and great friends, then I met her. We had a great first date, and everything picked up after that. Just feel like Im back to square 1 again now that shes gone outta my life altogether.

 

Anyway, getting late here so Ill end this for now. Also, the title is a quote of a fictional character I liked and seemed apt for this

[bobsiesprincess]

hey redbranchknight.

 

your story is quite similar to mines in ways....... just the sort of your life wasnt that great before you met her and now you're back to square one. it sucks!

 

and also im the same with wanting to vent when i want to break NC, ive found my journal has helped me loads. not even just with NC, i feel like im talking to someone when i write in it so it stops me talking to people i know about stuff

 

did you have a good time in edinburgh? what did yous do? drink, shop and see the sights? i love edinburgh!

[RedBranchKnight]

hey redbranchknight.

 

your story is quite similar to mines in ways....... just the sort of your life wasnt that great before you met her and now you're back to square one. it sucks!

 

and also im the same with wanting to vent when i want to break NC, ive found my journal has helped me loads. not even just with NC, i feel like im talking to someone when i write in it so it stops me talking to people i know about stuff

 

did you have a good time in edinburgh? what did yous do? drink, shop and see the sights? i love edinburgh!

 

 

Hey bobsiesprincess.

 

It really is lousy feeling like everything has been seemingly for nothing and that its back to square one again. That isnt the case of course (for either of us), but at the moment its how it feels. Especially since she has had so little trouble in completely forgetting about me and cutting me out of her life. Hopefully this journal thing will be of help, my friends dont really want to hear about it and so I dont let on to anyone that Im bothered at all about things. I like to vent things though, it usually keeps me from making mistakes I know Ill regret very quickly! lol

 

Edinburgh was great craic, stuff that happened was hilarious! There was 15 of us, all from the team. We were celebrating the end of the tournament during semester 1 (I should say commiserating instead of celebrating actually ). Just over for a few days drinking and having a laugh, didnt get much sight seeing done at all unfortunately. Edinburgh seemed a really great city though. Iv been in Glasgow a couple of times too and thought it was great, but really liked Edinburgh alot!

[bobsiesprincess]

Man, a whole Irish rugby team in Edinburgh, the girls must have been loving it!

 

I live pretty near Glasgow, I go to uni there. Its alrite for a night out, but you need to watch where you go, theres alot of neds and stuff. Edinburghs much nicer like to look at. I went on this ghost walk in Edinburgh once and it was pure amazing!

 

sorry...... im just going on about nothing cos im bored... ignore me!

[RedBranchKnight]

Man, a whole Irish rugby team in Edinburgh, the girls must have been loving it!

 

I live pretty near Glasgow, I go to uni there. Its alrite for a night out, but you need to watch where you go, theres alot of neds and stuff. Edinburghs much nicer like to look at. I went on this ghost walk in Edinburgh once and it was pure amazing!

 

sorry...... im just going on about nothing cos im bored... ignore me!

 

 

Rant away bobsiesprincess, sure Ill be doing the same! Ah we had great fun in Edinburgh. People were really nice and things were very cheap compared to over here despite the exchange rate. I go to university in Dublin and Dublin city is VERY expensive to have nights out in! Great place though. Thought Glasgow had great bars and clubs too, had grat craic the times Iv been over. Oh yea, whats a ned? lol

[RedBranchKnight]

Just been home most of the day today, was meant to go out to watch the match with friends, but just never happened so I watched it at home. Gonna get set for the gym and maybe head out later, but I have a a suspicion itll be called off. Always happens lately! So very bored today, and Iv been really tired for the last while too which is weird. Ankle is really getting to me so Im gonna head back down to the physio at university and get it checked again and see if I can get a support brace for it or something maybe because I cant even walk on it without it being really sore these days, so cant do much at all. Its been snowing the last couple of days though, so at least thats good! lol

[bobsiesprincess]

ned = link removed

[RedBranchKnight]

Hey, just feel like having a bit of a rant at the moment so; over the last week or so I was having a good time, but occasionally Id have moments when Id think of my ex. Really just miss talking to her. Its really frustrating and annoying that it gets to me so much. I know theres no way we could go out again unless something massive was done and that I dont want to be in her life as just a friend, and more importantly that she doesnt care either way, but I cant stop myself feeling down at times over it.

