Why you shouldn't contact your ex

[IWOKEUP]

Hi,

 

I've been chomping at the bit to either email or send a letter to my ex not to rant but to tell him how hurt and disgusted I am by his ending it without closure or real explanation but my friends are all shouting "NOOO - Don't do it!".

 

I have come to some conclusions as to why I shouldn't...I would welcome other's input to assist and encourage me not to, but also for others in this forum who are in the same boat to "break fee" of this terrible addiction and pain.

 

Here are some of my thoughts for starters:

 

If you were dumped, why would you want to be with someone who doesn't want you?

Do you really think they would understand your pain or just write it off as sour grapes or neediness?

 

You may lose your self-respect or pride by allowing them to know you are still thinking about them and you may suffer the rejection all over again.

 

If they really wanted to be with you, wouldn't they have contacted you already?

 

Knowing how cruel they are, could you risk opening the door for more possible pain? Could you live this nightmare over again?

 

Heh, if they didn't want you and were prepared to walk away from a great thing, it's probably their loss and your gain. They are not worthy of your love.

 

I'm trying to live by this to save my pride but the tears still fall...

 

 

 

 

[LovelyLady]

I think the best way for me to help you is tell a story about my first love. We were best friends and turned into a couple within a year. He was my everything and there wasnt a thing I wouldnt do for him. We left college for sumer break and agreed to a long distant relationship until we got back to school in the fall. To make a long story short, over the summer we had minor problems (or so I thought at the time), and one day he breaks up with me. I was devastated (like yourself) because I didnt know WHY. I wanted to be with him more than anything in the world. I thought I was strong enough to get by without knowing the reason, without showing him that I cared as much I really truly did, but that only made his cut deeper and hurt longer.

 

Morale of story: You need closure or you are going to continue wondering WHY. I know this is going against everything everyone is telling you, but if you can't move on without closure seek it NOW before months go by and you are still wondering.

 

I'm not saying that he will or won't want to get back together with you, but if you better understand what happened you will be able to move on sooner.

 

Stay strong ...and you're right, if he can't see the wonderful person you are, then he isnt worthy of your love. You'll find someone better!

[DGuy]

As I am going through the exact same thing, my advice would be for you to not call. Closure is very important but the answers you get from him will probably just cause more questions so it will just start a viscious circle. The more you speak the more you want to know. Just sit tight and spend your time trying to do things you enjoy. Spend time with friends, start a new hobby, read some self-help books (they really help) If you meant anything to this guy, he will contact you in due time. Calling him may make matters worse. He will wonder why you haven't been calling him and if you happen to see him in person be strong and confident say "hi" and keep moving. When he sees how strong you have become without him it might start him thinking. Sometimes people end relationships just to have the other person begging for a chance and to get the "upper hand" in a relationship. It makes them feel like they "control" the relationship. If this is the case, showing him that you ARE able to live without him might be just the ticket to show him how strong you really are. It might all work out in the end but it may not.....this approach makes you stronger either way....Good Luck.

[Atom]

I agree. Don't call him. But don't play games like "hard to get" if he calls. He may need some time to think through his feelings (though I think it is immature if that's what he is doing).

[Senna]

you know life is very short and nobody knows whats around the corner you can spend your whole life wondering "what if" l say do it forget pride but you must see this as the last attempt on your part if he says no at least you tried.

[kamurj]

Well I was in your position many years ago. I was in the navy, and the ship I was on was deployed, the day we were heading back to home port, I called my girlfriend, it was a nice conversation about when I would return to my home port and when we might see each other again, and if I had gotten her letter. Then just after leaving port mail call went down, I got the letter she referred to, basically it read "DEAR JOHN". I was devistated and as soon as I got back to home port I tried to call but she wouldn't accept any of my calls. I finally let it go, it was hard because I really love this girl. That was over 18 years ago. then right before my sisters wedding 3 years later a letter came to my parents house addressed to me with no return address. I knew right away who it was ripped it in half and through it in the trash with out ever opening it. Then a few hours later I went back and read it. It was a brief hello "how are you, good I hope, thinking of you". well of course all the feelings came back and after a month I called. We talked for a month or so on the phone, never really discussing what happened before. Then we met one night, getting together was a fiascal to say the least but we finally taked face to face. We discussed what had happened earlier and decided to give it another try. Well we dated for a few years and eventually got married. although now its not the best situation, my fault not hers, but thats another story... Let me leave you with an old quote........

 

If you love someone...

let them go...

If they come back...

it was ment to be...

