Breaking up with a woman for her well-being...is that love?

[Hope75]

Hi Mae,

 

As long as he is still with his wife anything he says is the equivalent of "blah blah blah I want my cake and to eat it too." Of course he's having doubts. He gets to keep his wife and use you on the side, two women at his beck and call. What a sweet deal for him!

 

Don't do it- have some respect for yourself and some integrity. I know you don't want to be the other woman- and you can never hope to have a healthy, open, honest, loving, respectful relationship with this man. He's not someone you can bring home to family, show off to friends, be proud to be with, be open about being with. He's not someone you can hope to marry.

[caro33]

Put your foot down! You have done well so far. Just think, this is never going to get more difficult for you than it has been - if you keep going. You've been through the worst of it and now just need to acclimatise and give this particular brain chemical addition a chance to wear off. If you go back now you will continue to be on the same frustrating treadmill -you are fantasising completely if you think he can turn around now and be the man he needs to be for you. Have you not already given him two years' worth of chances that he did not take you up on? If this guy was worthy of you he (a) would not have been married (b) would not have lied to you about being married © would not have kept you in "other woman" limbo and (d) would not be doing the push-pull thing with you now.

 

He is NOT WORTH IT. He'll say what he thinks he needs to say to keep you around, but not in a good way, just around enough to feed his ego, as I think Crazyaboutdogs said at the very beginning. He is weak and his morals are shaky. You know that, just keep going and it will get better.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Oh honey, this guy is so full of horse pooey that it reeks to high heaven.

 

let's look at some facts:

 

he lied to you about being married.

 

he took your virginity under the falsest of pretexts.

 

he's strung you along with empty promises for years.

 

he spouts a bunch of noble crapola about loving you so much he will let you go, then he calls you 10 minutes later trying to get you to hook up again.

 

he is really just loving HIMSELF so much he's lying to two women and going NOWHERE but the next lie, and having a hot time in your bed whenever he shows up in town.

 

if you stick around, you will discover that 'October' will become 'March' which will become 'October' again and you'll still be twiddling your thumbs as the other woman in 10, 20 years.

 

or scratch that, he'll probably dump you for a new young virgin in a few years.

 

the WORST case scenario is when the wife of a guy like this finds him out and kicks him to the curb, then he shows up on your doorstep. even if he DID get break up with his wife, he'd have his eyes on the next cute young thing tripping down the block thinking how to get her into bed behind your back.

 

PLEASE don't romanticize this guy... he's feeding you every old married man lie in the book.

 

you've already got one foot out the door, slam it and keep running, save yourself NOW!

 

if you want to really see him hightail it out of there, tell him if he doesn't stop bothering you, you'll call his wife and tell her about you. you won't hear from him again.

[maegirl78]

I've had three dates with the new guy and things are going very well. He seems truly kind, sincere, and unselfish.

 

I removed my ex from my friends list on myspace so that he could not see my profile or contact me. He called me this morning to find out why - the first time we have spoken. I told him that he had never put me first and that he was the most selfish human being I had ever met. I said other things as well, like that I had given him two years to redeem himself and to make things right between us and he never had. Finally, I hung up with him because I was at work.

 

He emailed me pleading with me to not end the relationship and acting as though he was the victim. I emailed him back and said it would be the final time he heard from me and that I was changing my telephone numbers as well. I apologized for any hurt I'd caused but let him know that it was time to let it go and that I knew, deep down, that he was incapable of loving me the way I deserved to be loved and cherished.

 

His reply?

 

"Ditto, what else can you say but ditto? I will never ever stop loving you. You will remain an indelible scar on my heart for eternity. You are wrong on so many accounts but I won't waste my time or positive energy in trying to convince you otherwise. I will tell you that you are in for a world of hurt in future relationships. You live in this candy coated, Cinderella world where Prince Charming rides in everyday on his magic steed to rescue you and sweep you off of your feet. You will have that, but for a very very short time. I don't say that to be mean, but like always, to be realistic.

 

Rest assured this: I will leave and I will be single. I can't wait to leave for many reasons. One, for my happiness but two, to just show you. Again, I can't tell you how very very close we are/were to the finish line. She has already searched for and found rental property and we are just waiting for me to finish the academy. She didn't want me to deal with a divorce and try to concentrate on super tough training at the same time. How kind of her to think about that!

 

As I wrote yesterday, I miss you terribly and the only thing that got me through my day was the prospect of seeing you soon. I will re-evaluate what it takes to get through a day now. You are free. I tried to do this before but you brought me back. I am sorry that you did. Yes, it's time."

