Derek

If you don't want the "sex buddy" idea,

then obviously by not allowing sex without some standard of commitment is a good way of showing you are a valuable catch that he will have to work for.

Seems like you already see that.

It's not about "having" someone..

it's about being someone.

...

then you can have all you want.

Your answer is...

YES.

and the reason why is...

What do you have to lose?

Perhaps a little mental trickery to yourself:

Decide now that you are not going to be involved with any woman for a while, say 6 months. Thus every woman you might talk to is nothing special, won't develop into anything, has no pressure, no extra designs, nothing.

Now that the women around you are all like sisters to you...

Force yourself to have conversations with them. You don't need to care what they think of you, whether you'll see them again or anything. You can just be yourself because none of them really matter.

Your first objective is just to have a pleasant conversation, no other pressures, you don't have to be witty or say the right thing every time,

just any conversation is fine.

Your second objective is to just look in their eyes. Open your eyes and look right into them. Force your head to do it, even if it is only for a short while, keep trying to lengthen the time you can stay looking in their eyes directly. (you don't have to have a staring contest though =)

You can even do this for people that pass you on the sidewalk.

Oh yeah, and smile...

Consider having female friendships for now, sure the "friend's zone" is bad for future romance, but that's not your goal, your goal is to get in the habit of being comfortable enough with all women to act naturally(confidently). Later on when back into "date mode" perhaps you could go out with their girl friends.

You are a med student, so think of it as an intellectual experiment to see if you can condition your brain into new habits around the opposite sex.

Then maybe later on you can play "Doctor"...

Guys should try to orgasm on the 3rd or 4th female orgasm, 5th if you have the stamina

I think simultaneous orgasm being the ultimate is a buncha hooey. When you are orgasming, you can't think of much else but the waves of pleasure on yourself, so you can't enjoy what the other person is feeling. Both persons are in their own worlds and can't enjoy each other.

I think it is more exciting to watch the other person than to try to time everything perfectly to make it simultaneous.

I think it makes it too goal oriented, people start thinking they are bad lovers if they don't make it every time. They start to feel pressure to perform perfectly each time, or pressure each other. The guy could have one image flash through his head by mistake and go off too early and then he's done for a while.

A general rule of thumb is I think the woman should plateau and orgasm at least once before the guy even starts to think about letting himself go...

And he should be careful to hold her on her way down the excitement plateau, because she takes a few minutes longer than he does.

Oh yes, to the other question, if he does go off early, usually guys lose their erection for 20 minutes to many hours before they can go again, so if he's done early, then a gentleman always finishes his lady with his hands and mouth of course. Even better if he does that for 20-30 minutes, then his member is ready for some action again.

Girls don't have to rest between orgasms (i.e. a refractory period)

Hope that helps,

hmm, I like the way you expressed yourself AnotherChick,

I think boyhood egos can't handle it, but real men could definitely handle a woman that knows what she wants and is brave enough to say it.

I would like to think that it would be possible for us to dominate each other in different areas rather than it being one sided.

I could dominate you in areas that you let me, and you could dominate me in the areas that I let you.

You asked, what is it that men want? I think it more similar to what women want than they realize. Everyone wants intimacy, true connected-ness, real understanding, intense honesty and acceptance. It takes bravery to be truly honest and vulnerable. It takes self sacrifice as soon as another person is involved. There is no way around it. I think people want a genuine bond, but forget they have to mutually give up some of themselves to the other person to receive what they want.

P.S. I found this interesting about meeting common emotional needs:

link removed

Chesnik posted about 2 stages to attraction, looks coming first, then personality...

Possibly, but you have to wonder, if everyone knows that looks are superficial in our heads, why do we have to be slaves to our biology?

BTW, I think girls sometimes like a guy to look good, but its often more for others to look at than for her to look at. (Meaning having a good looking guy on your arm means higher status because you can hook him)

It would seem that the smart guy or girl would learn to quickly evaluate the person beyond the looks in as short a time as possible. That is all about effective communication in as short a time as possible. (10 minutes to 1 date, to 1 night perhaps)

I think it is insightful to try to figure what was that element that was missing from the happiness of the lady who dumped the "nice guy"

Was it passion? What does that mean? Can passion be learned?

