Need some help....

[JimmyBob]

Me and my girlfriend have been together for 4 1/2 years, she lives accross the street from me. We are not engaged due to the fact that we both are 22, finishing up school and want to be finanically set before we commit to marriage.

 

She recently started telling me that she needs space, she says every time she goes out with her friends that i always call her at least 5 times, which I do for the most part. She also says that she shouldn't have to ask me to go out, she does this because she wants to I have never told her to. She has also been texting her friend "joe" a lot lately, she says they are just friends and I know she would never cheat on me, should I be worried though?? We went to highschool together.

 

She also sleeps here practically every night, both of our parents are pretty cool. We both had an emotional breakdown last night. She says she wants space but DOESN'T want to break up.

 

She also keeps telling me that she has problems (she can't manage her money at all, her parents boss her around constantly, etc.). She also said she got a message on her cell phone a few weeks ago with a girl saying "haha, i have your boyfriend). I haven't cheated on her but there is a girl who can't stand her and wants to be with me but I refuse.

 

So the question is, what is the best way to go about this? I love this girl to death and she feels the same. Does space automatically mean breaking up? Any ideas would be great guys

[Meow18]

Space is as close to breaking up, without actually breaking up, as it gets. I guess in some ways it's a good thing for you because you haven't completely lost her, but not in others.

 

You need to talk about what this space means. Does it mean no contact? Does it mean you can see other people? Do you have a time limit?

 

Can I ask, why do you call her so much while she's out with friends? Is it always to ask where she is and who she's with?

 

In my opinion, space is never a good thing though. It's almost like giving up on each other. As a couple, you need to work out your problems together. She can't just take a break from the relationship every time it gets tough or stressful. If you know her issues, work on them together.

[JimmyBob]

We've actually talked about this. I asked her if space means that she doesn't want to see me anymore and she said no, not at all. She says she just doesn't want me to call her a million times and doesn't want me to be mad when she goes out with her friends. She says she also has some problems that she needs to work on: doesn't know how to manage money, etc. She also flipped out when I told her that if we broke up that I would not be able to live next to her and would be moving out of my parents house, she said she doesn't want that.

 

I really don't call her that much, she exaggerates sometimes over this. She says she never calls me when I go out, because she chooses not to! I trust her 100% and I'm not sure why I do call her so much. I don't ask where she is or who she is with because she tells me.

 

Another thing is that she has a friend that has serious issues. She always calls her and complains about herself and how her life sucks. Could her best friend be bringing her down? The girl always complains about the same things, nothing ever changes with her.

 

I honestly think that she is getting doubts because she is 22 and is in a serious relationship but won't admit it to me. I have asked her this and she always said it's not that at all and it's not about anyone else.

[BellaDonna]

I definitely think you need to have her clarify exactly what she means by "space".

 

She recently started telling me that she needs space, she says every time she goes out with her friends that i always call her at least 5 times, which I do for the most part.

 

If "space" simply means not calling 5 times when she is out - then I think that is pretty reasonable.

 

If "space" means something more than that- than I agree with Meow18, it could take you to a crossroads in your relationship.

 

In regards to the multiple phone calls, I have to be honest, I think it's a REALLY BAD habit. Not only is it annoying to the person who receives the calls- it does not make you look too good/secure in front of her friends. There is no reason to call someone 5 times unless there is some kind of valid emergency.

[BellaDonna]

We were posting/typing at the same time so I did not see your reply before mine went up.

 

She says she just doesn't want me to call her a million times and doesn't want me to be mad when she goes out with her friends.

 

If that is the case, then I think she really is just looking for a little breathing room and less controlling/posessive behavior. I'm sure the multiple phone calls annoy her- and also insult her, because they indicate that you may not trust her and feel the need to keep tabs on her.

 

I would simply lessen up on all the phone calls and see if things get better. If they don't then maybe it is deeper than that.

[JimmyBob]

We were posting/typing at the same time so I did not see your reply before mine went up.

 

 

 

If that is the case, then I think she really is just looking for a little breathing room and less controlling/posessive behavior. I'm sure the multiple phone calls annoy her- and also insult her, because they indicate that you may not trust her and feel the need to keep tabs on her.

 

I would simply lessen up on all the phone calls and see if things get better. If they don't then maybe it is deeper than that.

She thinks I don't trust her at all. She said if I did then I wouldn't be calling her all the time, etc. She is actually staying over tonight and we are going to talk about all this. I know I need to change the way i act as in regards to the phone calls, etc. and i'm going to try my best to.

 

What about her friend though? It seems like she can't talk to her best friend about her problems because her best friend is always annoying her with the same ones every day.

[PocoDiablo]

Um, guy, if you are *really* calling her more than once when she is out, then YEAH you are smothering her big time. That is *totally* unattractive and I'm amazed she has not dumped you yet.

 

Let's take a deep breath here and see what's going on, shall we?

 

First, when you call her it signals to her that you are (a) insecure (b) immature and © desperate. It tells her that you are afraid of losing her because of your insecurities.

 

Guess what? Women want SECURE men in their lives. When you call her a lot, it's like you're her little 8-year-old boy who misses his mother. It really is not attractive, it's probably embarrasing, and it's boring and predictable. All in all, calling her more than once every two to THREE days is pushing your luck. Whoa - call her once every three days, I must be nuts, right? No, not so much. You know, if you stop calling her and let her have a life, she'll be able to spend time with her friends and will probably be thinking about why you're NOT calling her. And that, my dear friend, is very powerful. You want her to think about you - good or bad - because it's that mystery that keeps things fresh. Now you don't want her thinking you're out with 4 other girls, just that you're fixing your car, or watching a movie with John, or went to get lunch with Henry. Basically, YOU need to get a life!

