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Feels Like a Breakup but Never Dated


bexcelant
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Well it's been three months now that I haven't seen my best friend face to face. Needless to say she is dating another guy and I had to pull myself back from her because I had such strong feelings for her. I didn't act soon enough but I told her she was everything I always wanted in a wife and that I knew her so well that I wanted her for all her faults and that I didn't want her dating the other guy I wanted her with me. She told me my timing sucked because she had already started dating this guy. I watched her eyes and she was looking at me like she never had before and I could tell she was torn. She told me that if things didn't work out with him, she'd give me a chance. Three weeks later, she told me she missed me and we talked some but we didn't get together but she was still dating the other guy. I feel like she has really strong feelings for me too but is caught in the middle of us. The new guy with the romantic infatuation vs the old guy who she knows well and loves too.

 

Two more weeks go by and I get the cold shoulder from her...and so I sent a letter to her stating that I cared enough for her that I'd let her go if this is who God has for her. I also told her to remember me as her friend and that I missed all the fun things we used to do. I also said that I would wait a little while for her but that I had to move on with my life and do what was best for me just as she had to do what was best for her. She never responded to that letter.

 

My question is...this no contact thing. Is this really the best course of action here? There are still days that I really want to talk to her again but when I reach for the phone I just stop myself. I have been avoiding the spots she usually at and I have heard from my friends that she has been showing up at places where I would usually be. At the same time..I have been hearing that she has been talking up the guy she is dating with all my friends and that sorta sucks too. So should I stay the course and not talk to her? I can't believe we used to be such good friends and have totally cut off communication. Maybe I said too much which caused the whole thing to be awkward but I really don't regret telling her how I really felt. I was pulling out all the stops to get her to turn around and drop the other guy but I guess I lost that battle. The only thing I do regret is not telling her how I felt sooner.

 

Part of me feels like trying again just to reestablish the friendship but part of me says don't do it. This is really weird..because it feels exactly to me like we broke up but I never really dated her. What do you think is going through this girls head? What do you think I should do in the meantime?

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I would call her, ask her to go out to a lunch / dinner with you, only as friends, not a date. Sit down and tell her exactly how you feel. Let her know that you miss her and her company. She might have the same feelings towards you. Even if you can't be her partner, let her know you're willing to be her friend and see where it goes from there. Best of luck to you.

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hey there, how you feeling now?

i understand how u are/ were feeling as i am currently going through the same emotions.

i never dated the guy friend ive known and had feelings for 2 years now. initially we were close, however after i left uni we rarely spoke, i thought it best as he had a girl at that time (no longer) and i wanted to get over him.

until last month - i went back to visit uni, saw him and we ended up snogging etc. we never spoke about that night and i left to go back home so i wrote to him and told him how i felt, he basically said that he only sees me as a friend and that i should get over him, he also said its best for me we dont chat until i get over him.

but emotions arent that easy to get over...are they.

 

obviously there are a number of reasons she may be avoiding you

- she likes u but she also likes her man.

- she doesnt want to lead you on.

- she doesnt know her own feelings

- she may not be avoiding you - you may be avoiding her.

 

we all look for answers - i know i still am - but the only person who can truly help you is her - she holds the answers so ask her..

 

and realistically u may lose out there no point in lying and saying you havent got anything to lose cos inside apart of u will be crushed but then it may be positive. whats the point in living in a fasle hope. let her know and the ball is in her court. if she doesnt take it - she doesnt deserve u.

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Well you are correct, the emotions don't go away easily. Everyday I still think of her and it's been three months. I have gone out with other girls for fun and that has helped me tremendously getting over her. Maybe in time, I will develop feelings for someone else but for now...sigh.

 

The first month was the worst because all I could think about was a lost opportunity of a lifetime. A girl I could see myself spending the rest of my life with....but she has decided to take a different path and there is nothing I can do about it. They always say, don't worry about things you can't control and that is the tough part.

 

The other board on enotalone called "Getting Back Together" has general recommendations as to how to get an ex back. They advise leaving them alone and not contact them. Give them space to figure things out for themselves. Calling all the time and trying to get back with them only drives them away. It also says that the only way to have a fighting chance to get your ex back is to drop all contact, live your life, date others and have fun, recover and be happy. That board states that over time, the ex will wonder what you are doing and miss you. If she really loves you, that she would be calling to see how you were. "If love something set it free, if it comes back to you then it is yours and if doesn't it never truly was".

