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Am I overly jealous/possessive or am I right in this?


Lauren24
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I have a wonderful relationship with my boyfriend of 8 months. I recently moved out to California about 3 months ago and don't have any of my own friends yet. My boyfriend and I live together and spend all of our time together, including going out on the weekends. His friends are my friends, however, I don't have any of my own friends yet. I guess this is completely understandable when you move away and all of your friends and family are back home. I guess I got spoiled too because I love my boyfriend alot and got used to spending all my time with him.

 

Recently, my boyfriend told me that a bunch of the guys at work wanted to go to a strip club Friday night and that he wanted to go. He told me prior to this that strip clubs are a huge waste of money and that he didn't feel a need to go because he has a "beautiful woman waiting for him at home." He told me he only wanted to do a "boys night out" and have something to talk about at work with the guys. I got really mad at him, not only because it is a strip club, but also because he knows I have no girlfriends to go out with for a "girls night out". I know it's not his problem I don't have friends, but I just wish he would be more sensitive to my feelings and situation. I think it would be different if I had my own car out here, friends to go out with it, etc.

 

I also think he's being a hypocrite because he just finished telling me the other week that he has to watch his money and that strip clubs are a terrible waste of it. He has agreed not to go, even though I told him he could, but it's obvious it bothers him that he's not.

 

I am just old-fashioned and believe that pornography (which, incidentally he likes as well) and strip clubs are not something I want in my relationship. He gets jealous when I talk to my male friend in NY, so why on earth should I let some naked woman give him a lap dance?

 

Am I right in this situation? I feel guilty, but also maintain my feelings on the matter.

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Hi Lauren,

 

The reason that you have no friends in California is because you have isolated yourself into his world. You need your independence as well as this relationship, and that should be one of the first things you look at.

 

Your boyfriend likes porn, and you don't like it at all. Well, you are going to have to deal with this issue. Are you happy with that situation? If not, you are settling for less than you want just to be with him.

 

Why would you tell him that it's OK to go to the strip club, when you don't think it is? That will only cause fights at a later date. Of course, lap dance is different to strip club, and the distinction must be clear. Do you mind him going to a strip club? I understand why you would have a problem with lap-dancing.

 

Overall, you seem to have a number of things in your relationship that you are not happy about, and you should be doing everything in your power to sort those things out. Any less, and you are just fooling yourself.

 

Communication is the best way to deal with these things, but before you do talk about these things, get your own view sorted out inside your own head and know what you really do and don't want.

 

Are you overly jealous / posessive or are you right?

 

This is not about right - everyone has a different opinion, and there are many many girlfriends in the world who have no problem with their boyfriends going to strip clubs - or even lap dancers.

 

I have a question for you. How would you feel about your boyfriend going on a lads holiday to Amsterdam for a week? If that makes you uncomfortable, then I propose that you also have trust issues with your boyfriend.

 

Hope this helps you some,

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Hello Lauren,

First of all, my advice here will be a little biased, because of what has happened to me before, I admit!

I have always felt that way about strip clubs too. I would not be with a man who goes to them either. My first husband had a bachelor party that he said was held at someone's house and it was actually at a strip club. The only reason I found out was because he accidentally left some polaroids in the car of him, shirtless, tied to a chair with these girls with nothing but a g-string on, sitting on him, rubbing and hanging on him, etc. So I called off the wedding and everything. It was one of the hardest things to do but I eventually forgave him (didn't forget) but only with the agreement that he would never go to one again. It was the result of that lie that hurt me so much, and it's a very sore subject with me.

Anyway, my point is, I feel that once you make up your mind about how you feel about it, stick to it. There is nothing wrong with feeling that way. In my opinion, it has absolutely nothing to do with trust or jealousy, it has everything to do with RESPECT. If you truly love your partner, what need would you have to go see strippers, males or females? I guess everybody thinks differently but that's just my opinion. I'll admit I am an extremely devoted wife.

