Emotional Abuse?

[Pinkbunny]

I'm coming the sad conclusion my ex was emotionally abusive. For example, when we were together he would belittle me constantly about my looks and the things I would say. We always had to do what he wanted to do. He would tell me how to drive and complained that I wear makeup. I am wondering if any of you have been in an emotional abusive relationship and what are the signs? Also how did you stay strong and not go back to that person? HELP!

[Celadon]

Pinkbunny, I can relate. I was in a relationship with verbal abuse and controlling behavior. It really takes a lot out of your self-esteem and leaves you feeling badly about yourself. I look at pictures of myself from that time period and from now. Even though I'm older now, I think I look a LOT better. Happier, genuinely more beautiful.

 

The signs? Lack of support for YOU. No respect. Criticism. These things are not part of a normal, healthy relationship. There are any number of reasons WHY one person abuses the other person, but personally, I don't think it matters why. If you're in an abusive relationship, get the hell out of it!

 

I recognized that I had NOT been in a healthy relationship when I read the book, "He's just not that into you." It was an eye-opener for me; you might want to get it from the library or bookstore and read it over.

 

How to stay strong? Well, tell yourself every day in the morning that you deserve BETTER and are worth a good man, not an abusive one. Also -- I strongly encourage this -- tell one or two close and trusted friends that you do NOT want to go back to him. Ask them to please help you to stay firm and to yell at you if you even so much as THINK about going back.

 

It's really easy to think that going back will be different, or you'll be happy somehow. You won't be. You need people around you to do tough love on you -- set limits and check up on you until you personally have NO desire to go back to him. It may sound harsh, but this time right now is actually an OPPORTUNITY for you to move in a new and more positive direction. I hope that you take advantage of it.

 

And as with any break-up, keep yourself busy and distracted so you don't think too much about him. Keep a journal. Post on ENA and get support here. You can make it through. I've been there. It can be done! Take care.

[Pinkbunny]

It's really easy to think that going back will be different, or you'll be happy somehow. You won't be. You need people around you to do tough love on you -- set limits and check up on you until you personally have NO desire to go back to him. It may sound harsh, but this time right now is actually an OPPORTUNITY for you to move in a new and more positive direction. I hope that you take advantage of it.

 

 

K8tie thanks for the response. Yes I have thought that going back would be different and I'll be happy BUT the reality is the same things will happen. The belittling will continue. I know this because everytime I did stick up for myself it was only a temporary fix. There was nothing I could say for him to realize what he is doing and change him. According to most of the articles I've read on emotional abuse, the fact is that even with therapy he probably won't change. He'll just change the way he belittles me and manipulates. Anyway you take care too! thanks again

[Celadon]

You're welcome, Pinkbunny. I'm glad to hear you've been reading up on emotional abuse. It's good to get information and compare it to what you've been through. For what it's worth, I think you'll do just fine from here on out.

[JadedStar]

A good rule of thumb is if the person you are with makes you feel bad about yourself, it is probably emotionally abusive and at a minimum extremely unhealthy situation for you to be in.

[GrlIntheCrowd]

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. My first boyfriend would manipulate me iwth guilt to have sex with him, even though I didn't want to. He abused me emotionally, be always telling me how I f'd everything up for him and abandoned him and treated him bad (because I would want my space, tried to break up with him, tried to have a social life.)

 

He wouldn't let me have any friends, or to go out with anyone. When I would go to parties, he would call me and my friends * * * * s. He would emotionally abuse me by stalking me and walking back and forth to my house at night and throwing rocks at my window!

 

He would emotionally abuse my by disagreeing with EVERYTHING I would say and * * * * * ing about everyone in my life and being negative so that I would push everyone away.

 

He would say my work is this or that...not honest, not good, not real.

 

He was a narcissist. He would always manipulate me into guilt and blame me for cheating or wanting to, or checking out guys, etc...even though I didn't do any of this.

 

He stalked me for a year after the break up and still emails me. I have changed my number for the last 9 months and have not responded to his emails in the last 9 months.

 

He stalked me at my work 4 months ago and I had to talk to him then, for five minutes. But, I changed jobs shortly after. He now has no way of contacting me.