Hope or not?

[glimmerofhope]

My girlfriend of three years broke up with me a few weeks back, and I have just completed my first week of N/C after having moved out last weekend. Shockingly, I am having a rough go of it.

 

My difficulty is with the tone of the whole break-up, and specifically whether it means there is some hope for reconciliation. On one hand, she was telling me I am her best friend, that if she were single she'd be looking for someone just like me and that I am the greatest guy she knows. At the same time, she was extremely resolute on the point that it is over, and that she sees no hope for a rekindling.

 

As a reason for the parting of ways, she could only tell me that she was unhappy and that the "dynamic" of our relationship had become degenerative. Her words: I was trying too hard, and the relationship became "too much".

 

A little context: First two years were great; things moved very fast--moved in together after only a couple of months dating--but we were very happy; in the beginning of year three, she gets her dream job and meets a whole bunch of people with whom she shares many interests; begins spending lots of time with them; meanwhile, at the same time she is making her transition, I am starting grad school. I become insecure, afraid I am becoming lost in the mix, that I will lose her. I suppose this is where I started trying too hard (more cooking, cleaning, etc.). She, in turn, pulled away more. The more she pulled away, the more I tried. And now here we are today, five weeks broken up after three years together.

 

I just cannot make any sense out of this. She really was my best friend. We saw the world the same way. We had this uncanny knack for thinking the exact same thing at the same time. I was very close with her family; they were stunned by this development, and are trying to stay in contact with me (should I cut this off, too, by the way?).

 

Geez, that's about all I can stand to recount for the moment. Any thoughts on all this rambling? What should I do?

[ladyblue07]

If you want a completely honest view, I'll give it to you, but if you don't want to hear it then feel free to disregard...

This sounds to me like a case of "growing in different directions".

You guys fit well together in your younger days, but now you're both growing and changing, and you're on two different paths now. It doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It's just a common thing tht happens to relationships when people go through big life changes (especially in the 20s!). If you're close to her family in their own right, I don't think it would hurt to stay in touch with them - but personally, I would not be trying to get her back at this stage, because it sounds like she needs a chance to figure out who she is now that she is in a new stage of her life.

That's just how I see it. All the best to you in recovering from this.

[glimmerofhope]

I appreciate the honesty, but does anyone have a more positive outlook?

 

We never really even fought--even to the bitter end, we still pretty much got along and could hang out and have fun. And again, her complaint from the relationship wasn't that we still didn't get along or have things in common--it was that I was "trying too hard".

[CatsMeeoow]

I know how badly you want her back and to fix everything pronto.

 

If you are already in NC good for you! You are ahead of the game.

 

Don't stay in contact with the family - it just makes it more awkward for her and then for her to resent you more. They are her family. Don't be rude. Just be unavailable to them. If they care about both of you they will understand.

 

Give her some serious space. I wish I had done that with my ex, but I didn't and I lost big time when he even stated if I just had done that we'd be in a better place... live and learn I guess.

 

So hang around here and get lots of advice... and stay NC!!!

 

Best Wishes!

[glimmerofhope]

One of the problems is that the buildings we work in are right next to each other. In fact, just the other morning I saw her as I was walking in to work--and she saw me, too. I said nothing, and neither did she, but it was an uncomfortable moment.

 

Also, her birthday is in three weeks. Is it a gross violation of NC to send a card--nothing heavy, of course--just to say Happy B-Day?

[Clabs]

Hey fella and welcome to ena.

 

Mate - I know you must be really hurting right now and I am not surprised.

 

ladyblue is right - travelling down these two paths that have slowly been getting further and further apart. This happens and there is not much you can do about it. I am not trying to belittle your feelings here - but just to let you know that it is not something that you have specifically done. It sucks that it seems so wishy washy - if there were no real apparent reasons for the brealup. I had this and it did my head in. But at the end of the day, it may have been good for you but there was something missing for her.

