Can I ever win her back?

[greengrape]

Hi. I'm pretty sure what people are going to tell me but I still believe it is possible though part of me is a little confused and any help and advice will be great. Basically, my ex and I had been together for almost 4 years (and lived together for 8 months at the end) when she eventually knew I was the one for her and ask me how I felt. Stupidly, though I thought she was the one for me, I said that I did not know. It's the worst mistake a man could ever make - not being true to his own feelings. I did love her with all my heart but something held me back and I think it was my own fear of the future. Needless to say, she quickly withdrew her love from me and eventually left (last Novermber, 2002) but said that the door was never closed. She moved to another city.

 

Since then, we have had a few ups and downs as friends and in April of this year (2003), I told her that she really was the one for me and that I had been foolish to have let her go. However, she now had a new life in a new city and neither of us was prepared to move. Since then, we have gone on a couple trips up until one a few weeks ago when we actually made love (which she initiated) on a longer trip and she told me that if I moved to her city, we would be together. I said that I would. We didn't talk much more about it and since coming home, we talked on the phone (she even helped me with a job application for a position in her city) but I still sensed something was wrong with her. After perhaps being a bit too curious with her life there and appearing distrustful, she eventually told me she needed space. She told me that she was not involved with anyone but she had to decide once and for all whether I'd be just a friend to her or something more. Thinking that I had to do something (and act quick unlike what I did in the past) before she thought too long about it, I immediately flew over to her city, bought a diamond ring, and ask her to meet me (when I would propose to her). She did not. I was devasted and realized that she really did need space. Another week went by and I began to think maybe she never realized what my intentions were so I emailed her to tell her that I had something important to ask. She emailed me back and said that it was over, that she tried during the year and was just no longer in love with me even though she loved me as a special friend and talked to everyone about me. She again asked me not to contact her as she needed time to process it was over and that I did to and this was important in order for us to be friends later. I called her to tell her that I was going to ask her to marry me and she said she knew that but that the answer would be no.

 

I am both shocked, confused, disappointed, and incredibly angry at myself for letting her go last year when I could have married her. I am also upset at myself as perhaps I could have done more since she left to win her back. I also don't understand why only a few weeks ago she opened up to me and we made love (which she initiated) and she told me if I move to her city, she would be with me. She even emailed me a couple weeks ago after a phone conversation to tell me she was unsure of her feeling for me but she was making a stand that that 'yes' we'd be together if I moved to her city. We even made plans for me to see her in a couple more weeks.

 

We've had so many special moments together and I lost her because of what I did and this is also why she fell out of love but I know she know's how special I am. I love her so much and willing to change my life to be with her and firmly believe we are meant to be. I think she's a little stubborn and angry still that it took her leaving for me to realize or to tell her at least that I want her. But now, I cannot even talk to her at all. She also said that it's hard to fall back in love with someone if we're in different cities. I agree with this now and I am willing to move to where she's at. She had always kept the door a bit open since she left but now she's told me it's over. Still, though I know I have to move on with my life no matter what, I still think we're meant for each other and that one day we'll cross paths. However, right now I am in the depths of despair. I've never felt like this and can hardly do anything. I think me letting her go is a mistake I will carry with me until the day I die. I have to keep stopping myself from picking up the phone to call her again to talk or to email her or message her on MSN. I told her that I made a drawing for her and if I could still send it as long as she didn't throw it away. She said 'yes' - I know she still admires me very much as a person. She also recently said she hadn't met anyone she liked mostly because no one compared to me. She is incredible strong mentally and I think felt she just needed to end it for now for good because things 'did not and does not feel right' in her words. But is there any hope in these situations? Perhaps she just needs a clean break before a new beginning with me (she actually said this once). Perhaps she needs to date other people before realizing that she should be with me. I'm already going on a date but I feel like canceling it because it will not be fair to the other person that my heart is still desiring and waiting for someone else (who may not call/contact me again for weeks? months? years???). Help!

[hollyhoney83]

I can totally agree with needherback...100% to let go is the best way. I know it's an easy thing to say when you're not right there in the situation, but believe me, in my own situation, I'm trying to let go 100% on a guy that doesn't know what he feels for me. Sometimes when a person says space, they really means space, and if you don't give it to her she could end up resenting you. Space and time helps people figure things out...greengrape....by giving her space, you will be allowing her to clear her head and focus on what she needs to think about. If she does love you she will be hounded with thoughts of you and the memories you shared, and if she really loves you she will get over what happened in the past. However, you must realize, that by giving her space she can also figure out that her life is changed now, and that she wants to discover herself, and though that may seem hard, if she's changed then it never would work out again to begin with...goodluck!