 

As far as being immature, you have to admit it's probably unlikely that you see many adult men calling their GF's or wives 5 times a day. You have to come from a place of being mature, being adult, being grown up, and being comfortable WITH YOURSELF. Yeah, that means sitting around and finding a way to entertain yourself. Take a boxing class, go bike riding, go fishing, break your car, read a book whatever... but find something to do!

 

Now as far as being desperate... you do realize if you smother her like this, you are telling her (with your actions) something like "I'm a loser and you are the only person who likes me. You are my last hope. If you dump me, I will have no one who likes me." The problem is you just told her "You're the only person stupid enough to like me." Wow, that's kind of an insult. Plus, when you are "checking up" on her (which, face it, is what you are doing) you are sending the signal of "I don't trust you, you are a cheater and a liar."

 

Now, top it all off with your BORING, DEPRESSING, THERAPY conversations is it any wonder she is spending time with other people? Hey, man, if you really like her, lay off the depressing, clingy, accusing, desperate conversations. If she comes to you with problems about her finances, you don't have to solve them - just let her talk about it. Offer to get her a soda, or drive to McD's and have some fries while she is talking. Listen to her, and realize she is trying to make sense of these things. Instead of opening your mouth and offering "help", however, only ask her "So what are you going to do?" Don't offer suggestions unless she asks, and then keep the short and sweet and then let her get back to talking.

 

Ultimately you want to avoid serious conversations so they account for less than 5% of your time together. If you're always being serious, boring, predictable, and desperate, and "Joe" makes her laugh, teases her, flirts with her, and makes her smile ... well, you are going to lose her simply because you are not a good enough man to keep her interested in you.

 

So, with that said, I'm going to STRONGLY recommend you go to link removed and sign up for his email thing (on the first page, exit after that) and get some of his newsletters. With any luck you can quickly pick up some skills to turn things around here and feel more confident. The point here is that you need to stand up straight, stop being so freaked out, and BE THE BETTER MAN.

 

You don't have to buy her anything (in fact, avoid that) but you DO have to make her smile, make her WANT to be with you, and make her NOT be able to guess that you're going to call her at 3:15, 4:22, 5:15, 6:40, and 7:20 on the dot. Mix it up! Turn your phone ringer off and go out with a friend.

 

You're going the wrong direction, and if you can make a u-turn and be someone fun to be with, she'll be all over you.

 

Now go get to work!

[PocoDiablo]

Speaking of trust, you NEED to go read this as well:

 

link removed

 

You would probably do yourself a huge favor to buy his book, too:

 

link removed

 

Get it used for $6. This book will point out that you are being passive aggressive with her, which is REALLY annoying her. If you read that book 2-3 times, and really integrate some of the information, I bet things turn around like you've never imagined.

[JimmyBob]

haha dude that was the best post I have ever heard. Great advice, great! I totally agree with you though. Our conversations have been serious lately, We defiantly talk more then once a day, she usually calls. If I don't call she will call me and ask why I haven't called, etc. You just brightened up my day. We'll see how things go tonight, I have a lot of changes to make.

[PocoDiablo]

Let me point something out - when you don't call SHE calls. This is exactly what you want. You also MUST REALIZE that when she calls that means she is thinking about you! That is a huge indicator of interest towards you.

 

The correct way to answer the phone when she calls, thereforeeee, is "So you just can't get enough of me, huh? "

 

Tease, flirt, joke, etc. Remember she will likely be sensitive for the next few weeks or months as you rebuild your trust, so keep being friendly, funny, and kind.

 

And SQUASH ALL INSECURITY. You must have a complete LACK of insecurity. That means when she goes out, you wish her well, and check that she has some cash to buy her friends a drink. You don't wait up for her to come home, etc. Just chill.

 

Think of it like letting your cat out - you're not going to go chase it down in the neighborhood 5 times a night, are you? Let her get out, she'll always come home if you don't go tromping around the yard scaring her away.

[JimmyBob]

I agree man. We see each other everyday because she lives accross from me and she doesn't care about that. She basically doesn't want to be "smothered" all the time. I'm actually going to take your advice starting tomorrow and see how it goes for us. I actually think it will be for the best. Another thing is when we are together, saturday we spent all day/night together and didn't fight once because we were having fun (went jet skiing, beach, etc).

 

Thanks again!!

[BellaDonna]

What about her friend though? It seems like she can't talk to her best friend about her problems because her best friend is always annoying her with the same ones every day.

 

I would leave the topic of her friend alone for now. If you give her your opinions on her best friend, she might just interpert it as more smothering. Let her be the judge of her friends.

[HulloThere]

i wouldnt really mention her friend "joe" to her but I would definitely watch out. Perhaps im jaded but it sounds exactly like the setup of many of the stories in the "healing after breakup" forum. They always start out as "just friends" ;p

[beauty21]

Hey good advice. I'm gonna try this on my boyfriend.

[JimmyBob]

We had a nice long talk before and we have decided that I defiantly need to give her breathing room. We are not breaking up nor are we going to date anyone. It's basically me not being such a control freak, lol. I actually printed out the reply that PocoDiablo made and she thought it was funny and right to the point. So basically today is the start of something new, hopefully it works!!

[VeganBohemian]

I love my boyfriend so much...but if he called me 5 times in one night while I was OUT...not good. Give her the space she needs and she will come to you.

[PocoDiablo]

I actually printed out the reply that PocoDiablo made and she thought it was funny and right to the point. So basically today is the start of something new, hopefully it works!!

And my printed career begins! Pretty soon I'll have to look for a book deal.

[Momene]

If she's going out then what are you doing? Should you not be out with friends of your own or doing something you enjoy? 5 times in an evening is just too much and really sounds like you're supervising her.

 

Sometimes I think mobile 'phones are a curse.