Aftermath of my departure from reality

[swtsmr93]

Prior to finding ENA, I was doing some things for which I am very ashamed.

 

One of those was sign up for a sex site that I knew the former guy had been on frequently. He was still active but not a paying member. SO, I created a profile and contacted him to see if I could get a response. Like I said, not based in reality and really stupid on my part.

 

This was several months ago and I had actually forgotten I had done this. Until, I got an email stating someone has contacted you. It is him. He is back to being a paying member and sent what I now know is his response to all ads. This site also tracks where on the site someone goes to some extent. So of course, in my stupidity, I looked. He is right back to the gay sex and wanting to find men. He lists himself as bi-sexual. He neglects to mention he is married.

 

I found this out yesterday and had a great day! I felt so relieved that maybe it really wasn't me after all. However, then I was very sad that I had this much of an emotional response.

 

Plus I spent this time and energy on him again. And I have been working hard on that! Then I felt badly because I thought he was probably just looking and wouldn't take any action since he is married now. And he was able to give it up for her because he wanted to have the "normal" life. I never asked him to give up anything because I wanted him to be him. But he said when he ended whatever it was that he was so ashamed of what he had done he couldn't deal with it.

 

Sigh. I am doing all of the things I know I should not. And I know that it is completely self inflicted. I have started working on thinking about losing my daughter which before I would just shut everything out of my mind. So I think a lot of it has to do with that. But I have to do it and I know that.

 

Anyway, I this isn't something I can really tell my family about and do not see my therapist again until next week so I wanted to get this off of my chest!

[Coyote9]

The old adage..."curiosity killed the cat." I have done things in past relationships (snooping around e-mail, driving by the see if other guys cars were at ex's houses, etc) that only caused me more pain and, in one case, led to terrible almost violent blowup between an ex and I. So don't feel badly, we've all done crazy **** in the moments of our madness in the weeks and months following breakups. It's another reason to include all sorts of "snooping" behaviors, (myspace, checking for their car, whatever) as part of our NC regimine. None of the information we get helps anything, least of all us. I once called a personal ad about 8 months after a breakup thinking "this person sounds wonderful"...it was my then most recent ex! My point is, even when we aren't trying, we need to be aware of projecting ourselves from information that will only prolong our suffering. Big deep breath....your ok!!!

[willow2900]

Hey swtsmr93;

 

Remember this is a long, long road here! You hit a bit of a dip, albeit through some of your own motions, but that's ok. Don't beat yourself up over this! There are going to be little set-backs like this and it is perfectly ok and perfectly normal.

 

You already recognize this and I am not telling you anything you don't already know! The next step here is the most important one, how will you continue forward? You have your plan now is the time to stick to it.

 

You have it in you to do this! You are already talking a lot better than a few weeks ago when you posted initially! Remember this little misstep, and don't go searching for information on him again! It only hurts you more in the long run, so keep strong here and don't do it!

[swtsmr93]

Thank you both for the encouragement!

 

It so easy to say I want to know something to make myself feel better. But it doesn't even if it is something that should since it just keeps my side of the web going.

 

It seems like this is all about walking this tight rope of sorts. I know I have to cross it and I want to but at the same time sometimes I look down and fel like I fall off again. But I also know this is called life!

 

Thank you both as I really appreciate the feedback and kindness.