 

I was at home by myself the other evening because my family were all out and my friends were busy or too tired to meet up and I was just tthinking that at times like that Id always be busy texting her and having a laugh, passing the time, but cant anymore. I always get an overwhelming feeling at t imes like that that everything going on at the moment is really boring, or like Im missing out on life (really hard to describe). Like, when I was 19, I remember on New Years eve thinking to myself Id lost touch with all my friends over the last couple years, I had become extremely closed off from family and everyone really and very introverted, but I didnt realise/think that was a bad thing because I was comfortable being by myself and not having to really rely on anyone else.

 

It wasnt til I started university and saw everyone else having fun that it really started to get to me and changed my thinking. So at New Years this year, 3 years on, I was thinking how much everything had improved; Iv a close circle of good friends, get on much better with my family, play rugby at the university, Im about to graduate, I hate being introverted and Im more outgoing and open to new things. But at the same time, it all feels like its worthless since my ex isnt around anymore. Its a very long story, and I dont have time to get into it all now! Feels good to get that all typed out though!

 

 

 

Anyway, was out with my friends last night watching the Superbowl at a bar in the city centre. It was great craic, trhe match started around 11.30pm Irish time and finished about 3.30am. The bar was jammed and there was a brilliant atmosphere. It must have been about 85% American, they know how to have a good laugh!

[RedBranchKnight]

ned = link removed

 

Haha, ah right. 'Skanger' is the word in Ireland

[RedBranchKnight]

I know Im posting a rant in this for the second time today, I but want to. Been feeling absolutely lousy and down for hours now. My ex texted me about 7 or so, just saying hi and how was the first day back in university (she changed over to my university this year and is in the same faculty as me, how perfect I thought it would be back in summer... ). Just tried to keep things short and let on I wasnt interested in talking, but we texted back and forth for a bit, nothing but small talk; no mention of what was going on in each others lives. Iv felt like rubbish since then. I miss talking to her so much, but this is exactly why I cant talk to her, it just gets me down. Once again, its just SO frustrating, I know we cant go out again, I know she doesnt care and I know she isnt the right person for me (come to accept that by now, well I think I have...), so why does it bother me this much???? All I want to do know is text her back to get more small talk going, dunno why because itll make me feel worse and will lead to absolutely nothing, but its all I want to do. I still really miss despite everything that happened. Im gonna head to bed shortly, Iv a long day in university tomorrow, meeting with guys I really cant stand anymore but have to because Im doing a group assignment with them.

 

Just gonna get on with things though, itll pass, tomorrows a new day. Hate times like this though. Anyway, thats that.

[RedBranchKnight]

The last week has been really lousy. Iv been so busy getting back into the routine of university and training and seeing a physio, havnt had much time at all. Been feeling really down and just have nobody I can talk to or even just hang out with. Same old thing seems to keep happening, getting into a rut and I dont know what I should do to get out of it! Everything is going fairly well at the moment in terms of uni and getting back to training, and Im still heading out the odd time (although anytime Im out and talk to a girl I feel guilty and like Im doing something horrible on my ex...), so its really frustrating. I was out with my mates the other night and they brought up that I never seem to enthuasiastic about nights out or drinking lately and I told them its just because Im finding it hard getting back into the old routine without my ex (first time Iv told them that because I usually just act like Im grand). Anyway, I just got semi-berated by my best friend over it for being stupid enough to fall for someone at my age (he really doesnt think relatioships are a good thing til around your late 20s!)

