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did i do the right thing?


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i just sent my ex an email this morning. here it is...

 

morning laura. first off i'd like to say that it's always nice to hear from you. i do enjoy recieving your emails and talking about what's going on in our lives. however i don't think it is a good idea if it continues....at least for awhile. i've thought this over and the decision seems to be in my best interest. i always wish nothing but the best for you and i hope you know that you can always call me anytime if you are in need of help. take care

 

shawn

 

 

we've been talking for the past month or so through email and we talked on the phone two days ago. the call went well, and she would say things that made me think she's still interested. saying she wants to fly up and get chinese with me, asking if i miss doing certain things we use to do when we were together, even talking personally about things in a sexual manner. nothing raunchy, just what a couple would talk about (what thong she's wearing, how her breats have grown, etc). other things too that're just not appropriate when.... she has a boyfriend. i asked her straight up if she's still with her boyfriend (from 5 or so months ago) and she hesitated and said "yes, but it's not serious.".... as we were getting off the phone, she said so are you gonna email me if i write you a good email? and i said "aren't we tight enough where we can just talk on the phone?" and she said we can talk on the phone sometimes, but emailing is easier. and then i found out later she went out with her boyfriend later that day which snapped me out of the high i had from our call. so anyway, i decided that she's confused, still cares about me and is manipulating me. i got tired of the ups and downs, cause i still have feelings for her, and feeling like she's just keeping me on the back burner.

 

so i sent her that email, hoping to find out once and for all what her deal is. how she truly feels about me. i'm doing the let her go thing and see if she comes back. did i go about it the right way?

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There is nothng wrong with sending an email to ask a question but you should have asked her that before she left and got an approprate answer, it seems to me like you are waiting for this girl to end the relationship with her boyfriend and then you can move in. I does not happen that way if you want a standard relationship with this female. You get the ups and downs because you let her give you them. You need to tell her exactly how you feel and get an answer if not move on with your life beacuse i think you are beening taken for a ride down town.

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I think the letter you sent was excellent, basically you showed you still have feelings for her, but at the same time are saying, Im not into playing games, and ill be around when your ready. of course in a lot more diplomatic way.

 

good job, let her get her emotions and head cleared up. then you can talk.

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thanks for both your replies.

 

the thing is i don't want her to think i'm just waiting around for her. cause then she'll just think she can keep doing what she's doing and come to me whenever she feels like it, if ever. when i said "at least for awhile" in my email to her, i didn't mean that i'll get back in touch with her in a month or two. i'm not going to contact her again. i just said that to leave the door slightly open for her, but i don't know how long i'll leave it open before i close it shut on my own. i guess after not getting the kind of response i'm looking for from her after a certain amount of time. but i'm not going to sit here and wait around for her. i'm using this time to move on for good. after all, she broke up with me almost 11 months ago.

 

during that last conversation her and i had, i asked her what the deal is with us. i told her she confuses me and i don't understand why she's emailing me and keeping me in her life. she responded by saying "i care a lot about you and you were an important part of my life. we're friends and i want to keep in touch to see how things our going in your life." so she's told me she sees me as a friend. although i'm still confused why she wants this, when she knows it wasn't a mutual breakup. i don't think it's possible to be friends with an ex when the breakup wasn't mutual.

 

she won't be expecting an email like that. we'll see how she responds.

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u did not leave the door open for her. it's a mistake. otherwise it's a good and honest looking email. the question is, if she doesn't call u, what are u going to do? forget her??? see my point. u do not want her to play but started playing yourself. if u want to play, do it well. good luck.

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I am not sure why you are calling off the relationship with her, is it because you want her to choose? She seems like a really nice and interesting girl from the way that you describe her, I would think that you would want to hang on to that sort of person.

 

Do you think that she is just using you or teasing you with her sexual inuendo? And that is what you are putting an end to the frustration of having feelings for someone who is still with someone else?

 

I could see where that would be troubling as well...

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so she replied to my email with "ok...". i don't know if she's going to call or what. i'm assuming no. i don't know if i did the right thing. i want to tell her how i feel about her and tell her that it's too hard to just be friends with her when i still have feelings for her. is this a bad idea to do, even after i sent that email? i miss her! what do i do?????

