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My heart is breaking


Lanni
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So, I need different advice this time. My situation is this. Married 9 years (actually as of today) and separated on and off for past year(ish). I met who I thought was my soulmate (I know, cliche). We have been friends for about a year and have been "dating" for about 6 months. My husband and I are excellent companions but sadly have been roomates for about 3 years. My husband knows about my friend. Even told me "I know, I like him too..." OK. So....

 

Yesterday I decided that it was time to end the relationship with my friend. It has become blindingly appearant that I cannot count on his word. It is the saddest decision I have ever made in my life. He didn't fight for me. He is now basically ignoring me (which is tough because we are coworkers). I think I have really hurt him and I want to fight for him until I take my last breath. But, my husband really wants to fight for me and our marriage. I am in the unique situation of being able to give him another chance. How many times in our lives have we asked someone to give it one more chance only to be told no? So I want to give us one more try.

 

What I need from you here is affirmation that what I am doing is good. That not running away is brave. That my broken heart will ease. I have NEVER broken up with someone that I love like this before. I felt LOVE! I felt giddy! I never had these intense feelings for my husband.... but I WANT THEM. So, how do you get over something like this? Please help me. This could either be the best or the worst decision in my life. But I do know that I never want to experience this kind of pain again.

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Hello Lanni

 

First of all, I would like to compliment you on the quote, very true!

On to your dilemma, Perhaps you need time by yourself to sort out all the emotions. You are torn b/t two men who both love you and you are forced to decide to choose one.

I do not have to tell you that this is very unfair to both of them. I am not shaming you, nor am I condoning you. I am just uncovering the reality of it all. Perhaps if you give up your new love, you will always regret it. Yet you feel entitled to your ex husband to try again, and if it does not work out a second time? Than the chance you had to be happy with this new man will be an oppurtunity forgone. However, if you stay with this new man, you may discover that this "love" you feel for him was just infatuation.

Either way you feel like you lose. And you will lose one of them. You can not keep one as a lover/husband and another as a friend. No matter what I advise you to do, or anyone advises you to do, you are left to live with the choice. If it is deep inside and you are blinded to whom it is that you want to spend the rest of your life with, stop seeing both of them.

Because if you chose unhappiness, the loneliest, most miserable person left in the end will be you. Think befoe you leap!

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Wow, your decision seems so very hard.

 

I'm one of the guys that has made so many mistakes that my EX would never give me another chance.

 

I'm one of those guys who realizes all the stupid mistakes he made only after he lost the person he loved and wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

 

Didn't do anything unforgiveable like cheat, just neglected, didn't show enough love, didn't compliment like a significant other should. But that's enough, and she gave me 2 chances already and I didn't know until it was too late. First love, first relationship....I"m blaming it on that and not knowing what love was.

 

Anyways, I'm biased towards your husband who wants to give it a second chance. Because I think a person deserves a 3rd or even 4th chance. I believe this because a person deserves another chance when that person realizes all the mistakes, all the pain he/she has caused.

 

Talk with him, communicate the fears of what you will face in your future and if you can talk problems out with him. Not run away, but be willing to face each and everyday together. If he doesn't want to talk about it, or isn't willing to compromise, accommodate and learn and love you. Then I'd say try someone new. Someone who will appreciate you.

 

I never wanted to do any of those things, and my EX found someone who cherishes her and appreciates her in everyway. Who treats her right and most likely communicates their problems to each other.

 

In the end, your EX husband will know that he missed out on the greatest thing in the world. Cause I know I have.

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