 

Sometimes lately I kinda get the feeling that anybody new who Ill meet willl just be '2nd best' or a 'place-filler' and will never measure up to my ex. Probably natural since its only been 3 or 4 months, but lousy none the less. Id give anything to be able to go back 6 months and do things differently *sigh* Bah, wont make another rant about it right now

 

My exam results are out tomorrow too and Im very nervous over them. Anyway, its 2.45am here and the reason Im still up is because I was exhausted when I got home from uni today at 6.30 and went straight to bed and slept til 1am! Missed the gym tonight and all because of it, and now Im wide awake. Everyones asleep, so I think Ill go watch a DVD or surf the net for a while. Fingers crossed I pass my exams tomorrow!

[RedBranchKnight]

Got my results the other day, I passed them all, but I was disappointed with the average I got. I was hoping for a 1.1, but Im course for a 2.1 at the moment now. Ah well, still good though!

 

Iv been fairly busy the last few days, getting back training very well, so Im happy about that and Im relieved about the reults because 1 of the exams went terribly and I was very worried I might have failed. I was out the other night with some friends and was having a good time, but I had a fight with one of my best friends (I still dont know why he went off the handle like that or what caused it), anyway he flipped me off and gave me some nasty looks for a while. He had way too much to drink and was in bits, I think it was over some girl he was with, but like I said I dont know. Anyway, the next day all was forgotten and that was that. I still cant believe one of my best friends would behave like that towards me. Oh, my ex texted me, she failed 5 of her 6 exams and needed to know how to register to repeat them. Karma...? Ah na, I told her what to do to register and I wish her the best of luck.

 

Still feeling down a bit these last few weeks, but not too bad! I really have been missing my ex alot, still wish we could speak and hang out like we used to, but I know we cant... Im gonna be up to my eyes with university work for a while, and my foot is acting up again so Ill need to pay a visit back to the hospital I guess, thats all thats happening at the moment!

[RedBranchKnight]

Man, such an absolute lousy day today, I feel terrible. Just so down and out. I made an unbelievably stupid move today; for the first time in ages I checked her Bebo profile, dont know why I looked, and sure enough I saw what I didnt want to see. So idiotic of me. I dont know why I do this and I dont know why I find it so hard to let go of the past and move on into the future. And I feel guilty because I know there are people so much worse off than me and yet I feel like Im going through hell over this. Im not gonna get into a big long rant over this right now actually, Ill do something else. I feel really down and also really weak and shocked for some reason, its weird. Guess I feel pretty alone at the moment, I have so few hours a week in uni and no part time job at the moment, so I have too much free time on my hands, and Iv tried calling and texting friends but no reply.

 

I guess this is all part of the process though, first love, first break up and so on. Time does make it better though, so Ill just keep looking towards th future! Its weird, when I was out the other night, some random woman in the club we were at came over to me and asked why I seemed so down, I was really surprised she even noticed, and without saying much at all she knew I was just after breaking up with my girlfriend and that she was my first love. She was really nice and said shes been there and her current boyfriend ended an 8 year relationship only a year ago. The thing she said that really stuck with me thoguh was that she said nobody every really gets over their first real love. Thats the exact opposite to what I had been hearing; everyone keeps saying its eaier with time (which is true) but that the first love is the best only until the next comes along. I kind found the idea that Ill never get over my ex enitirely kind of liberating, its really weird, it was as if I suddenly though "Oh, Ill never be fully over her, so I might as well just get on with things and stop trying to heal and get better and wait to be happier, and just accept things as the status quo and deal with it". I know that sounds really weird and maybe it makes no sense reading it, but it felt good or relieving at the time and still kinda does. Its good too to remind myself Im not the first person on earth to go through this, and I wont be the last.

 

Anyway, that actually feels good to get that all down. Shall leave it at that for now

 

 

EDIT: This is a testament to how clever and intelligent I am, just got off the phone with my ex there having called her because she text me asking about repeating her exams again. I really do seem to have to learn things the hard way.......

