Frusterated With Things

[Boughs]

So this summer I've started doing some soul searching. Really writing, doing art, finding odd things to do. Really trying to get my feet planted and get started on a career that is.... more stable than what I do now, working for Playboy.

 

Well with my work status aside, which I'm relatively confident that I'll be fine and things will work out, my appearance I think is what I get worried about. I have a small frame. I am skinny, but toned... my smallness causes me problems with finding clothes that fit me well... and the only things that fit me well are actually couture, things like D&G/AX/Hugo Boss. Its not that I don't enjoy wearing designer stuff, because i do and as an artist I am really into design and fashion, its just that this kind of stuff is associated with being gay. On top of it, I have long, flowyish hair.... and when I have short hair I look like I'm 13 years old.

 

So anyway here is what I'm getting at... I am not gay, but people when they see me go "oh he is probably gay". My ex gf's friends all asked if I was gay... even 1 year after we were dating. My buddies all don't dress the way I do... they are all accepting of me because they know me obviously. But when I meet other people they all kind of look me up and down and assume I'm most likely gay. I mean I've been hit on by gay guys too, and I have to let them know I'm not gay. The kind of girl Im attracted to is into fashion, so I'm not changing my style... I just hate the "are you gay" thing.

 

Well on top of it all, wearing the clothes I do and the car I drive some people assume I'm pretentious. I come from a family of wealth, I can't help the car it was given to me without my consent (not a bad thing, but obviously it seems snobby... but at the same time I can't live a normal life with a nice car. I can't ask my parents for a cheaper car, and if you say "get rid of the car and buy your own" I can't get rid of the car, parents won't take it back). The clothing yes I could help, but its me... I enjoy fashion... I like dressing well... I don't dress in jeans and a black volcom shirt... I tend not to wear black because black is too easy.. I think so many people just slap on clothes... what happened to the old days with collared shirts and ties and vests and jackets. People used to respect one another... now our democracy is almost not a democracy, and in turn no one really cares about america the way they used to, pride of being an american is lost, and overall people lost touch with just living... they live for money now. I can tell you now, coming from a very wealthy family, money is a burden.

 

So... I don't know what to do. I mean I'm working on my career right now, I'm meeting the people I'm glad I know... enjoying life... but its the little things that are beating my self esteem and consciousness down...

 

Do I seem pretentious? if so, how much so?

[Clementine orange]

pretenious - nahhhh, over analyzing? yes.

 

Forget what other peeps say and just be true to yourself.

[Boughs]

over analyzing... perhaps.

[Henri]

Over analyzing situations can be a very depressing habit. I tend to do this far too naturally.