Derek

Well, looks matter and don't matter in some ways.

Looks are more than just the physical, it can include the way a person carries themselves, how they use what they've got, how they take care of themselves. Even if a guy doesn't have a GQ face, if he pays attention to what he wears/shoes/haircut. Just knowing that you are "paying attention" is what girls like, they don't neccessarily care what you look like.

If your social circles wear such and such (jeans or piercings), you could try to wear ____ (jeans or piercings ) just a tad notch above the rest of them.

But personally I think being yourself and not conforming to the group shows more confidence in yourself in the end.

Making your life an adventure that girls want to join up with is what counts.

You need a life that is interesting enough that girls want to hop onto your gravy train.

Is your life a gravy train yet? No? Then quite worrying about girls and worry about yourself first. If you build a life, the girls will come.

Get some interests that require a bit of interaction with other people if possible. But try more things and get more interests in any case. Even if they aren't all social things. Because the more experiences you collect, the more stories you have to share, the more confidence you'll have in various situations.

Like have you tried para sailing, or kayaking, or biking, or rollerblading, or texas hold em poker, or carpentry classes or cooking or dancing/salsa classes, or perhaps camping or racing dragsters, or tuning and pimping rides, kite flying, surfing, hiking. Many girls would like partners for jogging or hiking/biking. Casual team sports like softball or volleyball might be a start.

Whatever your interests, do them and do them well. Girls like a passionate guy, they like to see a guy be competent at something.

I bet girls were attracted to Ken Jennings once they saw what he was good at and he was excelling at it, even if he is the epitomy of geek-dom.

( Then again now he's worth 2+ million )

You are worrying about what girls think too much. Forget about their opinion for now. Just get out and get collecting more memories and experiences for yourself. Every single one become a part of you, helps you grow and makes you a more interesting and colorful person.

Thems my thoughts yo,

P.S. I forgot to add, if you are shy, the best way to overcome it is practice in steps. Talk to everyone, young and old, smile to everyone, stranger or not. Talk to guys, talk to girls. Learn the art of small talk about light topics. Almost everyone needs that "warm-up" talk about superficial crap to get into the deep stuff you really want to share that you mentioned. Eventually talking to girls within your age bracket who are attrative and potentials should not be as scary as it is now.

It's funny that people based their opinions most solely on their personal experiences.

I don't find it funny at all...

What else are you gonna use to form your own opinions?

If someone says it's fun to jump off a bridge, aren't you gonna try it first and then form your own opinion?

Dude, just practice starting with eye contact and smiles and perhaps the odd "hi".

The sequence might be something like this:

Eye contact would be a 3-5 second look (not too long) in the eyes, then a smile at the 3-4 second mark, perhaps a "hi" if she smiles back or even a raised eyebrow and then a quick look away, then a look back to see if she is still looking or smiling. Then approach with a smile and say:

"Hi there, I noticed we noticed each other, how is the conference going for you", ... , "Yeah?, where you from", ..., "Cool, I'm _______", ... , "Yeah? Me too!!", ... , "No way!, Me too!!", ... blah blah blah...

These are all strangers anyway, you probably won't see them again, nothing wrong with practicing and even getting a few shy girls that immediately look away and never giving you eye contact again. Forget them. They aren't secure enough for you anyway.

Just try it out, what's the worst that could happen?

P.S. Shysoul, if you went out with the girl in question, eventually got married, had kids, would your children be raised in her religion and you would go to her church/institution as a family? (clearly you don't go now)

Ok, so it seems you can make it to the "just talking" stage.

Well, why not in the middle of that part just say,

"Say, I'm having a great time talking with you, we seem to have an easy going conversation, how about I get your number so we can continue this some more sometime."

(Also asking for an email address is easier than a phone number.)