Can it be nurtured and develop from a starting frienship?

Tough situation, but I know you are not alone. Alot of folks would be in the same boat.

You wondered that guys think about sex all the time,

I'd like to think that guys think about sex quickly, but not all the time. They are fast to respond and switch moods when called for.

I think it is very true that at age 30+, with a long relationship (6 years), stress/work and other factors would definitely affect the sex drive. At that age group I think it is more about the brain than the body.

P*rn would certainly dampen things. His expectations would change. Some people embrace it and accept it, other people think that p8rn can

be a nasty addiction if it starts to take up more time and space in his head than real relationships.

I guess the question you are wondering is whether to risk showing distrust to him over your doubts, but you aren't sure if the doubts are coming from yourself and not from him.

You said you have open communication in so many areas, I guess I would say try to lean on that communication level first and listen to him.

Maybe he doesn't realize how complacent things are, perhaps he's too comfortable? I know guys don't like to get sideswiped with "relationship" talk either.

Start a conversation when you are both relaxed and you have time, don't do it when either are mad or tired or watching TV or about to go somewhere. Try to paint how you feel in a vivid picture for him to visualize.

P*rn and low sex drive may be symptoms of something else?

after I graduated, I went back to my highschool with my new boyfriend (who also happened to be one of the best baseball players in the country for a major league baseball team and very cute) and guys and girls were looking at me. The same ones who ignored me before. It feels great. Just be patient sweetheart, you may be walking in that same gym one day with a handsome attorney or hilarously funny architect on your arm. You will come out on top somewhere and even if none of those people are around to see it-

hehe,

Being neither a pro baseball player, nor a handsome attorney or funny architect seems to leave the rest of us Joe Average guys in the dust.

I can do the hilariously funny and handsome part...

I wonder what careers for men are most attractive for women, I may need to go back to school!

Bah!

hehe

interesting... North Americans seem to have a hang up about touch, but it is so important.

Often the woman is the one that does the initial "accidental" touching.

But I wonder, I think it is actually not a bad thing to be "obvious and awkward" to take the initiative and break the ice regarding holding hands thing.

How about when in the movie theatre when the inevitable arm rest question occurs, you say, "you know, I was thinking, I wonder if we are at the stage in this relationship where its ok for us to have our arms in each others and maybe even holding hands. I am all for it, how about you?" *wink*

The worst that could happen is she gets embarrased and says "not yet", you shrug, "ok next time then."

I know some people might be thinking that asking at all is some sort of a taboo, and that you both should just "know". I say baloney.

Cool stuff, I really like the analogy, you write the picture well...

vfunkera's is going up the right path...

Guys more than girls fall into trying to act like the stoic machine that won't be allowed to be emotionally available, let alone emotionally vulnerable.

But really, inside we are all little boys and girls with many personal insecurities.

Would it really have been that bad to admit that yes we are human and we do bleed and hurt like everyone else?

When the girl asks, "why didn't you call",

why can't a guy's answer be, "because I hurt".

Is it so weak to say things like that after all? In some ways it takes alot of guts to be honest about feelings.

Yup, from what you've said, that guy wants to only have things on his terms. Some people could call that kind of guy a playah.

(I have heard some people legitimately say they don't "date" because of all the negative connotations associated with old school dating, they'd rather just "hang out" or "party" with friends in group settings and call

it different terminology than "date")

But because he only wants to meet at your house or his, then he's playing the game to get you in the sack...

So you have to ask yourself, is he worth trying to play his game better than he does. I'd say if he's been a player for years, you won't be able to tame him, just like likely many previous hopefuls have tried. And even if you did tame him, he would always be suspect of reverting and probably a pathetic broken creature in the end.

But if the evil part of you wanted to try to game this situation then...

