Ever had a Rebound Relationship...

[NiceGuy76]

Then realized after things were over that you actually loved them more than anything in the world but just did not realize it at the time you were together?

 

I think this is my situation...I know that saying you do not know what you got until it is gone...

 

Well, I did not know what I had until it was gone. She was not the most amazing woman, but after 7 months, 6 months no contact (3 months since last email message exchanged).

 

I got involved with her a few days after my 6 year relationship ended, so I had NO TIME to heal properly and she (recent ex) never understood that I needed sometime and patience. According to her, she just got out of a 1.5 year relationship and was over it, so she thought I should be too. Well, during the 7 months we were together, I was pretty cold and distant after the first 3 months....the last 4 months were tough. She wanted to be with me everywhere I went, every chance I had to get away I would find myself thinking about my 6 year relationship, trying to heal whenever I got the chance to do so. I look back now and wish I would have met her at a different time, when my mind/heart was clearer. Now...she is gone forever...last I heard is she got married and is pregnant....all that within months after we broke things off. Even after 7 months...it tears my heart apart knowing that things could have been different if I was not suffering from a broken heart and depression while we were together.

 

I am fine most days now...but I still have the occasional dream about her in my arms...her wonderful smile...and beautiful personality. Almost every single love song I hear reminds me of her. I just wish I could feel nothing...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Count yourself LUCKY. I think you are romanticizing a relationship that was forced on both sides. I think you are just wistful because you are alone and she has moved on. You know what...she is incredibly unstable and is in love with the notion of being in love. She just wants a relationship period and anybody would do...that is why no sooner does one end that she throws herself into another one. She didn't love you anymore than she loved her ex before you and anymore than she loves her now husband. Love takes time to grow and she just wants a man in her life. I predict this marriage will implode and then she will be scrambling to find the next one within days. You are so much better without her and I really do think you are just missing a relationship and not really her.

[NiceGuy76]

Count yourself LUCKY. I think you are romanticizing a relationship that was forced on both sides. I think you are just wistful because you are alone and she has moved on. You know what...she is incredibly unstable and is in love with the notion of being in love. She just wants a relationship period and anybody would do...that is why no sooner does one end that she throws herself into another one. She didn't love you anymore than she loved her ex before you and anymore than she loves her now husband. Love takes time to grow and she just wants a man in her life. I predict this marriage will implode and then she will be scrambling to find the next one within days. You are so much better without her and I really do think you are just missing a relationship and not really her.

 

Do you think that is why she gave up so easily on our relationship when things got "REAL" and we were over the honeymoon period? She told me this guy she supposedly married and is pregnant by - he was what she has been searching for her whole life. BUT, she also said that about me...to some of her friends...that is what THEY told me anyways. Why are some people like that? I am not missing a relationship...I seriously love her with every inch of my heart, mind and soul...that is what SUCKS! Last email I got from her she was calling me psycho and that she did not care or give a F*ck about me or her unpleasant experience with me. She told me that she loved me within the first month...I never told her I loved her until we broke up....as I was keeping my emotions bottled up until the very end.

[HappyAsALark]

Hi Niceguy!

First of all, from what you have said here, I think you are kind of better off. She seems to get over relationships very quickly, which some people are like that, but most of us aren't. I know it is hard right now, but just keep pulling through. I think it is pretty clear you will not be getting her back anytime soon if she is in fact married and pregnant. Eventually you will find someone suited for you.

[NiceGuy76]

Hi Niceguy!

First of all, from what you have said here, I think you are kind of better off. She seems to get over relationships very quickly, which some people are like that, but most of us aren't. I know it is hard right now, but just keep pulling through. I think it is pretty clear you will not be getting her back anytime soon if she is in fact married and pregnant. Eventually you will find someone suited for you.

 

That is the part that hurt the most, thinking that she never even loved me and it was all just a lie. I wonder if she ever thinks about me? I would like to know that I cross her mind once in a while...but I will never know. How could she be so cruel to me after shattering my heart and she KNOWS that she shattered me. Do you think that her angry email saying all that crap was because she does feel guilt and is trying to cover it up with anger towards me? If she did have no feelings for me whatsoever...then I would think there would be no need for her to show anger. Right?

[HappyAsALark]

That is the part that hurt the most, thinking that she never even loved me and it was all just a lie. I wonder if she ever thinks about me? I would like to know that I cross her mind once in a while...but I will never know. How could she be so cruel to me after shattering my heart and she KNOWS that she shattered me. Do you think that her angry email saying all that crap was because she does feel guilt and is trying to cover it up with anger towards me? If she did have no feelings for me whatsoever...then I would think there would be no need for her to show anger. Right?