[bobsiesprincess]

aw man im so sorry about the bebo thing. i cant imagine how id even deal with that, even now 6 months on him being with someone else would break my heart. maybe you should delete bebo soyou dont make that mistake again? although that might not work if shes got a public profile. luckily my ex bebo is private so after i deleted my bebo i had no chance of seeing his profile!

 

with thephone call........ i guess you do have to learn things the hard way. after all, this is your first love and first big break up so youll make all the mistakes.

 

people have said that to me about you never get over your first love, but it just depresses me. my mum said that whats meant by it is that you wont always be sad about it, but you'll always look back at it fondly... i guess that aint to bad!

 

your situation is sooo similar to mine with the uni and not working just now. you feel alone just now. but it will pass. keep trying with the friends or look for new people (easier said than done).

 

really hope you perk up a bit soon.

[RedBranchKnight]

Thanks bobsies. With regards the part about never fully getting over my ex, I kinda liked that idea because even though things between her and me are terrible now, I still have loads of great memories of being with her, hurts to think of them now but I want to keep those memories... I didnt mean never fully getting over the ex in terms of never being able to love anyone as much again, more that Ill always care about her and have good memories even though we dont love each other anymore. I like that idea because I really did love her very much and she did me at one point, so I like to think Ill be able to hold onto the good times. Really hard to articulate what I mean! Am I making any sense?

 

I deleted her profile months ago for the specific reason I didnt want to know if she had a new boyfriend and didnt want to see flirty messages from other guys on her page, but its a public profile and I gave in to curiosity and paid the price. Feels horrible knowing someone else is gonna have her attention and affection the way I used to, but what can ya do except move on I guess

 

Thanks for the post, really appreciate it. Nice to know youre in a similar situation (in an empathic kinda way). Hope our situations pick up for both of us!

[RedBranchKnight]

Havnt been at uni for the past couple of days, decided to sleep in and take the days off, very lazy of me, but meh I was doin a bit of thinking there the other day and decided that for the time being its best if I just phase my ex outa my life as much as is possible. Decided that I wont initiate any contact with her anymore, not for small talk or for seeing how she is or anything, and if she texts or anything then Ill just be polite but short. Everytime I talk to her I always just feel down afterwards

 

It was odd when I decided to do this no contact thing once and for all, because last night I got a text on her outta nowhere asking me about the univeristy gym (we're in the same uni and same faculty... oh the joy! lol), so rather than replying with a long text and trying to have a chat or whatever I just sent her a short reply answering her question. Then she sent me another, so I just replied and ignored the following one I got. It was weird though, I felt so guilty and bad for not entertaining her texts and talking to her, but I have my reasons for knowing why I have to take this course of action.

 

I remember when she broke up with me the first and second time, Id have no contact with her and she'd eventually crack and come back all apologetic much to my surprise, but at least this time I know for certain there wont be any reunion or random call some evening asking to meet; this is entirely for my own benefit. Gonna be difficult though! I figure Ill wait til after the exams in June to get in touch with her (I know I probably shouldnt have any time period in my mind to get in touch with her, but it helps as a type of goal). Loads Id like to write at the moment, but I dont have the time and it'd probably make little sense.

 

Anyitme I wanna text or call her or whatever Ill post here or text someone else or do something else. None of my friends have been there for me AT ALL this whole time. They just dont want to hear anything about it, anytime I ever brought up the fact I missed her or felt down or anything I usually just got berated. We're all a bunch of lads so I guess thats not extremely unusual to not want to talk about things like this, but still annoying or frustrating at times. One of my friends has been in my position and still is actually despite seeing someone new, but doesnt talk about it much at all. One good thing came of that though I guess, in the first few weeks I was really down and had nobody to talk to, so I talked to my mam. I dont really get along to well with my parents since I was a child (long, long, long story), but it did make us closer and really strenghtened the relationship I have with her. Going off topic now....

