I wish I had a different mom

[crinklecat]

I'm at my wits end with how to relate (deal) with my mother.

 

We don't have the greatest relationship.

 

From the very beginning, I dont think that my mom and I had very much in common. Her personality ios completely different than mine. She is personable, outgoing, codependent and traditional all at the same time. I am on the other hand the antithesis of her, analytical, loud, moody, more alternative as a person.

 

Growing up with my mom was very difficult. She was not the hip mother. She wouldn come to some of my events that I had because she didnt drive, and wasnt one of those moms that a kid would be proud to show off. I always remember wanting the clothes that all the other girls had and my mother wouldnt get them for me. I think I wore dowdy dresses and muumuus to school for all of elementary, not by choice but because that was all I had. And I was a tomboy. I think that my dad were more on the same mental level than my mom. Just think it was 1985 and my mom was wearing bellbottoms still.

 

Growing up she catered everything to my father. Things that she wouldnt let slide with us she would still let slide with him. We'd get scolded for stupid things This continues today, even more so. There are certin foods that she buys for my father that we have to ask if we can eat it. She never seems to cut the kids a break.

 

As a teenager I wanted a "mom" to hang out and go to the mall with, do girl things together with, and share those important bonding things with. Everything I learned about makeup and sex I learned from school or a makeup book. My mom never did the shopping thing with me. I remember that one time in 6th grade, I got so frustrated with not getting cool clothes to wear to school I finally exploded and just started crying. I told my dad how I felt that the other girls didnt like me cause I dressed junk. Her and my dad went out and got me a jeans set the next week.

 

I never had those mother daughter talks- or learned anything about dealing with boys or men from her. She has always been emotionally stiff with me. I feel like she is loves me but is not loving toward me. But wait there's more!

 

I got married and moved away and spent a lot of time doing those things in which my mom didnt want or couldnt do with my mom With my mother in law. We grew very close, and even though she has passed I still fondly remember her spending quality time with me. In fact she had a lot of qualities in which my mom didnt have which I craved so much.

 

Now, as an adult, I have moved back into my parents home due to a divorce. I have to live once again with my mother. I dont have enough money to get a place of my own, yet, this woman is driving me to the edge of my sanity. I am so tired of trying to have a good mother-daughter relationship. I have become angry and just dont want to deal with her. She still does the same things, still to not see things as fair, continually scolding (Now, Im 30 years old now) me for the littleist of things (like not taking my cup to the sink) yet she still continues to enable and accept my dads faults. I actively try to pursue a relationship with this woman, I ask her if there are any errands that she would like me to take her around to do, or I ask her if she would like to do those mother-daughter bonding activites like go shopping and she ALWAYS declines. Then to rub salt into the wound she goes shopping with her sister (at the mall) 2 days later.

 

She nags, she harps. I feel as if she wants things done according to her schedule, which I am not able to do a lot of the time. I have to ask if it's ok for me to eat ceratin foods. She makes sure that there are meals that are ready for my father and I, but I dont really want that. I want a Mom who seems to like to have me around and as a daughter. This doesnt seem the case as her actions show.

 

I've finally gotten down to the pointin which I dont interact with her much. if she gets on my case I just put her in her place. I am so angry. My dad mentioned tonight how things would work so much better if I interacted with her differently. I have tried to interact with her so many different ways, including the way he suggested. I told him that he doesnt understand that even if I interact with her the way he suggests, it still won't work? I've tried it already. He doesnt see it. What do I do to keep myself from going insane and possibly punching out walls??? I told him that I have tried it all and nothing works.

 

I got more mad and productively decided to type this in hopes of abating my anger. I got upset because I feel that she doesnt like me.

 

anyone help???

[confusion123]

hey crinklecat,

 

i am only 17 (turning 18) however, i can really relate to what your describing but its more my dad than my mum. I have always felt distant from my dad, and it isnt because he is a bad person, its just certain qualities and characteristics he has that i dont possess myself.

 

My father is the controlling type...the type where its "my way or the highway". Things like taking my cup to the sink as you were saying...that can turn into a big argument and thisis often the case. Little things like me forgetting my thongs in the living room or leaving a book in his little study room can turn into a much bigger deal than what it is. He can never let things pass or just be...and always seems to be complaining. When i was younger nothing irritated me more than my father. I didnt understand why he fussed over things which were just so insignificant in the course of life. Well it still bothers me but i am starting to learn how to control my temper. Heres the trick....

 

I think its a good idea to research your mums past...and in saying her "past" i mean the way she was raised and brought up. I found that my dad had adopted many of these irritable characteristics from his father who was very much like my father, apparently only worse. This may seem silly, but identifying possible reasons as to why your mum is like that may help you in sort of empathising with how she is feeling and not get so angry with her. It is a slow process but it does work. I am starting to learn that this is how my dad has been raised and trying to change him now isnt going to work. I think you need to just learn to accept the way she is...because whether she being nice, friendly, loving caring or distant well it is difficult to change her at this stage of her life.

 

There are probably certain things that you know really get on her nerves, although they shouldnt. maybe try to avoid doing these things just for the sake of keeping the peace. Just try it, by the sounds of things you have nothing to loose. All the best of luck

 

hope this helps

 

 

My p

[Aali]

I hear ya girl.

 

Its easy to cry about what you dont have then to accept and understand what you have. You have needs but your mom cant fill them. Wearing cool clothes and learning about make up is not all that there is too life. There is a lot more and you will learn about it as you grow.

 

I do recommend that you talk to her. and if she does not understand then dont bother. Do your own thing. Be your own mom. Learn by yourself. If u think that wearing cooler clothes is going to help you make friends and if you want to be friends with people who are shallow enough to jugde by looks then you need to re think the situation.

 

It hurts honey but you have to deal with it. Some years down the road you can rethink about it but now you have to concentrate on you. If you think that u need to look different, then work on that look. If you feel that you want to do different things then do that.[/img]