The other thing you need to look at here is that maybe he's not ready to commit fully to you. You are not married so unfortunately it's a little difficult to put your foot down. But now is the time to figure out if you could ever see yourself married to this guy, if that is something in your future. I don't mean to sound harsh and there's nothing wrong with telling him how you feel about this situation, but on the other hand you cannot control his actions, only he can. What he chooses to do with that information is his own free will and as soon as you try to control him he will run fast. Maybe it's time for you to sit down and make a list of all the qualities you want in a man, and see if he matches them. Then if he does, ask him where he feels that you two stand as a couple, and how committed he feels you both should be. Compare it with what you think. I definitely wouldn't compromise your own feelings just to hold onto him cause there are plenty of men out there who are happy with one woman and no strippers. You just gotta find the one that you totally sweep off his feet and he'd gladly do whatever it takes to make you happy.

Don't feel bad!!!!!! Be confident you're not a pushover like a lot of women... if they really knew what their men do and how much they disrespect them when they're out without them, they wouldn't be home when their man comes dragging in.

Princess777

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If you truly love your partner, what need would you have to go see strippers, males or females?

 

Need? Who said anything about needing? That is a totally differnt situation. This is simply going, because thats where an entire group of people collectively "decided" to go. They did not go because of need. They went because it is harmless fun - at least it generally should be.

 

Only insecure people feel threatened by the concept of strippers. If you trusted your partner 100% and felt 100% good about yourself, then you would not have an issue about them going to a strip club - and it really is that simple. Unfortunately so many people are insecure on this planet for so so many reasons - mainly advertising and the stereotypes that are put before us.

 

We all need to ask ourselves the question - Why do we feel threatened by Strippers and strip clubs? (Male or Female).

 

Heres a question to the girls : If you were my girlfriend, and we had a great loving and trusting relationship, give me one reason why I shouldn't agree whole heartedly to you going to your friends hen night at the Chippendales or local male strip show?

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I respectfully disagree, Charmed. If Lauren or women like her do not like strip clubs that does not mean that she feels threatened by them or is insecure. I am not threatened by them in any way, nor am I insecure about thinking they're better looking than me or that they're going to steal my man. I treat my man like I would want to be treated, and that is with respect. I think it is a matter of respect for my man not to go, and firstly, I wouldn't deprive a man of going if he really wanted to go. He just wouldn't be with ME. My man doesn't want to go so it's not an issue, and it's because I covered that line of questioning when we first met. If he liked strip clubs from the beginning, I would never have dated him again. That's just me. Her question was "Am I being overly jealous?".. She is not, because feelings just are what they are, they're not for anyone to say that they are right or wrong or for anyone to change. She needs to decide if her boyfriend's going to a strip club is something she wants in her life, and that's all there is to it. She already is secure enough to know that she does not want porn in her life, nor another naked woman flaunting herself in front of her man. If someone else wants to do that, then that is their own choice.

My point was that she should not feel guilty for not liking the places. I don't like them and it is my choice to not allow that in my life, just as it is hers. It's just like any other vice, take alcohol or drugs or porn for example. If someone chooses to not have any of those in their life, that doesn't mean they're insecure about alcohol or drugs or porn. It just means that they feel those things are not a productive part of a relationship, or life, for that matter. Just like strip joints. There is no NEED for them. Just like there is no NEED for alcohol, drugs, cheating, abuse, etc. Strip joints, alcohol, drugs, etc. are all things that are recreational activities that can be either engaged in or not. It doesn't have anything to do with your insecurities.

Like I said before, it all boils down to the fact that what the man does with the knowledge that it bothers her is his own choice.

Peace.... it's just a matter of opinion on what one wants in their life.

Princess777

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I'm not sure I understand why you disagree !

I have no problem with someone not liking strip clubs for a particular reason, but there is no reason here other than:

There is no NEED for them. Just like there is no NEED for alcohol, drugs, cheating, abuse, etc. Strip joints, alcohol, drugs, etc. are all things that are recreational activities that can be either engaged in or not.

 

If there is no NEED for them, then why are there so many of them and why is sex the oldest industry in the world? But thats only one of many arguments.

 

I am challenging Lauren to question herself as to why she feels the way she does about strip joints etc. I never said that she was wrong to be jealous - that is not for me to say at all. She has so far not said why she didn't like the idea - and unlike you, Lauren was willing to let her man go to the Strip Club, and get on with life. Again, I question Lauren - what made you change your mind and let him go? And why did you not want him to go in the first place?