You could perhaps go over to his place, have him make dinner for you, do all the nicey nicey things for you, and as the night winds down, simply get up and go home playing innocent. You've got to break his view that he is superior to everything else. You've got to get him to see that you think you are worth more than him. (what a mouthful) Basically you need to treat him like crap so he wants you more than himself. (ironic eh?)

Personally I think being real is more productive than playing games and it would be very hard to get to be real after playing games from the start. Seems like a tragedy waiting to happen because of extremely different expectations.

I don't get this idea of lotsa stuff = powerful?

I thought it is about mutual pleasure, not how much of a mess a guy can make on the sheets?

Who cares how big your wet spot is as compared to the next guy?

I understand that porn stars get the big money shots by simply not having sex for 4 days. I bet that will work alot better than eating protein shakes.

*shrug*

Why search the depths of something instead of being satisfied with the surface you ask?

Perhaps it is because all of humanity is searching for the Truth. It seems that we have this tendency to all be looking for why things are the way they are, what is real and what is not to get answers to the question of who we are and why do we exist.

The human animal seems to be the only one on this planet that takes the time to wonder why something hurts instead of being satisfied to just avoid it in the future like most sensible animals would do.

Philosophers, religions and scientists like physicists even after thousands of years are still trying to figure out the Universe, from its beginning down to its smallest part.

I replied in other threads about this...

It is about confidence and the attitude of the guy where he doesn't care what other people think, especially girls, he is going his own way. A self-made man. Though people that go their own way despite the advice of others can be stubborn and stupid too.

Back to the reasons why? I suspect a few things:

You mentioned that these were women in high school and college right?

(22 years old) Well at those times, alot of women still don't know what they want and they want to party still trying to "find themselves" Yes, it is tragic that they reject a "nice guy" that is right under their nose but those same girls will be looking for that "nice guy" after they get into the Real World and realize their Biker Bad Boy or Starving Artist or Rebel Rocker isn't going to give them much of a real future.

You need to find better quality women in new places with similar interests.

Like say women at a climbing wall, or cycling club or hiking group or reading club or whatever... forget the dang bars... especially the university bars.

I think you need to find those diamond's in the rough, those girls that may not be approached all that often. Girls have a legit complaint about how guys that are 4/10 go after the 10/10 girls in the clubs and bypass all the 7/10 and 8/10 girls along the way. Guys miss out on great things when they do that.

So finding better quality women is one thing, second might be, you can't be boring! A dude can be shy and nice and stuff and not be freakin' boring! Have a life. Don't expect to get a girl and then have a life. Have a life on your own BEFORE you get the girl. She wants to see you doing stuff and then she might want to join you on your journey if she is going to the same direction, but if you have no goals or journey or direction, you've got nothing and she knows it! The "bad boy" is doing his own thing and doesn't care if the girl comes or goes... she falls for the illusion that he's going places somehow because of his attitude... As a shy and nice guy, you've got to actually be going to better places than that "bad boy" is pretending to go to. Get it?

Do sports, activities, read, write, cook, family stuff, work stuff, have many varied interests, music, internet, whatever floats your boat.

You'll meet girls while persuing those things that will be pursuing the same as you. There is the trick.

Don't give up, I think it is worth it to go for quality over quantity when it comes to girls, and when it comes to relationships in general. A few close friends does me more good than 30 superficial friends.

hmm,

perhaps find ways to make him feel comfortable enough to be confident with you...

i.e. you can get him alone without interruptions to let him be himself and ask him leading questions and little jokes that may let him try out his initiative on you because you are a safe bet for him...

"you know, if you asked me to lunch, I wouldn't say no."

I've heard that many a happy relationship has come from a woman knowing how to make her man feel powerful, even if he's not...

Funny, the guys talk about being turned on by a girl that can talk and carry a conversation, while usually after 6 months, they seem to often say that the girls talk too much...

Likely the guys want the girls to talk about what GUYS want and to talk how guys talk (to get to the bottomline fast) instead of hearing about girly things and talking around issues until we all feel right about it. (like some girls tend to do =)

...

Turn-ons can be so many things, as people listed before,

How about a person that can be open and honest and willing to grow by sharing with each other...

Oh, and nice smooth skin.

