i can't live anymore

[saku]

when i post, someone usually says something like "it's up to you" or soemthing like that. and you know they're probably right. but what do you do if you are doing everything like say...not trying to kill yourself and it doesn't matter? then what? let me say this: God made me by accident. and for that, i hate him. i didn't ask to be bornnor did i ask for such a worthless life at that. see...i did my part this morning. i got up, walked 2 miles to school and i tried to talk to the girl that i like. let me just explain as someone with no reason to live, i have a hard time opening up to people in person or over the phone. this girl i've been talking to since april has a boyfriend. yeah i know..."you shouldn't try go after her" well you know what...it's too late to just turn off my feelings like i'm soemkind of robot! once again, all i asked from God was to make this go right. not please make her my wife or please make her fall madly in love with me...just help me get through my worry and pain of past heartache. but did he care? or course not. that's cause he was busy helping out other people like jerks who pick on other kids in school but all the good things happen to them. or those thugs like tupac who everyone treats like he was jesus, which for all i know he probably was. he doesn't have time for a piece of crap like me. but once again i didn't ask to be born, so it's his mess not mine. i try REALLY hard everyday so it's not like i'm complaining for nothing. it's not just the girl, it's me as a human in this world of billions. if i died no one will care and that really hurts. i cried today because i'm slowly realizing this may be the end. and if i don't kill myself, i'm gonna get far away from mainstream society since i don't belong anywhere around it.

 

yet even though i hate God for never being there when i truly need him, i can't stop believing in him. i want to because he doesn't care, but i can't. i'm scared and hopeless... and by the way, i'm talking to a therapists and i take meds, so that's not the problem. the problem is no matter what i do, it's all in vain. and in two weeks, it may all come to an end. to those who can understand (all two of you probably) thanks... but to those who think this is soemkind of joke or my problems are no big deal...then you've proven my point.

[faeriechyld]

Hello there,

 

Let me start by saying...two years ago, I could have written this post. I was exactly where you are now. Angry at God, my parents, everyone who had a hand in bringing me into this life. I wanted to die as well, I couldn't imagine my life ever getting better. Ever since I can remember, I had a lot of issues and a lot of pain. I got rejected by 4 guys in one day when I was younger, let me tell you, that was a low point. I felt completely lost, I went to a therapist my senior year of high school and she didn't really help me. I went to college and pretty much failed out the second semester, there I saw a more helpful therapist, but I had to leave too soon.

 

I, too, felt that no one could care. By this point, my love life had taken an interesting turn. While I had the interest of a few guys at this point, I was fickle with all the attention and ended up hurting a lot of people and myself because of it. This just proved to sink me deeper into depression, my parents were starting the divorce process by this point, and mom had a new boyfriend who I couldn't stand.

 

That was my first rock bottom hit. I started to realize that I was too worried about how other people felt about me, if other people cared about me. I was striving to get all the attention I could, and it was making me feel worse. So, I started doing what I should have done long ago. I gave the attention I needed. Instead of spending all my time looking to other people, I sat down and spent time with myself. I cried a lot, I thought a lot, I wrote a lot of my feelings down. It was hard.

 

After all this thinking and crying, I decided I was tired of living my life to other people's standards and I felt I needed to make a stand to show the changes I had made, since no one I knew seemed to see them. I left one night, not saying a word to anyone, and went to Georgia, to live with my boyfriend. I lived there for 3 or 4 months until I hit rock bottom again. My mom died, I lost my job, my boyfriend, me freedom, and then my grandfather died right after as well.

 

But this time, I picked myself up and said "I'm not going to wait for someone else to make my life better, I'm going to make it better." And now, I'm in a great relationship, I have an even better job than before, and I'm moving up. Sure, I hit low times, last week was one of them, but I made it this far, I'm not backing down.

 

Now, you're probably wondering why I am telling you all of this? Because I want you to see someone who was exactly where you are now. Life sucks, but the thing is, you have to learn to beat it at its own game. The ways you are trying, they are good, but why don't you try a new spin? Stop looking for love in all the wrong places, and look for it in yourself. If you don't like something about yourself, change it. Figure out what it is, and fix it. It's not easy, and it takes time. I'm still working on the things I discovered I didn't like about myself, and it's taken me a lifetime. People aren't going to give you the attention you crave, you have to give it to yourself.

 

As for suicide, don't consider it. I used to hate it when people said "that's just a permanent way out of a temporary problem." It angered me to no end, until I sat back and realized, they are right. 5 years ago, I thought I would never live to see my 20th birthday. Guess what? It's next month. I've been where you are, and I'm still working on my depression, but I am a much stronger person. If you give up now, you'll be letting all those people who you think don't care about you, win. Don't do that, don't give up on yourself. Even when the world gives up on you, you can't give up on yourself.

 

I hope this gave you some insight, and there are a lot more people out there who have been where you are then just two. If you feel the need, I ask you to please PM me. I am here for you.

[alboy]

People care. People don't want you to die. But you shouldn't expect grand memorials like Tupac. Don't think about so much whether anybody cares about you. People do, believe it, and stop thinking and trying to find ways to prove it wrong.