 

I think it is a matter of respect for my man not to go

There are many many women who would disagree with this statement. This is indeed your situation, but not everyones. It's a generalisation that is not valid. It is simply your view, and not necessarily Laurens.

 

 

She is not, because feelings just are what they are, they're not for anyone to say that they are right or wrong or for anyone to change.

If she is so sure of her feelings, then why did she question them on the forum? Also, to say that feelings are never wrong is insane - they are reguarly for the wrong reasons like anger, hate and jealousy which would generally be considered for the wrong reason.

 

My point was that she should not feel guilty for not liking the places. I don't like them and it is my choice to not allow that in my life, just as it is hers.

You are answering for her - with your own opinion. She never said any of this !!!

 

 

Like I said before, it all boils down to the fact that what the man does with the knowledge that it bothers her is his own choice.

Again, my entire case is based on Lauren questioning herself and why she feels this way about the clubs.

 

Princess, you obviously feel strongly about these things, but to try and force your opinion on someone like this is wrong. Lauren was willing to let her man go to the club after all, and she is unsure about why she felt so jealous in the first place. You should try to have more of an openminded view on the subject so you can give open advice on the matter and not a forcefull one sided view. The solution to this question is inside Laurens mind and not yours.

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Princess, I couldn't agree with you more on this. Charmed, I appreciate your replies, but I feel the same way as Princess. Strip clubs are just not a part of my repertoire. They never have been and never will be. I am far from a prude and I am a very confident woman. I am young, attractive, and have a good head on my shoulders. My own boyfriend has even suggested to me in the past that I could be a stripper and make a lot of money. Not to put down girls who are strippers, but I have more respect for myself than that. I don't need to make money by showing all kinds of men every inch of my flesh and shake my ass for them. I would rather be doing something that utilizes my intelligence and skills. I keep my body for my boyfriend, it's not communal property.

 

My boyfriend is a great guy, and yes, I hope to marry him someday. I just don't see eye-to-eye with him on certain issues, particularly strip clubs and internet porn. I would rather have a man who wasn't consumed with the superficial nature of sex and advertisement. I know all about the slogan "sex sells", but I kept my sexual life in my own bedroom. Princess, as a married woman, I am sure you are more than content with that as well. We seem to be insync on that.

 

My boyfriend cannot be a hypocrite and tell me that strip clubs are a "waste of money" and then turn around and want to go to one of the most expensive clubs in Los Angeles. If I am so "beautiful" as he tells me (I am not bragging here, I am a very modest person), we have a great sex life, why the hell does he need to "fit in" with the crowd and be out all night drinking and letting some naked woman entertain him. Lap dance or not, it's all the same to me. If you are going to go to a strip club and put money down some woman's undies, you might as well let her lap dance you. Strip clubs are simply not a part of my life. My feelings should matter more to him that one night "out". I don't think there is anything wrong with that, personally.

 

I also think that men have a different perspective on these things than woman in general. There are plenty of woman who wouldn't mind their boyfriends/husbands going to these places, but I do. I am entitled to that opinion. What it all boils down to is this: Respect for your mate's feelings is more important that any social gathering. If my boyfriend told me it would hurt him if I went to a club with all my single girlfriends, out of respect for him, I wouldn't go. I also would never make him feel guilty for that. I am too sensitive a person for that.

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Hi Lauren !

 

OK - THats great - You have told us what you actually feel about this.

 

Now I again ask you, why were you prepared to let him go?

 

I will add that a best friend of mine is a female lap dancer. She is very intelligent, and uses the men who come to the club to make herself over 1200 Euros a week for three nights work. Not all the girls who work there are stupid, so don't ever think they are. This girl is also in a relationship, and it works very well.

 

Your reply now puts up a problem in your relationship. Your boyfriend does not see a problem with this - and you do. I would recommend that you deal with this issue now, and don't wait for it to show it's head soon enough in the future. You have basically gotten your boyfriend to stop going out with his friends because of your beliefs, and deep down, he simply doesn't agree with you. If you do not deal with this now, he will throw this at you from time to time, and it may eventually get out of hand.

