Do most separated couples date others??

[surfjon]

Hi all,

I've been posting for about 6 weeks here and want to ask others who have or are currently separated,

 

Do you and your estranged spouse date others?? Not that I necessarily mean looking for a relationship or sex, but dating for occasional companionship.

 

At first it seemed like the most foreign thing to me, but as the weeks go by, and I don't feel so broken, I'm wondering what the norm is, there is so much good advice here, I wanted to get other folks opinions that are in the same boat as me.

 

Thanks!!

sj

[Batya33]

I would not date someone who was still married (separated) or newly divorced if I was looking for a serious relationship because I would be too concerned that they had not spent at least a year being legally and officially single - just like being legally married quite often changes a relationship so does being officially single. I declined dates with several separated men who insisted they were ready. Then those same men called me a year later to tell me I was right that they thought they were ready but weren't because the finalizing of the divorce and being legally single had a real impact. Heard many many other stories like these.

[nuttybuddy]

I think everyone's different on how long they can wait before they start dating.

 

But if you feel like you've emotionally reached a level where you don't think you're heart broken anymore and that you sincerely would want to pursue another serious relationship... then go for it.

 

But if you feel like just casual dating, best let the ladies know upfront that you're not looking for anything serious yet.

[Batya33]

I think it's often hard for someone who is still married or newly divorced to be able to gague whether he is ready to date - his perspective and judgment could easily be clouded by his marital status. That is what I have been told by certain men and heard many times about other men(and women).

[Dako]

I understand what you're asking.

 

I enjoyed female company while separated, and it sure helped my perspective. I'd recommend it in the way you asked your question, but I'd be careful not to cross the line into dating until you know the marriage is over.

[just M.E.]

I am separated and consider the same thing, for the same reasons and more. My ex has hoped right back in the dating ring, (maybe he was in it before we separated?), I'm not ready for a relationship. I do want male company for two reasons. 1. I need the perspective on male companionship, I don't want to pull so far away, I lose touch with the friendship of men and become bitter to men as a whole. 2. I want to do things with someone who can spend one on one time with, not be the third or fifth wheel with couples. I spend most of my social time with married couples, and that is also theraputic, seeing healthy relationships.

I have a couple of single male friends and we haven't socialized yet, but they have been down this path themselves. I think keeping the honesty in the beginning, stating how you feel, keeping it open so there are not false expectations is fair.

Some people date for a relationship and some date without wanting anything beyond companionship, as long as both parties are ok with it, who am I to judge. (Maybe this really isn't dating?)

Knowing your separation is not going to be reconciled makes a difference. I couldn't imagine dating if both me and my spouse intended to get back together.

[Dako]

^ Well put.

It's not so much about dating, but about reassurance and companionship.

Ending a marriage is extremely disorienting. Just a convo can mean the world.

[surfjon]

Thanks for the input all.

I am not speaking of anything serious, how can it be such a short time out, after 20 years, I guess it could take a very long time to want another relationship, but after no contact and input from the opposite sex, other than you guys here, you do become separated from the viewpoint of the opposite sex.

 

My friends are great, but all are either married or in relationships.

I think a walk on the beach, seeing a great band, having coffee, going to dinner, or just talking with the opposite sex is a necessary part of life and to an extent, healing.

 

I can't imagine anything physical, it's too soon, but I won't lie when I say I miss being in a womans company. I've tried going places alone, dinner, bands, etc. but I usually end up going home depressed and lonely, I always make sure I have a book if I eat alone. It makes me feel like less of a standout.

 

Funny, when I used to be out with my wife, I always noticed the loners eating or at a function and always felt for them, wondered were they happy or sad, did they have someone to go home to or were they going home lonely, and I'd think about how I would feel to be in their shoes.

 

Ironic how life is, because now I know what it feels like.

[Dako]

I certainly understand. When my long marriage ended, the lonliness was like nothing I'd ever known. At that point, sex was the furthest thing from my mind but a woman's simple company was profoundly comforting.