Feeling very inadequate.

[Empathy]

First of all. I'm not extremely overweight. But it is coming to light that I have some endocrine problems that cause me to struggle with my weight right now. At the moment I'm 5'5 and about 140 pounds (and I have to struggle to stay this way) and due to some other symptoms I have exercise is out of the question.

 

I'm going to be upfront now and tell you that this is a porn issue too. However its not actual porn that I have a problem with. I don't mind so much that my bf likes to watch porn (videos with actual sex acts) because then that way I can tell myself he's watching it for the sex and fantasy aspect and not the women in them. This is what he says too and he seems very sincere so I believe him. However, it bothers me when I'm on his account and I go to do a search on google and things like "bikini", "tan lines", and "bathing suits" pop up in the search bar. (by the way, he was in the room and knew I was on his account when these things popped up so I'm not snooping.)

 

He knows that I have serious self-esteem issues because of my weight and he continues to tell me that he loves my body even though he also says that I'm the biggest girl he's ever dated (am I really THAT big?!). But I find it hard to believe and it makes me feel like absolute CRAP that not only does he look at porn, but he feels the need to look at women in bathing suits, etc... I've also told him that I don't have a problem with porn. Just when he looks at pictures of women alone or watches strip tease videos.

 

It just makes me feel that I'm not good enough. That he needs to supplement his life with extra eye-candy because I'm not pleasing enough to his eyes.

 

I never thought I was that over weight or unattractive until I started dating him. But only for these reasons. Am I wrong to feel this way??? It makes me feel so inadequate and the hardest part is there is NOTHING I can do to even come CLOSE to looking like the women he so frequently searches for on the net.

 

There is also another reason why this bothers me so much, but I need to make a separate thread for that all together. So keep an eye out. lol.

 

I also wanted to add that I have a tendency to be less than thorough when I initially post. Mostly because my emotions are everywhere when I come here. So, if you have any questions please ask. I'd like as much help in this area as possible. What little self-esteem I have left is turning to dust.

[Jayar]

There are two ways to handle this... Be insecure, second guess yourself, and ultimately let your relationship suffer... Or go out there and do a few tanning sessions in a bikini! Your guy obviously has a thing for tan lines (at least right now... Next week it could be something completely different, hehe) so why don't you do something to drive him crazy?

 

He's with YOU, which means on some level he finds you attractive. Since most people are ten times harder on themselves than anyone else EVER is on them, chances are you look just great. I know at 5'5" (and a half, thankyouverymuch) when I weighed 140 there was no shortage of men interested in me, even though it wasn't what I considered my goal weight.

 

Nothing (and I mean NOTHING) will turn him off faster than insecurity. Not fat, not endocrine problems, not ANYTHING. But the positive thing here is that conversely, nothing will turn him ON faster than confidence. And if HE doesn't want you, then someone else will. Don't think for one second he's any more of a catch than you are.

 

Best of luck!

[Jayar]

Oh, I also wanted to add that nothing in REAL LIFE comes close to what he's searching for on the net. Period. Seriously, I used to photo edit for catalogs and magazines. These women aren't the miracles... It's WE who make them look like they do when we're done with them that are the miracles.

 

If he can't see that or doesn't realize that, he's an idiot.

[Empathy]

Well, they're not models. Most of the pics he finds and saves are pictures of regular girls that take pictures of themselves on webcams, unretouched, real etc...so, yes. If I didn't have this endocrine problem its very possible I could be good enough for him.

[Jayar]

Well, they're not models. Most of the pics he finds and saves are pictures of regular girls that take pictures of themselves on webcams, unretouched, real etc...so, yes. If I didn't have this endocrine problem its very possible I could be good enough for him.

 

You don't get it... I think, endocrine problem and all, you already ARE good "enough" for him. I think he thinks so too. If not, then believe me (even not knowing you) it's his loss. Why? Because when you meet the right one for you, he won't have you second guessing yourself... Anyone that DOES, by default, is not the right one for you.

 

Life's too short (and too long) to be critical of yourself. Be the best YOU can be. I always advocate being healthy, dressing well, taking care of your skin and hair, and basically doing whatever you can do to be healthy and vibrant. But don't feel like your best isn't good enough just because it isn't someone ELSE'S best.