Otherwise, the best bet is to be happy with yourself, seem like you don't need a girl to be happy, be confident, be going somewhere, be doing things, have a life, have interests, do interesting things that you are interested in. (if you are into kayaking, do that and do it well, you might find a kayak chick that will be into you, if you are into motorcycles, do that, and do it well, and you might find a biker chick that will be into you)

You've got to make your life interesting enough for girls to want to get on your life's adventure train with you. If they don't want to get on your gravy train, that is their problem, not yours.

A girl, (or romance itself), is not the answer to fulfilling your life, or making you complete or any of that stuff. They can't answer that question in your life, only you can.

Kinda sounds like he's playing games using techniques from "speed seduction", "fast seduction" and seminars from the like.

Check that out in google.

If a guy has to be act like someone other than himself, "a casanova",

then ya gotta wonder if he really is confident in himself and what he has to offer once all that act is over.

I wonder if using a small vibrator would help get used to the idea of even orgasming together again. No penetration required. You can even have "outercourse" with lots of lubrication.

I hear that the more orgasms that occur, the more libido a woman seems to have... (feedback mechanism)

Maybe other aspects need to be in place to warm up her engine before the other things. Guys seem to forget to warm her up all day or even all week with demonstrations of affection and love for no reason in particular.

Guys seem to think in technical terms that a silver bullet or particular technique or position or magic pill is gonna solve the problem.

Women often have "(w)holistic" problems that interweave and interdepend on each other and they call that the feminine "mystery" which guys can never understand. So, like, are you doing the dishes, cutting the grass, giving her back rubs and foot rubs without sexual expectations. Has she been to a spa lately? Is she depressed, stressed? It could be something not even sexual. Does she like the color of the car? Is one of the ferrets dying? Does she want kids? or not want kids?

A counselor could help steer the thought patterns to clear that up.

Are you saying the American Dream and perfect nuclear family is not fulfilling in reality?

Shocking! =)

Do you have a purpose to your life? That's kinda a bigger question than the one about "I have a toy house, toy car and toy wife, is that all there is?"

It's kinda a spiritual or even religious question that maybe you missed on your way to gathering up all them toys?

Kids aren't always the answer either...

I certainly do believe sex is important, I'm as red blooded as any other man. But I like to think people can do better than mating like the discovery channel. I realize the most mind blowing sex is when the two people are totally at one with each other (or close to) and have an emotional, intellectual and even spiritually intimate connection. The physical part is only one aspect, and that's the part that can be overhyped

And yeah I am a blast!

I'll represent my male gender and say somedays I want to have what my parents have, 40+ years of marriage, 3 kids etc. I'd like to know someone and have someone know me inside and out and we both have each other's interests at heart and we are each other's safe haven from the big bad world. I'd like to have children and I would be a great Dad because I'm a big kid at heart too.

Other days, I wonder, why do I need a woman at all for? I'm already a complete individual, sex is overrated and overhyped in today's society=) emotional intimacy can be found other places, I already have a great family and have friendships and outlets for conversation and my work gives me fulfillment. What's the point?

I am trying to not give up on passion and romance yet though. It is hard work to not be cynical.

(I'm around 30 years old though

Reading books is one thing.

The thing about being funny is having confidence in your own opinion...

Join a drama or acting class, maybe that might be more practical

I dunno what other redeeming qualities this guy has that makes him worthwhile, (a nice car? LOL)

but the things that generally last are things that you already are having troubles with.

Trust and Intimacy(not just sexual) and communication skills about both of those things.

He has already compartmentalized parts of his life off from you.

He doesn't trust you. You don't trust him.

I don't get what's left to stay together for?

If you really love him, you would not enable him to continue his bad habit.

Just like an alcoholic. Calling off the wedding (for now) might be the jolt he needs to get real with himself.

Doesn't this situation sound like the proverbial:

"let the bird go and if it doesn't come back to you, it was never yours to begin with"

He's concerned that her being away will change her and change her opinion of him. That's likely true, but it might be for the better, not neccessarily for the worst.