 

Other than that, not much happening at the moment. I have an assignment due Monday, and Im getting back to the gym full time now like I was a year or so ago, actually really happy with the gains and progress being made! My foot is getting sore and swollen again, might have another fracture (more than likely actually because I cant run on it at all and its sore to walk on, all the symptoms are there). Better finish this off now. So thats that

[bobsiesprincess]

i decided i was gona have a wee lazy week and miss a couple of classes. So i had a lie in on Monday, it was great! Was gona miss today but felt guilty so decided to get up and go and the trains arent even on! argh! I could still be in bed right now... ragin.

 

my friends are like that too, its not just a guy thing i dont think, its a people thing. I eventually learned the hard way to just kid on to my friends im fine. Like you, i relied on my family to talk to about the breakup, which id never really done before. but i dont know what i woulda done without them!

 

but yeh, stick to your NC, like you say anytime you wana break it, just post on ENA and im sure everyone will stop you!

[RedBranchKnight]

i decided i was gona have a wee lazy week and miss a couple of classes. So i had a lie in on Monday, it was great! Was gona miss today but felt guilty so decided to get up and go and the trains arent even on! argh! I could still be in bed right now... ragin.

 

my friends are like that too, its not just a guy thing i dont think, its a people thing. I eventually learned the hard way to just kid on to my friends im fine. Like you, i relied on my family to talk to about the breakup, which id never really done before. but i dont know what i woulda done without them!

 

but yeh, stick to your NC, like you say anytime you wana break it, just post on ENA and im sure everyone will stop you!

 

Lol, exact same thing happened with me on Monday the other week. Was out in town watching the superbowl at a bar, got home at 4.30am or so, thne got up to get the train at 8, and lectures were actually off for that day. Couldnt believe it, only realised when my friend texted me saying so The guilt shall pass.... haha

 

Another lazy day today, gonna head to the gym in a little bit, usually not too busy if you get over early, so should be good! And I dont know what I wouldve done if my mam hadnt been there to talk to, just for the odd thing, great to have somebody to just listen to ya!

 

Anyway, last night at 1.30 I got a text from my ex obviously meant to be sent to another guy just saying "youre SO sexy, you know that?". What a * * * * * , I know she did it purpose. I just replied with "Wrong number". Got another one this morning at 9 saying "So sorry, was having drinks last night and one of the girls mustve just picked my phone up and sent random texts to numbers. I dont even know what was sent to you. Hope it didnt wake you!". Felt so angry last night over it, took me ages to get back to sleep. Feel good this morning though, she wants to get a rise out of me I guess. Was gonna send her a 'strongly worded' reply, but Im not gonna reply at all. Wish she wasnt being like that though, feels like shes trying to rub things in my face.

[RedBranchKnight]

Been a good few days, got my project done and presented it and it went well, training is still going well and... well, things are going fairly great atually these days. Been in a good mood for the last few days and been having a bit of fun, at the expense of course work, but thats not too bad!

 

One thing thats bothering me a bit is that one of my friends is having his 21st party this Saturday, problem is that he's going out with my ex's cousin (my ex's cousin is a lying, vindictive, manipulative.... well you get the picture). So I have no doubt my ex will be there at some point. Dunno if I want to go or not with her there; if I dont itll get all my friends angry with me, if I do it could be a nasty experience. I wont say any of this to any of them of course, Ill just make up some excuse to leave early if I have to I guess.

[RedBranchKnight]

Having a moment of weakness at the moment, so gonna make a rant... Im really uneasy (for want of a better word) about my friends party on Saturday. I know shes most likely gonna be ther and since its a 21st, knowing my friend, theres gonna be a massive crwod there, so I wouldnt be surprised if she showed up with 'someone'. I know how badly thatll hurt seeing her out with someone else, seeing her Bebo page really shook me even though I didnt think it would, so I know Id be hit really hard seeing her. I kinda hinted at my friend that I might give the party a misss since Ill have project wokr and Ill see my friend anyway before or after it and that therell be dozens of people there anyway. Of course I was given out to, lol. I didnt let on it was because of my ex being there and maybe being with someone; woulda made things worse and I know if I said that it woulda got back to her thatI feel like that, and I dont want her to know that.

