Is my man GAY, BI or Straight ??

[GinaBug]

My husband told me that he had a guy proform oral sex on him while he was at a peep show... I have found out that he has talked to gay men online and on the phone. I'm not sure how many times he has met men on the side. He told me that he has not done anything to a guy.. But all the stuff I have read that he wrote to other men make me think differently. I'm so confused. I really love him and we have children together. I feel in my heart that he may be BI. Could anyone give me some feedback on this.

[DREAM]

Look at it this way, iv always believed that everyone has a bit of bi in side 0f them, you can deny it but so have you and me, as gals, so why cant men have a bit inside of them to..

He could just be curious of what gay men chat about, this does not mean he is going to go out and do something about it,

 

It's just the human nature, to find out and be curious about things like this.

 

If it is really bothering you, talk to him, your married so this communication should not be so hard.

[Aura Seeker]

Yes, by your description, it sounds like he is engaging in sex with men. You should for SURE be making him wear a condom when you two have sex. I know he's your husband.....but....

 

Lots of men marry because they do not want to be discovered as gay, or bi.....you should protect yourself in any case.

 

Just my opinion.

 

A

[GinaBug]

I really don't know if he has cheated on me with a woman . He has had voice mail and post on the web to meet women and men. The reason I post this message is to ease my mind. I love him and I have forgiven him but everytime around this time of year I think about what he did to me. I just need advice on this. I was just wondering if there are signs that he would rather be with another man. I have nothing against BIs or Gay people. I just don't want to be married to one and lied to... The only reason he told me anything in the first place because we got inot a fight on Christmas Eve last year and he left me alone in a hotel with my kids . We were 2 hundred miles from home with NO money or a way to get home.. I had him arrested and then I bailed him out Christmas Day. He lived with him brother. When I got him out that is when he told me.... and he said it happened 1 weekend while I was out of town 6 Yrs ago... how could he keep that from me so long.. Now it is hard for me to have sex with him.. the only thing that goes through my mind is that he had another man give him oral and God knows what else. I still have alot of anger... He will not talk to me about it.. what should I do now.....? [/b]

[Aura Seeker]

Everything sounds pretty fishy. The reason you are feeling this way is your instincts are going off, and it's a hard read when you are so close to the situation.

 

It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship. You can't compete with another man, you just can't.

 

Just my opinion.

 

A

[SxcLady]

If you dont feel right having sexual intersourse with him, then why do it? Dont do it and use that time to talk to him about it. It needs to be spoken about. If you dont talk with him, your relationship will stay like this. I agree with Aura Seeker saying that you cannot compete with another man, and its true. You cant. But the hard part is, has this been going on over the past 6yrs or was he just curious that first time. I know plenty of bi and gay guys. When i first met them, you couldnt tell them apart. He was looking for men and woman, so i think that he may be bi, not so much gay but bi.

 

GoodLuck

 

Love SxcLady

[edh1977]

One thing I can say is that I too was once a married man. Before getting married, I always thought I was gay but society and my family and religion always taught that it was immoral and I was going to hell, so I surpressed my feelings into denial. Before we got married, I had a similar situation, only it was vice-versa. I came home and told my then "girlfriend" at the time and she appreciated my honesty and told me that everyone gets curious and she forgave me. The feeling to be with a man and the fact that everytime we had sex, I thought about a man, never went away. I ended up cheating on her with another man again and that's when I ultimately decided that it was time to come out. She never forgave me for marrying her and knowing I was gay but it's not something that one person comes to terms with overnight. It takes time and patience and understanding and love for yourself. Before I ended the marriage, I asked myself if I was truly happy and if I was staying in that relationship just because everyone else was happy when I was with her. In the end, I wasn't happy. I was gay, I had to surpress it and had I stayed married, I would have cheated over and over again to satisfy my ownself "secretly". This was not fair to me NOR her so I had to step up, tell her I was sorry and come out to everyone as a gay man.

 

Ur situation is different because children are involved. I can say that had we had children, I would still be playing "secret life" behind her back because I know there is nothing worse in the world than to have people look at you in dissappointment, especially your children. My dad was a verbally abusive father and still apologizes to this day when I have already told him I forgave him.

 

You do need to sit down and talk with him. Send the kids to grandma's and have a long talk.

 

In the end, you really don't want to be with someone who you can't trust. Trust me on that. It's like being a prisoner in your own relationship and it stinks. Constant fear, constant doubt, constant worry, anxiety and the threat of catching something from unprotected sex. It's not healthy emotionally or physically. Also find a support group, my friends, all new since my seperation from my ex have helped me tremendously. They have shown me that it's not me, it's him and that I deserve the commitment, trust and honesty that everyone deserves from their partner.

 

Good Luck to you! Always here if you need to chat!

[kadvati79]

I consider myself a gay man, but I find that I am equally attracted (sex wise) to both sexes, just a small proportion of each.

 

I also struggled with a sex addiction for several years. I had sex with women and men during this time.

 

I think your husband may have a problem along a similar line, for me, it was about a fantasy world where i could escape my problems. It took three years of counselling and two years in a Sex and love Addicts Anonymous program (SLAA) to beat it - it was tough!

 

I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs - but I found myself in an addicts programme!

 

I cheated terribly on my then partner, and yes, it didn't "mean" anything and I felt terrible and only fueled my addiction. I broke up with him out of guilt... the guilt didn't go away, and so I told him and we ended up getting back together.

 

I think he wants to change, he really does. Homosexual BEHAVIOUR is common in STRAIGHT sex addicts as it is often to do with power and fantasy. He needs counselling with a therapist specialising in addictions (ideally sex addiction) and possibly attending an SLAA meeting.

[edh1977]

I agree. Counseling would be great. My current ex has a huge problem with pornography and always looking for something "new". He was abusive but that is a different story. Counseling for his "addictions" was suggested by me. I offered to go with him, support him and help in anyway I could. He was my partner, I loved and still love him but he said that he didn't have the problem. I had the problem because I had a problem with him staying on the internet all the time looking at porn and trading pictures of himself with others and recieving them as well all behind my back, trying to hide it.

 

It took sometime for me to realize that he was in denial and only feeds his addiction day in and day out. It still continues to this day, although he says he loves me. By seeing this, I now know that what he has is an issue that I tried to help with but he only pushed me away in denial. So now he just feeds it over and over again. One day, it will crash down around him.

 

It's great that you love your husband and you want to work it out, no matter what you have to do. That is what true love and commitment is all about. I hope it is improving for you.

 

God Bless,

E