So what is the reason to live? You're asking the meaning of life which is something people have pondered for years. Family? Love? Fortune?

I won't tell you what to live for but take a deep breath and hear the words "Just Live". Good things happen, bad things happen, things aren't fair. But all you need to do is "Just live".

[charmed]

Hi Saku,

 

Thanks for sharing your feelings with us. I understand that you are feeling down and worthless at the moment.

 

Firstly, I would like to discuss God with you. I respect your belief in God, and I myself am a non practicing catholic. You say many times that you have asked God for things. What you should have learnt by now, is that unfortunately God does not make things happen at all when you ask him. Unfortunately, on this earth, we need to make these things happen for ourselves, and that is as simple as it is. So regarding your requests to god, perhaps you should ask God to give you the strength to perform the things you ask him to do, instead of asking him to maybe plonk your future wife right infront of you so you don't have to do the hunting to find her from the "billions" !! Take control of your situation, and let God help you.

 

Congratulations on going up to the girl - really. Please look at the situation and learn one thing from it - be it the way you spoke, your body language, whatever, just learn something from it. You alread know that you shouldn't have been expecting a result from asking her since she is already with someone, so perhaps set your hopes on a challenge that is attainable !! You made it pretty hard for yourself this time - but at least you did it.

 

You seem to have quite low self esteem, and in general, your outlook on life is quite bleek. If you are already seeing a therapist, I suggest that you try to control the road that the therapist is going down with you. You want to develop your person, and you want to find out and understand why you feel so down at the moment. If you have tried, and this therapist has not helped significently, I suggest that you change therapists. This is perfectly normal, and you should always ensure that the time you spend with a therapist, is time well spent once you are involved honestly, and openly.

 

So....where does that leave you? You are already on the right road with the approach to the girl. You want to do something, because you came to eNotalone and shared with us, and you want to change the way you are. You are right - you will be the one to do the work mainly, and you want to - so do it ! You should start by getting a positive attitude, and don't be talking to yourelf negatively inside your head - it is one of the worst things you can do - it's like programming yourself with negativity. Positive, positive, positive.

 

Keep your chin up, and you will get there saku

 

Feel free to contact me should you want help again !

 

Hope this helps you some,

[WhyAmIShy]

Let me start off by just saying that no matter what happens, it's never worth killing yourself over, no matter how badly you feel. I would also like to say that while I haven't been in the exact situation, I do understand what you are going through, or I would like to think that I do anyway...

 

As for the girl, letting her know how you feel could be the best thing in the long run. Why hurt yourself more by keeping these secrets. Even if she does have a boyfriend, odds are that she won't forever, and when that day comes she will look for the people who have been there for her all along. I know, being very shy, that this is easier said than done, but getting those feelings out there you will probably find that she cares for you a lot as well.

 

As for your faith in God and in your need to live, I think you are looking at your life the wrong way. Don't ask God to make things go right for you, or to do things for you; that'll never happen. Instead, ask him to give you the strength and the courage to make things go right for yourself. He does care, but he works indirectly. He wants us to learn, but the hard way. It's not that he's helping everyone but you, not at all. I have had times when I was severely depressed, and concidered suicide, but you will get thru it.

 

If you died tomorrow, I guarantee that people you don't even know would care.

 

Don't hate God, and don't stop believing in him. Don't even WANT to stop believing, or you may begin to talk yourself into it, and that will just make things get worse. Whether God is real or not, we need to believe that he is, to help us thru the tough times, to believe that there is a reason for everything, that you got rejected for a reason, even if you can't see it now.

 

I wish you luck with the coming days, weeks, months, years... I know they will be tough... but you must get through them one day at a time. DEATH IS NOT A SOLUTION! Stay well, and PLEASE post again... so we all know you are ok... we DO care.

[Lost2]

hey, don't do something stupid. i have been in the same situation/feelings/self hatred thing than you, i am still there sometimes, but killing yourself is no soltion, we're probably all on earth by chance, but it's not a reason to prevent ourselves to enjoy great things in life, you will have ghapineess too, ou are young, i'm 21, email me if you want, maybe i can help you to go beyong this terrible moment, i wish i can, i think i can make you see life with new yes. i've been as down as you are now, and it's not the end believe me. you can always get more sad, but you can also be happy. i've seen people with worse lives than us be happy, so hold on please!

[Hotshot7680]

God did did not abandon you, and He never will, you just thought He did, He can work in mysterious ways.

[duhast]

For me suicide was always a way to get back at the world for everything bad that had happened in my life, but then I realized the best way to get back at the world is to be here and make a difference in it.

[OmegaMan]

For me suicide was always a way to get back at the world for everything bad that had happened in my life, but then I realized the best way to get back at the world is to be here and make a difference in it.

 

I think this Quite an intelligent philosophy of life which warrants considerations.

 

I don't know if you read a lot, but may I suggest reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand? It gives a whole new perspective on religion (or it's non-existence). It teaches a very interesting philosophy of life, objectivism.

 

Check it out!

 

Omega