 

Its actually stressing me out just thinking about it. I didnt get to the gym tonight either, just lost track of time, havnt been there in 3 days! Iv a full long day in uni tomorrow doing project work, not looking forward to it. Its weird, I hate having so much free time lately but hate having to do things

 

Got another email off her today, just some random joke. Ignored it, surprised she actually has my email address, her old msn address has been inactive for about a year, never see her online. Then I was deleting messages and found a load of old emails we sent each other last Christmas, thats what got me wanting to text her. I was in New York at the time. We were only going out about 4 or 5 months at that point, really had mixed emotions re-reading those emails, couldnt bring myself to delete them... I was even thinking for a split second of forwarding them on to her, lol, stupid I know, but meh. I feel so guilty for ignoring her and not talking back to her, like Im being mean or inconsiderate, and no matter how much I remind myself of how things used to be I cant shake that feeling. Its so frustrating!!! Ironic thing is she doesnt care either way. Just torturing myself for no reason.

 

Amazing how fast moods can change over something as simple as old emails I didnt even remember I had or something... Feel so alone at times without her. I remember after we broke up Id constantly check my phone for texts from her because we used to text each other 20 or 30 times a day. Gonna sound stupid, but theres a show I like to watch (Scrubs) and at the end of one episode it ends with the main character having a dialogue saying that nothings worse than feeling all alone, no matter how many people are around you. Really stuck with me, because its really how I feel lately, nobody I know who can relate to this or who is even willing to feign an interest Bah too late at night to be getting into a rant about that now.

 

Anyway, gonna finish this now. Feels really good to get that all typed out. Hopefully this weekend will go off fine, dont want any hassle or drama

[RedBranchKnight]

I got up this morning and felt pretty down, I was thinking about my ex again, and remembering fond memories of her and I together. Anyway, I tried to put it to the back of my mind and headed into uni to get on with my course work. Anyway, as it turned out I walked right into my ex... Had my Ipod on so I just waved and said hi and kept walking, as did she. Felt really empty all day long after that. Felt like complete * * * * to be honest. Got that empty, sinking feeling in my chest and felt sad all day, had to pretend I was grand though because I was meeting with a group of guys Im doing the assignment with whom I dont get on with to well.

 

I got home and was trying to get my mind occupied and then, a couple of hours ago, I got a text from her saying 'hey how are you?'. I was just short and polite and didnt iniate any conversation, but she kept texting, until I eventually just said I had to stop because I was busy. Reason Im making an issue of this and the reason its made me feel so down is because this is EXACTLY how she acted the last 2 times she came back to me trying to get back together with me. I dont need this again. Im most likely just over-analysing this and she was just saying hi, but either way, I feel so disappointed and sad right now. I hate how things are with us but I know that I couldnt possibly go out with her again or have her in my life as a friend, how could I trust her??? And I know she doesnt want to anyway because I know the circumstances are different now...

 

Just feel terrible right now, no appetite and cant focus on anything Wish I was strong enough to tell her not o contact me at all anymore, but I know that would just be as bad. Glad I didnt give into any urge to texther prior to this,, and didnt initiate conversation or try to make small talk with her and ended the texting myself, but still I hate this feeling. Feel so lousy

[RedBranchKnight]

Was doing some thinking today. I think Im too negative about things. RE-reading some of the posts Iv made here in particular made me see that. I know this journal thing is for me to make rants when I want to and need to get things off my chest, but Im gonna try keep it more positive.