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I think you're doing things exactly right. You told her you wish to keep your distance....if that's the safe thing for you to do, stick with it. She has to realize that she isn't the only participant in this relationship, or ex-relationship, if you will.

 

See how it goes.....if she contacts you again, citing personal references and such that make you uncomfortable, let her know that. You don't have to be blunt, or rude, or anything negative. Just state flat-out that you're more comfortable keeping your distance at this point. If she asks why, it's up to you whether you tell her why or not. If you choose NOT to tell her, just leave it at that....."It's my personal decision." She may get angry, but too bad.

 

A breakup is hard, and each person handles it differently. How you handle it is up to you. She doesn't need to know your reasons why, or why you feel the way you do. Point is, you broke up. If you're not ready to handle a friendship with her, TELL her that. If she doesn't like it, that's her issue to deal with. At this point, do what's healthy for YOU. You're what matters most in this equation, after all!

 

Mar

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Hey caliboy, thanks for the reply you gave me yesterday,

Man we are in the same situation.

The e-mail you sent her was good..Keep it at that for now. You told her how you felt and it's up to her now to deal with it. I'm doing what you suggested also to send her a letter or e-mail to let her know how I feel. It's not fair that our ex;s do that to us, keeping contact after the breakup even when they have a new boyfriend. It's hard on us trying to be friends with them when we still love them. I'm dating and sleeping with this new girl but I D'ONT have the same feelings for her it's weird....

Send the letter and keep going at your everday life and if she and my ex come back to us then it was meant to be but we will really only know when it happens.

Take care man,

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i dont know about the email myself and this is only a personal opinion so dont take it to heart, im just judging it on personal experiances but im obviously not in the same cirumstances as you.

 

well it seems to be the point where you went wrong was when you put 'its in the best intrests of me' not the both of you.

and was she expecting this at all? i mean this happened to me once but over messanger where i was cut off and he felt it would be easier not to talk, and i agreed to an extent but in the way in which it was done and not face to face destroyed me. assuming that she loved you like i loved him it wont be easy. and thats why you just got an ok.

 

anyway thats just my opinion sorry if you took it the wrong way.

kel

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thanks everyone for your responses and appreciate your bluntness.

 

no she wasn't expecting this at all. especially after that phone call we had. i kinda of wish i hadn't even sent her that email and just left things where they were after that phone call. part of me wants to tell her this even, but i don't know if that's a good idea or not.

 

i called her after i got that weak response from her and left a voicemail and i still haven't heard from her. there's a lot to the whole story and you can search my name out to see some of it if you want. i still care about this girl, but it's tough just being friends with her when i still have feelings for her. plus it still bothers me that she has this boyfriend. the same guy who she was talking to when her and i were together. the phone call that i made references to earlier i think had a lot of manipulation in it on her part. saying things to provoke a response from me so she can see how i'm feeling. once she saw that i still care for her, then her ego was boosted and she went right back to screwing her boyfriend. she's having her cake and eating it too and it makes me sick. i don't think it's right that she tells me stuff like she misses doing this and that with me and other stuff, yet just wants to be friends and continue to have a relationship with this boyfriend of hers.

 

if i don't hear from her in a day or two, i'm going to send her an email just flat out telling her how i feel about her. that the feelings are still there and if a friendship is all she truly wants, then i'm going to need more time. cause having these feelings for her would only make a friendship impossible to have. i'm sick of having to play games. i don't work that way.

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You said it all "I'm sick of having to play games. I don't work that way." This isn't about her it's about you. IF you need time to let go then take it. Absense doesn't make the heart grow fonder. It helps you forget and move on.

 

Yes, it is a nice fantasy. Having her come back to you. Maybe it's even one you both casually think of. In fact, when you are both on that phone. It is like old times. For a moment you both forget the past and the present you enjoy the time together the taste of the fantasy. She is probably interested at the time. However, there is a big difference in fantasy and reality. It's a nice place to visit but no one lives there, understand?

 

Once she returns to her life, her new guy and her new things you are back in the past. Just like she is to you, maybe more, maybe less. The point it this relationship is a mere illusion. So if you want to live in reality you need to break free from it.

 

The hard choice is quite often then right one.

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It is so hard to predict how others feel about us at any moment, it really is!

