Why cant I /wont I let go?

[phaedrus]

Ok.. here goes. A bit long sorry..

 

I have been married for over 10yrs and have two children aged 8 and 10. I got married young (relatively) around the age of 21. My wife is a few years younger than me and I was her first serious partner.

 

We've had a normal marriage. I've not been unhappy yet not overjoyed either. Stable I guess. My wife is beautifull, kind, thoughtfull, good natured and has always been there for me. I know she loves me. She does all the things you hear about people doing when they are in love (even after 15 yrs). Although I had never thought about leaving her I did feel that I was missing something - something more on a personality level.

 

You see she's never been very confident. I dont know why because she is very pretty. She doesnt relax and have fun much. She's had god knows how many bouts of depression over nearly every job, child birth, friends etc. She has had issues with money too.

 

She's got us into debt (and lied about) it about 3 or 4 times over the years. Then one big one of 6k+ during the last 3 years which she had therapy over. All this was behind my back and I knew she was lying about something which I wrongly guess at being an affair.

 

Anyway.. 2 years ago thats just what I did end up having myself with a girl from work. A colleague who I have been friends with for about 10yrs. We got on really well. Something had always clicked with her and I had always admired her strength and assertiveness.

 

The affair was discovered after a year and a half. Since then I have broken up with the OW about 5 times. Initiated by me and by her. She wont be the OW. I wont cheat on my wife anymore. But we end up talking again and things are 'on'.. then they are 'off'.. rinse repeat.

 

Problem is we click together on so many levels. Its not a sex thing because thats not happened since we were found out. I'm happy around her. She makes me laugh and I'm content. I want that with my wife. I've tried to have that. I dont want to split my family home. But it just doesnt work the same. Can it? If you work hard enough can two people click together and be happy?

 

I cant leave my wife and for the love of god I cant get away from this OW. Leaving work isnt an option in my case because I'm in a niche line and only get paid what I do because I got here through attrition. So I'm stuck. I think about this dilema every minute of every day. I'm not a cake eater. I've had no cake to eat for months.

 

I've thought about councelling. Would a councellor be able to find something in my own head that I cant access. An answer. Its not like I dont know what to do. I have only two options...

 

1) Leave the OW. No contact. Seek, councelling and repair marriage. Dont look back. Hope i can live with wife.

 

2) Leave wife for OW. Possibly life changing for the better or worse. No gaurantee either way or that I wont be in a bedsit in 6 months regretting it all.

 

I cant continue hurting them both. And it is killing them. They both love me which might sound great but I sometimes wish they would just tell me to get lost. They both deserve better. I on the other hand deserve neither of them.

 

How do I choose?

[Zampotne]

Can I ask if you remember how you felt around your wife when the two of you first got together? Maybe you've forgotten that the two of you "got on" just as well as the OW and you do now. It could just be the excitement of something new. There had to be something that made you ask your wife to marry you- you didn't know at the time that she was going to be a good mother, etc. I doubt you asked her because you felt only content with her. Or I could be completely off-- just thought I'd mention it.

[blender]

Yes, go to a therapist to discuss all the issues you are dealing with. As long as you split your heart between these two women BOTH relationships will not be fulfilling. And you can regain your relationship with your wife to full potential but you'd need to focus your energy towards her, doing things that make her happy, and sharing conversation, long drives, taknig her to dinner, doing things as if you were dating her. Right now you are still clinging to the fantasy of the "affair" even if it is just emotional, it's taking a huge amount of your energy and your focus from your wife, and your family. It's a fine line to walk, hanging on to the "girl from work you click with" and also trying to maintain your marriage..instead it's best to give your marriage a chance, put all your energy into your marriage, wife, children, and you will see that you will actually feel better about yourself.

 

Doing the self work involved to heal is going to lead to feeling better and more fulfilled by your marriage. Your marriage is giving you back just what you are willing to put into it. So give it "more". and you will get more in return... and go seek some therapy... it is always helpful to discuss these type of things with an objective professional person. Let us know how you're doing.. and know that you can choose to define your own standards and values and also choose to make the appropriate choices to live within those standards and values. One being that you do not want to "cheat on your wife" so don't, not even in an emotional way.. you can in a kind way let the girl at work know you are trying to focus on your marriage and respectfully that means having less time to indulge in talking to her.

 

Make choices that you yourself would respect. This girl whom you "click" with at work, has not shared the drainging emotional joys and responsiblities of a long marriage, children, in-laws, a shared history of life with you... trust that if she did, you might just be "clicking with someone else" outside of her as well... she's just an "outside relief-escape" more than a true relationship...right?

[Zackinlaw]

Your answer is 1) ... the reason? "[We] have two children aged 8 and 10."

 

So your wife made some mistakes ... but her secrecy over bad financial decisions pales when compared to your marital infidelity. Get your head and heart back with your wife and kids where it belongs!!!

 

Zack.

[Vanishing Girl]

From someone who was in the same situation a few months ago, this is VERY sound advice. Best wishes to you.

[phaedrus]

When we first me I had previously come out of a 5 yr relationship where I had been dumped after my partner left me after seeing someone else behind my back. I had been single 6 months when my wife came along. Her kiss blew my mind.

 

Yes there was chemistry there and there has been ever since. When we make love the magic is still there. Back then she was alot younger and maybe I dont know if I was looking for something more secure after being hurt previously.

[phaedrus]

I need to go home now.. but i will reply tomorrow. I cant use the computer at home because my wife will discover this site and I will loose this outlet and advice if she finds it.

 

Thanks for your replies for now.. I'll update later.

[benga]

I agree with Zack.. You have kids... Think about them as well. See a therapist together. It will help bring back the spark in your relationship with your wife... If this is what you choose, you will need to stay away from your colleague like the plague!!

 

Cheers

Benga