Muzatsu Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 *sigh*THIS WILL BE TOOOO LONG! Relationships should really come with an instruction manual (but then they wouldn't be fun)... At first, well for the whole summer, I was miserable, almost suicidal, getting into some former habits I won't discuss. I cried every single day, without skipping a day, for over two months, and still cry occasionally. I sustained NC/extremely limited LC from the beginning of july to the end of august in which I would see him in a group (two times that summer in total) and basically ignore his existence while he tried to talk to me, or make small talk idly(having his circle and my circle of friends hang out, as all our friends used to be really tight). I only answered calls from him and did not initiate more than 3 calls that entire summer, while he also initiated about 2 or 3. At the very end of summer, I decided I wanted some closure, and he stated that he didn't love me anymore, coldly and carelessly (he was always aloof). Yet two days later after finding this information to be liberating, while telling anyone I knew that he was a lost cause and I was now permanently over him, he called me back. I had just downgraded him several levels to all my friends, and said I was over him, (though I wasn't and trying to make myself believe it and look ultra mean while doing it), he called. He doesn't talk to my particular friends, except in person, and because he was on campus and I was at home, no one could of told him that I had badmouthed him, in fact he called me as I was dissing him, so I told him I would call him later. He told me that he was sorry for everything, and I made an angry * * * * * list about all the things I did for him and all I sacrificed/did for our relationship...I even told him that the very same day I was telling everyone he was old laundry. Instead of getting mad or being indifferent (his typical reaction), he actually accepted the fact that I was this way, and that he deserved what I had said about him. He told me that secretly he had wanted to crawl back to me and make me take him back, ask for my forgiveness, and make a new start with me. He still cared for me a lot, and wanted to be in love with me again, but told me he couldn't say the word anymore because of the weight it held and the fact we were no longer going out at the moment. He told me he felt so terrible treating me the way he did (look at my prior threads for details if you must, long story short, he was emotionally unavailable) and that at best I should find a guy who would treat me better (which I easily could do). Yet, I told him that while I wouldn't quite wait hand and foot for him to come back, that I wouldn't see other people anyway, since I wasn't ready for a new relationship, and because I wanted to focus on me primarily, since I had lost myself in the relationship quite a bit. I told him I appreciated his offer of reconciliation (something initially had wanted very badly) but that after the bullsh** he put me through, he would have to have his actions speak louder than words, since he was the one that ended it. He couldn't even recall why he broke up with me, other than the fact that he felt inadequate, though he was the one constantly mistreating me, and I just happened to have the balls to tell him I didn't appreciate it. I told him I would love to, but that if he wasn't even completely sure of his own proposal (he certainly became ambivalent after I showed some respect for myself) then I couldn't be sure of his intentions to make us work. Flash to this month...I didn't call him after that conversation, and a few weeks later after that, he actually remembered when my first day of school was and texted me, though I don't recall telling him exactly...saying good luck and all this stuff. I then called him thanking him and we had a nice chat. The next week, we had two video chats, since we both got webcams for the first time. He smiled a lot *which isn't typical of him* and then he told me that he missed me and missed seeing my face, since we had not seen each other physically for months. The chats were very long, and very nice to have...he acted so warmly, which was refreshing...then I called him the week after and he went back to being aloof, though we did have another long conversation. I ended up meeting up with him my first day home again for jewish holidays (I'm not jewish wee) and we had a nice time, but I felt like I wanted to cry just seeing him in front of me again. At the end, he wanted a hug, I didn't ask for, and he hugged me too long, for a friend, and too closely...I don't know where this is headed...I need your advice, he acts so hot and cold all the time, telling me he wants me, then being uncertain again. I am re-initiating another period of NC without telling him to let things cool off, since the contact suddenly spiked again this month after months of NC/LC. (SORRY FOR RANT AND THEN SMALL ROOM FOR DISCUSSION) Link to comment
nuttybuddy Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 hi muzatsu, sorry to hear about your anguish. when u said that u were getting angry at him, it sounded to me like u were finally able to take that step toward getting over him. But as your story continued, you had these random contacts and now it sounds to me like you r back at square 1. i encourage u to re-initiate that NC as you have determined. and aren't u in college now? just make new friends and try to move on. you're at a new place. Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted September 17, 2007 Author Share Posted September 17, 2007 I know I should...I've met a lot of new people and made a lot of friends...but I haven't seen anyone that engaging or remotely attractive. Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted September 17, 2007 Author Share Posted September 17, 2007 more input would be appreciated...thanks Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted September 17, 2007 Author Share Posted September 17, 2007 sigh...I really wish I knew what to do, I feel like I'm just leading myself on sometimes. Link to comment