 

Cats is right - trying to push for answers - scrabbling about in a panic trying to get her back will just push her further away - you have already experienced this.

 

So - what can you do? In a word - disappear for a while - give her a serious amount of space. Don't contact her - leave her alone. Your focus right now is on her. Take things a day at a time and with time, your focus will shift over to you.

 

It hurts like hell, but get your mindset to the point where you accept that she has gone for good. Damage control - hope for the best but prepare yourself for the worst. Maybe she will come back and maybe she won't but if you assume she ain't coming back any time soon, you will be well on the way to healing - and better physically and emotionally to deal with whatever is around the corner - none of us know what is on the docket for us.

 

It won't help much right now but it is perhaps best that this happened now rather than if you had gotten married with children a way down the line.

 

It sucks that you have to drop contact with her family, but I am afraid this is for the best too in many respects - least of all that you will be tempted to grill them about what she is getting up to - to get some answers. That reminds me - keep away from myspit and f@rtbook - lots of people come unstuck snooping about on those places. People go snooping but rarely find out anything good - it always ends with you finding something that does you no good.

 

Try and keep really busy - I mean really busy. Lean on your friends and family and take yourself down the gym ot start jogging. Oh - and remember to try and have some fun!

 

Lots of people find it very theraputic to write all this stuff out. Lots of people want to write letters and emails to there ex's and whilst the composing aspect is good - actually sending it is not because you are unlikely to get the response you want and it will just set you back, hurt you and make yoy feel foolish. Write it out and then re-read it the next day - or post it on here.

 

You will receive lots of support on here - use it.

 

Take care fella - you will see better days.

 

Mark

[orangesoda]

i spoke with my female friends regarding something similiar to this and what they said was that when you try to hard (cooking and cleaning like crazy), and you never say no, and you give in to everything, then you just stop being a challenge. and there's no excitement in it for the woman anymore because it's true (for both sexes), that we want what we can't have and what we can have so easily, we dont value so much anymore.

 

so i think strict NC is a really good plan. Be friendly if you run into her but dont reveal details about your life. if she comes back to you, it will be because you werent around.

[glimmerofhope]

You bring up a valid point, orangesoda. In my situation, it pertains to a great irony. You see, I never really gave in to everything or stopped having opinions. And while it's true that I started cooking and cleaning in part because I was trying to earn her affection, the main reason was because I was in a better position to do it (i.e., more time).

 

That said, I didn't challenge her enough, and moreover, I didn't have enough respect for myself. As a student, I was not able to be an equal contributor, so affected me. Couple that with the fact that she was meeting all of these new people and making all of these new connections, and I felt irrelevant. I wasn't, I don't think, but I felt that way, and she sensed it, and that, in turn, became a corrosive force in our relationship.

 

Or at least that's what I think.

[orangesoda]

best to accept the reality of your current situation glimmer.

 

i know you want to hear that there's hope...and to be honest, there is always hope.

 

but if the two of you find your way back to each other, then when it happens, its best that you bring something new to the table. a new hobby that you can share. new restaurants to try together. new places to daytrip to, etc.

 

basically, you have to bring more to the table than what you did before.

 

and i know you're probably thinking, "but i did so much already."

 

that's why NC is not just about healing yourself but also giving you time to decide whether the effort to reconcile is worth it to you.

 

you just may find that its no longer worth the effort. and possibly someone else will come along that finds what you do bring to the table is exactly what they want. and what she brings to the table, is exactly what you want.

 

so go and be healthy and have fun, live life and laugh, and smile randomly at things and people. find yourself again and see that you deserve BETTER than what your ex has recently given you.

 

try not to dwell on the past. (as I am doing as well). if you can make it for a couple months, then maybe you can speak with her and open the possibility for rekindling the romance.

 

so now you have your homework assignment, right? best get on it right away. report back on these boards with your progress. you'll find some good support here for your moments of weakness.

 

good luck mate.