Don't want to step on toes....

[bdub]

A little over two months ago, my girlfriend of a year and a half broke up with me. Seemed to be out of the blue to me, but I'm sure I don't know the whole story. Like most of you, I was devistated. I found out later in a conversation that we had that there were a series of misunderstandings on both sides that lead to the break up. I told her that I believed that we could work things out, but she said that she was happy with her decision, that she was sorry that it hurt my feelings, but she wasn't going to change her mind. Since that day, I've been doing my best to stick with the "no contact" policy. I've been pretty successful so far, but I have seen her a few times in passing. Never talked to her, or really even made eye contact. We go to the same university so we are bound to see each other. I still love her very much, but I have come to the realization that moving on is the best shot I have for both getting over the pain, and possibly getting her back at the same time (these options seem like polar opposites, I know).

 

Here is my dilemma. I had a great relationship with her parents when we were together. They treated me like I was already part of the family and really were very kind to me. Before she broke up with me, we were trying to find a book that her Dad was looking for for a long time. He has the whole set of these books, but was unable to find the last one. Well now I have found this book and I bought it. Now I really don't know what to do with it.

 

I'm not a big gift giving person, but when an oppotunity arises, I usually take it. She knows that I don't give gifts much, and so coming from me, this may be a bit too much. At the same time, I would do the same thing for any of my friends if the same situation arose.

 

One of our mutual friends suggested that I don't do anything with the book. I think he believes that giving her space (what she has asked for) is the best thing and that means just avoiding contact until she is ready to come to me. Personally, I don't think she really is interested in my feelings anymore and would be perfectly content not seeing me for the rest of her life. She is the stubborn kind and taking me back into her life (even as a friend) would suggest that maybe she was wrong for breaking contact with me in the first place. I know she still cares about me, but the pain I don't believe she is willing to risk the pain if we got back together again. I've worked hard on the things that I did that hurt her, and I know that I wouldn't fall into the same painful habits again. But I can't convince her of that, because she doesn't really want to allow herself to feel anything for me again. Its all a defense mechanism, I think.

 

I was toying with the idea that maybe I should email and let her know that I have the book he was looking for and that if she wanted it, she could have it. If she didn't want to deal with me, then I'd return the book. I am trying to decide whether it would me too painful for me to hear that she doesn't want me to be friendly to her anymore or not. On that point, the jury is still out .

 

I've seen some excelent advice given by people in this forum. Any thoughts would be helpful. Anybody been in HER shoes? How did it effect you?

 

Thanks,

bdub

[Gilgamesh]

I suggest you contact her dad directly.

 

tell him what you said here,

 

Tell him that although you and his daughter are not seeing each other, you remember how he treated you like part of the family, thank him for that, tell him you remembered you liked this book, and wanted to give it to him, but didnt want his daughter to know cause she might think your just doing to get her back. etc. etc.

 

Your ex gf father will respect you for your actions. as long as you dont look like its some kind of trick to get her attention. be sincere. remember her father is a guy, he has been in your shoes.

 

I go as far as to ask him, to please NOT say anything to his daughter about you bringing the book. (he probably will anyway).

[mahlina]

I'm pretty sure that you are sincere in buying that book for her father. Just because you felt close to her family, it doesn't mean that you are obligated to still give gifts. It shows a lot though.

 

I was really close with my ex's family. We went on trips together and such. After the breakup, I still felt like talking to his mom. Even though we broke up, his parents still respect my family by occasionally keeping in touch.

 

My point is, in her parents' point of view, it doesn't mean that you look bad as a person once the relationship is done (if that's what you are alluding to). I think that her parents still like you.

 

If you insist, if you truly want her dad to have the book, then give it to him personally, but don't contact her.

 

Contacting her, subconsciously says that you are still madly in love, and may seem a little needy; especially, if she's told you that she does not want anything to do with you, then she might get turned off.

 

I don't mean to offend you, but she's basically sending negative signals. It's obvious that she's being cold. You don't need to be her doormat, you know what I mean?

 

Give it more time before you contact her. However, sending her father the book, or giving it to him personally shows that you are being mature about the whole breakup and have no hard feelings. It's just a friendly gesture.

[The Morrigan]

My thoughts run about the same as Gilgamesh's...

 

Mail or give it to him directly, with a nice note thanking him for making you welcome while you were a part of his daughter's life, and after finding the book, you still wanted to get it to him, you to him, not having anything to do with what happened with her. It's a nice gesture towards her family, even though you don't have contact with her anymore, I'm sure it would be appreciated by him that you still think enough of her family to give it to him. It's something that I don't think too many exes would think to do - as long as it's clear there's no ulterior motive, he should appreciate it for the thoughtful gesture it is.

[bdub]

I appreciate both your posts. I believe that giving the book to her dad directly will indicate that I'm trying to win over her dad and that I'm trying to get him to pressure her back into a relationship with me. I think both he and her will interpret that action that way. Just from what I know about them as a family, I'm sure that will backfire in my face. Not only that, but sending gifts to her parents will violate her need for space in a MAJOR way.

 

Thanks and keep the responses coming.

bdub

[avman]

I disagree with what you are saying and add my vote to the others. I think dealing with her dad directly is the best bet. As long as you explain to him what you are doing and that it is a gift in appreciation of how they treated you when you were seeing their daughter its fine.

 

Do not worry about what she will think. A true gift is a gift with no strings attached. Just present it to her father that way and wish him the best. Dont ask how she is doing, don't promise continued contact, just focus on him. It will leave you with a good feeling. And I agree with Gilgamesh, ask him not to tell his daughter. He will anyway, but it shows you are not using him to get her back.

[bdub]

I think the conflict I have with what you are all saying is that there are strings attached still. I am not over his daughter and I think they both know it. It is truly meant as a kind gesture to somebody who treated me well, but I guess there are still expectations about what I'd like to happen. Until those expectations aren't there, I risk getting a nasty response from her, or him, or both.

 

The reason I'd be more inclined to tell her about it and let her decide, is that I'd at least be facing things head on. There would be no deception or trickery. I'd tell her that it is just a kind gesture and I hope that she can appreciate it for what it is.

 

I'm just not sure about my motives at this point, and until I am, I think maybe just sitting on it and waiting to see might be the best course of action.

 

Thanks,

bdub