My Own Confession

[ajaxajax]

Ladies and gentlemen

 

There are those who have read my previous posts on Enotalone and found me to be either bizarre and/or a full on pig! I know that I may have sounded controversial for those who have read them. But I think I know why it all happened. I saw a doctor and he told me that I was likely to be suffering both an anxiety disorder and depression. In fact, I believe he is talking about a mixed anxiety and depression disorder.

 

The scariest thing is that unlike normal depression, which increases suicide risk 5 times, this mixed disorder increases the risk 15 TIMES! And very often, while I do not feel like killing myself, I feel no better about myself than someone who is thinking about it!

 

I’d rather not tell you my life story - partly because doing so would bore every last one of you to death! But, here are some of the reasons I feel that my mental problems just stick

- me having to stay back at university for 11 years before I can get a decent job (unlike most students who finish off in 4-6 years)

- me copping the blame from everyone in my family for things I have and haven’t done - for example, my (Australianised) dad preferring to listen to his friends and workers over me (and being ripped off in the process) because he thinks I always talk crap when I was actually telling the truth

- me having to put up with poorer class neighbours who become so jealous of my family that they complain to us, the police, the councils etc instead of getting off their own backsides and making their own contributions to society (it’s as simple as that!) – and my father finding them better people to deal with than anyone else!

- people having, I feel, a hidden hatred against Italians such as myself and from some Italians against myself because of my family being isolated and my Australian mother

- me having to constantly put up with family members who are not as smart, as attentive, as respectful or as somber as I am

- me not being able to physically deal with aggressors due to the potential of wrecking my career in pharmacy just of the “perceived threat to public safety”, despite the need to prove myself to be a MAN!

- me not being able to get a girlfriend (or having any companionship etc) because of my family wanting to marry someone I do not agree with (Australians in particular - not Italians), my current mental illness, the presense of so many Paris Hiltons on Earth and my father’s constant disregard for women

- me feeling that my family will not allow me to migrate to Europe because of them believing that Australia WILL ALWAYS be the best nation ever - and that me wanting to move there will only result in disappointment and will show that I want to break my family up and do things the Australian way…even though I’m already hurting so much “down under”

 

I keep feeling that no matter how hard I try to better myself, I think that circumstances are trying to force me to

- not have a good job

- remain poor and heavily financially dependent on my family

- have my Italian identity rejected at ALL COSTS

- not marry at all - or, if I am to marry, end up with a woman who will create a bad marriage

- me having to find myself as an eternal doormat when I am supposed to be ME!

 

Now, I’m really confused about what it takes to be a real man, what it takes to be independent and accepting of who I am, and why I never get a job and partner and look like they are being taken up by everyone else!

 

I even found some Italian women marrying non Italian men…but that makes me ask myself: what is so wrong with me as an Italian? Don’t THEY understand that an American, British, Australian, German man etc is just as capable of using and abusing women as what they think Italian men are? Of course, there is always the possibility of the Italian way of life showing out in the end, but what about the non Italian MEN OF THE HOUSE! It’s still a man’s world after all (isn’t it?) and, considering that, what makes anyone think that the Italian side will be safe if the lady falls under “foreign occupation”! Please don’t be offended by what I said, I know about the inevitable question: “What about the non Italian wives of Italian men - including your mother?” I just feel that Italians, no matter how hard we work and strive, always get the boot from somewhere. And that women always gets subordinated to men…and considering that I’m rather nationalistic about Italy, I feel even more sensitive about Italian women.

 

I think this is the biggest part of me feeling so down…I just wanted to vent my frustrations somewhere but I also want to ask on what I might need to do to change what I think, because I want to think that all my fears are just rubbish - but I just couldn’t change them.

 

Thanks for reading

[annie24]

hi ajax - why did it take you 11 years to finish college? were you only taking a partial load because you were working?

 

I am glad you have seen a therapist. That is good. I also have a mixture of depression and anxiety, and I know it is not fun!

 

 

 

I'm not trying to offend you, but you seem to have a really negative attitude, with thinking you are better than everyone else, your neighbors, your family, and I would say that is holding you back from finding a good relationship, not that "people are against italians" or whatever. I don't believe that. I don't think your neighbors would be calling the police on you unless you were doing something that was provoking them. do you know what it was that provoked them?

 

What do you mean about "proving you are a man" at your pharmacy job? You have to be professional and represent the company, even if a customer is being rude, you can't just punch them or swear at them, you have to maintain your reputation....

[ajaxajax]

I actually find the way you put it about being a man at a pharmacy funny - no offence. I meant being a man AFTER HOURS, there's no way I'd be physical or brutal in any other way whenever I work as a pharmacist! But, I keep feeling that I have to show myself as a "brutal" man outside of work just to show my dad that I'm an actual man and not as a money sucking playboy leech!

 

Part of my negative attitude came from me going through my 11 years of study in the following fashion:

- graduated after 3 years with Health Sciences (despite me wanting to get into medicine)

- having an Honours degree the year after - despite a lot of snobby looks from coworkers and other staff members

- being in Physiotherapy (Physical Therapy) for 3 years - I dropped it because of my "communication problems", when in actual fact they failed me because of WHO I AM

- going through a 4 year Pharmacy study program

= total of 11 years

 

A lot of my negative thinking also came from people finding me weird, unusual etc and not being able to find that a good thing. I did not get a lot of true friends and any girl I try to ask out always, ALWAYS, goes out with someone who is a dope, drunk, drug addict, girlbasher etc.