 

I would like to say that all my advice is as I said to try to help you think your way out of this situation. Your title on this topic asked were you right or wrong to feel how you feel about this. Unfortunately for you, your boyfriend thinks your wrong. You should really think this through, because you will need to understand your view properly in order to talk to yyour boyfriend. Otherwise, your case will not stand up and you may risk loosing him also !

 

Hope this helps you some,

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Hi Charmed,

 

Thanks for your reply. To answer your question, I was only prepared to let him go because I felt guilty. He is a great boyfriend and always gives me everything I need. He treats me respectfully and we are very happy together. I felt that maybe, in fairness, I should give him the option to go or not, and whatever choice he made, so be it...

 

To be truthful, I never wanted him to go and still don't. Even though he isn't going to go, I feel like he may "hold it over my head" in the future. So what do I do about that? It's not the end of the world if he doesn't go.

 

Also, he has been living out here for 9 years and has plenty of friends. We hang out with his friends all the time, when we aren't together. I just think that I became spoiled by being with him 24/7 (when we aren't working out respective jobs). I don't want to ever be the type of girlfriend to tell him he "can't" see his friends, but I will always have an opinion about what they do and where they go.

 

Another thing I should mention because it sort of relates to this: A few days ago (before he mentioned the strip club), I told him my sister (who lives back east) wanted to take me on a cruise, possibly for my birthday. His reply and I quote: "You aren't going on any cruise, not WITHOUT me". I know that a cruise is different from a night out on the town, but the same underlying principle exists. Does he not trust me with my sister? Friends and family are two different things. It's not like I would be hot-tubbing it with some strange guy, you know? I was pissed off that he had that attitude, but I told him that I understood his point, and I am not going to go with my sister.

 

What are your thoughts about that?

 

Also, it's not his responsibility to make friends for me. I am working on that myself, but it will take time. I just wanted him to understand that without him, in a way, I don't have anybody. I miss my family,friends, and co-workers back home. I just wanted some understanding about that. In the future, when I have friends to go out with, without my bf, it's fine if he needs time away from me. Just now it feels weird and lonely.

 

Talk to you soon!

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Hey !

 

Well, it sounds to me like he doesn't trust you ! That simple.

He expects you to trust him at the strip club, but you're right - he won't trust you on the ship. Perhaps he saw too many editions of The Love Boat as a kid !?! lol

 

Being in a relationship, you should be able to do things that you want to do and believe that you should be able to do. If you give up these oppertunities and rights, you are simply denying yourself happiness. This is the wrong way to have a relationship running, and as I said, deep down these differences will eat at the core of the relationship. You should always be happy in your relationships, and shouldn't settle for second best. You are always better than that and should value yourself worthy of complete happiness in any relationship you are involved in - be it this one, or any other one.

 

 

My view on all of this really is - Why should he miss his strip show, and why should you miss your cruise. Niether of you will be happy missing these things, and the same reason that you are missing these events will show it's head again. You need to address this now - so you don't waste any more time in a relationship that you simply can't be yourself in !!!!!!

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Hey,sorry might be a bit late to join in this topic but i thought id have my say anyway.

i TOTALLY agree with lauren and princess.

im sorry but going out on a cruise is SO not the same thing as going to a strip club.does sex not mean anything to some people?in a relationship,the fact is you should be fulfilled enough with your partner to not want to go to these places.you want a lap dance?THEN GET YOUR PARTNER TO GIVE YOU ONE!! you dont need to splash out lots of money (well wasting really) to have some ho give you one instead whilst upsetting your girlfriend in the process.-i see a no win situation! im an attractive girl and dont have any issues with the way i look at all,but the fact is my bf wouldnt even think twice about whether he would go or not coz he has respect.(this is for charmed by the way) and it is RESPECT. how would you feel if your girlfriend had some dude prancing about naked in front of her?you wouldnt feel the least bit threatened?i find that EXTREMELY hard to believe.its only natural that you dont want your partner being tempted by others and if it really wouldnt bother you well then that says alot about how you really feel about your relationship.

and this isnt just my opinion as a female,i know PLENTY of men that would HATE it if there gfs went to a strip club or any of that other stuff.its not a matter of opinion,its a matter of whether some people are such PERVERTS and have such little respect for their partners that they would rather leer over WHAT THEY CANT HAVE instead of working on what THEY CAN.

hey just my two pennies hope no offence caused!!!