 

She was never an ex girlfriend though..but a very close friend. I was on the verge of telling her everything and asking her to be with me when out of the blue, she starts dating this other guy. We hung out with no expectations or strings attached. Then when I told her everything to get her to turn around, it did stir up a lot of emotions in her. I know she was torn. For me, it was the speech of a lifetime and probably was for her too.

 

Now though, after a month and a week of no contact, she hasn't called me. She's still with the boyfriend. She avoided me last time I tried to work things out with her because things were awkward with each other. I wanted to talk things out. The thing is...neither one of us ever mentioned the boyfriend in all of our conversations since after I gave the big speech about my feelings for her. But after she avoided me like that...I figured that I had to give her space and not contact her anymore cause it takes two to have a relationship or friendship. As of the last conversation, I realized that it was all one sided.

 

obviously there are a number of reasons she may be avoiding you

- she likes u but she also likes her man.

- she doesnt want to lead you on.

- she doesnt know her own feelings

- she may not be avoiding you - you may be avoiding her.

 

As to your comments above, I think you are right on all counts. It's strange but I'm not sure that cutting her off and avoiding her is the right thing to do. Maybe it is if I want to get her back but the difference here is that I was never her boyfriend. We did date for awhile but it turned into a really strong friendship. If I follow the advice for no contact, it will be tough but I will get over her and she will probably wonder what happened to me. If I call her I am not sure how she will respond. I dunno..what do you think is better to do here?

 

It has after all been three months since I have seen her face to face and a little over a month since I have even talked to her. Her last memory of me face to face is me telling her how much I cared about her, how I know her really well and have seen her in every light and still wanted her, and all the qualities I admired about her.

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hi.

i understand your situation it seems pretty similar to mine.

this no contact thing is killing me too! cos i miss him like crazy - why did he say it? in your case why is she?

 

well since i told him how i felt i have left him alone and will not call/text him until his birthday- conveniently is next month - but that will be short and sweet.

 

i think its right that you dont contact her for a while (this has no limit - can be from weeks to years - and yes that will be difficult), but if you truly value her friendship and she values yours this time issue will be beneficial for all the reasons you stated.

 

however you say its been 3 months since you last saw each other and that is quite a long time - do you feel it is the right time to call? do you think it will still be awkward after so long? if you do - perhaps it wouldnt be best to lay in deep, have a chilled out conversation something light hearted and later add that you were curious why she never responded to your letter but that its cool. etc..

 

 

however realistically i doubt the friendship will be the same initally because your feelings are still very strong..if you do you want to wait until a later date, you will probably be able to control your feelings better and have a less awkward relationship.

 

i think that she knows being friends now/or at that time would have been awkward for you both. and in reality it would have/ still may. admit it. u will be hurting even when you are friends cos no matter how much u deny it you want more.

 

like you said she may wonder how you are and call you. i know my ex from 5 years recently called me and wondered that too, its nice to get a surprise call, mail etc. and even if in a year you still havent mended the friendship you have many years ahead of you to do that..

 

i dont want to keep repeating myself but what im trying to say is if you both really care about each other you will always remain friends.. im sure you have had friends in the past whom you have lost contact with, met up again and rekindled the friendship. it will happen....

 

thats what i believe and know - eventually me and this guy will be friends again and be able to talk without any awkwardness id rather give it time no matter how long, be it a month or years, then loose him all together - that would kill me...

 

and in that time... who knows...

 

p.s let me ask u something have you ever acted like this with anyone and why? was it...

- no attraction?

- confusion?

- felt they not good enough for you?

- not felt good enough for them?

- too early for commitiment?

- scare of getting hurt?

- the distance?

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Realistically I have asked myself these same tough questions. I have to say that if I were to do it all over again, there is not much I would change. In the beginning I thought she was a spaz and sorta weird but with time she really grew on me. I always thought she was attractive but I didn't think we fit at first. In the early days, yes it was too soon to commit when there were all these doubts. At the time, it was too soon to commit to her.

 

After I became her friend, I wasn't scared of committing but I was scared of ruining our friendship so I never told her how I felt. I knew there would be a time that I would have to risk all by asking her if we could start date each other seriously. When I finally told her how I felt, she thought I was moving too slow. She also said she wasn't a mindreader..all good points on her side. All I can say is that I wasn't ready to tell her yet and I was building up to asking her to date me in a committed relationship. All I can say now is that I don't feel I did anything wrong just had terrible timing. I know she would have gone out with me had I been there for her first.

