Lil_kydarlin Posted October 25, 2003 Share Posted October 25, 2003 First of all, I'd like to say : I'm old enough to know better!!!! I've been through this at least a dozen times! I'd like to think it's because I'm such a good and caring person, but I'm definetly beginning to believe I'm just stupid and naive! Ok, I met a guy... we had a fling for a wk, he went back home- which was out of state. Had a little contact over the next 6 months (insigated by ME might I add). He calls in March to inform me he is moving back down here! In April he comes and stays a wk with me and looks for a job and a place to rent, May he moves down here, and his mother comes too (he's 29). Long story short: His mother comes to me and borrows money - swaring to repay me asap... note it has been 5 months - notta penny. He kept telling me that he was really hurt in a past relationship and isn't ready to be in a new one, and we should be friends first, and I just need to be patient. (We've had sex 3 times, none since he actually moved here) I try to be patient, then he finally informs me that he never had ANY intention of their being more, but I mean a LOT too him and how he can talk to me- etc, etc.... next thing I know, I call his house one Sat night and his mother (who is the most evil woman I know) informs me that he went back to Illinois and that the only reason he was my friend was because I was the only person he knew here and he was "stringing me along" was because she owed me money! She really hurt my feelings and we had words. Now, I know that he is back but I haven't heard anything from him... of course I realize his mother has prob embelished our argument - I was just extremely hurt that he left and didn't even say goodbye to me or my son who was very close to him. She's made me out to be the bad guy! Saying I shouldn't have loaned her the money... like it was my fault! How can a guy spend all this time with someone, who he knows cares about him, helped him in every way possible - and just leave? No goodbye-nothing! and then come back and not call? Don't men have feelings at all? And more importantly why can't I just chalk it up as a bad judge of character, I got used/ burned- and just forget him? He has NOTHING to offer me and his mother would always be an obstacle! What is WRONG with me? Link to comment
Mar Posted October 25, 2003 Share Posted October 25, 2003 Unfortunately, your first mistake was lending the money, which I'm sure you realize. A good rule of thumb is to never "lend" money with the expectation of ever seeing it again, since people tend to "forget" and you're out however much you gave them. So I only give money to people who ask for it if I'm sure I can spare it. Secondly, it sounds like this guy's under his mother's thumb in a big way. I don't know of too many 29-year olds who still live w/their mom by complete choice! Not to say he doesn't love her, (not that it sounds like there's a whole lot to love there, but still......) just that, by that age, you want to cut the apron strings and have some freedom! I hate to say it, but I think you just got used. Sad, but true. You also have to remember (and I don't know how true this is, guys reading this, please don't get mad at me!) that guys are a little less emotional outwardly and tend not to wear their hearts on their sleeves quite as much as we do. It could be that either A) he's just extremely selfish and took what he wanted when it was convenient for him, or B) his mother just took a real dislike to you for taking her baby away from her and may have convinced him that he doesn't need you. I'm really not sure. Regardless, it's probably safe to say that you're not going to hear from him again, and, from the sound of it, I'm not sure you'd WANT to, if his mother is that difficult and he's that influenced by her! If she's that nasty, it would only get worse. If he wants any sort of commitment with a woman, he has to get his mom off his back first. (Unless he's got some sort of mommy complex and enjoys it.....I dunno.......) Just consider it a lesson learned, and be a little more cautious and a little less giving next time you meet someone, is about all I can tell you.....I know it doesn't help much, but in that sort of situation, there's not a whole lot one can do but chalk it up as a loss! Mar Link to comment
Lil_kydarlin Posted October 25, 2003 Author Share Posted October 25, 2003 Thanks Mar. You pretty well summed it up I guess. He has lived away from him mother but now, somehow she has made him feel he needs to help take care of her. She has to other sons, but they are married and to hear her tell it, the daughter in laws are competing with her and don't want her aroung (WELL now I know why!). He made the comment after she borrowed the money that "she just messed everything up" I KNOW it bothered him that she owed me money (and no, the money is not my main concern here- I like you knew the chance I was taking and if she had of pd me back I would have considered it luck). I REALLY feel she's filled him full of bull. They don't know that I know he's back. I've learned my lesson - money does nothing but come between friendships- thinking I was doing something good- either he USED me or he's too embarrassed - either way, it ruined our so-called friendship. But it doesn't hurt any less knowing that. Link to comment
cookies Posted October 25, 2003 Share Posted October 25, 2003 hey there.... well it truly is a delicate situation when you fall in love with a man and his mother is involved. I always respect a man that loves his mother, however it can spoil love from truly blossoming to its fullest capacity. There is nothing wrong with you for lending her the money, or expressing your love to him, by caring for him when he needed you. Thats a sign of a woman that has a loving and caring heart, and dont think that you did anything wrong or be so terribly down on yourself because of it. I am the same way. Some guys take a woman's kindness for granted, while others do not. Its situations like these that can make you lose complete hope in ever being able to fully give yourself to a man, but just try to always look at failed relationships in a positive light, regardless of how hard it may be, or the pain that just wont subside in ur heart because of how he just took off. YOu will always have questions and wander how could a man love you so much ,and just take off, but know that you are not alone and it does happen to many women. This has got to be the worst pain in the world, but my advice is to pray and ask God to help relieve your heart of the pain, because if it was from God,..he wouldn't walk away from you if he felt you were an important part of completing his life...and hopefully you will be able to move forward... Good luck and just dont give up on love, and keep on smiling and being yourself even if you fight back tears behind the smile. It is definitely a humbling experience... peace cookies Link to comment
Lil_kydarlin Posted October 27, 2003 Author Share Posted October 27, 2003 Thank you Cookies, you sound like a truly kind person with a good heart. I can only hope people think the same of me when they think of me. I'm glad to meet someone like you- I will do my best to follow your advice. Link to comment
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