cutting hurts

[frail]

I was making a motivation poster in my room. I had wrote down 4 words that describe myself that most of the time i don't allow myself to believe. "Funny, friendly, Caring, and Smart". But i'm now so frustrated. I have lack of creativity at the moment and the poster hasn't been put to good use. But the scissors have. I left them on my desk, and at a sudden moment i decided i wanted to cut myself last night. I have only done it once before 8 years ago.

My arm is sore today and it was only 3 cuts. And i feel ashamed of myself. I'm a sissy and i'm glad i am or else i'd do this more often. I can somewhat see the satisfaction in it. Because i can see the pain. My pain is deep down within, i don't know much about it nor know how to get rid of it. At least if it's on my arm, i can look at it, see it, and tend to it. But the pain in my heart, theres nothing much i can do but wait.

I don't think i'll be doing it again anytime soon. I hope i never do it again!!! Eventhough it may have made me feel a little better, it hasn't solved ANYTHING. And i already have enough problems as it is. The last thing i need is cut up arms and legs that are the fault of nothing else but my own.

I don't want to attract that kind of attention either.

I'm not expecting any responses. I just wanted to talk about it.

And another thing... what i did was...

Not funny,

Not very friendly,

Not caring at all,

and definitely not smart.

 

 

[Honneur]

Buy some of those purple safety scissors that kids use. You can cut away all day with those and the worst you will feel is a tickle.

[frail]

i want to cut again. i'm trying not to. i just want to punish myself.

[berzerk]

Buy some of those purple safety scissors that kids use. You can cut away all day with those and the worst you will feel is a tickle.

 

Is that appropriate?

[girl friend]

What do you want to punish yourself for sweetheart?

Why did you cut 8 years ago?

And whats the pain in your past?

 

If you don't mind my asking that is,.. a lot of questions i know...

But it might help to talk about it...

 

girl friend

[frail]

I won't go into too much detail, it'll be too long and boring to read. I'd try and strangle myself with t-shirts or sit outside in the snow with summer clothes on, just to make myself suffer. I dunno why i wanted to hurt myself as a child. I was depressed. I was picked on in school. My family split up when i was 7. My mom has an alcohol problem and she moved away. She didn't come see me when she said she would, etc. etc. My brother had to move away and live with his biological father. My dad was a single parent and had to raise me on his own. He worked long hours and i hardly saw him. I was at my babysitters most of the time. I thought stupid little things i did, caused my life to be the way it was. I thought i was the reason everyone i loved went away. And i'd punish myself for not being good enough. I thought i was just being a silly child.

 

8 years ago i had found out my boyfriend wanted to get back together with his ex. He wrote her a long e-mail and accidently sent it to me. I was heart-broken. Again i wasn't good enough. I sorta just lost it, threw some things around my room and started cuting at my wrist, hoping i'd have the courage to press down hard enough. I tried to overdose on any medication we had in the house. But it just wasn't enough. He was the first person i opened myself too. I was 16 and he was my first love. I thought i was just being a stupid teenager.

 

Now once again i have lost another love of my life who i was planning to marry. I had to move away and back to dad on my hands and knees. I had to give up my new job and school. Everything i had worked for and all the conifdence i had built up is gone. The reason why we broke up... he actually said that i wasn't good enough for him.

 

I was right the whole time. Someone finally said it to me. So now what?

 

Now i just want to hurt myself all of the time.

[Angel_baby]

He wasn't good enough for you.

If he was hateful enough to tell you that "you weren't good enough" then it is a GOOD thing you and him aren't together. Putting you down like that is emotional abuse and I am willing to bet that isn't the FIRST time he has said things like that to you.

 

Putting the blame on you for the break up is how abusers are. Because they think they are "perfect"... nothing can possibly be their fault!

 

I am so sorry you had to go through all that. *hugs* There is better out there. YOU deserve to be happy, not feel pain and misery. I know all to well the feeling of putting that "emotional pain" into "physical pain" because you don't know how to cope any other way. There are healthier ways, just need to teach yourself how.

 

Are you seeing a counselor for any of this?

[Jeen]

Frail be careful cutting is like a drug, if you are not careful it will destroy your life. I should know. Please look for counseling and a way to ask for help before you do it. And there are many books and sites on this subject please do have a look, thy helped me a lot, I am still doing it but it is less and not as bad as before. But the ideal is to never cut or to even think of it.