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what a friend said to me years ago was that i had to show him not tell him how i feel. lol perhaps if you'd snogged her instead of telling her the response would be different? you said you previously dated so did this happen..

 

in the past i have had many guy friends tell me point blank they fancy me, and sometimes persistently. everytime i have laughed it off and said i dont feel like that. i even had neutral friends tell me the guy is feeling for me and i have never let this interfer with my relationship with the guys - cos i knew there was no way i would ever get with them, the attraction wasnt there - but the friendship was important to me so i stayed friends.

 

but when they ignore/ avoid you its different. u question why? obviously they care to go to the extent of avoiding you... surely...?

 

hmm i recently found out the guy was holding hands with some girl. i feel used and quite hurt. but in a strange way it makes it easier as i can focus on what a creep he could be to me as a friend.

 

he knew how i felt and he still made the first move. infact that night he even said he did like me. i know he finds me attractive what i dont understand is why he will go for the dirtest girls and not want me. i think he is going through the screw all the girls while he has time. as its his final year at uni and he was previously in a relationship and couldnt do it then..

 

irrelevant of that - i just cant handle the rejection - whats wrong with me!! i have plenty guys who wanna date me.. but stoopid as i am i only want one....

 

so did ya call her..

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You know I have given this a lot of thought. Who knows why someone likes you and wants to be with you or not? It could be that he's not attracted, it could be that he's very attracted and respects you too much, it could be that he likes the girls that he doesn't have to get attached to and think about marriage. It could be that if he were to get with you he'd have to think about things long term and if it didn't work out ruin the friendship. Who knows why people do what they do. I do know this, you have got to be strong and not see him and go out with other guys. He needs to see you as a desirable girl lots going for you...hopefully he will figure out that he screwed up and wants you instead.

 

Yes the friendship is important to me as well but if you love someone so much that being around them is going to hurt...you just can't stay around them. I need about 6 months apart from her I think. She should understand that and anyways..in that time she may realize that she was better off with me. Did you ever think that the love you have even if you never touched or kissed was the purest form? I have thought of that and if she can't see it..then it's her loss. I think I may have just answered my own question here. Of course I can't call her now. I am still hurting over her choice of going with the other guy instead of me. I will eventually get over it and then maybe I can hang out again as a friend..probably never the level of intimacy that we once had but I'll be able to be around her again. Maybe in that time she'll figure things out and want to be with me...who knows?

 

I just saw the movie "Love Actually" and there was one scene that hit too close to home. It was where this guy helped his friend (another guy) marry the woman that he loved. He never told her and he avoided her for self preservation. In the end he came clean and told her that he loved her but it was too late and he would never have her. Ouch!! I'm glad I took my shot. If I had never said anything..I would have been like that poor sap and attending her wedding like an idiot.

 

Friendship is tough to bring to being lovers. You both respect each other too much. Maybe it's because you don't have that newness or spark that people have when they first meet someone. The chemistry isn't there that some people look for...ie infatuation. But LOVE isn't about infatuation..it's about respect, it's about a slow growing feeling, it's about patience, it's about being kind to each other. It's about caring so much that you'd do anything to make the other person happy. Even if that means letting go of them so they can have the person that they want. It means sacrificing and also standing up for yourself at times so they don't run over you. Love is about so much but it's also painful at times. I don't have all the answers and I don't know how our lives will end up in the long run. All I know is to live one day at a time. It gets better. I know because I am so much better than I was three months ago when I first found out she was dating someone else.

 

No I haven't called her. I doubt that I will. Maybe I'll run into her somewhere but I won't call. I will call around Christmas Time to wish her a Merry Christmas and maybe send her a card but that's about it. Maybe we'll be able to talk about things better by then and maybe both of us will have had enough time to come to grips with the situation.

 

Remember..sieze the day! Carpe Diem! Life only comes around once. Trust that God will work everything out in the end for the best.

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hi. its true what is meant to happen will happen.

 

for example i avoided him after i left uni and he did contact me and we hadnt spoken for 3 months then. and in august he came down to my town but i decided not to meet him. so i know he thinks about me and vaules our friendship.

 

its not like i will see him in the near future anyway, like i mentioned he is in another town, and i have decided not to go and visit my friends there for a few months.

i just happened to be there when we both needed someone. in a way i am glad it happened. obviously i would have liked it to progress but its not a viable option us being 2 hours apart and him not wanting too!

