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Need advice on serious marital issues


Trooper5

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I have some serious issues and I feel awkward coming here to seek help. I returned from Iraq and am contemplating going back. I realized I wanted to go back to Iraq to get away from my marriage of 10 years. We dated for several years before getting married and have grown apart. I have no reason to tell un-truths, I have never been unfaithful in my marriage. My wife has in her head that I have been and has told me it is just a feeling she got "one" night. It literally came to her one night and since then it has changed. I'll be the first to admit Im not the same person I was when I left for Iraq, no soldier coming back will ever be the same. She takes my inability to sleep and post traumatic stress problems as infidelity. I realized I may have portrayed some wrong actions by running late at night, or in the day for hours and hours. At anytime she wanted to, and she has, she could come and see exactly where I was at.

 

I was recently offered a job outside of the military with one of our countries State Police Departments. I went through the hiring process, and was offered to position. I was excited about this and thought that me leaving the military and taking a civilian job that would allow me to be home would help my marriage in untold amounts. Her first remark after I told her I was offered the position was, "well, thats just great, all these woman around here just throw themself at troopers.". I can go on and on with the remarks.

 

I have 2 children and do not want to leave them but Im at the point that I see no light at the end of the tunnel. I hope I have provided enough information on my situation, if not I can provide more. Thank you for your time, Trooper5.

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Yes, I asked her to go to a counselor with me. He of course informed me I had ptsd, which I already knew, and told her she was neurotic. He informed her that he felt some medication might help. I'll support her in whatever she decides to do as far as taking medications or not.

 

The counselor told her that she was taking all of her stressors (work, iraq, her family, etc..) and placing them on me. Im still kind of at a loss as to what to do. I realized I probably needed some help when I started making phone calls to re-up, and go back to Iraq.

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first off thanks for your service, soldiers are very under appreciated in this country.

 

now. it sounds to me like you need to have a long talk, if that doesnt help maybe counseling and then if that doesnt help it sounds like its over.

 

How do you feel about that? if leaving her doesnt bother you its already to late

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Hi There and Welcome,

 

I don't think that by running from the problems in your marriage by going to Iraq you are going to be able to solve them. It seems to me that if you and your wife are going to be able to work on the marriage with the possibility of fixing it you are both going to have face head-on the problems that are plaguing it (her accusations of your infidelity) and address them and work through them.

 

I wonder if she'd be interested in therapy?

 

If your marriage is going to have a chance, you are going to have to talk to your wife about this and get her agreement to seek counseling to work it out.

 

The job is a separate issue, but be wary of what reasons you are choosing for wanting to go back to Iraq.

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Your wife may just drive you away with these insecurities.

I'd tell her how painful it is to be falsely accused. She should seek counseling for the children's sake. She sounds extremely immature.

 

Thank you for your service.

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Remember the 2 of you have to work at this.

 

I would sit down and have a long chat. Yes it is very hard deciding to breakup a home/family. Both of you seem very stressed out... I would definitely have more counselling before throwing in the towel.

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Thanks so much for all of your advice. I guess I should stick out the counseling part and see what develops there. I knew when I came back from Iraq that I had alot of seperation issues from my guys and it bothers me every minute that Im not with them. I feel like I have left them in the wind with noone to watch their 6. I try every minute of every day to put my kids first and not think about this but can't seem to manage it.

 

One thing I would ask of everyone. If you have family or friends who are coming back from a combat tour of duty, be there for them. They will never ask for help.

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welcome to enotalone. thank you so much for all that you have done for our country, it is very much appreciated. glad you are back home, but sorry you want to run back to iraq!!! yikes!!!!

 

I agree with the others, can you go to couples' therapy together? i am sorry that she sees your different behavior as infidelity and not PTSD. maybe talk to her some more, I'm sure it's a big adjustment for both of you to be back home. hopefully this is a small bump in the marriage.

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welcome to enotalone. thank you so much for all that you have done for our country, it is very much appreciated. glad you are back home, but sorry you want to run back to iraq!!! yikes!!!!

 

I agree with the others, can you go to couples' therapy together? i am sorry that she sees your different behavior as infidelity and not PTSD. maybe talk to her some more, I'm sure it's a big adjustment for both of you to be back home. hopefully this is a small bump in the marriage.

 

Im actually thinking about showing her this forum and this thread. Whats your opinion on that?

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I don't know honestly. do you think it will help her see your viewpoint? i definitely think you should sit down and talk to her, explain that you're going through a real "culture shock." life there and life here are so different. there you are worried about getting blown up by a bomb any second now, and here you are worried about what meat to buy for dinner. totally different world.

 

have you sat down with her and really explained how you feel? that you don't feel quite like normal yet?

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Do all that you can to save it and don't give up. Continue to try and seek help but don't push too hard on her, that usually just makes the other person push back. Personally, I wouldn't go back to Iraq if given the choice as I'm sure the marriage would suffer even more from it.

