The NC question.

[CP4Life]

As for me, I'm doing the NC right now so it will be different for her not hearing from me.

 

My question is for the people that experience this or have some good knowledge about it is...

 

If she doesn't hear from me in awhile and doesn't know why. So she doesn't call me, text me, or any kind of contact for awhile then what does that tell me? Does that mean she is happy that I'm giving her space and letting her be so when shes ready, we get to talk again? Or does she think I don't want to talk to her no more so she wants to move on cause she thinks I'm not interested anymore? Or something else that some of you might know?

 

I just started the no NC last thursday and the next time I was going to call her was on her birthday July 24th unless she calls me before that. Is that too long from now or call her sooner?

 

Thanks for the help and advice.

[Rochelle]

Yes, she is happy you are giving her space....she needs it badly....its not personal, but a matter of guilt....she doesn't want to be reminded of the damage she's done. By giving her her space you are giving her a gift and in return it will be a gift for you....

 

She's prob. not contacting you for the above reasons as well....however, don't think she is not thinking of you...when you become a mystery, when you are not constantly waiting in the wings, they wonder even more.

 

A woman, or girl, won't think you've moved on or don't care about them unless you call them or make a point to tell them you've move on OR you've gotten w/ someone else and want them to know this. That is a clear signal to us that you've moved on (atleast, it's what we believe, well most women believe). It doesn't necessarily automatically mean she'll just move on....like "oh well, i guess cause he's not calling more or anything it must mean he's moved on and so should I...." She may wonder if you have and may cross her mind, but not in the way you think....it's more of a "has he moved on?"

 

It does show as a strength when someone leaves us alone, if we do the breaking up. To know you are not there for our every need...it does help in a way to make us look at you in a different light....one w/ more respect and integrity.

 

I'm sure if you can keep this up, she'll either break adn contact you first, and it will probably be over something she's thought up to ask you in order to seem like she's not calling to check on you....and then ask how you are, etc and try to possibly engage you in conversation to get a feel for if you've moved on, if yo're seeing someone....curiosity....but don't be over eager or start talking immed. about the relationship or reveal you've been a basket case....she'll lose her respect for you....for what her imagination has congered up in the days you've not talked....just keep it light and fairly short...you've been busy (DON"T say you're seeing someone, this will backfire!!! You men always think if you say this it will make her want you more....this is WRONG)...just tell her you've been busy, be kind of vague....ask how she's is out of respect for her asking how you are and then, "well, i gotta go....good talking to you though...take care".

 

If she doesn't contact you, or even if she does...still NC on your part first....just go see her on her birthday....all this will give her plenty of time to have reflected and by the time she sees you you'll be a sight for sore eyes....even if she doesn't throw herself into your arms, she'll respect you atleast...and don't go looking like a whipped puppy dog....have some integrity...look sharp....look happy. Good luck.

 

Rochelle

[Coyote9]

Both women have made some good points here, but I believe that if she dumped you and wants space, move on, she had her chance. Assume she's moving on as best she can. My experience with my ex was, she would break up with me, I would honor that and do NC, and then in a few weeks I'd hear from her again...lather, rinse, repeat. She didn't really "move on" until she found someone to move to...that's my sense for many who ask for space, I think it's more like "I want space from you so I can see what my other options are."

 

I deeply regret taking my ex back 4 times in 6 months. I would also add that if she's young , she may in fact not know what she really wants. Be strong and know that you did you best, gave her your best and it's her loss. In 6 months, if she comes back and has resolved her "space issues" you can certainly listen to her, but I wouldn't wait for it. I was as guilty as anyone here for continuing to read between the lines and have hope for a relationship that was not meant to be.

 

Imagine what it would be like to be with someone who was motivated and wanted you and didn't need to find herself or ask for space? Women hate clinging men...move on and be a mystery to her.

[CP4Life]

Thank you so much, it gave me a lot more knowledge then I knew about NC. And when I do see her, I will be happy and be myself, the person who she loves.

 

For the NC, I'm doing it for two reasons. To heal myself from the break up. My pain has go down a little which I like.

 

I'm also doing the NC because I made a mistake when we were getting close again. She was calling me a lot and I thought we were getting close enough again to talk about the relationship(I wish I had more knowledge to know that was the wrong idea) and when I did, I shed some tears because this is my first heart broken and she didn't like seeing me like this. Well it was scaring her a little and pushed her away a little but she did understand a little on why I reacted that way. So I'm doing the NC to give her space and time to think.

 

But I don't want her to think I'll be like this all the time after we broke up, I want her to know I can be happy and myself having fun. If she can see that on her birthday, it won't push her away. She does need to know that because I have learned a lot in the last couple days and know that is not how I should handle it.

 

So for the NC, its for me to heal and for her space. I guess I'm also doing it to see if she misses me a little more after awhile.

 

But when I talk to her, its never going to be about the relationship again unless she brings it up and I will never ever tell her I'm moving on because I already thought that would ruin my chances with her. I just want to show her I can heal from this and be happy. Also show her the person who she fell in love with and having fun which she likes.

 

Thank you guys so much and keep the help coming because you are giving me a lot of knowledge of what to do for my situation. I'm sure with your guys help, it should work out fine. At least I hope...

[CP4Life]

I agree and I hate that. She is young and doesn't know what she wants. I was her first love, lost her virginity to me, and I was her first everything and best b/f. So I assume she wants to see if theres better and maybe later, she'll realize she made a mistake. As much as I want her and would love to wait for her to come back, I don't think I can do that nor wait forever. But I am in no rush to find someone else and start dating, I don't need that right now.