 

he definitely does care about me though we were good friends but perhaps not enough to want a relationship with me. not at this current time anyway. i didnt mention that we are of different colours he is black and im a brownie. he may think that it would be too much hassle as well - who knows..

 

i just wanted to say talking about it has really helped and i have been feeling much more positive about the situation. i hope this has helped you too. deep down you really seem to know whats best for you and i do hope you will stick to what u have decided.

 

like you said when u care/ love someone you will always have feelings. so even months and years down the line - if you are both single it maybe a completely different and properous picture for you both. in the meantime its best to move on. i have been doing that..

 

and your right - love is not infatuation i have often questioned my feelings for him, to define them but sadly it runs deeper then lust. and i agree completely with your terminology of love - and being happy for them even if they are with another. when he was with his g/f i was happy for him and liked her. his happiness means alot to me.

 

remember your initial question - about no contact - well you seemed to have reached the decision.

in the future im certain you will bump into each other, she may even contact you first. so be patient and wait.. who knows when the time comes you may have found another and be the one saying to her - your too late...

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I know what I must do. Still doesn't make it easier and I still waver from day to day. I know that if I talk to her we will both have these emotions come spilling out again. Emotions that I will have put away and for her... emotions she doesn't want to feel while she is in the relationship with her boyfriend. I wish someone would post from the other side of this situation so I knew what goes on in someone's head when we disappear and not call them. Do they even think about us while they are with someone else? What do they think about?

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yeah i often wonder if he thinks about me. i know people ask him if he has spoken to me and he laughs it off and just says no, a sign of guilt?

 

ok. there must have been a time when a girl has liked you and you may have ignored her or not wanted to go out with her.

 

in my case when a guy friend has liked me and i have said no, its cos i didnt find them attractive, there was something about them that i didnt really like or i had a better offer...and i have avoided guys friends when they have hurt me or when they are annoying me! - but we know she does care so im assuming it just too awkward for her at the moment, and of course she thinks about you...she is a girl!

 

i think its mainly due to the awkwardness the majority of people like to avoid signs of tension until they feel better and less guilty. they are feeling guilty because they know that we are hurting and they also know the only way we will get over the hurt is by being with them now or letting time heal us. but they still value us and miss us perhaps not as much as we missing them but they do.. after all we all like reminising..

 

i have a guy who is feelings for me now, but im not sure if he really does like me as much as he says he does. i dont call him (he calls me every week) however at one stage i was confused about my feelings for him he has been after me for a few years now, i do think he is nice but there is a few things i find irritating and of course i am feelings for another...

 

hope this helps abit..

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Well I hear that you are waiting for your friend and all the time a new guy keeps calling you once a week? Maybe you should go out with him casually.

 

Sounds like me..I am a popular guy with lots of girls who are attracted to me. This is aggravating because now there are like 5 different girls, "all beautiful", I could be dating right now..instead..I wait for this one special girl who is dating another guy. I feel like an idiot sometimes because of this one girl. But you know what..if by Valentines day they are still dating..I"m gonna hook up with someone else...cause I can't wait for her forever. Sad..

 

Does anyone feel that way? Putting a deadline on how long you will wait?

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  • 2 months later...

Whoa, i am in same boat as u almost exact same problem, i feel were u coming from i been doing same things as u , i started ignoring her trying to see if she would still attempt to come to me and talk. I couldnt tell u what to do cause i guess i could say i feel the same way u do right now i tried to get her and it didnt work. If i could put my feelings into words as best as i could at teh moment i would have to put them as. I had her in my arms and then i just LET someone take her from me without a fight. Now i gotta live with the fact that i let someone i loved(atleast i thought it to be love) so much just get ripped away from me because i didnt have the heart to tell her how i felt about her earlier, now it freakin hurts everyry time i see her and hear her talking about her boyfriend.

 

Just letting u know u are not alone in this one i thought i was the only one in the world with this sort of situation. Good luck, i hope it works out for u, as for me it is too late i have to learn to live with my screw up.

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hey there, actually i think i read one of your other posts.

since i last wrote i got the urge to text him and he responded which was a nice surprise (i really didnt think he would)

i now know that we needed some time apart, as thats how he found it easier to deal with.

i havent seen him for months as he's in another city but i know that things will not be awkward when i next go there to visit.

maybe we will never get together, however, things happen for a reason. i guess in both our situations we werent meant to be with them, not at this current time anyway, but who knows what the future holds. although, if im right you both do chat right? and are friends so be thankful that she is not out of your life for good - wouldnt that hurt more?