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Hello again,

I value everyone's opinion here and I'm sure Lauren does too. Lauren, I think I can speak for all of us when I say that we are all glad that you came here for answers and we hope our differences in opinions don't push you away. I am not trying to "push" my opinion on anyone - this forum is to ask for individual opinions on subjects and that's definitely what you got!

 

Lauren, my personal hope for you is that you maintain your viewpoints on this subject with your boyfriend and proceed with him as only you see fit. Always tell him how you feel, then observe what he does with that information. You are not trying to control him by telling him how you feel. His actions afterward will speak louder than any words, (hence his wanting to go after he claimed they were a waste of money) and then it's your choice whether or not you will allow that in your life. A committed relationship is a plethora of compromises, and I think this is one of those times where it's his turn to show you where his heart really is. If your boyfriend really cares for your feelings, he won't make you feel guilty about it. And if he keeps throwing it in your face then tell him to go ahead and graze on over to that greener grass. You have a LOT of other women in this world who totally agree with you so don't feel singled out. I feel that people who don't care if their partner goes to places like that haven't met "the one" yet, and aren't ready for a commitment. They'll know it when true love grabs them by the heart and everything changes about how they feel about someone. It will just be natural then.

Peace to all.

Princess777

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Hi Buffalosoldier & Princess777,

 

Thank you both very much for helping me out with my situation. I loved hearing back from you both and couldn't agree with you more. Just so you know, I am not going to change my mind about my bf going to any strip club, ever. I will always be against it, for the simple fact that it's not a part of my life. If some man wants to be with me in a monogomous relationship, then he doesn't need to act like some immature single guy who needs to stare at naked women to get his rocks off. Most men who are happy at home with their girlfriends/wives, don't need to look elsewhere.It's pathetic if you really think about it.

 

I will never settle and get my feelings hurt for any man. In a relationship, mutual respect for the other's feelings takes precedence over everything else. I am sure you would agree with that as well.

 

Thanks again and good luck to you both!

 

 

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Hi Again Lauren,

 

I would like to say that I want you to forget about strip clubs for a minute, and concentrate on the underlying issue here. I agree with you that you should not have a boyfriend that wants to go to strip clubs.

 

 

I will never settle and get my feelings hurt for any man. In a relationship, mutual respect for the other's feelings takes precedence over everything else.

 

You are 100% right here. I expect that in your relationship, your boyfriend also has the same rights.

 

Both you and your boyfriend are willing to miss out on something that you actually want to do, because the other person doesn't agree with it. This changes and limits the person you are. You should be able to go on your cruise with you sister, without any objections from your boyfriend.

 

You may say that you are happy to sacrifice things for each other, but deep down, you are willing to change the person you are and your beliefs just to suit someone else, and that takes away your individuallity.

 

In six months time, when you have perhaps missed your cruise, and he his outing, you will both probably feel deep down that you shouldn't have missed your various event. And that is where your real problem lies.

 

We should not change the person we are to suit someone else like this, and our partners should not expect us to. Essentially, I consider it settling for second best because it's there at the moment.

 

This sacrificing will show itself up in all different situations - be it a friends birthday or a work outing. Wherever it shows up, the solution should not be to miss the event that you want to go to. That is being unfair to yourself, and if you can't see a good reason that you should miss these things, you will start to resent your partner for having to miss out on these things.

 

I believe that you should be going on a cruise with your sister in the near future. Under the circumstances, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't - it would be a great time for you. If you do go, I suspect that you will have some heated moments with your partner over the holiday? Am I right?

 

If I am, you know what I'm talking about - and that is what my entire point is all about.

 

I hope I'm not offending you with this - I'm just trying to genuinely help

 

~

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i trust my boyfriend 100 percent, he says he has no reason to go to a strip club... but i kinda think he wants to ... i just dont want him around a nude girl full of horney guys i mean... what the heck... he has me...

 

i just get jealous when hsi friends bring it up because i am very insecure and i have a lot of problems in my life... i just wish i could feel better about myself... guys look at me all the time... why cant i accept that i am pretty and that my boyfriend only wants me/

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