Dancing Jealousy

[scarlette]

My bf and a group of our friends went to a club last night and we were having a great time dancing until another guy asked me to dance with him. Which I did. My bf (who hates dancing and says he can't dance and doesn't like to dance with me because I'm too good) always tells me to dance with someone else if I want to dance (which I've never done before until last night when, for the first time, another dude asked me if I wanted to). I danced with the guy for about 5 minutes and then I told him I should go back to my group and he said it was cool and we stopped dancing together. The dancing wasn't sexual or anything it was just dancing and there was always 1-2 feet distance between us.

 

Once I got back to the group my bf was acting weird and the rest of the night my bf brooded and was angry and depressed and made it a point to try and make everyone else's time depressing. He kept just wandering off from the group without telling anyone where he was going, and he refused to hold my hand or even look at me and kept making comments about how people always "screw him over"-- not mentioning me but I think it was clear he was referring to me.

 

When we decided it was time to go home (I was the designated driver) my bf straggled behind-- I mean to the point where once all of us got to the car we realized I was going to have to drive back to where he was stopped in the parking lot to pick him up. And even when we did that he refused to get into the car. We spent 5 minutes just trying to talk him into the car.

 

During the ride home he kept talking about how everyone was out to 'screw him over'. Once we got home he went straight to bed.

 

This morning he refused to kiss me on the lips when he was leaving for work like he always does every morning and when I told him I loved him he just mumbled something that I think was 'Love you too' but it wasn't very convincing.

 

Anyway... obviously, he didn't mean it when he said it was ok that I dance with someone else if I wanted to dance and now he's very jealous and hurt.

 

What do I do about this?

[akatoro]

Hey, Scarlette.

 

I think that it was wrong of him to say one thing and act the opposite afterwards.

 

.. I.. tend to get jealous quite easily. Atleast easily judging by what I know are other peoples standards. But I've always managed to talk it out and I've even sought help for it because in the end it is not only concerning me.

It is concerning both parts as you've no doubt found out. Because it can't be easy for you. Feelings are divided equally in a relationship and what affects and/or saddens one often tends to sadden the other. A relationship needs "equality" and to achieve that, the best way is to talk it out and really prove to him that you love him and that you would never do anything to hurt him. But that he needs to be clear in his Okay's and Do not's. Even if you don't think you have any need to prove it because it really is his fault, try to look at it from his perspective in order to level out with him and thus maintain equality.

 

This is only what I would try to do.. And it is easy for me to say because I don't know anything about your relationship and personalities. But that equality is something I'm trying to strive for even within myself.

 

Good luck to you, I hope it works out for both your bests.

Happy love love =)

[scarlette]

I tried to communciate with him just to ask if he was ok or if was angry about something and he refused to talk to me directly and just made the vague announcement to everyone in the group saying "I wish I could never communicate with anyone." and "I don't feel like communicating with anyone ever again." He was acting really weird... like I would ask him if he was ok and he would start spouting to the group about how he hated words and kept asking "Why do we think? If we didn't know words would we think? Would we communicate?" I seriously thought he'd gone off the deep end in a crazy way. He'd only had 3 beers that night and he couldn't have been drunk... I've seen him drink 10 beers and I've never seen him act the way he did last night. After I danced with the other dude he refused to talk to me, look at me, hold my hand, anything. To say the least, I felt kinda hurt. The friend's in the group said I did nothing wrong and that he was just jealous and by tomorrow he'd start talking to me again. I just emailed him saying I was sorry if he was angry that I danced with the other dude and he still hasn't replied back (he usually replies to my email within 15 minutes because all he does is sit infront of his computer all day at work).

 

How do I communicate with him about this if he's not willing to communicate with me?

[akatoro]

Scarlette, I am very sorry for my poor experiences in matters such as these. Love is a wonderful thing but trust comes with it. Do not apologize so much because it will probably only make him feel more at right.

He is not right because he's treating you like air for enjoying yourself when he specifically told you that it was OK.

 

These things are best to talk about in person and not over phone or e-mail. If he still does not want to talk when he gets home, I say you pass him a letter saying something like, "If we did not know words we would not be able to communicate verbally, something you asked yourself yesterday. I guess this goes to show that you can just choose not to speak or talk about it to make yourself feel better and get rid of the hurt. In the end it seems that your choice and will is stronger than the feelings you share with me. If you still feel that way I guess we could start a relationship in which we only make ourselves heard by body language and eye movements. But then how much misinterpretation do you think would take place? Far more than now. I'm tired of feeling sad because of your lack of trust in me. I love you so much, but I don't feel very loved right now." -> And leave a space for him to write on further down the paper and stick the pencil into his hand.

 

This is prolly not a very good idea either.. There's a very large chance he will get even more angry.. God I don't know what I can say, I just wish I could help you in this. I've always relied on communication but that doesn't seem to work here.

You will find the power to overcome this, I am sure of it.

And I am sorry that I am unable to help you in your time of need

[Gilgamesh]

Wow, i have seen guys get jealous before but this is just so childish.

 

he wants to make you feel guilty for what you did, which is nothing, he wants you to say your sorry, for something you didnt do wrong.

 

I dont dance also, my Ex being a Latina, its in her blood to dance, I even let her go dancing with friends, I never felt jealous, and I trusted her completely.

 

You should not feed his insecurities by saying your sorry, because you did nothing wrong.