She's thinking, "do I choose security now and regrets later on or do I choose to risk now and know what I really want later."

Parents are prolly thinking, "sweetie, don't worry about boys yet, go get your degree(s) first so you will be secure in life."

But I am reading much to much into it without any details.

=)

They can't be all bad,

They did go to see Star Wars after all...

You got enough for a house downpayment, yet 200$ / trip is too much?

=)

Why not get engaged now and say, "dear, as we become a team together, I want you to pursue your dreams as well, so you do what you have to do regarding your education."

Her parents will give you points for being so mature, and if she decides to stay, then it's not your fault! hehe.

=)

Is an LDR a good test for being engaged? I dunno.

Maybe there is more to the story though =)

Basically it means you are trying to fill in the blanks with what you think your girl wants and you aren't listening (or won't accept) what she is actually saying.

Maybe you do need to just accept what your girl said at face value, even if you don't know her true motivations and let her go.

If she is really meant to be, then she'll be back and you will be together in the end.

Yo dude,

This is an advice web site. Take it with a grain of salt.

Even the Ph.Ds and doctors don't know everything either.

Medicine keeps changing, new diets all the time, psychology still hasn't figured out people completely yet. Even the "experts" aren't really experts. Just accept the opinion as one person's and there are many others that may think otherwise. Of course all the posters and responders have is a few words on this website to infer the backstory, but they can't help but fill in the blanks with their own experience. And many of the moderators and others have good experience to share. Probably more experience than the PhD's. (Any Joe can become a PhD if they have the money and time to work at it. It doesn't mean your any smarter about life.)

Being so defensive about the idea makes RayKay's case even more that you are dillusional about the state of your relationship and the motivations of your girlfriend.

If you took having sex and having kids out of the equation?

What are the reasons for a relationship between a man and a woman?

What are the reasons for the man?

What are the reasons for the woman?

Is there a difference?

Thinking about this kind of passionate love some more...

Maybe guys need to think about romantic love is a "warrior" context and they might be more into it.

The first poster made me want to "fight" for her heart.

I imagined being the warrior that fights through the mundane stuff of life and reaches a woman's soul in ways that she described.

It made me want to provide for her the means to reach those places and enjoy it together.

Pondering...

Fate will bring us to the dance, but we have to make the choice to dance.

It seems the guy still has to ask the girl to dance first...

=)

I found the first post very interesting.

Makes me think of the "Bad Boy" versus "Nice Guy" dichotomy.

She wants both in one package.

I would think it is easier to coach a fundamentally Nice Guy to have some Bad Boy traits, than it is to change a fundamentally "Bad Boy" into a Nice Guy.

Alot of Nice Guy's probably would find a "Bad Girl" that opens up their passionate side exciting.

I like that idea of thrilling love vs comfort love. Comfort vs passion. Mix of terror and calm.

I tend to fundamentally be a nice guy with some "bad boy" tendencies. I can't even fathom causing "terror" to the women I love. I honestly don't know how to do that. =) But I'm certainly not a doormat either and I have strong opinions about lots of things =)

romantic said:

Can anyone tell me.....Do men exist who are deep, full of life and an aching to love and be loved.....to be known and to be seen...felt, heard...tasted.....AND who want truth and beauty? Who believe that there is more to a connection than just the physical? Who want it all...emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and the sweet ecstasy of passion??

 

Is this real? Or do I have to be hurt to feel intensely? Do I have to settle for bland to be in a safe love? Isn't there ayone who is comfort and passion? Isn't there a mix of terror and calm? Thrilling love and love that is like coming home? Can the two exist in one, and be sweet and right?

Can passion be learned?

Some of this is about the differences between guys and girls. Girls seem to have a more natural tendency to passion. Society tells guys to be strong silent types and some guys interprete that as "stone cold".

Strong doesn't mean emotionless in my books. Silent can mean speaking efficiently, quietly, carefully but directly rather than not talking at all.

