Jealous? cheating?? or Stressed??

[jojo720]

Hello. I am having quite a problem. My hubby and I have been married for just over 1 year and have been together for 4. We are remodeling a house, which makes him stressed. However, a few weeks ago, totally unlike him, he went out 3 nights in one week and I was not invited one single night. I know men need their nights away, but 3 nights out was a little too much for me to handle. Anyways, there is this woman who has been out everytime he is out. She is married to a drunk, so she says and uses my husbands shoulder to cry on, so he says. Anyways, she called our house, he spoke to her and then tried to claim it was the wrong number. I found out it really was her number and confronted him calmly about it. He blew up about how I don't trust him. I explained, as I have told him before, I trust him, just some other women I don't trust, especially when their in a bad relationship and he is a caring guy. Anyways, I busted him last week for calling her. He called to make sure she was ok b/c she was traveling to another state. I told him that's what her husband is for, not MINE. So, another fight ensued. I work for a law firm and he said "just draw up the papers" during the fight. He had said that he would move out and that we should just get divorced. That is the LAST thing I want. We calmly talked and I explained again how I didn't like the fact that he was talking to this woman. He claimed he has been unhappy and brought up a lot of things not even related to our marriage or us having problems. That night, after talking, everything was ok and still is. Except I feel sick to my stomach b/c he is going out again tonite and I know she'll be there. I have never given him a reason to cheat. I do whatever he wants me to do, let him do what he wants within reason and let him have whatever.

 

My question is, WHAT DO I DO???? I explained she doesn't need to call a married man, she has a sis who is divorced or could talk to her best friend. NOT MY HUSBAND Somebody please help me.

[shari186]

Sounds to me like there might be a little more than you know about. One thing I do know. Men will do as much as you allow them to. You have to have limits or they will do whatever they want to. If a woman is going to allow her husband or boyfriend to cheat, then I am pretty sure he will continue to do it. There is more to the story than he is leading on. No man is just comforting another woman thru hard times. Hell they hardly do it for the wives when needed. I would investigate this a little further. I say go with your gut. Figure out what it is telling you. I would demand him not to see the woman again. If he gets mad, too bad. Your marriage should be more important.

[jojo720]

Thanks. I don't want to say I put limits on him, but he does know what his limits are. He has been cheated on by ex's which were long term relationships. He knows how much that hurts. He always says how "no other woman ever let me go out with my friends." I thought I was doing good by letting him go out.

 

I told him I've been in her sit in my past relationship and I know what she wants--if he doesn't make a move, she will. My gut has always been right and that's what scares the hell out of me.

 

Would it be bad just to drive past the bar he's going to tonite to see if he's really there? It's not that big of a town and if I know he's there, it would make me feel better b/c there are so many people that know we're married. I wish I could stop thinking about this.

[shari186]

I have to admit. I was a misterous to a man for 3 years. I know how the lies go. I was golfing, drinking with the guys. I am not saying your man is cheating, but if his wife would have done a little checking up she would have caught him way before he told her. Ok here is what I reccomend. Go by the bar, if he is there maybe have a friend go in or someone he doesn't know to see how he is acting with the girl. If he is not there, DRIVE BY THE GIRLS HOUSE. Comfront him right there if he is there otherwise he will come up with some story why he was there. Watch the house for a bit to see if they kiss when he leaves or however. If he has a cell phone, get a copy of his bill (DETAILED) see how ofter her number is on there or strange numbers. Say you are going out for the night then see what he does or follow him to see what he is doing. Best result could be that your man is not cheating, but you will know either way. Check your credit card bills for any odd purchases. Smell his clothes for perfume or his underwear for the smell of sperm. When he gets home see if he will have sex right when he gets there. MOst cases he wont if he has just been with the girl and is cheating.Inspect his body for any marks from nails or hickys or anything different. Good luck and please let me know what you find out. I hope he is not cheating, but I would rather know than not.

[jojo720]

Ya know, those are the same ideas I had. That's kinda scary. I've smelled his clothes, I can't smell any perfume. However, the really big thing is I was in his truck and found a pair of his UNDERWEAR in his consul. Yes, I did smell them, I didn't notice anything. I didn't say anything. I thought I'd wait until after tonite and check tomorrow to see if there's another pair. I don't know why in the world he would have done that. I think tomorrow I will just happen to say Oh, I found the strangest thing in your truck....and see what he says. I think I'll be staking out the bar tonite. I'm trying to think who I could have go in there for me. Luckily, I have the cell in my possession and I pay all the bills.

 

Thank you for your support. In a way, its comforting that a complete stranger has the same advice as my best friends!!

[shari186]

Also, has he received any new clothes or anything. Maybe she has given him gifts. Look to see if he has something new that you know he wouldn't have bought himself. I hope he is cheating, but I would do some major investigating. Definently go by the bar tonight. Just try to catch him cheating so you have proof for yourself until you comfront him. Always smell his clothes and underwear. Sperm has a distinct smell to it. Lunches is a big thing for cheaters as well. If there is anyway you could follow him at lunch or go by the girls home over lunch. Nooners, you know. I don't mean drive yourself crazy over this forever. I mean dedicate a week to finding out. Drive by her house every lunch for one week when you know he is going to be at lunch. and every night he is out. Watch his phone calls and everything else. If I think of anything else, I will email you back.