If not...

It never was.......

 

I hope this helps........

[Princess777]

I agree with DGuy. Don't call or write. He made his decision and you cannot control that... don't try to. I know it's so hard right now, but I agree that it will just raise more questions and you'll beat yourself up more. In this case, no contact will let him know that you can live without him and are not pining over him. I don't think it's a matter of pride, it's just that you can't let someone else control YOU either. I'm sure words have already been spoken between you two about what caused the breakup... think about that, don't analyze it too much, and remember that no matter what you write about or say, he's not going to think any differently until he's ready to do so himself. Give yourself some time and you'll get over him soon...

Princess777

[IWOKEUP]

Thanks all,

 

It's interesting to see how each of you have a different take. Bear in mind, in my unique situation, my guy dumped me because he is a commitment phobic and didn't want to talk about the future after 2 years and after booking a vacation with me and bailing out one week before our trip. His reasonings for the breakup was "I don't want to talk about any future plans and focus on having fun on this vacation". I can only surmise this means retraction on all that was said in terms of "us" and now it means only "him" and his boundaries. No words of specific complaint or reasons were given.

 

If two people in a normal relationship lose feelings for one another and both feel the end is nigh, the pain still exists but when one partner is led to believe all is wonderful with the world and the other does a 360 degrees,,,the pain and confusion can leave one feeling like roadkill.

 

He walked away in August and the only time I have seen him is online and that was 3 nights in a row on my buddy list but now he is gone...coward. Don't you think 2 and a half months is too long for the ex to come forward?

 

Again, if you loved someone and they walked away from you, were cruel, insensitive, rejective of your feelings, couldn't give a toss whether you are hurting or are in pain.......do you call that love? How far should one go in order to get closure? Should we just give it to ourselves (if we can) and move on?

 

How many of you went back for answers, received closure and had a positive experience?

[krantz]

Hi, twenty years ago I just let go of the college sweetheart I had so wanted to marry. He broke up with me saying it wasn't "right." Then, we went as "friends" to a dance, saw his eyes light up when they saw the girl he really wanted to be with now instead of me, and literally told him, "Go on, I'll be fine. Have a great time with R., she's a wonderful girl." He asked, "Are you sure?" I told him of course...then he left me forever, and I went home and cried my eyes out. Never conversed with him again about it. Wanted to be friends, but he drifted away and lost all interest in me as a human being. (As a sidebar, is this common of guys after a breakup? From what I have found, it's normal.) I was absolutely convinced that I was a "non-person" in his mind anymore. This was what hurt the most; not the breakup, but the complete ignoring and avoiding afterwards as though I had ceased to exist. And, without the satisfaction of me knowing what went wrong - what I must have done wrong to kill his longing for me - was there anything I could do to change his mind (useless question!)...Couldn't we even at least be friends, for old times' sake? I felt completely demolished and devastated.

 

He lives on the opposite U.S. coast from me. I had to fly out to go see an expert medical specialist an hour away from where he grew up. I looked him up on Yahoo people search and went to the city carrying his current telephone number.

 

I called and left a message at his home (saying "hi" to any other family members who might have been there - but there weren't - he'd never married!). I was so on edge not knowing if he would even remember me, or if so, care enough to return my call. He surprised me by returning it and we had an absolutely delightful conversation for 30 minutes (till he had to go to a children's sports game he was coaching). He remembered and appreciated many things about who I was back then. I tell you, I left all glowing and with this warm feeling that life was beautiful. My husband would never be able to accept that I got in touch with my ex if I revealed that to him, so I didn't -- and we left it at that...Neither of us wanted to carry on a relationship which was wrong...He also mentioned he didn't want to place his current relationship with his girlfriend "in jeopardy" by carrying on a relationship with me! (WOW)

 

I'm sure that we will never have contact again, but the glow and the awe of his having still cared enough, and respected me enough, to return my call and share himself with me for a half hour was amazing. I am so thankful that, back years ago, I did not push for "clarification" or demand an explanation. I allowed him to feel respected and that he had perfect freedom and that I still had my self-respect too (although I didn't, deep down, at the time but I got it back). I really believe that this helped us to be able to reconnect in a wonderful way, albeit 20 years later.

 

I really cannot possibly, ever ever tell you how deep this reached down into my heart. I am absolutely thrilled that I let him go as gracefully as I did, those long years ago. I have never forgotten him, and now that there are enough miles and years between us, he could, without needing to "create" a distance, admit he has never forgotten me. I feel as though I have gone to another world and back because of the fact that our two lives have gracefully touched again, "for one brief shining moment." (although I really love my husband and will never lose that!)

