Mentally ill parents (OCD)

[Lucy_lou]

my father is a very kind man, who cares about my sister and I very much. But he is obsessive, and as many times as I have told him that his demanding ways wanting to know how I'm going are totally draining and do me damage, he will still take every chance he can to increase contact with me. I can never appease him. I worry about him and his health, and would not want to cut off contact with him. But it's always that balance of wanting to be kind to him, but also preserving myself. He's extremely heavy headed, always talking about people wanting to kill him and stuff. Either talking about that or wanting to talk to me about how I'm doing. I live on the other side of the country and call him about once every 3 weeks. It's usually at his instigation, he'll text me and ask how I'm doing, or if I can call him (I've requested that he doesn't call me, and I haven't given him my main email address). Contact with him almost always makes me feel bad and I need to recover from it. I spend so much energy building myself up and trying to make myself feel like a normal, healthy, strong person, but contact with him makes me feel so miserable. Because he's so ill, it makes me ill. It's like his mental misery is contageous. He's like this dying creature reaching up and trying to grasp my hand, but I don't want to be dragged down. He's my father, but if I am to survive I have to limit my contact with him. He's just so negative, and full of anxiety and dread and I don't know how to deflect it. It gets inside me and makes me ill. His perspective is so black.

 

what do I do? He just sent me a text asking how I'm doing ( I visited him only 5 days ago). I deleted the message and would like to ignore him, but I feel bad. He has no one but my sister and I. He lives for us. Help.

[JadedStar]

what do I do? He just sent me a text asking how I'm doing ( I visited him only 5 days ago). I deleted the message and would like to ignore him, but I feel bad. He has no one but my sister and I. He lives for us. Help.

 

Texting is such an easy thing to do> Can't you just text him a few times a week?

 

My father is very mentally ill and the things he says are off the hook. But he is lonely and not well with his health and I'm all he's got, so I appease him when i can.

 

You don't know how i wish my father could text me as thta would be so much easier than the phone. I tried to show my dad how to use a cell phone but dialing a number and remembering he had to hit send proved to be too taxing so i wouldn't dare show him how to text.

[Lucy_lou]

Thanks (again) for the advice, Jaded.

 

I texted him, and he texted me back, he was obviously extremely happy to have that little reassuring text. It's not such a big deal sending a text. I guess as long as he's willing to let me define the extent of contact, I should be able to offer him as much as I can sanely endure, and it will be worth it in the end.

[Optigan]

Most people I know, no matter how young or old, talk to their parents, no matter how not old or old, ill or not ill, much more often thah once in three weeks.

 

My logic tells me that if a parent is ill, he or she needs more contact, not less.

 

After all, you're twenty-nine and he's not getting any younger.

 

And perhaps the man would not initiate contact as mush if you bothered to contact him once in a while, more often than once in three weeks.

 

That's what I think anyway.

 

Oh yeah and your last post. You say he was "extremely happy" to receive a text which was not "such a big deal to send".

 

Any bells a-ringin'?

[Lucy_lou]

My issue was that contact with him does me harm. I have to think about myself. It's hard to explain, but this is an issue of me protecting myself and being strong. I have depressive tendencies, and distancing myself from him has been for my own psychological health, and to be strong. I'm also all alone in the world, and if I let myself get dragged down into a pit of darkness, I won't be able to hold a job and support myself. My father is old and I don't think he has that many years left, but I will be around still, and I am going to have to be strong to endure this long life. I don't think you have much empathy for my situation. I don't know if anyone can understand what it is like to have a toxic parent, but needing to stay happy in order to survive. I don't have many people in my life. And my father, the one person who does want contact with me has a damaging affect on me. How many times do I have to say it? This is about my own survival! I've been around long enough to know that he does me harm, and that it often requires time for recovery after I speak with him on the phone. He drags me down, and the only way I know not to be dragged down is to limit contact with him. He also wants what's best for me, but for the most part it's necessary for me to assert that what is best for me is to limit contact. We're very similar people. But I am determined not to get sick like him. I don't want to become sick like him.