 

Stop grasping for straws hun. The fact of the matter is, it is irrelevant if she loved/loves/or did not love you at all. The relationship is over and she has clearly moved on. I am sure she thinks about you at some points in her life, but again, does it really matter?? It is time to move on.

[reasonablegirl]

I think she sent you a hurtful email to hurt you - period.

 

Your description of your seven months with this woman does not sound like it was a very good or loving relationship. Why do you now think you are in love with her? It doesn't sound like there was anything but coldness on your part for the first 3 months and then unwanted clingyness from her for the last 4.

 

Are you sure you are in love with her are you in love with your idea of what life might have been like if you had been able to make things work out with her? Those are two different things.

 

If you are really in love with her, your feelings of love are based on reality and the REAL experiences you had with her. You basically said your real relationship wasn't all that great so I'm sure how you can say you are in love with this woman.

 

If you are in love with what you imagine your life with her might be like, then you are in love with something that has not happened which means your imagination can create whatever wonderful scenario it wants - but it is not reality.

 

Carefully explore your thoughts about this woman when you tell yourself you love her.

 

Are you imagining her following you around and being clingy? Do you having feelings of love and fondness when you think of that type of behavior by her?

 

Or are you imagining what it would be like if she were with you at the moment doing something with you? When she was really with you, you didn't want her around because she was a pain in the rear - what makes you think it would be different now?

 

Or are you imagining how great it would be to plan a romantic vacation with her? When you were really with her it wasn't so great, what makes you think a romantic relationship would be anything but torture?

 

If you are imagining what it would be like if she were with you right now or what a future event with her might be like, you are making up a world that does not and has not ever existed. Try thinking about the REAL things that happened in your relationship. Was it really that good? Were you really in love with the reality?

[NiceGuy76]

Stop grasping for straws hun. The fact of the matter is, it is irrelevant if she loved/loves/or did not love you at all. The relationship is over and she has clearly moved on. I am sure she thinks about you at some points in her life, but again, does it really matter?? It is time to move on.

 

I thought I could let go...but here I am 7 months later and I still love her and want her back in my life. I never thought after 7 months I would still feel this way...

 

I have dated some attractive women and some fun women...no to say everyone of them wanted a relationship with me, but some of them did and I just could not do it. Ok, I have been on probably a good 15+ dates, had about 6 of those sexually...the thing is I felt nothing...sometimes I even had a hard time staying aroused with them. I broke things off with all of them...I am just in love with my ex and I DO NOT think I will EVER get over it. I feel helpless...and I cannot figure out why I cannot move on.

[HappyAsALark]

I thought I could let go...but here I am 7 months later and I still love her and want her back in my life. I never thought after 7 months I would still feel this way...

 

I have dated some attractive women and some fun women...no to say everyone of them wanted a relationship with me, but some of them did and I just could not do it. Ok, I have been on probably a good 15+ dates, had about 6 of those sexually...the thing is I felt nothing...sometimes I even had a hard time staying aroused with them. I broke things off with all of them...I am just in love with my ex and I DO NOT think I will EVER get over it. I feel helpless...and I cannot figure out why I cannot move on.

 

Because you seem to not want to move one to be honest.

 

Like the last poster said, what makes you all of a sudden be in love with her??

[NiceGuy76]

The first 3 months I was not distant or cold...everything between us was AMAZING! Everything did seem TOO good to be true...and we talked about it all the time. The last 4 months is when I started to get distant, I was bottling up inside of me the hurt from not being able to heal from the 6year LTR before I met her. I knew I was not ready for anything when I met her, but she was EVERYTHING I imagined my future wife to be. She was FUN, Energetic, Free Spirited (might have been the problem), She had great misc talents and was VERY creative! Her smile melted my heart, the way her eyes lit up everytime we were together was something I cannot put into words. All I wanted was a second chance...and I was willing to give her one too.

[HappyAsALark]

The first 3 months I was not distant or cold...everything between us was AMAZING! Everything did seem TOO good to be true...and we talked about it all the time. The last 4 months is when I started to get distant, I was bottling up inside of me the hurt from not being able to heal from the 6year LTR before I met her. I knew I was not ready for anything when I met her, but she was EVERYTHING I imagined my future wife to be. She was FUN, Energetic, Free Spirited (might have been the problem), She had great misc talents and was VERY creative! Her smile melted my heart, the way her eyes lit up everytime we were together was something I cannot put into words. All I wanted was a second chance...and I was willing to give her one too.

 

But she is married and pregnant!!!! You have to get over this and move on with your life!