 

Theres only two positive things coming up for me. Her birthday and the way we met. I coached little girl soccer team and her little sister was on the team and thats how we met. She likes to play soccer and was attractive to me. Thats how we met and I'm doing it again this year where her sister is on the team so that might bring some old memories to her mind.

 

Well I do hope things ok with us, I think if we can get closer again and I don't blow it again...things might be fine.

 

Thanks though, I do love this help.

[CP4Life]

Hey CP4Life,

 

I am glad to hear that you're already reaping from the benefits of NC.

It is definitely an emotional roller coaster ride, for sure! So some days may turn out to be more difficult than others. BUT please know we're always here to support you.

 

Good luck and take care!

 

Thanks, there are days that are very diffucult for me. Days that I just go out to drive for no reason just to put my mind on the road and music. I use to drive by her house to see if she was outside but I stopped that because that is a bad idea but that was right when we broke up.

 

I love the support you guys give me because this is my first pain, I need more knowledge. I'm always learning from my mistakes now and will help me bigtime in the future, I just wish I already learned this mistakes before her cause I'm positive we would be dating right now.

[CP4Life]

Hey Sorry for the multiple posts but I did want to make this one final point.

 

In my humble opinion, thinking as above is a bit ... dangerous (?) bc it can lead to wishful thinking about ... "when she comes to her senses, maybe she'll come back to me."

 

I sometimes wonder .... maybe the exes know EXACTLY what they want or don't want, for that matter ... And through their actions, I think it is fair to conclude that what they do not want is to continue the relationship.

 

I do understand the urge to keep hope alive; doing so helped me in the initial stages BUT as time went on, this "hope" became, more or less, a hindrance to my healing.

 

Just food for thought.

 

Sending best wishes your way.

Ellie

 

The thing that gets to me the most and is why I have much hope is this:

 

After the break up...she has told me, my friend, her family, and my family we will most likely be back together. Shes trying to see if her feelings are still the same for me and after my birthday, she said she misses us more.

 

What else bugs me is that her family loves me a lot that they think we are going back out. We told our family we went back out(we did but next day broke up because she wasn't ready yet) and they still think we are. I'm invited to her family party for her birthday.

 

The only thing I can do is let time and memories do there job. I'm not sure what else to do because I'm not ready to move on yet nor date again.

 

Well thanks for the help guys, keep it coming.

[CP4Life]

Without her hearing me, I just hope she really does think of me...once or twice a day. That would really make me feel better. I was her best b/f, first love, first everything b/f and we had no problems in our relationship. All good, she let someone else ruin our relationship.

 

When shes alone and bored, hope her mind drifts over to me. Because when we think of us, its all good, a great relationship with harely any negative things.

 

I hope this NC works out for the best. I need to be busy again so my mind can drift off somewhere else.

[meaculpa]

CP4Life, I wish you all the best. Though I don't know you, I've been there. Coyote9 had it right, its best for you to cut yourself off from her as best you can. The memories will be bitter/sweet for months to come. That is fine. Eventually, given time, what happened between you two will enrich your life & the next relationship can be deeper & more powerful for it.

When my gf broke up with me, she tried to keep in contact. I kept any conversation very short & always broke it off asap. But I still kept thinking we'd get back together & her affectionate conversations with me later on led me from possibility to certainty that we would get back together. But when I brought up this 'certainty' she replied that we would never, ever, be together again. In her mind, I should have understood her displays of affection as friendship.

So I got dumped 2x, except the 2nd time I did it to myself.

Look, I don't know you or your ex, I know, but it'd be better for you to resolve that its over. Even if she changes her mind, it may not be worth it for you. I am sure that had my ex taken me back, we would have fell apart again.

And what if you are meant to be together? Well, that will take time and not a same amount of risk.

I wouldn't go to that birthday party. Big mistake. Big, big mistake. Just plan on something really fun for you that evening. But stay away.

Good luck.

[CP4Life]

Well like I said before, our family thinks we are dating again and I'm really close to her family. She has told we would go back out and she just has to think about it and see if she still has the same feelings. She is giving me big hopes and thats why I wait, I would just love a solid answer but she can't give that to me.

 

On her birthday, I have to go since she came to mine on and we had sex. Made her miss us more. But her family party includes celebrating her birthday and her grandma's birthday and I'm close to her to, she really likes me and they think we are dating. I honestly don't think it will be a mistake to go because we are not going to dicuss the relationship but be there as friends but be there as a couple in the family's eyes.

 

I know no matter what happens but in the future, I'll be stronger with more knowledge. This is very hard no doubt but I think I can handle it till her birthday. The reason why I think were not over because everyone including her knows the reason we broke up wasn't a good reason and there should be another chance for the both of us. She and our family has said that. Thats where I get my hopes. I'm in no rush for another relationship with someone else, that can wait.

 

But thank you a lot, its very hard to make the right choice. Just hope I'm her mind quite often...I should since I'm her first everything.

 

This is hard but I really like the help you guys give me, thanks!

[CP4Life]

I just hope the NC doesn't backfire on me. I want it to make me stronger for anything that happens in the future. Then I don't want it to go ruin with my relationship. Don't want her to think I'm moving on or thinks I'm done talking to her because this is new for her not hearing me from me anymore. If she never calls me, yeah that will make me really worried but its making me a lot stronger. I always have hope, faith, and trust God. Hes giving me the opportunities to be stronger and finding a way to make my relationship better. Its time and patience I can't stand but I'll do it, its worth it. I'm just a impatience kind of person but shes worth the wait.

 

I just want this to make me stronger, help our relationship, but don't want it to push her away from me.

 

Thanks for any advice you give me...

[CP4Life]

Its been 7 days from the last time I talked to her. As much as its making me stronger, I hope its helping our relationship and her thinking about us. Making her wonder more about me...