[jenny_mcs]

Wow, what a tough situation- my heart goes out to you. Only you know how much you can stand- and it sounds like through trial and error you've discovered that talking once or twice a month on the phone is all you can take.

 

The only other thing I can thing of is to set up a free e-mail account and only give the address to your dad. You can give it to him, but stress that you will only be checking it once a week. Then he can e-mail you stuff, and you can occasionally check it. You can skim through his e-mails and it won't be as draining as a phone call, and type a quick reply. Just a thought!

[Atticus90]

Is it so bad for him wanting to know how you're doing?

[Lucy_lou]

Wow, what a tough situation- my heart goes out to you. Only you know how much you can stand- and it sounds like through trial and error you've discovered that talking once or twice a month on the phone is all you can take.

 

The only other thing I can thing of is to set up a free e-mail account and only give the address to your dad. You can give it to him, but stress that you will only be checking it once a week. Then he can e-mail you stuff, and you can occasionally check it. You can skim through his e-mails and it won't be as draining as a phone call, and type a quick reply. Just a thought!

 

Thanks for the understanding. That is sound advice. I actually have done that, exactly what you suggested, have an email account that I rarely check, and that I've told him I rarely check.

[Lucy_lou]

Is it so bad for him wanting to know how you're doing?

 

I'm grateful that he cares. But if you re read my first two posts you'll see there's a problem. thanks for reading.

[Zona76]

You didn't say if he was under medication. Nor if he sees a therapist.

My mother was manic depressive. She would be obsessive over the stupidest things. But I grew up with knowing this all my life. That was her and she was Mom. I was also very protective of her.

I remember she'd go real weird with my sister and never with me... One day she started talking in a rambling tone. Lots of nonsense. I quickly diverted her by saying "Hey Mom it's Carla you're talking to now; stop that!" And she was back to normal once again.

She's now in a nursing home and she barely talks. She wont be much longer. But she's still MY mom.

[Miss Firecracker]

Have you considered taking medication for your depression? I have a son who is severely mentally ill. After his hospitalization I was finally forced to treat my own depression so that I could help him deal with his problems. We're in this together. It isn't pretty, but it is our life.

 

Today we had to tell him to get out of the bathtub and fuss at him to get him to go to work on time. He clocked in 5 minutes late, or that's what he told me. It's not a fun life, but other people have it worse than we do. Sometimes he does just fine for awhile, and then he goes back to "sleep".

 

You may not wish to go this route, just a suggestion.

[JadedStar]

That was her and she was Mom. I was also very protective of her.

 

Sounds like me with my dad. I have become the parent. Roles have reversed. I may give him a hard time but i still look out for the little guy. He might be crazy but he is a genius in his own right. He comes up with things that the average person can't come up with...i don't mean always nutso things. He comes up with poignant prose that actually can boggle the mind of some of the most intelligent people i know.

 

he is a hoot. I love him. I want to kill him on some occasions, but it passes. LOL

[Miss Firecracker]

You didn't say if he was under medication. Nor if he sees a therapist.

My mother was manic depressive. She would be obsessive over the stupidest things. But I grew up with knowing this all my life. That was her and she was Mom. I was also very protective of her.

I remember she'd go real weird with my sister and never with me... One day she started talking in a rambling tone. Lots of nonsense. I quickly diverted her by saying "Hey Mom it's Carla you're talking to now; stop that!" And she was back to normal once again.

She's now in a nursing home and she barely talks. She wont be much longer. But she's still MY mom.

 

This is what is wrong with my son. Bipolar I.

[CaptainPlanet]

My dad irons, folds and organises his underpants to fit perfectly into his draw from the lightest to the darkest color. He does the same with his socks, all thee stripes match up and go from darkest to lightest color.

 

He is anal and insane.