 

I feel as though, in a sense, I "got" back this person. I don't know if I could ever explain this feeling. I even felt as though, if we had both been still single and unattached, we could perhaps have made a new start. It was an utterly amazing revelation.

 

Just telling my story, for what it's worth. You'll never ever forget him, but in some way and on some level, perhaps God will "give him back" to you, and it will be the most meaningful thing in the world. The key to this would probably be taking the high road now and trying to stay "in the vessel" about him (contained). I'm sorry; I know it hurts like the dickens. If I hadn't been religious, I would have certainly been suicidal 20 years ago. I hated having to literally plant my feet on the earth when I wanted to be 6 feet under. But you will find love again, and this time it will be something and someone you truly deserve - someone who is willing to commit to another human being as a permanent love companion - a journeymate for life.

 

Plus, as I recount my talk with this old ex, I realize that he has never married since, and he may be on some level just as commitment-phobic as your ex (although there were other factors at work, as well). It really is possible your ex will never decide to bind his life together with someone else's. It comes to me now as a HUGE RELIEF that I was freed of him (tho' by his own initiative) and was able to marry another wonderful man and have a healthy, happy family since that time. I really wish you all of the cherishing love in the world, and a true, deep healing of your heart...and pray that you will go from strength to strength in your recovery. You are able to be a separate person now from this man, even if you don't feel it. You are truly unique and have something very valuable to offer to the world: YOU! You don't need him. He was taking you on a long road to nowhere.

 

I know that there are all of these conflicting emotions wanting to protest this realization and say "yes, but he really did seem to care." Well, yes, he did care! There was nothing wrong with his love for you; what was wrong was wrong with his own psyche and hangups. He still does love you, I am sure of this. It's just that he has these other insurmountable issues putting up a barrier that no woman can jump over. They say love conquers all, but I am not in concurrence with this. The more years I live and observe/experience life and people, the more I realize that our unconscious issues are really what make us tick and act the way we do. We can utterly adore someone and really want to be with them; but if our own unconscious issues and problems get in the way, that can be impossible until the issues are resolved. Your ex's unconscious issues got in the way. He doesn't sound able to work on resolving his own inner issues right now. This is not about you; it's about him - and no amount of explanation from him would probably feel satisfying to you or heal the indescribable hurt in your heart, anyway. Demanding reasons from him (which he may not even fully know himself, since much of his problem is probably on the unconscious level) would just give you another painful conversation to dwell upon, mull over, and suffer over.

 

This is a great time to set a special goal for yourself, work towards reaching it, and finding new things to work on and appreciate yourself for. There is much to be said for the feeling of accomplishment and the self-worth that comes with it. Perhaps you could develop a new hobby you've always set aside on the back burner. Perhaps you could do some volunteer work and feel useful in a giving way to humanity (which you are, but you might not feel that way). This pays back tremendously in fulfillment. Whatever you do, find a niche somewhere that underscores your value as a person apart from "him." Apply yourself hard to it, for you are fighting for your emotional survival. Declare your emancipation. Determine to control your thought life. (When you think: "I love him so much! This can't be happening!" ... Choose to think instead, "Why did I ever give the time of day to this guy ("creep", whatever you want to call him)?" Remember the times he hurt you and was insensitive...and remember how that made you feel...and tell yourself the very real truth that you deserve more than this. I'm sure there were wonderful and good things about him; but when broken up with, we tend to dwell on the positive things about them that we miss. Remember that there were times he missed the boat with you. You are a good and a valid person, a loving person who gave and gave and gave. Good luck, with whatever you decide and with carrying on. I do know that you will recover and that you will once again find the beauty in life and will find love. This sounds like an empty, "chin-up" platitude now, I know; but one day you will suddenly wake up, breathe, and say "You know, she was so right!"

 

Blessings to you.

[Princess777]

Hello all again,

 

I just wanted to add here that I don't think people can actually be "committment phobic"... if you think about it, it's impossible, because if they really met the one they're totally in love with, they wouldn't have a choice but to commit because they're feelings wouldn't allow them to just walk away. The only way anyone can understand what I'm saying is if they've ever really been in love. Real love, not just just a crush or a deep feeling. A few examples of real love is when your heart guides your head, you don't have control over the way you feel about someone, you do crazy things to get them and keep them, and if you lose them, you'd do ANYTHING to get them back, and you'd gladly step in front of a speeding bullet for that person without even thinking about it. I've only felt this way about one person in my life and that is my husband... it took me 33 years to find him.

