3 month milestone

[Infrared]

I just felt like writing down some thoughts today.

 

Today is a milestone for me. It's been 3 months of straight NC. I'm doing o.k. Not great, but not as bad either as I use to be. My days don't consist of me lifelessly going through the motions anymore. And I'm really proud of where I've gotten to in the time that it has taken me to get here. There was once a time when I never thought I would get over this. I still have my bad days, in fact I've been having some recently. Last Tuesday was my birthday, and trust me it's not that I wanted her to call, but the reality that she wasn't was still difficult to deal with. We had broken up one month before her birthday and I had given her a card, I guess a part of me also thought she would at least send without an address or anything written. Just to acknowledge.

 

I went on my first "date" two weeks ago. With a girl I've been meeting up with to go to shows at local bars and everything. I would call what we were doing as dating, even though it was very tame. I'm alright with nothing coming out of the date (which has never been the case before), and realize that I'll need to adjust to that aspect. But it was good because realizing another girl found me attractive helped stop the agnozing over myself and my image. I was really stung when she dumped me. I'm trying to be patient and tell myself that it's perfectly normal to still hurt right now and not feel whole. 3 months is still not a lot of time, especially with my recent birthday, the impending holidays, and having just moved to a new city last week alone. I'm starting now all over.

 

The down time is killing me. I just try to keep telling myself that it's all a test. I'll come out of this stronger and better. The hardest thing after a break up is dealing with not being adored by someone anymore. My friends have given me a hard time actually lately because I haven't gotten laid since the break up (july). How screwed up is that? I mean I would love to be intimate with someone again, but right now more then anything I would just like to meet a smart girl, who's not full of herself, and has no hang-ups (I live in SoCal so thats hard to find). I'm getting to that age where everyone has had someone significant in their life at some point, and so it feels like the dating scene is different.

 

I looked at her myspace three days ago. Yeah I know, agaisn't the rules we establish here. But funny thing is the longer I left the picture of her and some guys at a bar, the more ambivalent I felt. The initial view hurt, but for some reason 2 minutes after it did not, which didn't use to be the case.

 

I do want to talk to her, and i think I got really close to doing that last thursday, but I know I'm scared, I shouldn't, and she probably doesn't want that, so I won't still. It annoyes me that I was there to listen to everything when she graduated a semester before me, her moving to my hometown, and her getting a new job. I've just done all that this week, and where is she? So many nights listening to her moan and groan about changes and I have no one to talk to now.

 

And I still feel angry about how I was treated during the break up. I'm even over her jumping into bed with someone so fast. But why on earth did she meet me for lunch the next weekend and proceed to yell at me? She had signed the invisible contract, she had physically made her decision, there was no need to make me feel like cr*p as well! I'll probably always be mad at that. Had I been her (and I wouldn't of because I know there's no way I would have jumped into bed that soon), I would have let me off gracefully at that point, maybe even make myself look worse for the sake of the person being dumped.

 

I just felt like writing some things, and I would love any input or sympathy. 3 months is a milestone and I'm pretty proud. Ten days till 100 days no contact. I can hardly believe it.

 

I know I'm doing better and I'm going to heal completely, because I recognize at this point I will feel like sh!t again another day down the road, but it will hurt less everytime. I'd like it to pass sooner, but I'm just happy I'm where I am right now.

[HajiMaji]

You are doing great man. Of course you are going to feel bad, but I am proud of your ability to look at this objectively and use discipline to do what you know is right. Going through this stuff is difficult, but you are maintaining a high level of dignity.

 

It hurts when they get into bed with someone else so soon. Also, it hurts when your buddies make fun of you for not getting laid! I am like you.. I would rather just meet a pretty awesome woman. I think those friends who rag on us really just dont see it from our view point.

 

I think you are handling yourself beautifully even though it can hurt. Keep it up man, and before to long you will be full of joy.

[backagain]

hey man

 

i am very proud of you....you should be very proud of yourself because alot of us (me included) are wishing what u have done....that 3 months milestone.

 

you give me some hope that someday my hurt will be over as well. I am actually in the stage where I am wondering if she is sleeping with another guy already, and it is driving me crazy.

 

the funny thing is, my birthday is coming up in a month and a half, and its gonna be the first time in 4 yrs spending it without her....so i love to hear how you dealt with it. Im also wondering if she will acknowledge it when the day comes, but for me its too early to speculate such thing (its only been 5 days NC).

 

i also am feeling very inadequate about myself, i keep asking myself, is it my looks she didn't like? is it my flaws? hell is it because we have different nationalities? i am guessing self-doubt is normal....and maybe you can confirm with me on that one.

 

i cannot wait until the day when another girl set her eyes on me, and decide to love me. I feel very unlovable at the moment. So my friend be proud, and enjoy this moment, treat that new woman of yours everyday like it's your last day of seeing her. Maybe...just maybe someday i'll be able to find that girl as well.

 

keep posting...and just know you are not alone. god i hope my ex isn't sleeping around already.