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I sent her a Christmas Card, she didn't answer so I took it on myself to call her on Jan 11th. She was so glad to hear from me and told me she was going to call me. Fact is, I think she was scared of picking up the phone and calling and since then, I haven't initated a call to her.

 

I must be getting brave or something because I keep visualizing going out there and getting her back and leaving the bf feeling like I did 6 months ago. I think I am going to reinsert myself back into her life casually for lunch dates. Right now, I am at that emotional point where I"m ok and I"m healed. I can live without her but I"m going to go forward and try anyhow. If she wants to spend time with me, fine...maybe the bf will get upset and jealous and make a big scene leading to a breakup LOL.

 

All's fair in love and war they say.

 

Bex

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  • 2 weeks later...

Ok, here goes

 

I have finally made contact and believe it or not...she is so happy to hear from me. She has agreed to go out for lunch with me and I'm going to take it from there. I pray there will be a happy ending here and that all will go well with time. My coming back into her life at this point is very welcome because I think she really misses me after 6 months of no contact. The bf is sure to not like me coming back but that's ok because honestly, I was her friend for much longer and we do have that bond.

 

It's never as easy as you would hope but as they say, "Nothing that is worth anything ever comes easy". I continue to lean on that higher power to make everything come through ok. I know there is a plan for our lives and that how these things work out...it's all for the best.

 

BEX

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  • 3 weeks later...

You know..I think I"m in need of advice. After being back in her life for a few weeks now by phone...she called me to go out for dinner. So I go to dinner with her and it's like we were never separated and still the best of friends. She was really happy to see me and we had a great time. I kept it short and totally avoided all the relationship talk from the last time I saw her face to face. She never once mentioned her boyfriend. She asked me if I were dating anyone and I sorta avoided the question and she also wanted to hug me at the end of the night..but..I avoided it.

 

Ok..here's my question..what do you think is going on in her head? How should I proceed from here..like what should I do next? I think she's still dating her boyfriend but I"m not sure they are doing all that well. In the meantime, I have continued to go out have fun and date other girls...

 

So what's the next step? Should I ask how she's doing with the bf? I am not sure where her heart is at...but I do think that she really misses me. What should I say to her? Keep it light or press her for more? Ugghhh..this is really hard.

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  • 10 months later...

I don't know how i've landed on this post since it seemed to be a 2 year post. But as i'm reading this post, things you guys say here, especially the points cartier make, are like mastery to yourself and this situation. I'm glad there are people like you around. This post made my day.

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Hi WhiteOkiron

Thanks for your kind words they are very thoughtful. It does help to share ones feelings and experiences, especially with others going through a similar situation..

 

This is an old post as you realize and I've only recently logged into this site again, thankfully I am completely over the guy I spoke about, we are distant friends and he has gone back to his country of resident, I very much doubt I will see him in the near future..

 

Strangely enough I got to know a different side to him last year, you could say I saw the faults more visibly and no longer desire him..

If anything I feel that he missed out on a good friend.. however, I do smile when I look at his photos and I do smile about the fact I had a great friend while it lasted, I may have let him hurt me, or let myself be hurt but I dont regret or feel the need to change any of it, I can gladly say I can think about him and - smile..

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  • 1 month later...

 

 

Well I'll post the result of all this waiting and heartbreak. I did not have a happy ending. In June of last year, I knew she broke up with her bf. She called me 3 weeks later to go out for dinner. Sadly that is the last time I saw her. In Oct. she married the guy even though they fight and bicker all the time. During that dinner, I saw how she acted with me. How she looked at me and how attracted she was of me still. But the following week after that dinner, she ends up back with her boyfriend and engaged. Arghhhh

 

I wrote her a long letter before her wedding telling her everything I felt, wanted and was dissappointed by. She told me she would read that letter because it was long. After that she never responded. Who could blame her. What could she say? The last thing I did was to send her a congratulatory email with an ecard saying that congratulations.

 

Friends always want the best for their friends. Perhaps someday we could talk again. Good Luck with everything. I signed it and sent it on a hummingbird background. Cause I used to call her hummingbird. Since that day in Oct. I haven't heard from her or seen her. I still think about her from time to time but for the most part, I just try to stop myself and let her out of my mind. She was in my life for a season and I'll never forget it.

 

Bex

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