First date Topics to Avoid?

Some people think that things like politics and religion should be avoided?

What about talking about ex's or health issues or sexual positions?

I think there really isn't anything to avoid if the conversation is going really well... but maybe the games need to be played out first?

If the transition into talking about ex's happens, then perhaps you just don't dwell on it too long? What do you think?

What topics should you talk about? Whether they have baggage like kids or a divorce or an 11th toe? The weather? sports? drug and disease free?

What about the second date? After the ice is broken, are all bets off?

I was reading about conversations some more,

This person said that 3 things tell alot about someone.

1. How that person treats other people.

Their compassion for others. How they treat their parents and friends.

2. How that person was treated when they grew up.

Their socio-economic background. Education and family life. How they were or weren't supported.

3. How that person is feeling about themselves now.

Their satisfaction with their life. Their work, their current relationships and if they are where they want to be. How happy they are.

hehe,

It's not always what you say, but how you say it.

Be coy.

ROFL,

Yeah, if they suck in their stomach whenever you walk by... dead giveaway.

It's pretty simple, you may have an attraction if the guy pays attention to you in exclusion to other nearby interests (the game, other girls, TV, friends, PS2). They could do this through eye contact, talking, body language, actions, notes, emails, whatever... then you got the beginnings of something something.

Rare is the guy who talks to the ladies for no apparent reason,

they would tend to be reluctant about talking for talking's sake, though there are some exceptions.

Drumson, dude, you sound bitter about how you see your situation, girls are very good at reading people, and they can detect that attitude you have about them and that attitude you have about yourself.

I think you can help yourself by turning your attitude around.

You've got to just not care about what girls may or may not think for now, and work on being a better man for yourself.

Do things that interest you, experience new things that make you a better person. Stuff like motorcross, skydiving, boarding, volunteering, fitness, coaching disabled kids sports teams, joining clubs, doing a music band, being a DJ, building a house, travelling to exotic places, hiking, canoeing, building killer robots, drawing, tuning cars, whatever floats your boat. Stuff that you can have a passion about.

Once the girls see that you are controlling your own fate, you are doing your own thing no matter what others think, they will want to ride that gravy train with you. They'll be calling you out...

Attraction can be about more than mere looks.

Think about actors like Jack Nicholson, older, not that handsome,

but ladies like them because they have a confident attitude.

People are talking about bi and gay and such, but from what the original poster is saying, this guy is more about voyeurism. Watching porn and watching his girl being satisfied by another guy is about the watching part. He's not about "being" with a guy I believe.

*shrug*

I think a threesome is not really a "relationship-saver" move...

Sounds like the sex issues are symptoms of the relationship. I don't think the threesome or porn or whatever will solve the underlying basic issues of lack of affection and attention with each other. If they are on shift work and rarely see each other, how can any emotional intimacy be maintained?

I think they need to learn better communication to get at deeper issues. Perhaps have more habits of doing stuff (dreams/goals) together as a team and not as two individuals.

But a threesome in general I would think needs a very open/honest/strong relationship, not one with already existing insecurities, and even the open ones could be shaken by it.

I think both people should be in on the choosing of a 3rd partner too if you go that route.

I think if you know your guy likes to watch stuff, then you could accommodate with costumes and roleplaying, home movies, stripping classes, home phone sex and other things that don't require a 3rd party at all.

As always its hard to read between the lines in only a few paragraphs.

Wait one year, then dump him and see how he reacts. He'll either step up, or step down and he wasn't to be in the first place.

Seems like you've fallen for old stereotypes...

Just cuz a guy's got a "thing" doesn't mean he has power,

the woman is the one who has power, because in the end,

she is the one that decides whether a man ever gets sex or not.

While she can have it anytime...

Just because you like one thing or the other doesn't neccessarily define or confine you into the labels of straight or lesbian either. What about bi?

*shrug*

Back to the power thing, guys *seem* to have power because their attitude lets them just assume that they deserve it. While women don't tend to assume that the world revolves around them, but can when they

need to.

I think a woman has much more flexibility than a man in their roles in life.