[Infrared]

HajiMaji - Thank you. I agree I've impressed myself. I do still find I have a desire to talk about it a lot, but I'm trying to control it. I don't need to bore my friends with the same boring drab about poor old me. It's time to stand up, pick up the pieces of what I have left and make something of myself. Of course I wish things would be different. It's not easy. It's really hard. If you've ever read any of my other posts you'll know that this was try numer 2 for my relationship with this girl. The first break up was hard enough, but being dumped by her a second time...........has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life.

 

I believe that theres always has a certain amount of pain to be shouldered if a break up occurs. What drives me madder then anything is her unconscience choice for me to carry the majority of that burden. I know this is subjective to speculate on but I can't help but feel bitter about the condition she was in during each break up and which break up stuck. May 06 - She was asking for me back 3 weeks later. She had graduated, didn't know what she was going to do, didn't know if she would have any friends where she ended up, no male interest, and was very scared of the future. She came running back. I had another semester at university, had several girls interested in me there, and had never been single while at college. I was unhappy she dumped me, but at least I would get some experience in at college before I joined the real world. It's not important really, but I would have probably hooked up with someone first in that scenario. July07 - Now she has a life, money, new friends, guys at work hitting on her a lot, and suddenly I just slowly noticed she wasn't putting in the same effort. Of course it was my fault...........my mistakes were always soooooo much a bigger example of how we were not a fit. And when she did, she jumped into bed with someone her FIRST night out. I can't help but think she did it to physically move on first, that way the pain is lessened. She didn't want to deal with missing me too much. And the fact that when I called her on it and she was unphased by her actions...............well birds of a feather flock together............I feel sorry but she'll just end up meeting someone who will be willing to do the same to her.

 

I will be with someone again someday, but I'm ok with no romantic interest in my life right now. My friends are all having FWB and one night stands right now, and I'll probably never experience that. But this ex dated me for 2.5 years and thought I was the world during that time, and even with her deceit that meant somthing and was real. I was a decent, dutiful, loving, respectful boyfriend. I KNOW I WILL FIND SOMEONE BETTER!

 

backagain - I actually have read other post by you and I'm curious as to yuor story. I remember thinking we have similar backgrounds.

 

funny thing is, I told my mother and friends what today was and they all couldn't believe it had been that short, it felt longer to them!?! Not for me, I'm sorry to tell you, it has been the longest three months ever! Then again, it makes me fear that she is probably feeling the same way, that we've been broken up longer (well officially july 17th, but we had 5 weeks of contact and still meeting and talking).

 

But hey, doesn't that say something about me and others like me (yourslef included)? If we notice that it's still been kind of a short amount of time then doesn't that kind of say that were more stable people then our ex's and friends? I'm proud that I feel that not much time has passed because it means i risked more and put more in. thats a good thing in the end for finding that trully special person.

 

She may not contact you on your birthday. Deal with it by coming here it you need to vent, but do not break NC. I almost did, but I called my best friend first to tell him what I was thinking and he cooled me down.

 

As for feeling inadequate, welcome to the club, but it will pass. I still feel like that a little, and that after hookng up once with the new dating girl (just a sleep over, no sex). But even I noticed my mood change the next morning. It's difficult because I'm not someone who can sleep around easily or have one night hook ups. It's just not in my personality. So when the Ex went out and did something with some (jerk off) guy it devastated me. I'll be honest, only recently have I felt myself regain a sex drive, and we were highly sexual people. As for your looks............well ask yourself this...........did your ex consider you attractive before the break up? Hopefully that answer is yes, and guess what, that hasn't changed. Just because they no longer find you attractive doesn't mean that you lost your attractivness. Self doubt is normal, I still have it (Will he be better looking then me? Better in bed? etc.) The only thing is, confidence is something you must create yourself, unlike feeling better which comes with time. Once I fully move in to this new condo in my new city (IKEA dressers are a pain!), I feel like for the first time I'll be ready to apply myself with confidence and risk being rejected while single.

 

And thanks for wishing me luck with the new girl, but I know it won't pan out. She's why I wrote about finding a girl with no hang ups. She's got an overseas ex boyfriend who I can tell she's not over. So while she likes me and finds me attractive, she wont let me go further because he may get back in three months. I looked this guy up on myspace.............he's changed his name on there three times in three weeks..............each one reffering to his genitalia. What a cocky SOB. Poor girl, I see it lasting 6 months when he gets back before his ego breaks them up again (which was th reason for the first).

 

Sorry to write so much.

[bluestar]

Hi there,

inspirational to hear what your saying. I'm almost at 3 months. I have no idea if he is seeing someone else but it really wouldn't surprise me. Or if he was having a string of encounters-more likely. Both ideas hurt. How did you get your head around her seeing someone else so quickly?

[need2bme]

I believe that theres always has a certain amount of pain to be shouldered if a break up occurs. What drives me madder then anything is her unconscience choice for me to carry the majority of that burden.

 

Amen. This is what amazes me most about people. That someone could basically pull the rug out and then blame EVERYTHING on you. As I posted before, my ex basically said that she had to be mean, because she was scared that I would keep calling her and making her feel guilty.

 

I called her with "guilty" blame once. Once, people....and it wasn't that bad.

 

See, I can understand how she felt, but the way she went about hurting me, was unreal and should never happen to anyone.