verbally abusive xbf even after he quit drinking

[Signgirl]

I wrote last week about my x-bf that wants to get together because he has quit drinking for 3 weeks. Please read last topic that I wrote:

 

After 3 years of living with his drinking, verbal abuse and anger towards me, I couldn't take it anymore. Every night there was confrontation and hurt. I tried so hard to help him get better but he just didn't want it, I loved him so much, and he kept promising things would change. They didn't and I was tired of getting my hopes up only to be hurt again. I asked him to leave and he wouldn't, so I left and moved to a new house and have been trying to move on with my life for the last 3 months. I met a really nice guy recently who treats me very well, but unsure if I am ready to move on into another relationship.

 

During the 3 months the x-bf had called and bashed me on the phone several times (drunk) and I was left completely emotionally drained. One night after a huge scene, I called his parents and asked them to intervene or I was going to call the police. That night he verbally abused his parents and brother and then had a rude awakening and quit drinking the very next day. He has been sober for 3 weeks and now sees all that he has done wrong in the past, he says he is so sorry for all of the hurt he has caused me and would do anything to get me back. He realizes how badly he screwed things up. He said I am his whole world and he needs me in his life. I am weary and don't know if I should even consider it after everything, I don't know if I can trust his words again. He took me to dinner this past weekend and we had a decent night. He even went as far as buying me my favorite flowers and a pair of earrings. I told him it was too much, and he shouldn't have done that.

 

I guess what it comes down to is I can't take another disappointment from him, so I have a wall up. I know that I still love him, but I am not "in-love" with him. Can or will I fall back in love with him? I also have learned that there are good guys in the world that will treat me the way I deserve to be treated. So, do I move on? Or go back for one last effort? I am really confused because I like the new guy I am dating and I am afraid I am going to make a wrong decision by giving the x-bf another chance.

 

Thanks for everyones input on the last post. link removed So many people responded with replies and PMs -I really appreciate it. Much of your input has helped me with my current state of mind on this situation.

 

After the date we had last week on Saturday night I still felt unsure as to my feelings towards him. There has been so much hurt in our relationship I think it has been holding me back from letting him in again. I decided to go for a walk with him on Sunday, then Sunday night I was still drawn to him yet again. I guess I was trying to feel things out after being apart for 3 months. He wanted and immediate decision from me to move away to another state and start a new life together. I don't know that I can do that. I know that since he and I broke up I have started a completely new life from the ground up, because I had no other choice I couldn't live with the disfunction anymore. So I say to myself...I have started my life completely over and now he decides to try to get it together AFTER 3 YEARS OF LIVING THIS WAY? I have been trying to move on with my life and doing a pretty good job of it...till recently.

 

He wanted to go out again tonight (Saturday) so we made plans a few days ago. The problem I had was that I was not looking forward to it at all. I really felt my time would have been better spent alone or with others. I felt so strongly about this that I called him a few hours before and I said "I am having second thoughts about our date tonight, I am not sure why, but I don't feel comfortable with it." That started a big discussion and we both were a mess but decided to go ahead with the dinner plans anyway.

 

What a bad idea...at dinner he was in a mood and without drinking alcohol- I realized that he still has the same controlling angry attitude and it was sucking every ounce of him dry to try to keep it in check. He said many hurtful things to me and ruined the whole meal as I cried in my salad. He tried to get himself together, but kept saying "see I screwed up again, I am just not gonna say anything cause when I do I mess things up". We sat there in silence till the waiter brought our check.

 

I drove him to his truck and he said "why won't you just give me another chance, I know you love me." I said "yes, I love you, but I am not in-love with you anymore. I am not attracted to you anymore and I think all of this has to do with the resentment that has built up from the hurt. I don't know if time can heal this." he said "you are just shutting me out, can't you see I am trying here? " He said "in a couple of years when I am moved to another state and you are old and wrinkled and noone wants you -don't coming knocking on my door" I said " I think your trying a little too late, I need to move on with my life". He said "fine, you'll regret this"....we left it at that as he sped away. I was pretty upset. On one hand I feel like I want him and on the other I don't. He causes me so much pain, but yet I think sometimes I live for the words he says...all of the words and dreams and hopes that I know will never come true as long as I am with him. I realized tonight that he is not capable of being rational at all. I only expressed my true feelings (as hard as it might be for him), he can't deal with it at all. I really feel like I need to move on, and I hope that I can.

[The Morrigan]

It sounds like moving on is in your best interests, without a doubt.

 

While he may have quit drinking, his habit of verbal abuse is still alive and well, and that's something you don't need to tolerate while he tries to "change". Ok, he's trying. That's good. You, however, don't need to be his therapist to help him and get dragged through the old pattern while he works on himself. This is where a third party, a therapist or counselor, should be helping him, someone without the emotional involvement to get uplifted when he succeeds, and devastated when he doesn't. Someone with a strictly professional interest, who will be able to evaluate him with no emotional bias. If he really wants you back - that's HIS job to find someone to get him on the right track, and that person should not be you. He wants another chance? Great - he can go through counseling without the baggage of dragging you through more abuse while he works on it, and if he still loves you then, ask you to see him - after you don't have to worry about how he'll treat you.

 

In a nutshell - he hasn't changed yet, and is only deluding himself he has. All the reasons you left him are still there. The only change is you realize he doesn't have to drink to be verbally abusive. Hehe, not much of a change there, except that he has bigger issues than drinking to resolve, eh? Until he realizes his issues aren't going to vanish just because he WANTS them to, and is willing to go for help, he's not worth the pain he's going to put you through to try a relationship with him. In abusive situations, trying is NOT good enough when there's backslides more than successes. Think about it, if he was physically abusive, would "I tried not to hit you, and only slapped you once, I'm really trying!" be good enough? So, neither is this. Don't let him pressure you into reconsidering something that would only cause you more pain - he's given you enough of that under the veil of "love" already.

[avman]

Eloquently said by The Morrigan. You had these suspicions about him already. And as I stated before, he's not sober after just 3 weeks.

 

I have heard that alcohol amplifies traits that we already have. So a person with abusive tendencies may be able to control them when sober, but still is an abusive person. This sounds like your ex. He's still controlling and abusive even when not drinking.

 

You can move on. You are already well down that path. You don't really want to see him anymore. He just keeps playing the sympathy card on you to guilt you into it. I think cutting off contact is the best thing for you now. Wish him well, and tell him not to call anymore. Then you will not be subject to the guilt trip.