 

Some play hard to get, but never get caught; some don't really want to be caught, they just want others to think they are available for action when they aren't.

 

I would say the best thing to do is let her come to you again, and move forward the best that you can with her as an aquaintance. i know this is an ambiguous situation, and ambiguity is never good, but it is a fact of life right now anyhow....

 

I know that doesn't help, but just know that others are feeling the way that you are too...

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thanks everyone for your feedback. i just wanted to say that my ex returned my call on (the day after i left her the voice mail) and said that i confuse her for sending her an email telling her to not talk anymore, then i call her and tell her to call me. haha it is confusing, but only cause i'm confused by her. anyway we talked for only 5 minutes cause i was in the middle of a round of golf, so she told me to call her monday during her lunch break when she's not busy. kinda odd how she asks me to call her on her lunch break when her lunch breaks aren't set in stone. like i know exactly when her lunch breaks are. would've made more sense if she called me. anyway, she was real sweet on the phone with me. whenever her and i talk it's always positive. so i'm gonna call her monday and lay low and keep things neutral. not sure if i'm gonna tell her how i feel about her or not. still confused with things.

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If she would like to persue a relationship, let her do it. If you play coy and try and let her know that you are open to her when she needs you and is ready, you'll show that you are mature enough to be patient and let her go when she needs more space.

 

If you try and cut off all contact with her, then you'll feel like you are missing something, right? So just give her time, she bounces around alot and soon, I predict she'll bounce back to you. There is a book recommended for women, but it may work in this relationship, called the "Rules". It teaches you to be coy and drop back when necessary, Cali Man, we are all different and our pacing is very different, life is like a big game a chess, you move, she moves, then its your turn again, so be ready with what you'll do or say.

 

It may feel like manipulation at first, but you'll get used to it soon enough.

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I believe he said he wasn't into playing games anymore. That's exactly what he is starting to do. You know relationships and life are only as complex as we make it. Life is pretty simple when you want it to be. We create situations and partake in events, which cause tension and confusion.

 

You are creating your own confusion by not making a choice. There is no advice we can give to break you out of this cycle. Until you understand why you are doing this you will continue to play these games and exist in a state of limbo. (Unless she wises up and cuts you loose, but it sounds like she won't)

 

You choose the problems and conflicts in your life they do not choose you.

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she called me monday and we talked for about half an hour. she was being real nice and everything as usual. referencing things from the past again. part way through, she asked what it was i wanted to talk about and what that email was about. i told her i care for her and all, but when i talk to her old feelings come back and it makes it difficult to have a friendship with her. she didn't say anything to this and went on talking about something else. not sure what that's about. she ended the call with "so you gonna email me in between our phone calls?" i didn't know what to say, so i said sounds good.

 

i don't know if i can be with a girl who's been with someone else since we've been apart. someone who truly loves you doesn't do that, right?

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- What is love?

- I'm sorry to say but you have a very one sided and naive view of the world. You will learn to view things differently trust me, or don't either way time will tell.

- What is the purpose of these games? Do you want to get back together with her? THEN SAY IT. No? Then WALK AWAY.

 

You keep asking "what should I do? What does this mean?" Hey if I could act for you and make your decision I would. Unfortunately I cannot make this choice for you. You have to MAKE A CHOICE AND STICK BY IT.

 

I'm sorry I'm being blunt, it's late and I should be in bed ;o) I just hate to see people stuck in limbo. We regret nothing more then inaction.

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Maybe it is time that u be honest with her and tell her that she is making you feel strangely jealous and you don't want to feel that way anymore since she is remaining in the other relationship and still continuing the thing that she had with you too. If you can't or don't want to talk to her anymore or give yourself six months for distance or something, tell her.

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I am sorry, but this girl is playing with you. She may like you and want to be friends, but if ot is hurting you, you need to move on. My ex did me the same way. He left me and then a few weeks later called me and told me that he wanted to be friends. I found that I was not healing like this. I became jealous of him and this new girl. I had to cut him off. You need to move on. It may hurt, but you really need to heal. This girl is moving on with your life and you are allowing her to stop you from moving on. If she loves you she will let you go. She knows what she is doing. Please! Tell this girl goodbye.

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