Also, I bet the guys she goes out with are giving her what she wants (passion) to get what they want (physical) and they aren't being honest with her or themselves. She would filter those guys out right away if she decided to limit the physical stuff right off the bat.

I liked the way the original writer expressed themselves. I know there are guys out there that could fulfill the wishes she has put down from her heart. Guys have to have the guts to take her on.

pfft,

this guy doesn't sound like he's worth what you are offering. You're cookies are worth more than he's paying.

every guy knows to offer the carrot of a "relationship" to keep getting the sex...

Find perhaps one of those quite shy nice guys and offer him the same deal and you both would be better off.

Hrm,

Sounds like an interesting topic, but I don't think the writing style is all that.

I've seen Hero's posts before and I like to read them, but I like to think that

good writing gets the points accross clearly in as little space as possible.

Let me summarize some ideas in a few short points:

- chivalry means different things to different cultures.

- chivalry is basically being polite, "nice", doing things like opening doors,

giving roses, being romantic, saying poems, etc. (he didn't really define what his assumption was about it.)

- this kind of chivalry is not as effective as people think

- now he compares nice guys, bad boys and good guys (which is a bit different topic than chivalry itself)

- nice guys lose out by being doormats and "supplicating" to women for no return on investment, one of their tools they tend to use is chivalry

- bad boys (jerks) get their selfish desires by being an artificial challenge, they tend to not care about the results thus girls like their "above the fray" attitude, they aren't typically chivalrous.

- good guys fly in between these two extremes and get the more fulfilling result.

- In conclusion, guys should try to be "good guys". ( He kinda didn't conclude about chivalry really)

So the entire post can be summed up perhaps like this:

Guys, to get and keep girls interested, you should be nice to them, but not all the time. =)

I might differ on the base assumption about chilvary being an act of weakness.

I might include things like not breaking up with a girl after she's had a disfiguring

car accident as chilvarous. Things like marrying a girl even though she has cancer and

may die in a year as chilvarous. He didn't even mention taking things that far.

Chilvary doesn't have to be about being weak or a doormat.

Perhaps it is about honouring a person by showing some self sacrifice, even if the

person didn't deserve it. It can come from a place of strength.

Them's my thoughts,

attractiveness fades,

reputations change,

jobs are lost and gained,

accidents happen,

health isn't for sure,

education sometimes doesn't matter,

we don't really have control though we think we do,

Which option would let you get through all those things and still stay together?

Which option values things that lasting and significant no matter how the externals change?

I think switch was saying it right, I think guys want intimacy and connectedness as much as women do. Sure guys respond faster to visual and physical things, but I think making deep love is more meaningful to guys the same as for women.

let me add,

I think for men that when they see their partner enjoying it as much as they do, they feel a sense of accomplishment. They want to be respected as a skilled and excellent lover.

So don't be afraid to express, to be free, to be loud, to be wild, to let go.

The guys think it is all their doing that all that happened and they love it.

(even if it really was just you letting that all happen)

make him feel like the Love Master and he is the only one that can make you go wild. (stroking the ego even if it's not true

The ladies are the gatekeepers sometimes.

Let go the flood gates...

LOL,

don't listen to the previous poster that's trying to pull your chain,

You know why those other guys are "better" at getting the girl than you are? Because they don't spend as much time thinking and analyzing as you do. They may be "less intelligent" but alot of girls at this time in HS don't care about that, they are just in love with having a boyfriend and they don't care who or how smart he is yet.

Do less thinking and more doing.

Being quietly confident in yourself and what you are doing is attractive to girls and guys. Making a great life through activities for yourself is good.

Why not talk to all the girls in your circles, make friends with them all (average/smart/dumb/loopy whatever) don't have any big expectations, just be genuinely curious about how they tick and what they think. Consider it a science experiment where you need to investigate everyone around you and find out what makes them interesting or what interests them.

Then see what falls out of that network of friends naturally.