Adult survivor ready to tell - but abuser is dead

[AnitaAtl]

Does anyone have any advice on telling adult family members about my grandfather abusing his 13 year old granddaughter (me)? We have family reunions every few years and they're named after him (he's been dead for years). I passed up going to the reunion a few weeks ago, and my mom knows why, but I want to tell everyone that I will not come celebrate the man who abused me. I do not want to hear about how honorable and good he was, and how lucky we were to have such good childhoods, etc. They consider him a respected Christian man (my family is very southern in the religious sense). I either tell, or else I will never attend another reunion. My mom does not understand why it's still a lingering issue since I'm 47 years old. I'm not sure I even want to tell, Then I wonder how? I'm just looking for others who might share a similar thing. Thanks.

[Clementine orange]

I have never (thank god) been in this situation. However, I can only think that it would take tremendous courage on your part to reveal this information. This courage may inspire others in your family and may help other young people in dealing with this kind of thing.

[southerngirl]

I was raped at the age of 14. Actually one week after that birthday. Id idnt tell fo ryears. Not until I was closer to 19 years old. There came a time when I wanted to tell everyone because to get it out there was a way of owning what happened to me rather than letting it own me. I dont know if I am explaining it...

 

But it can be very empowering for you to tell the truth. However, what if they dont believe you? There is the flip side too, what if he did this to other children in your family and perhaps your having the courage to come clean about it may give them the courage to do the same thing?

 

Have you had counseling? What happened to you is horrible. I am so very very sorry this happened. Welcome to ENA! I hope you stick around. You just may be able to help some of us one day!

 

I agree with you about skipping the event. I do not imagine why anyone in your situation would want to partake in honoring that man. Unless of course you go there once and for all to tell them what happened and then leave..

[curbie]

I would suggest telling everyone. However, you do have the family who is "on his side" against you and it would be hard to convince them otherwise, I'm sure. I'm sorry this had to happen to you, and welcome to ENA! We're all here for you.

 

In my experience with my ex GF, she was sexually harassed and kept it quiet. Didn't want the backlash....well I took it upon myself to say something and it backfired. She and the fellow men went to talk to the manager, and they all LIED to cover it up. I hope she gets her Karma real fast.

[Honey Pumpkin]

I can understand totally why you want to do this - you want closure, because it's obscene that his life is being celebrated, when he abused you. I understand that.

 

I think though that you have to think about what you want to achieve, and what you think you will achieve. Because I can honestly think it will be cathartic and powerful for you to say to these people what happened. But equally I can see it hurting you more than anyone else, with a few different outcomes.

 

I suggest that you see someone to talk this through with, a professional, who can guide you through these feelings and help YOU to decide what you want to do, and how you're going to do it, and how you're going to cope with whatever reactions happen.

 

Good luck, and take care of yourself.

[fragmint]

maybe you should talk to a counselor about what you might want to do first, just to be absolutely sure what you want to do. i understand you would want to tell him that they were celebrating and remembering someone who is not as honorable and great as they think, but at the same time i feel like some others probably wont believe you. and even if they do, they might just get mad at you and tell theres no point to saying this now - hes already dead why do you have to talk like this - sort of attitude. just be ready to deal with these sort of comments

[AnitaAtl]

Yes -all good replies. Thanks. I am in counseling right now and have already been composing a draft of a letter that will be mailed to members of my family. I am sitting on it right now, until the right time, whenever that might be. I want to go ahead and send it, but it does not hurt to sit on it a little longer/edit it for clarity/ and to make sure I am in peace about it -not anger, if you know what I mean. Thanks everyone.