How do I deal with feelings?

[No Spaces Rob]

I feel so alone and depressed. I feel as if nobody will ever love me, and that anybody who appears to like me will stop liking me as soon as they get to know the real me. As she did, and others before her.

 

Anyway, I want to know what the right approach is. Should I blame her for everything that I am feeling, attributing everything bad that I am going through to her? Or should I blame myself for everything, because I am not an interesting enough person, or because I really am not likeable. Or where is the balance between the two?

 

Either I see her as a nasty person, or I see myself as completely worthless and unlikeable. Or is there something else? What are these feelings good for? How do I get rid of them easily.

 

NC is not an option as we work together. I spend 8 hours a day within a few feet of her.

[beth116]

You have to work out if your depression comes from these experiences or if you are trying to find a scapegoat for your pre-existing depression.

 

I have been involved with a guy who was depressed, and he ended up driving me away for all his moodiness. He then blamed me for all his bad feelings, but the truth is they were there years before he met me.

 

There is usually no-one to 'blame' and blaming gets you nowhere. It just breeds more resentment. How about trying to identify your behaviour and correct it? see a counsellor, or even just read some books on it. (also there is not any 'easy' way to get rid of these feelings i'm afraid- it will require hard work and perserverence, unfortunately)

 

I'm sure you're very interesting and worth knowing, but you will find it hard to connect with people until you sort this out.

 

good luck

 

beth

[Allesklar]

I agree with the beth116. It is up to you to deal with your depression. Avoid trying to use pity to get someone to like you. You must learn to be happy on your own. It might be hard at first but you have to fake it until it becomes a part of you. No one wants to be around someone who is miserable all the time. At the end of the day you must remember that you and only you are responsible for your own happiness. After all if you decide to stop breathing its only your life which ends. Think about that.

Then again it's not your fault that you're feeling this way. If all else fails seek professional counselling.

[lilypadgirl]

Oh Rob, I've been there! Fluctuating between anger and guilt! Not a fun place to be especially since you have to be reminded of it everyday.

 

I don't think anyone has an answer for that. All I can suggest is try to think about on common ways your exes treated you. Then see if you can slowly try to change that about yourself. It especially helps if you find a new hobby that's just about you. Give yourself small things to look forward to every day. The best way we can use a bad experience is for it help us better ourselves. Not for anyone else, but for ourselves and the added bonus is that we become more attractive to others.

 

As for the feelings, as someone told me once, there is no easy way. You just have to wait it out and it will get better. I also work with my ex and for me, I have to keep reminding myself everyday that it's not his fault either. He is who he is, coldness, stubbornness, trust issues, flaws, (and of course all his wonderful traits too), etc because that's just who he is because of the way he's been brought up, because of his natural personality, for whatever reason, that's just who he is. I can't change him so I'm not going to waste energy on that. I can only work on myself.

[SarCareBear]

no spaces rob,

 

i really feel the same! on the one hand, i know i'm not perfect, but on the other hand, why have i been dumped by the last two important people i let into my life? it makes me feel defective, and like maybe i truly have nothing to offer. even though i think i am interesting and smart and decently well read and have a few passions. on the other hand, i want to figure out if something about me drives people away, since it seems to have done that a lot so far..

[blender]

Some people come into your lives as a "bridge" that leads to a more healthy understanding and complete YOU. When our hearts ache it's an opportunity to rediscover how strong we are, how much we can love, and how deeply we feel, these are all good qualities, and it's about CHOOSING to learn from each relationship and to accept that sometimes it's just not meant to be, and it's no one's "fault" it's just FATE nudging you into a new direction with some life lessons under your belt, and to move forward with excitement about all the wonderful possibilities for YOUR OWN future.

 

You will grow past this pain, and you will love again, you may get your heart hurt again, but each time you get closer to knowing what is YOU value and want to SHARE with someone who IS the right one for you.. so try to think of this difficult time as preperation for the right person to come into your life.. you're going to rise above this and hold your head high, you loved, you tried, you learned and you will celebrate YOUR independence and will love again in a more healthy, knowing and complete way..with someone who SHARE YOUR VALUES in life.

[SarCareBear]

thanks blender, that was nice to read.

[No Spaces Rob]

Thanks for your replies everyone.

 

I figure that the way I feel now has a lot less to do with my ex and more to do with the general way that I see myself, or my life.

 

I was thinking earlier that if this is the case, it means I can't run away from the problem by leaving work, or even running away from everyone I know. I can see why people think that they don't want to continue living. I really do, deeply, believe that I am not good enough. I really believe that when somebody stops liking me, or doesn't like me, it is because I have let them see the real me, and that all supposed friendships or good experiences are only due to people not knowing the real me. A girl approached me and told me she found me attractive. Almost two months ago. I didn't believe her, and thought it must have been that somebody was playing a joke on me. I believe she lost interest once she had talked to me for a little while, and for whatever reason, I believed that this was inevitable! That it was normal. But I brought it on myself. My life is full of small episodes where my inability to believe in myself has brought this kind of thing.

[rapunzel]

I think the culture we live in only enforces the belief that we're not good enough. Also the way you were raised has something to do with it. I can relate having struggled with these feelings. I put myself down in front of my ex a few times and I'm sure it was a turn off. Then again I am human so if this had something to do with the break up, oh well.

 

Self-love and acceptance is something we have to actively work at - accepting and celebrating our unique selves. We have to do it for ourselves, it HAS to come from within.

 

When we are bombarded with media images of what is attractive, acceptable and what kind of clothes we should wear, what kind of furniture we own, what kind of car we drive and what kind of personality, job and social life we should have - it is difficult to step back and say, wait - none of that is true and I don't have to believe it!

 

The truth is: it's not true!

 

What is TRUE is that this girl found you attractive. That's great! Someone else may not find you attractive. That's OK too! What's most important is that YOU think you are attractive! It doesn't matter what others think! They are ALL GOING TO THINK WHAT THEY WANT. What matters is what WE think.

 

I'm going to start again today by keeping a gratitude journal. I'm going to write down 5 things every day about myself and my life, and just life in general that I'm grateful for. I think we have to replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts and it will eventually shift the way we view ourselves and our lives.

So today I'm thankful for:

 

1. My good health

2. The sun came out!

3. The bowl of cereal with vanilla soy milk that I am eating - I have food on the table!

4. The fact that I was invited to a friend's house for a social gathering this afternoon. I will be with people and I won't obsess about my ex! YIPPEE.

5. The fact that I am alive, and unique. There is no other person like me. I am no better and no worse than any other human. I only have ME and I am OK just the way I am. I'm wonderful in fact and I have SOOOOO much to offer. I have to celebrate my existence.

 

Try replacing your negative thoughts with positive thoughts. You're not alone, many many MANY people struggle with the same issues of self-worth. HOWEVER! We do NOT have to believe these negative thoughts as they are JUST NOT TRUTH. They are just thoughts and thoughts can be CHANGED.

 

Read "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. Excellent book.

 

Hugs and good luck to you.