[NiceGuy76]

That is what I am trying to figure out...I wish I could have felt it when we were together and things were great between us. I think since I did not have proper time to heal before I got involved with her, my emotions, everything about me was unhealthy. The last 4 months we were together and I distanced myself, that was helping me recover and heal from my previous relationship, and I really needed that space. Well, I got it, but I also lost her in the process...I wish I would had met her now...instead of when I did. I do not blame her for anything but maybe I should?

[reasonablegirl]

Well, then it sounds like you are currently mourning two lost relationships - your first and your second. I think, considering your emotional instability that you are mistaking infatuation, lonliness or insecurity for love and that you do not really love your ex - you think you do because you cannot have her.

 

Reality still says that for the last 4 months of your last relationship, you were not into it. And now, when it is gone, you can't get over it. That is not love, that is you trying to cope with grief and dispair.

 

Maybe you should be focusing on making yourself happy as a single person rather than trying to find another person through dating since you have acknowledged that dating is not working for you. I fear that if you get involved with someone else and break up, you will be trying to get over three past relationships at the same time.

[NiceGuy76]

Should I also add that we were living together that WHOLE 7months? She moved in with me...almost right away.

 

During the last few weeks she was living in the spare room...going out all the time and I did not care. She did what she wanted, I just sat at home in depression not wanting to do anything. Well, she was hanging out with a guy and they slept together a few times while she was living with me. I was taking care of her Dog, while she was out bangin another guy. I was paying all the bills, while she was out doing this guy. I did not know it at the time it was happening...after a gut feeling...I asked her if she was seeing someone...she said NO and got really defensive. Well, before she moved out she told me...after I poured my heart out to her regarding my feelings. This is not even the same guy she is supposedly married to....the guy she slept with while living with me ended up just wanting her for sex and nothing else. I tried to get her back after that...it seemed to work...then I had to leave town for my grandfathers funeral...we talked on the phone for the whole week I was gone. When I get back in town...she tells me she had met someone and wanted to see how it develops. I guess it developed....

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Okay, after learning a bit more, it is clear that BOTH of you do not really know the meaning of love. You moved in with her within DAYS or weeks of your long-term relationship ending and were blissfully in love with the new one. Both of you have been rebounding. Your whole relationship was rebound on your side and on her side. Then she instantly rebounds into marriage with someone else. Boy does she move fast. She changes men like underwear. I really don't believe what you are feeling is love...I think you are once again mourning the loss of two failed relationships and everything has just caught up to you. I doubt if this is really about her...this is about you and your inner turmoil...which the first time around you ignored by jumping into a relationship with her and getting lost in the infatuation stage. Now there is no place to hide from your emotions and you are dealing with the fallout of not having properly dealt with things the first time around. Your ex is not at the point you are at...she is still hiding from her emotions. Wait until the reality hits and she is taking care of a baby and things get mundane. There is only so long that a person can escape from themselves and then it catches up on them.

[reasonablegirl]

Add to the lost relationships that your grandfather died?? Niceguy, you are totally dealing with so much grief and loss in your life right now that you need to focus on getting past all of that. This woman did not care about your emotional needs and treated you like garbage when you were down. Is that really love? Is that really a person that you want to be in love with?

 

It takes time to get over the loss of a relationship and the loss of a family member. Don't mistake your grief and feelings of loss for love of a woman who treated you like crap after you tried to do a lot for her and at a time when you needed her most.

 

Keep remembering the bad things she did to you, it will help you to face the reality of the situation and get over her. If you start thinking that you love her, remind yourself that she cheated on you, that she used you pay all her bills while she was out banging someone else, that when you were mourning your grandfather's death, she was happily in someone else's bed all while messing with your head. She sounds like an ungrateful b***h and you deserve a hell of a lot better.

[NiceGuy76]

This is what I tried explaining to her in my last email, before she sent me that nasty message. I told her that I was worried about her well being, especially since she moved so fast into it all. I am dealing with it all now, and IT WILL hit her someday and when it does she is going to be miserable just as I am and was at the moment I expressed my concern. I do not wish her to go thru any of the pain I have endured this past 6-7 months, because NOBODY deserves that much pain. I guess I just wanted to SAVE her from making that mistake...but its too late and I tried everything I could to convey ALL my FEELINGS about her. She ran...never looking back...got involved with someone to "kill" the pain...but when their "honeymoon" period is over...I wonder if she will see what I was trying to tell her. It really is not about me anymore...although I would take her back in a second (call me stupid)...this is about her future and I feel as though she has gotten herself into something she will regret when the time comes.

[HappyAsALark]

Well that is her mistake to make. And it may be a huge mistake for her, and they may be married until they are buried. Either way, I believe she has pretty much made it clear she does not want you in her life.

