Confusing Time in My Relationship

[JSHRN]

I've been dating this woman for about 2 months now. Initially, things really took of with us - we talked about anything and everything and it was so natural and comfortable. She's back in school now and we rarely see each other - maybe twice a week but usually only once - and when we do she usually has her books with her. I know that school is more important to her than anything right now but we seemed to have drifted apart lately. We seem to be more friends than in a relationship. I talked to her last night and to a friend of ours last weekend - apparently I'm overreacting, analyzing too much and reading into things too much. Part of me realizes I am, yet, part of me thinks I'm right about this. She has so much going on with school and with an ex that still wants contact with her (she assures me things are over and I trust her on this). I don't think I'm asking for much here. Things aren't as romantic now as they were about a month or 6 weeks ago. We've seemed to have drifted apart.

 

We've expressed our love for each other and have talked of a future together but now I feel we are distant and I don't know how to get that back. I know she needs her space. She assures me it's just because she's been so busy with school. Our intimacy has suffered too - we haven't been intimate in 6 weeks - and it doesn't seem to bother her. When I talk to her it seems to be superficial. I want to tell her everything about how I heel about our situation but I don't want to appear that I'm pressuring her. I know I should just be happy that she's still with me but I'm puzzled why she only seems to have time to spend one day a week with me.

 

When I ask her if she wants to take a step back she says no. But I'm confused as to the status of our relationship now. She only lives 15 minutes away but we spend only 1 day a week together.

 

Does anyone have any feedback or ideas on this? As I said, I'm probably being a little paranoid about this but something just isn't right. A mutual friend of ours is also confused as to the sudden cooling off period from her. He said she was always trying to go out with me.

 

I'm hurt by this situation because I do love and know she loves me. I just don't know what to think of it.

 

Please help. (She's 28 and I'm 41, but age isn't a factor here). Thanks.

[phil1981UK]

Hey buddy,

 

Well you been going out 2 months and havent been intimate for 6 weeks! Well maths aint my strong point but given those times Id say you didnt turn out to be the guy she thought you might be once she got involved with you.

 

Sounds to me like you need to lay it on the line to her, you dont know what is going on and you need to know. Its hard but you have to pressure her to get the truth from her, could be she just dosent want to hurt you and is trying to let you down gently, so get some answers or you could end up with more hurt in the future if she has lost interest and just cant tell you.

 

15 minutes away and seeing her 1 day a week sounds very unstable to me, being busy is one thing but If she wanted to Im certain she could see you more than that, another sign she may have had enough.

 

Sorry to be so pessimistic but that is my take on your situation, i hope im wrong.

 

Good luck.

[JSHRN]

I have laid it on the line with her already. She told me that I'm over reacting and analyzing too much. A mutual friend of ours told me I was being paranoid. Part of me can see where I may be doing that but, for the most part, I stand by my feelings (which, unfortunately, are usually right).

 

The intimacy part bothers me the most. I know she's not with someone else (she literally has not time). I'm not making excuses for her - she really doesn't have much free time outside of school.

 

Initially, she asked me out as a "friends with benefits" deal - she didn't want anything more seriously after her last relationship. She was in a dead situation when we first started dating. Unfortunately, her ex's daughter is still a factor. Things really took off between us and it became obvious that this was going to be more than just friends. She's told me she loves me and said that she never thought she'd use those words again.

 

She has school 4 days a week but only 2 of them are full days, the others are only 2 hours each. She's got so much studying to do but it's painfully obvious that we could spend a little more time together than once a week.

 

When I talked to her the other night she told me that if she wanted to take a step back she would let me know. I believe her but wonder how much more we can step back from once a week! I feel like I'm pressuring her but I don't feel that she's being totally upfront with me. Lately, it seems like the relationship she has with me she can have with any guy. I'm scared of losing her already.

 

I respect that she is stressed out over school but wonder why she only chooses to spend one day a week with me.

[Down-In-A-Hole]

Man, I have been in your exact situation (even the 15 minute way part!). I was even doubting myself when she told me I was over-analyzing the situation and that she was just busy with school. However, my gut feelings turned out to be right: she eventually wanted to end it. She was just stalling because she was scared to lose some of the things she liked about me. Listen to your feelings man, they're 9 times out of 10 correct.

 

1 time a week is not healthy and no serious relationship can grow from that.

 

My advice: Stop contacting her and begin doing things for yourself. If she is too busy to see you more than 1 time a week, why do you have to be available for that 1 day? Don't wait around for her to be available. Doing this, she'll either start to really miss you and try to work things out or she will not contact you either. Either way, you'll know the truth and your mind will be at ease. Good luck

[JSHRN]

In my gut I know she wants to be with me. A mutual friend (who introduced us) agrees that I'm over reacting and says that I need to give it some time. We talk on the phone 3-4 times a day when she's on break from class or clinical; she calls me in the morning when she firts wakes up before she goes to school, she calls me from work. Id say she calls me at least 75% of the time. She just came out of a bad relationship and is admittedly scared of another one. Although she says she doesn't see that with me I can understand why she is afraid.

 

I'm really not making excuses for her. She called me earlier before she went to her clinical rotation at the hospital to say I love You and that she misses me. I know it's not a line - I know she's genuinely sincere about her feelings. As for us not spending more time together school and her studies really do prevent her from doing so. (She's studying to be a nurse. I became a nurse 9 years ago and know how stressful it is and how little time you have to spend with someone. It really is a sacrifice for everyone - no matter what type of relationship or marriage you have).

 

Before she went back to school in early September I remember telling her that we wouldn't be able to spend much quality time together outside of her studies. She sort of laughed it off and said "sure we will. I want to". Now realitry has set in and she's come to realize how little time she has for anything or anyone outside of school.

 

She talks to me more than anyone else in her life, including her Mom, who she is very close to. Her Mom has become upset with her because she's not available to go shopping with her. I don't want to put anymore pressure on her than she's already feeling. She really is having a difficult time juggling our relationship, school, work, her Mom and just the stresses of life to have much time left for just her.

 

Many of you probably think I've gone off the deep end with this post but that's part of the roller coaster ride I've been on lately. I didn't have much of a life before her and was a loner in fact. She brought the fun part of me out that I've been missing all these years. When she's on break from school I know we'll have more time to spend together. It's just so hard right now.

[Down-In-A-Hole]

Your posts are changing moods. At first you're really concerned about what she thinks of you and that you might lose her...and now you're talking about how everything is fine but you just miss her...what's the problem?

[JSHRN]

That's part of the roller coaster I'm on. I'm content that we're together as a couple and that we've talked of a future together. I'm not content in that we only spend one day a week actually seeing other. We talk several times a day and I'm the only one besides her Mom that she really finds time to talk with and spend time outside of school.

 

That's what I mean - I'm losing my mind. It mya seem that I'm trying to rope her into a 40 year commitment already before developing things. That's not what I'm trying to do.