 

Hang in there-

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I really appreciate all of the help folks. Im trying to not get consumed with this and let it breathe and air out. I can't explain what happened in Iraq to her, I don't think anyone would understand the things I have done or have experienced. It's a ton of baggage to carry around and it's horrible to leave for a year and half to come back "home" and not fit in. I feel more comfortable in Iraq than I do here.

 

I really have no idea how to deal with ptsd. The Army counselors try but they are overwhelmed and the majority of us do what we are asked to and then shuffled along. Maybe if I learned how to deal with this I could deal with my marital problems better.

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Have you thought about private therapy at home? Perhaps doing a bit of research and finding a therapist that specializes in PTSD?

 

I imagine the sheer number of soldiers who potentially suffer from PTSD after what they have been through would be overwhelming to the army counselors.

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Update on the home front, seems she is pissed off 24/7 now. Im to the point that Im beginning not to care and think it's not worth the effort as it all seems to be one sided. Not really sure where to go or what to do from here.

 

What is she upset at?

 

Annie asked if you had talked to her about counseling... have you?

 

This can only work if she is willing to work on it with you, I hope that she is.

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Church isnt an option where we are at. She won't come right out and say what she is upset about, just every little thing seems to upset her. She was upset at me today because she had to go into work. She gets upset at me when I have to work and even became upset at me when I left to go to the funeral of one of my guys. Sometimes it seems to me she wants out and won't just say it, the other times she wants us together.

 

I keep getting mixed signals.

 

 

We have talked with a counselor. He told her she was taking all of her frustrations out on me and she was neurotic.

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maybe you should talk to her. lots of little things here and there, find out what is the BIG issue in her head that is really making her upset.

 

does her health insurance come with therapy services? maybe you two can get counseling that way?

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We have talked with a counselor. He told her she was taking all of her frustrations out on me and she was neurotic.

 

What did she say about that?

 

Did the counselor give her a chance to speak also?

 

It seems a good counselor would be showing you both better ways to deal with conflict and communicate, rather than pointing fingers and attacking her.

 

I'm not saying what the counselor said didn't have merit, only that how productive was it in helping you both work around it to improve your marriage?

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Ive tried talking to her about all of the issues. At times she is perceptive to it and other times she doesn't want anything to do with talking. Getting therapy is no problem at all, we both have the best insurance you can get. One of the problems is I feel that while she was in med school it was kind of a cool thing for her to be dating a "ranger" and now that she is a doc, I don't fit in with her friends. I don't fit in with the guys her circle of friends are comprised of. I don't drive a 100k car, wear 5k suits, or jet set around the world. I try to make conversation with these people but as soon as they find out Im just back from Iraq they ask the most absurd questions that borderline piss me off. I can control my emotions and noone has any clue that I get upset and she has never made a comment about me being upset.

 

I tried to explain to her the relationship between my guys and I. Noone can understand that unless they have been through the experiences we have, together. The best was I have EVER seen this described would be a quote from a movie, BlackHawk Down,

 

""When I get home people 'll ask me, "Hey Hoot, why do you do it man? Why? You some war junkie?" You know what I'll say? I won't say a goddamn word. Why? They won't understand. They won't understand why we do it. They won't understand that it's about the men next to you, and that's it. That's all it is.""

 

It really is that simple yet how can I explain that? She is amazingly intelligent and can understand what I am going through and why she feels the way she is feeling.

 

I really appreciatte your help. I am making a decision this week on going back to Iraq. As it is now Im set to re-up for 8 years, change my life insurance dependancy to my kids and my father (college trust funds etc..), and go back until the conflict is over.

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What did she say about that?

 

Did the counselor give her a chance to speak also?

 

It seems a good counselor would be showing you both better ways to deal with conflict and communicate, rather than pointing fingers and attacking her.

 

I'm not saying what the counselor said didn't have merit, only that how productive was it in helping you both work around it to improve your marriage?

 

She became upset with the therapists and I felt that the therapist was intimidated by her because she is a doc.. The things that the therapists did say were right on with what issues my wife has. The majority of the time the dialogue was between my wife and the therapist. The majority of the issues that the counselor discussed with my wife, my wife agreed with.

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She became upset with the therapists and I felt that the therapist was intimidated by her because she is a doc.. The things that the therapists did say were right on with what issues my wife has. The majority of the time the dialogue was between my wife and the therapist. The majority of the issues that the counselor discussed with my wife, my wife agreed with.

 

So your wife agreed with the counselor's assessment.

 

Did the counselor have any recommendations of how to improve your marriage?

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So your wife agreed with the counselor's assessment.

 

Did the counselor have any recommendations of how to improve your marriage?

 

He suggested her to take medications to help stabilize her moods. She is 100% against that and would rather deal with her problems in her own way. Im about at my end with it all to be honest. I feel like I have other aspects of my life that are more important to deal with and feel selfish putting time on my personal problems when I need to be there for my guys and their families. I am about 2 seconds from completely closing off from her and quit caring.

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