Labelling someone as "committment phobic", I think, is a way to take the bewildering feeling off of yourself that you know deep down that the other person really just doesn't find you to be "the ONE", and that they are looking for something else in a person that you do not satisfy to them. I'm sorry if that sounds harsh, (not trying to be mean here!) It's very hard to admit to ourselves that we do not satisfy another's full expectations of being their special someone.... and it's ok to call them committment phobic if that makes you feel better and get over them quicker, but I think, realistically, it's like making any decision for someone else, such as saying "everybody wants to get married and if they don't, they're weird".... i.e. some people just haven't met the right one yet.

I hope this makes sense and I didn't offend anyone.... hope you'll at least think about what I'm trying to say...

Princess777

[IWOKEUP]

Well, I saw his ad on the net looking for a long-term relationship and that did it for me.

 

I wrote a terse, short email that was well-worded without sour grapes but to let him know I didn't think much of his treatment of me.

 

Two days later, I got an email that was penned by a boy with little ownership of his behaviour and a formal signage.

 

It actually helped me to look a this man/boy and realize what I had escaped.

 

I really didn't think I would contact him but I am really glad I did.

[kimg]

Dont call him. This happened to me and I made a fool of myself. When i didnt call he was calling me like crazy. When i decided to call and tell him my feelings and ask why he treated me like crap. he found out i was hurt and he took advantage of it. he told me to get my own closure. it made me hurt so much worse. i cried and cried to him and i think i saw him smile while i was crying. i finally stopped calling and he began calling me. you know what i do..........as soon as i hear his voice i hang up in his face. i have nothing to say to someone who doesnt care if im hurting even if he doesnt want me. if someone wants to be out of your life, let them go. dont hold on to someone who wants to be out of your life. it will only hurt worse. if he calls you dont even ask why? just say goodbye.

[IWOKEUP]

 

 

I just saw another ad from him on another dating website and this time it said he was willing to relocate anywhere! HUH???

 

OK......sometimes it's better to see your ex for who they really are instead of your imagined version which may not be one in the same!

 

I just feel sorry for the next lady who will be hoodwinked by this loser!

[Princess777]

Hello again,

 

I am sorry he is making you feel so angry. If I were you, I would stop looking for his ads, stop trying to figure out what he's up to, and just move on with your life. I know it's hard but you've got to do this.

Take all the energy and anger that you're putting into him and put it into your own life, healing yourself. I think it is important to heal yourself fully before looking for anyone else. Figure out what your preferences are and stick to them when thinking about dating someone new.

Hope you can get over this guy soon. The only way you'll know you're over him is when you don't care what he's doing anymore, and you don't think about him but maybe once in a great while, and it will just be because it was part of your past, not because you want him back.

Hope this helps some.

[IWOKEUP]

Right Princess!

 

You are right! I was not actively pursuing his comings and goings. That would be in my books..stalking. I happened upon his ad and was flabbergasted to see that I have been lied to for 2 years and that has taken my breath away. I mean all those words of hope just to see a manipulator who seems to repeat the same old patterns.

 

One of the reasons I joined this site was to relate to others who may possibly be going through the same thing. My friends won't even allow me to mention his name anymore. I do feel very much alone in my grief. I appreciate and understand all that you suggested and yes, I pray when that time comes. It looks like my grief period is not quite over yet and everyone wants me back to normal yesterday.

 

I am trying very hard to forget but after seeing that ad I feel very used, gullible and vulnerable right now. Please bear with me?

 

Thanks.

[SF_mike]

hi IWOKEUP,

 

Hope you're feeling better. Sorry to hear that you stumbled onto his ad again. All I can say is hang in there and be glad you found this out about him before it was too late and you were hurt even worse. You don't deserve to be lied to by the man in your life...Someone who cares about you wouldn't do that and would spend their energy trying to make you happy and showing you how much they love/appreciate you.

 

Just try and get through this....keeping mind of the fact that you won't be subject to his lies/manipulation anymore.

 

Have a good night.

 

Mike

[IWOKEUP]

Thanks Mike!

 

I appreciate your kind words.

 

I think they say"Love is Blind". The rational mind shouts logic and can evaluate situations evenly and rationaly.

 

When you fall in love, your heart takes over and sometimes the two are in conflict. The past and the present aren't one in the same. Neither is the man for that fact.

 

Thanks again!