 

You do need to ask him why he is so insecure,, and why he doesnt trust you? and why he is being so self centered and selfish.

 

Dont feed his childish behavior by feeling hurt, its why he is acting this way, "to get even" for how you made him feel. problem is, he is the one quilty for the way he feels, his insecurities and distrust of you. but now he is "paying you back" its just amazing.

 

So stop treating him like a baby he is acting like. make no excuses for your actions, he needs to grow up already.

 

by the way, you may want to print out the posts in response to your question, and leave it with him. maybe he will learn to be a little more mature. and not make you pay for his problems.

 

I wonder if he knows how many people split up with their partners due to this kind of thing.

[scarlette]

No I think you're doing a good job!! You're making my brain work again. I like your tips and he'd get the meaning behind the letter writing in reference to what he was saying last night about "what are words". You said very meaningful things and I think I'll use some of them if he refuses to talk to me when he gets home from work.

 

You are right when you said something about him caring more about how he feels than the relationship. He can be self-centered to the point that I'm worried he'll pick himself over me. He was an only child and was used to getting what he wanted when he wanted it.

 

What's trickier is that I basically live at his place with him. I have my own apartment that I can go to but our relationship has gotten to the point that if I ever sleep at my place he takes it as I don't want to be with him anymore-- or I'm falling out of love with him. I haven't slept at my apartment in over 3 months now because of this. A few months ago we put one of my extra twin beds in an extra bedroom of his because I didn't have room in my apartment. If I want to sleep by myself (which I do sometimes cause he's a bed hog and sometimes I get pushed off the bed) I go in there and sleep. But whenever I do that he broods all the next day because he feels insecure when he wakes up in the bed by himself. He takes my absense as me saying "I don't like you anymore" not "I needed a place to sleep because you pushed me off the bed." He usually makes the comment "You hate me now don't you?" or "You don't love me anymore."

 

I've been with him over a year now (anniversary was in October). Things have been pretty good except his momentary periods of passive aggressiveness and self-centeredness.

 

But he's never completely stopped communicating with me before like this.

 

It's kinda scary.

[Gilgamesh]

This sounds real serious, it almost "sitcom-ish". most girls would have dumped him long ago, I am not saying you should, ( i would ) but its a compliment that you have tried so hard to make it work.

 

he is a big baby, but you should stop pampering him, when you do that your just re-inforcing his childish behavior. he feeds off that attention and you defending yourself. all that, "Oh darling whats wrong, what I do" you know what im talking about.

 

This is not a healthy relationship, he is going to learn the hard way, very hard way. There is only so much you can do, or should.

 

In a way i feel sorry for him also, which is why your still with him, your a very kind and generous person, and feel sorry for him, which is what he feeds off of. he is a leech. why you think he said all those things at the club to his friends? he wants simpathy, he wants attention, its his grown up but immature way of throwing a tantrum and making a scene.

 

because he wants people to attend to his needs and wants, its sad really.

because I know whats going to happen here eventually, and he is going to go through a lot of pain, but, hopefully it will make him grow up emotionally. and be a man.

[akatoro]

New situations are often scary.

Even if it turns out to be a nice one it can take you off-guard and completely overwhelm you.

 

I am sorry to say that it seems to me like he is having problems trusting you. Or that he is so insecure in himself that he does not know what to think. Either way, none of those reasons are an excuse for what is going on.

 

Maybe he has had bad experiences in the past or as you said, having had a childhood which spoiled him to such an extent that he thinks everything is revolving around him. The best thing, when he comes to speaking terms, is to explain "equality" to him, if you believe in what I said earlier, and that it takes two to work a relationship.

 

I mentioned earlier that I have a little demon called jealousy biting my heels. In my case I guess it was fair because I had felt her pulling away from me spending more time with other men, but I still sought help. One week later we broke up but just because I don't feel any jealousy towards anyone now, doesn't mean I've stopped the treatment. Because that demon can really spoil a lot of wonderful things in a relationship. I have only just partly de-fanged it.. It is well worth it I might add. Not only do I feel better, but I know that any future girl won't have to live through what you are just now.

 

I really, really, really hope that it works out for you grrl.

And I am not here to form your opinion. I am merely here to offer some advice. Hopefully it is good, but I don't want to tell you what to do and what not to do. A relationship is something you build on. It doesn't come the first day you're together. Communication is an importent component in this strange mixture. But..

Isn't it weird how things like these can make a relationship stronger?

[sayer7]

If you can't communicate or trust your relationship then you don't have much of a relationship.

[Knctrnl22]

It is true that your boyfriend said it was ok for you to dance and then contradicted himself. If you put yourself in his shoes what was he suppose to do say no you can't go. This guy is probobly a nice guy that cares a lot about you. Women have no problem with saying no you can't do that you can't do this. Men feel like they are being controlling if the say no

 

It is one of those trick things

 

My observation is that he has some old fashioned values, which I can relate to.

 

He is the jealous type

 

He might also be mad at himself because he can't dance and would like to dance with you.

 

Don't misjudge the guy

 

There is nothing wrong with him he is just jelous which he needs to work on controlling I guess.

 

Anything to do with other guys is probobly out of the question, maybe he might be okay with the guys that he knows.

 

This is just something you both have to talk about.

 

Take care

 

Give him time and show him your loyalty by sticking with him through this even if he tells you to go away.

 

If you don't want this kind of guy then I suggest you end it before it gets worst.