Is it over or does she just need a break??

[JSHRN]

My girlfriend's ex moved out of her house 3 weeks ago. Since that time he has really been pressuring her to get back together (they've been together on and off for 7 years). She had been inquiring about my dating status since earlier this year because she wanted to be with me. She said that she had her eye on me for quite a while before I became "partnerless", then she asked me out.

 

Initially, she wanted a "friends with benefits" with no strings attached. Then she said she wanted to pursue another level with me because I wasn't a "typical male" to her. Then, we fell in love within a month and a half. It just happened so naturally. She's always said that I make her happier than any guy ever has and "we have too much fun together". Hard to believe where our relationship is now.

 

We used to work and that's where we saw most of each other because of her housemate. When she changed jobs she said we would actually spend more time together because I would be helping her with school (I'm a nurse, she's studying to be one). Unfortunately, that never happened. We would always talk on the phone (sometimes 7-8 times a day) because she missed me. Now, the relationship is very one-sided on my part and I don't know what's going on. It's as if she's had a change of heart. She's gone totally against what she wanted from our relationship 4 months ago.

 

She always said she would tell me face to face if she ever wanted out of the relationship but now we don't even talk (haven't in 4 days). I've voice-messaged her home and her cell phone 2-3 times each day since then with no return call. Again, totally unlike her. When I became insecure about the relationship a few weeks ago she told me I was over reacting and analyzing too much. She said that she was just so busy and stressed with school and trying to deal with her ex who's been nagging her.

 

Now, I have to wonder. Has she changed her mind after all and really can't tell me? She told me last week that she needs her space to focus and school. Not a problem for me to do but why has our relationship gone backwards? She said it's not to see or to sleep with other guys. She just wants time for herself. Again, I don't have a problem with that - everyone needs their "alone time". But isn't this getting as little ridiculous?

 

This isn't meant to sound clingy on my part but is it too much to ask her to spend a few hours a week with me? Last week she was studying for a big test. I called to see how she was doing and invite her to get out for just an hour to grab a pizza or a cup of coffee. She said if her studies went well she would. Well, we never met that night but she still found the time to go out for Chinese food!!

 

Maybe I'm reading too much into this or trying to create something that isn't there. But why do you suppose you won't return my phone calls? She went from intense attraction and wanting to be with me to nothing.

[Ugottabejokin]

Welcome to "Rebound Guy" syndrom.

 

 

I am the patrion saint.

 

 

Sux.

 

Someone help this guy that isn't me...I'm just bitter.

[bdub]

My suggestion: Just back off and allow her to do her work. I'm sure you remember how difficult it was going through nursing school. Anytime we feel stressed out by life (school, work, relationships) something will usually suffer. Some people choose the relationship that has to take a hit.

 

In reality, overpursuing will only push her farther from you. You have to give people space when they need it. Women especially, from my experience, need to be able to feel unattached at times. Eventually she will realize that you are a great person and that cutting you out of her life will only serve to remove one of the best things about being human, the connectedness we feel with those we love. She will come back in your life. It may not happen in a timeframe that feels comfortable to you, but it will happen. Show her that you care without being too needy.

 

Best wishes

bdub

[JSHRN]

I realize that she is so stressed out over school. Last week when she told me she needed space she said "it's not to see other guys or to screw other guys. I just want time for me". We began dating when she was still living with someone (he moved out 3 weeks ago). She's been dealing with a lot of crap from him. It just bothers me that after 4 months together she needs space from me to "come and go as she pleases". I've never dated anyone that said that to me "I need my space", so this is all new to me and very hard to deal with. I'm probably coming off as needy - but that's only because of the feelings and emotions we've shared since July. To go from fireworks to not even talking on the phone is a very frustrating part of this relationship.

 

You mentioned that I need to make myself unavailable and basically make her miss me for a while - easier said than done. My life was boring before I met her. I'm basically a loner with few friends and a non-existent social life. To try and strat being sociable now while she's gone is so tough because I don't see myself doing it. In fact, I can pretty much cguarantee that I'll remain anti-social from people, except when I'm at work.

 

She opened her heart to me the past few months - now she's closed off. I let my guard down and let her into my life and let feelings develop for her.

 

Why do you think she won't return my calls suddenly?

 

How does a person go from "you are the love of my love and I'm in love with you to not even talking"?

 

This is so hard.

[trinnity213]

Dear JSHRN,

A relationship takes the commitment of two people, and it sounds like right now you're the only one making an effort. I hate to say it, but it has been my experience that when you are dating someone and they tell you "I need space" it usually means that a breakup is going to happen sometime down the road. Think about it, when you are totally in love with someone don't you want to spend more time with them, not less. My exboyfriend used to continually pull disappearing acts just like this and he eventually ended it saying, "I need to be alone right now." Looking back on our relationship I can now see that he was pulling away everytime he distanced himself away by not calling or seeing me. I know how much it sucks to be emotionally dicked around by someone and I am sorry to hear that you are in this situation. All I can say is you need to demand better treatment. Your feelings are important too, you should not be worried about hers all the time; especially because she does not seem to be the concerned with yours right now. I know it is hard to meet good people, but you should not stay in a relationship where it makes you feel worse and not better. I hope this helps you cope with what your girlfriend is doing to you.

[bdub]

While your feelings are important, it is also important to realize that others have feelings also. Sometimes people do need time to themselves. Its not a matter of does he/she love me or not, its just a fact of life. I suggest you read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. There are many things that men and women do that really annoy the others. Its not that we are doing it intentionally, just we are unaware of other's feelings from time to time. Another good book is The Power of Empathy. Many times we don't "feel the love" coming from the people who really do care about us. But its not that they don't care or don't love us, there is just a lot of misunderstandings. Please take some time to read, it will open up a whole new way of looking at things.

 

Best Wishes,

bdub