 

 

You know, I don't think that I am living in a candy-coated world where everything is rainbows and butterflies and kittens! I think I deserve to be cherished and appreciated by someone! I think I deserve better than this crap! I can't believe how even now, his email makes me question whether something is wrong with ME instead of him?? Even at the end he was selfish, right? He was still BELIEVING that I victimized HIM?! I'm hoping to get some moral support from you guys and girls

[Hope75]

Mae,

 

No, this is just another tactic to try and get you to come back and wait some more. Sure, you've been waiting around for 2 years and he hasn't left his wife, but when you actually get some guts to walk out because you know he's a snake and you deserve more, all of the sudden he's actually leaving his wife?

 

I don't buy that for a second and I hope you don't either.

 

If a 'cinderella' world is one where men are faithful to their wives and don't use women on the side than that's exactly where I want to be living... and you should too.

 

This guy has his head so far up his behind he's going to been a spelunking team to dig it out.

[jdubs]

Holy crap...

 

 

Drop

 

this

 

loser.

 

You know you deserve more. Good for you.

 

This is the hard part. You have to do what's right for you. This is one of those times when you have to listen to your head, not your heart.

It will be a struggle at times, but once you get to the other side you will be soooo glad that you did.

 

Yeah, if I were you I would close the door permanently on this loser.

[finalcloud13]

Write to him: I'll consider talking to you after you're divorced, nothing less. Thanks.

 

But it's a lie. You'll never take him back for any reason.

[maegirl78]

first, I want to thank you. It feels so good to get this off of my chest and hear some supportive words of encouragement to give me strength. I am changing my cell phone number on Friday so he will have no chance to reach me there. I already send all of his email messages to my SPAM folder. The only way he can find me is personal email or maybe my home phone and if I have to change that too, I will.

 

I really think he might be a narcissist or have Narcissistic Personality Disorder. My best friend swears that he is the most classic case of narcissism she's ever seen. I think she might be right. He hardly ever bought anything for me in the two years we were together, blaming it of course, on the fact that he gave all of his money to buying this for his kids. Several months ago, I had bought some stupid toys for him for no particular reason other than I thought he would like them. Well, I told him and he wanted me to mail them one weekend. I didn't mail them when he wanted me to (actually, because I was going back to get something else when I had the money to add to it) and he flew into a venom-spewing rage. He ripped me up one side and down the other because I didn't mail the stupid toys when he wanted me to and said I led him to believe that I would. (Jesus, it was a THOUGHTFUL present that I got him for no reason! I should mail it when I damn well feel like it!)

 

So, I brought the back to the store! Do you know that even at the last moment he still brought that up and wouldn't let it go? He was raging about it at the last moment just as if it had recently happened. In fact, he wanted me to know that he would never, ever find those toys again. Like I give a $hit!

 

I can't believe that I was so stupid that I didn't see through him. I'm honestly disgusted with myself that I was so blind. I guess what they say is true: Love really is blind. It makes me afraid that I am a poor judge of character and that I run the risk of succumbing to another a-hole in the future.

 

Hope75: If a 'cinderella' world is one where men are faithful to their wives and don't use women on the side than that's exactly where I want to be living... and you should too.

 

You are so damn right about that! You know what? Me too! I want to be living in a world surrounded by good people who do not use selfish motives and manipulation to seduce someone into a relationship. Gah - I think the hurt is turning into anger now.

[BeStrongBeHappy]

Wow, what a big giant baby he is!

 

If you don't immediately give him what he wants, he launches into a big name calling tantrum trying to make it your fault, then he launches into 'punishing' you by throwing out the thing you wanted (for him to leave his wife) as 'almost' happening and nanner, nanner, now you won't get it! i can almost hear the wailing and 'BAD MOMMY, you're a BAD mommy, i hate you!!!' in the background!

 

VERY infantile guy and your life with him would be hell if he did leave his wife.

 

the promise that married men give single women is a carrot they hold just out of reach, the idea than when they leave the wife, THEN everything will be perfect. Except they don't leave their wives, AND focusing on that carrot makes the woman ignore all kinds of problems with the guy. The problems are all there, but they are mentally focusing so hard on the day when he is 'free' for them, and they give themselves excuses like, well, this problem or that problem are caused by the situation and will be 'fixed' when he leaves his wife.

 

but really, those problems are because of who he is, not becuase of the situation, and will always be there. even if he left his wife, you are now in possession of a guy who likes to cheat and string multiple women along... so he'll set that situation up again, with someone new.

 

and he is a big giant baby wanting the worship of two women at the same time. i'm sure he just ping ponged between the two of you. whenever she didn't give him what he wanted, he pinged over to your place. when you didn't give him what he wanted, he ponged back to his wife. a great way for a big baby to have every little need met ever moment, but LOUSY for the women involved.

 

best of luck! next time choose a man who is really available, and don't listen to the b.s. or manipulation if he isn't.