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Auuggghhh! This guy is driving me mental.


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I would sure appreciate some feed back on what's up with this situation...


I recently changed shifts at work a couple of months back. I had worked this shift about 2 years ago and still know a few people on it -- enough to have some fun joking and flirting with some of the guys. There is a newer guy on the shift tho' that has recently flown into my radar and now has my head spinning. I think he likes me, but his actions confuse the heck outta me. He has a humorous, joking nature (most of the time, but I get the impression he's lonely and a little isolated, too -- apparently no current G/F). We joke with a lot of the same people and we hang with the same group at breaks, altho' he works in a different dept. on the other side of the business.


Before I really sat up and took a second look at him, we had a couple of casual conversations about pets, family, etc... no biggie and we flirted very mildly (imho) as co-workers will do. Then I started noticing him watching me, checking to see where I was and ending up doing projects that would put him close to my dept., even waiting to see me come out of work. So, I started checking him out right back. Anytime he's come up to me I've still tried to keep it casual and nonchalant -- still mildly flirting (nothing overt or flat out suggestive... altho I might step it up if something doesn't give soon).


The few times he's initiated conversations, I've tried to be attentive and really listen to him (which hasn't been easy -- distracted by his mere prescence), look him in the eyes and generally try to show that I am interested in him (but not, obviously, how much). I always try to greet him when we arrive at the time clock together at shift start. I have even been the one to initiate a few casual convos (however, he always seems to clam up). And herein lies my problem...


Virtually anytime I start the interaction, he gets this "deer-in-the-headlights" look on his face, shuts up and seems to try to avoid me (easily done, as I never have a reason to go over by his dept.) for either the rest of the night or up to a day or two (altho we will exchange glances as I catch him watching me).


If I ignore him and don't say anything, he's back talking to me -- especially if he sees me laughing and having fun with two of my "safe"(I have NO interest in them beyond friendship) male friends in the depts neighboring mine. A couple of times he's seemed to almost trip over himself to come get in on the exchange. But just let me acknowledge him, and the next break, he'll position himself anywhere I can't sit next to him or he'll start up talking to another female co-worker (sort of bothers me, but hey, they're friends too)!


I guess I am okay looking, maybe pretty if I work at it (no one has told me to put a bag over my face... yet), but I would not describe myself as anywhere near "striking" or beautiful. I am however considered to be witty (I love to make people laugh), fun to be with and fairly self-confident (I have a lot of "internal talents" I rely on). But with this guy, my confidence is taking a bruising. Am I crazy? Is he?


Does it seem that he might like me and is shy about it, or am I fooling myself and I have him running scared that I might actually want to be with him? He's mentioned (to the group) about a couple of ladies that threw themselves at him and he wasn't interested (his story anyway).


If given half a chance, I would so like to rock his world, but I'm not out there to scare him to death... I just don't need that to deal with. Anyone out there offer me any insight into this guy? Especially, any of you guys who have been there, done that and can give me a clue to what he feels and how I can best move on from where we seem to be stuck at the moment.


Sorry so long (wanted to give a fuller picture). Thanks in advance.


edited to add: I thought I was being nonchalant, calm and cool, but I recently saw a list of non-verbal sex signals women give out to show interest, and didn't my jaw drop when I realised I done all the things on the list around this guy... many a lot more than once!

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I think that this guy is extreemly shy around women. I used to be like that too. I just wouldnot get hints from women. It didnt matter how obvious they were. One girl was so fed up with me that she ask me out herself. I think that you might have to do the same.


Or he could be gay......

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He could be gay (nothing wrong with that), altho' he has apparently taken out a couple of other women from work who are on another shift (still gets along with a least one of them fairly well... enough to occasionally speak to). Altho having a couple of close gay friends, I know this is not a reliable indicator (both friends admit to having slept with women before).


If he is, then why is he acting the way he does around me? He doesn't do this to other people that I can see (male or female). I definitely do not resemble a guy (and no mistake, attraction or disgust or whatever, I am the focal point -- not my two buddies).


I like the guy, and would like the opportunity to get to know him better (maybe he's only meant to be a friend... can't have too many of those) --

or if he's not interested and keeping his distance'cos he's sussed out I have a crush on him...(hey, he started it! ) well, then I can and will let him pass on by just as easily. I just wish I could get a clearer reading one way or the other. His mixed signals are frustrating.



Amdabar, I can understand your concern... and it may be that has been your experience; but for many people, work is where you meet and spend time with the widest variety of others, and things -- feelings that develop into relationships -- are most likely to happen.


To me, it depends on the type of work place and the atmosphere there. Where we work is known for fostering couples (married and unmarried) as long as they work in different departments and one is not subordinate to the other. Secondly, for me, this is not a "career" job. This is a long-term temporary, "fairly- decent-paycheck" thing while I work toward a more permanent future gig elsewhere. To leave it might be inconvenient for a short while, but no great loss. Would it be worth keeping and missing out on a possible companion for life (not that I'm saying this is The One, no)? Definitely NOT! Lastly, I would never date a subordinate or a superior at work nor would I be likely to stay working there if I developed a good, exclusive relationship with a co-worker; but I have (successfully, imho) dated another "equal" co-worker before in another job. The relationship lasted 3 years and went on long after the "job" went bye-bye. He was a great guy... should I have missed out on that experience because of some high-labor, low-paying, dead-end job? I think not.


Still wishing I knew some "genteel" way to get this off dead-center or understand him better, but I am indebted to you for taking the time to answer.

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Hi Reise,


I agree with mb_guy. Your coworker friend seems to be very shy around women but can also be a very outgoing person in a group setting (I am actually very similar to this myself).


If I were you, I would ask him out for dinner or lunch and get to know him more. He may be too shy to ask you. He could even think he is getting mixed signals from you. Does she really like me or just want to be friends


Things should work out.

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treat the guy to lunch some time, but give him a couple days notice. He likes you, but seem to be somewhat socialy inept. If thats the case he's probably the kind of guy that is tarafied of loosing control over his social interactions. When you go after him he's allready at a loss. If you ask me he's probably scared when you come to him becouse he dosn't have time to mentaly prepare himself. Wait till one of the moments thats he's talking to you and ask him if you could take him out for lunch or dinner in a couple days. He'll probably say no the first time, but if you keep it consistand and cashuial (bring it up once a week or so, just don't make it so he can set his watch by when you ask him) he'll eventualy feel comfortable to say yes. Watch out thoug, becouse if this guy is like I think he is if you do end up together you'll absolutley crush him if something happens. For those kind of guys relationships aren't something to play with. He'll sacrafice anything for the relationship, and will expect you to do the same.

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