brickheart

Day 5. Today, I'm anxious because I was reading a certain poster's post about how her ex discovered that she's on here. I have a lot of personal details about myself, him, and the relationship... I hope my ex will tell me if he finds my posts, and then we can work it out from there. A, if you're reading this, please don't take it personally - I'm hurting a lot and I'm trying to work things out on paper so I don't go crazy. I still want to be friends once I've healed, and I hope this doesn't get in the way.

Yeah, I know it's a bad idea... but I care about him, you know? And I think he would appreciate my thinking about him. (He still loves me, or at least he did as of Thursday - I'm assuming he's not that quick to get over me.) But of course, I don't know that. And I think it's for the best that I continue with our agreed-upon NC.

Day 4! Uuuugh today is hard... I was at Home Depot and I saw that the patio set my ex has been eying was 50% off. I want to tell him... can I?

Thinking about you again today... in a few hours, it will have been a week since you broke up with me. It feels like so much longer... maybe because we haven't spoken in a few days. I miss you a lot. I wish we could instantly become friends instead of lovers. I wonder if you're thinking about me right now, thinking about our relationship, or whether you're already beginning to forget me. The best would be if you're getting ready to think about reconciliation, about trying harder to make it work.

Day 2... I'm so sad. I just wish I could fast-forward to being healed and not torturing myself wishing he and I could be together. I love him so much, and all I can think about is how good it felt for him to hold me in his arms even with tears pouring down my face (and his) with him saying he loved me. I need to get beyond this, but it's sad to think about losing my first love.

I miss you so much, and it hasn't even been a whole day. It's hardly been 8 hours since I saw you last. But then, I always missed you when we were apart... I don't know if this would be easier if you were a cheater, a liar, or even just didn't care about me anymore. But thinking about how you're at work suffering too just makes me sad. All I want is for you to hold me in your arms for hours, like we did when we first started going out. I am going to miss your touch, your hands on my back (and elsewhere)... why couldn't we be together? I'm not sure whether to write you a birthday card or not. How would you react if I did? You said last night you were almost certainly going to get over me first... Is that true? It almost feels like a race... can we just fix ourselves and be together again? I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.

Day 1... Not sure if this even counts as Day 1, given that we spent the night in each other's arms and I only left when I had to go to work. (Yes, it was a terrible idea... It was the sweetest and most terrible time we've ever had.) But in any case, I'm moving forward, so I'm going to count it. I miss him so much already, even though we've totally gone more days than this without talking. It's just the prospect of thinking about him and not talking to him day in, day out... His birthday is in a few months and I'm already thinking about sending a card, oscillating on whether it's worth it, trying to strike the exact right tone... wondering if by then, he'll be in another relationship and his new girl will be like "what is this ****?!" Man. This is hard.

Day 2. It feels like it's been months... I thought about him practically every 30 seconds yesterday, and I woke up thinking about him today. Just wondering if he's thinking about me and if so, how he's progressed in what we talked about. He's going to message me if and when he stops thinking of how much we used to argue... I don't know how long it will take, but I earnestly hope it won't be too long. I miss him so much. I don't want to lose him, but I've promised him and myself not to contact him first. It makes it easier that I know (think) he'll contact me in the future, but waiting is so painful.

Crap, he sent me an email about his work situation. Not sure if he just wanted to unburden himself or what, but I replied and just encouraged him briefly. Back to Day 1...

Day 1. Well, this kind of counts as a half-day, since I talked to my ex last night and texted him this morning about my expensive designer sunglasses and whether I left them at his house. But if I can make it through 8am on June 21, I will feel victorious. I know I will be a stronger person because of it. I'm not going to wait until tomorrow to start the challenge - I can start from this moment. One thing that makes it easier is that he has said he will contact me in the future if he feels ready to reconcile. That means that I am absolved of the weight I was carrying around last week - wondering, should I take initiative? Am I the only hope for our relationship? I have always known logically that he would be the only one who could reconicile, since he's the one who broke up with me, but it feels good to hear him say it out loud. Now I can work on myself, work on healing, without feeling the niggling feeling that I should have said something. So, June 21, here I come! Then we'll see if I need to start another no-contact challenge at that point.

I'm not hungry. Let's have lunch. (I just want to see you... Tell you I miss you and that I'll do better this time... show you a little at a time that I'm changing. Lunch is a terrible idea and I still want to do it - now maybe you understand how much I want to do this for our relationship.)

I'm not hungry. Let's have lunch. (I just want to see you... Tell you I miss you and that I'll do better this time... show you a little at a time that I'm changing. Lunch is a terrible idea and I still want to do it - now maybe you understand how much I want to do this for our relationship.)

Uuuuuuugh I just texted him about things unrelated to "strictly business." I mentioned wanting to be friendly and... ugh. He's so much stronger than me. I feel SO TERRIBLE. Okay, no more. I feel like I just binged on a jelly-filled doughnut [it's remarkable how NC is just like resisting food with a compulsive eating disorder].

My message... Why are you on OKCupid SO SOON after our breakup? Could you not wait out the weekend? My god... it's like you already forgot me...