[NiceGuy76]

Everyone that has known me...has ALWAYS thought of me as a "rock". I could always control my feelings and emotions...but this was too much for me to handle and I lost control. I cried for a solid 2-3 months every single day...almost losing my job in the process. I cried in front of family members that have never seen that from me EVER. My financial situation between both girls got WAY out of control as well. I am broken hearted, unmotivated, have 12K in credit card debt, have tried doing everything under the sun to have a good time and have fun. When I do go out drinking I end up getting way too messed up and at some points blacking out. I lost 20 pounds in those 2-3 months....not eating or sleeping. I am now at least eating and sleeping well...but I still am crushed over it all.

[NiceGuy76]

I appreciate all the replies...you people are very kind. Keep them coming because this is helping me feel better. I just feel like this is going to last for the rest of my life...heartbroken and depressed. I should be over it all by now and I cannot figure out why.

 

At least two of the women I dated were very attractive, intelligent, had good things going for them (more than the girl I am heartbroken over)...I know I am not in the right state of mind right now and did not want to lead them on so I broke things off each time. I just wish I could figure out why I cannot just let go...no matter what I do....my heart feels the same.

[NiceGuy76]

Every single time I hear this song...my eyes get really watery and the tears start to roll down my face...and I still find myself never turning it off when I hear it.

 

 

 

This time, This place

Misused, Mistakes

Too long, Too late

Who was I to make you wait

Just one chance

Just one breath

Just in case there's just one left

'Cause you know,

you know, you know

 

[CHORUS]

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I miss you

Been far away for far too long

I keep dreaming you'll be with me

and you'll never go

Stop breathing if

I don't see you anymore

 

One my knees, I'll ask

Last chance for one last dance

'Cause with you, I'd withstand

All of hell to hold your hand

I'd give it all

I'd give for us

Give anything but I won't give up

'Cause you know,

you know, you know

 

[CHORUS]

 

So far away

Been far away for far too long

So far away

Been far away for far too long

But you know, you know, you know

 

I wanted

I wanted you to stay

'Cause I needed

I need to hear you say

That I love you

I have loved you all along

And I forgive you

For being away for far too long

So keep breathing

'Cause I'm not leaving

Hold on to me and, never let me go

[Crazyaboutdogs]

At some point in everyone's life, things just get too much and we break down. That is normal and there is no set time period for you to feel better...but one day you will. One day this will all be a memory where you wil say...Yeah, I remember those dark days. You can't save your ex from herself. She will wake up one day and be a total mess...but you know what...when that happens, maybe she will learn some valuable lessons. As difficult as it may be for you to see right now, you are in a growth process. All this pain you are feeling is allowing you to grow and learn. At the end of your last long-term relationship you immediately jumped into the next one. Look how much you have learned about yourself and what is prudent...this time around you are not jumping so quickly and recognize you need time to sort yourself out. This has nothing to do with love of your ex. I think as time goes on you will recognize that it is not the love of your ex which is making you feel like this...it is the pain of growth and self-assessment. I also think you are not so much in love with your ex as realizing that she took you for a ride and that is the painful part. She was not there for you in your time of distress. She is a very selfish and self-absorbed woman. Allow yourself to feel the pain...and then use that pain to learn and grow.

[NiceGuy76]

Thanks for the encouragement...this process has also been tough because I live in the same condo that both these relationships took place in. The relationship "ghosts" are everywhere in there. I have gotten a roommate to try to help....and it has helped...but the memories are still there and I go home to them every single day.

[jennyp]

dont worry it will be hard now but you seem like a really nice and caring person. Remember it is better to have loved to not have. You only live once and life is too short to be unhappy... there are many and many of women out there so try not to focus on the past and live in the future. It may seem like I have some good advice, but it is tough to follow.

[reasonablegirl]

Are you by any chance still in contact with your ex in some direct or indirect way? Stalking her myspace or something like that? Do you still have 'stuff' in your place that reminds you of her? Have you deleted her phone number and email addresses from your accounts? Do you drive by her place? It sounds like you might be doing something like this based on the responses you are giving.

 

You also need to take that woman off the ridiculous pedestal you have put her on. She used you, she cheated on you and she did not love you. Stop letting someone like that own you.

 

And stop dedicating sappy love songs to her - she was banging someone else while you were at your grandfather's funeral!!!!! You watched her d**n dog so she could sleep with some other guy. She saw you in a state of depression and shrugged her shoulders and walked away and slept with someone else instead of being there for you. If she had been going through grief for the loss of someone, would you have run out and slept with someone else or would you have comforted her and been there for her? Don't waste your energy on someone who doesn't have the same respect and courtesy for you.