 

I do not consider myself as better than anyone else, but do find myself set back behind people who don't work as hard, don't get grades as high, are not as approachable and likeable etc.

 

I also found my family, despite my dad being Italian, to not want Italians married into my family. We had many relatives who are non Italian - and almost all of them f***d up with their marriages, looking after their children, treating us like family etc. So, I thought if those non Italians did all these things, when how would any non Italian that I go out with be any different?

 

But, I do feel that this negative attitude, along with the mental problems and my fear of stuffing up are stopping me from having a good relationship.

 

And, many of our neighbours are real snobs - I had one recently threatening to dob me in to the Council or smash me in the face just because I was working with some cars on a land of which its owner gave dad the permission to put them. He believes that it's ALL land OWNED BY THE COUNCIL!

[annie24]

yeah, councils can be pains, I know! ours is having some big problems now, ug. they really think they own everything!!!

 

As for the italian women, if that is what you want, what is stopping you? do you want to move to italy? I take it you are an adult (obviously) so I see no reason why you have to discuss your dating choices with your parents, go ask out the Italian ladies.

 

Oh, so it didn't take you 11 years to finish a 4 year degree! you have several degrees, that is great - good job!!! Do you still want to go into medicine? go for it.

[empty_basanette]

Hey hun don't stop yourself it's nothing against men of italian decent, some women now-a-days tend to be very super ficial if you show any sign of being even a little akward they look straight through you because in the media world you don't fit as the "perfect guy" then theres other women whom find how weird you can be intrigueing. if i didn't fall for how weird my fiance was i'd have never known the respecting, romantic man he is.(he too is italian).

as far as your family's views on how your life should be you'll find yourself as nothing but a shadow in their footsteps. if i had listened to my mother i'd have never dated my fiance and i'd have never met my soaring angel of a daughter. follow what you want don't second guess yourself: unless harm is inevitable. you still have a chance to be happy. go wherever you want and look for women who will listen and whom understand you.

[ajaxajax]

Technically, my parents didn't do much wrong. It's just that, for starters, my father can be very domineering and makes everything look like if I rebel against him, then he will force me to pay rent, board etc...even if I'm still his son! If that is the case, I sometimes feel like kicking myself out on the streets for a while - just to show to him that I can be both tough and financially productive!

 

I do want to ask Italian women out, but my family keeps thinking that they are nothing but leeches of their own fathers who keep comparing their boyfriends and husbands to them and then kick them out if they're not like them. What rifiuto (rubbish) is that? I also feel that I'd end up asking the wrong one out - and have them proved right! I've also been isolated from more Italian neighbourhoods - so in my everyday working and studying life, it can get very hard.

 

Empty_basanette, grazie and thank you for destroying your mother's stereotypes about Italian men like me. You obviously sound very happy about how you're going. I do wish all of your immediate family the very best!

 

As for medicine, pharmacy is quite a good job and I'll stay there. I do not want to practice medicine in Australia at least because the doctors "down under" are just too stuck up, they never really accept anyone from a non English speaking background and they put themselves ahead of their patients. My uncle recently died in hospital just because of the doctors putting him in a lying position, where he just couldn't breathe!

[annie24]

I do want to ask Italian women out, but my family keeps thinking that they are nothing but leeches of their own fathers who keep comparing their boyfriends and husbands to them and then kick them out if they're not like them. What rifiuto (rubbish) is that? I also feel that I'd end up asking the wrong one out - and have them proved right! I've also been isolated from more Italian neighbourhoods - so in my everyday working and studying life, it can get very hard.

 

why do you even have to tell them about the women you are dating? simply say, "I'm going out for a few hours, see ya later!"

[ajaxajax]

Annie, my family's full of smart and streetwise people...and will become more curious after I tell them something like that. They always know I have something to hide if I say it like that

[annie24]

Can you move out on your own soon? Is money a problem? can you find a cheap apartment to rent, maybe split it with a roommate? obviously, there comes a point where family can be a hindrance to moving on with your life....

[empty_basanette]

if you can afford it get out on your own. i know how it is to live with some one who can almost just look at you to get you to do what they want. we live with my fiances father in the guest house his fathers business partner lives in the main house. his fathers partner pays nothing to the household. i am jobless right now so my fiance is trying to pay his father 600 dolars a month in rent, plus buying food for his fathers dogs. and buying food for the house hold on occasion. how old are you(if i'm not too bold to ask)??lead your own life make yourself happy be a little selfish for once and make yourself happy please. you sound to me like a good guy a little dis trusting but good.

[ajaxajax]

Empty_basanette, first off, I'm 26. Also, it might be hard for me to move out at this point. But, I have a feeling that I might be doing that when I get a full time job (in 3 1/2 years, I'd get at least US$1,000 per week)...in fact, leaving Australia and not coming back and moving to Italy instead. But, until then, my therapist did suggest for me to get some independence by spending some time (even for a couple of hours) away from everyone I know. So, that appears to be the most sensible thing to do.

 

I'm already starting to feel better after going through therapy though, but because of some irreconcilable differences, I still feel that the clock is ticking for the land of the Crocodile Dundee.