[jojo720]

No, no new clothes/gifts. I don't have to worry about lunch b/c he only gets 1/2 hour and it takes 15 min to get to the town where we live from where he works (we work in the same town). He also works with her brother in law. I've been watching the phone calls like a hawk. We'll see how tonite goes. Thanks for the support shari. I'll let you know how it goes.

[Aura Seeker]

I was in private investigating for a long time. Take a camera. Wait for public displays of affection. It will do wonders in a settlement.

 

Get your proof, then ask questions. Never ask a question you don't know the answer to!

 

Protect yourself, because he can leave and you won't be granted a divorce or anything. Get proof before saying anything.

 

One thing.....do not give him words that tip him off. Women were always easy to follow, because the guys said nothing! Women are bad for ...."i'll have you followed" and the guys are always looking over their shoulder.

 

A

[jojo720]

Well, as I suspected, he was with her last night. I saw him drive down to the bar (I can see it from our bedroom window) and sit there for like 2 seconds and then take off again. My best friend and I drove down the bar and her car was sitting there. We waited for them to come back but decided to leave at like 11:30. I watched from my bedroom window at 12 and saw him pull in the parking lot, sit there for a few min and then watched her drive off and him come home.

 

I confronted him when he came home and of course, he denied that he was with her. He said he went to the bar for a shot and then left to go to another bar. I am sick to my stomach. I wish I was dead. I don't want to deal with this. I can't stand to be at work today. I'm going to tell him tonite that I want the truth and if I don't get the truth, I'm leaving. It's very hard for me to do b/c he is the love of my life, my whole world, my everything. And I am deathly afraid of losing everything.

[misscitygrl]

I feel absolutely horrible for you right now. I know that u really really want to know but i suggest that u try to suppress ur feelings and make sure u know for sure for sure.... to the pt where he can't deny it.

 

I think that u can confront him all u want tonite but i seriuosly doubt that he will admit to anything... esp if he knows u dont have proof....and u will look like u are exaggerating, crazy, unreasonablely jealous wife etc.... he will turn things on u.

 

The camara thing from a previosu post is not a bad idea. (i honestly thik she gave u great advice). Right now u have circumstancial evidence but nothing concrete because u didn't go in, u don't have a witness and u dont have pictures...

 

be smart about things.... try to calm down ...and hold it in for a lil bit longer.... confronting him WITHOUT CONCRETE evidence (which he won't be able to deny or make an excuse for) won't help u at all... in fact it will work aganist u... since this will alert him to the fact that u r on to him and it will be harder for u to catch him in somethig compromising .......

 

Be strong keep monitoring him like the previous post said.... the probabilities of him admitting anything are slim to none.... men will only admit when they know they are caught..no way out.....

 

Let me knwo how things turn out.....

situations like this get me soooooooo mad....

 

Goodluck ...be strong and smarter about things... u will come out on top

 

[jojo720]

I am afraid that I am going crazy. I went home sick yesterday b/c I seriously was sick to my stomach. I did confront him when he came home and told him exactly what I saw. He told me exactly what he had told me the night before (when he was drinking) about where he had been and all that. I told him that I saw him drive to the back of the bar and said that he never parks there. He said that there wasn't any room to park in the front, which could be true. I couldn't tell from the house. When I confronted him on dropping her off and both leaving the parking lot at the same time, he said that he drove past the bar b/c he has to pass it when he comes home (which is true).

 

He also asked me why I would think he would ever cheat on me b/c he has no reason to ever do that. If for some awful reason he ever did cheat, he said why in the world would I cheat on you with someone from the same town we live in where everyone knows us and everyone is a gossip. I believe what he says, but I am still skeptical. I explained that I don't want him calling her again and he can talk to her at the bar--in public and if she calls here, he can take the call with me in the room.

 

He did explain again that he is depressed b/c of all the stress with remodeling the house and his job. I guess i feel better b/c even tho he was drunk Wed nite when he came home, everything he told me is the exact same thing he told me last nite. I also confronted him about the underwear in his truck and he laughed and said that he was working on the tractor and needed to wipe the dipstick off and ran into the house and that was the first he grabbed b/c the laundry basket was sitting by the door.

 

When I first confronted him he said why don't we have my parents come over and your parents and we can tell them everything--insinuating that I tell my mom everything, which is not totally true b/c she knows nothing about this anyways--and I told him I don't want to involve them. Then he mentioned something about counseling. I later said that maybe I need to look into counseling myself b/c I don't like feeling this way and he took it all wrong and thought I was saying he was a bad hubby. So, after all of this, everything is ok. I hope. He knows how I feel so I guess I will take it day by day.

 

Thank you to all of you for your advice. I wish you all the best of luck in your lives and pray to god I never have to deal with this again.

[shari186]

Hi there. I was just wondering how everything went the other night. Let me know.