CatsMeeoow Posted September 17, 2007 Share Posted September 17, 2007 Ok - I'm no expert.... but - he did say he misses you and wanted to crawl back to you... maybe he is trying to take some cues from you... it's really hard taking a risk and putting your neck out there... he maybe testing the waters... if you go and act cold he'll probably go back into his shell. 1) ask yourself - do you want him? if you do or think you do then try to meet him half way. If you don't go back to NC. I mean lets say that he is interested.... you make an effort... but things still go south... life is about risk... is he someone you are willing to take a risk for??? If this were my ex I would say yes --- heck maybe I do get hurt again but then I'm not playing the what if game all the time. If he's not worth the risk of hurt then go back to NC and move on. Good Luck! Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted September 17, 2007 Author Share Posted September 17, 2007 I really love him, and I want him back, though everyone says hes a douche bag and that if I got together with him again they would think poorly of me. He never abused me in any way, (physical, sexual, or infidelity) but he was a very distant person...The problem, is that after saying he wanted me back and me delaying it by saying he had to show it, raised a bar of ambivalence in him. Three months ago, he said "goodbye" to me and that to kiss the pursuit of the relationship "for now." Then three months later, hes the one who wants to crawl back, and I turn tables on him. Now it's like hes playing games again, since I shifted power back to me. He says he can't give a clear answer about us getting together, he is still single, people ask him out, but he still says no...he acts like he really likes me one day, then the next day he could be completely opposite. I would take that risk and have a second chance, but he doesn't seem genuinely ready, and quite honestly, neither do I. He's my first love, and perhaps that makes me a little foolish, and many people would say forget it, but I'm so stuck on him, though not as bad thanks to that summer of NC/LC. Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted September 18, 2007 Author Share Posted September 18, 2007 sigh...if he puts his friends, including female friends back before you on myspace, after you were number one still after months of being broken up, does that mean anything? Or does that mean that myspace is just a stupid imaginary tool to make you assume things automatically. I am now number 5 instead of 1, but I know this shouldn't be a definite sign of him wanting to go out with his best girl friend because his number one is his best male friend. Someone tell me I'm just being immature getting worked up over a placement of people on a website... does this necessarily mean he doesn't like me anymore, or is just putting friends first since we aren't going out lol... Link to comment
Jeffster Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Mazatsu, Sorry, but I think he's playing you. He's just trying to ease his guilty conscience. Go strict n/c and ignore him. Give him time and space to miss you for real and move on with your life. You're way to young to spend any more time on this guy. I swear, you'll feel way better in a couple of months. Just my 2 cents worth. Good luck, Jeff Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted September 18, 2007 Author Share Posted September 18, 2007 hmmm...I really don't think he's playing me but I am naive and you are probably more experienced...I am doing NC again...trying very hard not to look at myspace/facebook, though I keep doing it. Is it just a lost cause? Link to comment
Jeffster Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 Only if you think it is... Link to comment
Jeffster Posted September 18, 2007 Share Posted September 18, 2007 When exes make general statements about the relationship like they still care for you. Or, I secretly want you to come crawling back to me without any intention of actually following through, they are playing you for a chump. He's just trying to ease his guilty mind, but as far as you're concerned it's meaningless. Until he can demonstrate by his actions that he's serious, you've got nothing but hot air. thereforeeee, wait until he demonstrates with action that he's serious until you contact him again. In the meantime, move on with your life. Link to comment
Muzatsu Posted September 19, 2007 Author Share Posted September 19, 2007 When exes make general statements about the relationship like they still care for you. Or, I secretly want you to come crawling back to me without any intention of actually following through, they are playing you for a chump. He's just trying to ease his guilty mind, but as far as you're concerned it's meaningless. Until he can demonstrate by his actions that he's serious, you've got nothing but hot air. thereforeeee, wait until he demonstrates with action that he's serious until you contact him again. In the meantime, move on with your life. thanks man, I'm just gonna ignore him for now...until he is actually falling to his knees at my doorstep or crying out how he seriously made a mistake, hes full of bs in my eyes Link to comment
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