 

Anyway, today I came face to face with my ex and spoke with her for the first time in nearly 3 months. Randomly met ewach other which was fortunate because I had a book belonging to her. It was so weird everything I felt. I was kind of excited and kind of annoyed at her, and when we started to talk I got really nervous. She didnt at all though, she was talking away about things, and even asked if I wanted her to have lunch with me since she was free! I was actually geting really nervous by then, I dunno why, my knees were feeling weak and my heart was beating a bit fast, honestly dont know why though. I couldnt really say much because I still have alot of mixed up feelings and stuff I guess. Anyway, her friend who she thought she had to wait for turned up and the 2 of them went off. Thought she was a little rude about how abruptly she went off and left me, but thats the type of person she is; when you have her affection she treats you great and has all the time in the world for you, once shes 'bored' with you... well youre nothing to be honest. One of my friends who's excellent at 'reading' people and their character said that to me about her before, amongst other things wehich were spot on.

 

Anyway, she had said some other things while we were talking which (whether she knew it or not) actually hurt. I felt like crap afterwards, then within a few minutes I bumped into the chairman of the rugby team and he had a long chat with me aboutthe club and how Im missed on the team and theyre looking forward to having me back, which made me feel great! Then I bumped into another guy on campus who Im 'mates' with (not really a friend, if ya get me) and had a chat with him.

 

I was going around for a bit after that kinda feeling down, but not too much, but then just forced myself to focus on positive things I have going, how much better every aspect of my life has improved since 4 years ago and to try to think positively. Another 'good' thing I realised after I had talked to her was that looking at her I though she was a good looking girl, but not so beautiful anymore. I saw alot of faults I guess you could say, that I hadnt ever seen before, which was weird but felt good, lol.

 

It felt good overall today, I tried remembering things Iv read on this site before about other people; people who had their fiance call off their weddings without any warning, married people who's spouse ran off with thier best friend.... horrible things to happen. Then compared it to mine; university student in my early 20's who was messed around by his first love girlfriend of 18 months, but who I am starting to realise wasnt really that right for me; shes very selfish and inconsiderate, and VERY immature. It still hurts alot at times, and I feel very lonely at times too and wish I could change te past and see if there were things I could do different, and it gets to me that I can be brought to my knees (for want of a better phrase) by her at times nearly, but things will pick up and get better. College is over in a few months, then I can start working, or get a masters degree right away. I know therell be days when I feel down and alone again, but Im gonna make as great an effort as I can to keep positive

 

So anyway, thats been that! Feels great to type that all out

[bobsiesprincess]

i think its helpful to think like that... like we're early 20s..whole life ahead of us. People are in worse situations. Doesnt make it hurt any less........ but we have so much hope. (in case theyre reading this, im not trying to say if youre older or been with your ex longer etc that you have no hope... of course you do!)

 

when I read back over my journal as well im like OMG im so negative, and moan so much etcetc... but writing it here makes me appear more positive and happy in real life, so i decided that its ok.

[RedBranchKnight]

i think its helpful to think like that... like we're early 20s..whole life ahead of us. People are in worse situations. Doesnt make it hurt any less........ but we have so much hope. (in case theyre reading this, im not trying to say if youre older or been with your ex longer etc that you have no hope... of course you do!)

 

when I read back over my journal as well im like OMG im so negative, and moan so much etcetc... but writing it here makes me appear more positive and happy in real life, so i decided that its ok.

 

 

Yea I know what ya mean, everyones problems are proportionately extremely importnat to them. I know I shouldnt feel so down at times about things, so try to get some perspective and keep sight of the whole picture. It helps a little, but anything is great help!

[RedBranchKnight]

Something really good happened today. I got a text from my ex. Her dad has an important bit of work coming up and wants me to give him a hand with it because hes short help. Im really lookin forward to this because I really liked her dad, he was a great man. So Im looking forward to seeing him again and hopefully having a laugh with him. Gonna be on Friday or Saturday I guess, cant wait!!

 

Anyway, got through a good bit of project work today and went down to watch the rugby team play. I still cant play because of my foot, and the guy whose in my position now that I used to play is a new guy and hes pretty good... which will make it all the more sweet when I win my place back Haha

 

Heading to the gym shortly, got practically no sleep last night and am so tired, but Im getting into a lazy rut that I need to shake off, so Im gonna force myself to head tonight. Should be a good session