East4

On 9/2/2021 at 6:50 PM, saifox234 said:

Any time I try to talk to him about it though he just shuts down.

OP, you do the same: any time forum posters try to talk to YOU about your enabling the mooch boyfriend, you just shut down. 

So, with your inability to communicate assertively, it is not a surprise that you are being financially taken advantage of and your precious youth wasted.

It is questionable, if you are unable to comeback with a reply to anonymous people on the internet, if you could muster the courage to speak up for yourself to your boyfriend. *sigh*

19 hours ago, vomer said:

She sometimes takes off for a month or so in the summer to go to the mountain

So, then it is not true that your wife is just a homebody if she mountain hikes for a month.

Reading through your posts it seems like you, vomer, are just looking for an excuse to cheat on your wife, citing biking as an excuse to engage with another woman. This is the most absurd and tragic-comical excuse for cheating/divorce I have ever heard. If you are going through some sort of late mid-life crisis, own it, the problem is on you.

Your husband is an abusive and controlling man, this is why he nearly killed you. It is not the affair that pushed him over the edge. Most men who (sadly) got cheated on, do not batter their wives/girlfriends, no matter how hurt and angry they are. Your husband nearly killed you because he feels entitled to have total control over your life. Up until this point, I guess you have been completely submissive and maleable, so he had no reason to assault you. He felt that you were under his control. 

Now, with the affair he feels stupid and duped and he punished you because his feelings are hurt, but also he is enraged that you are not submissive and controllable anymore. 

It seems that at a ceratin level you "accept" the punishment as justufied and this is a sure sign of an abused woman. DO you understand that you do not deserve to be assualted, whatever cheating you did? Cheating is bad, but you do not deserve broken bones for it.

All posters here on this forum are highly critical of cheaters, it suffices to read through the 'Infidelity' section. But none of the cheathers critics support the idea of a person being killed/battered for having cheated. The two infractions are of totally different scale.

Life is the ultimate good, the most precious one has. No body has the right to take away your life, for a moral mistake. Moral mistakes are corrigeable, but once a person is dead, she is dead and cannot come back to life.

Your husband is very manipulative and shows clear signs of abuser. In one breath he said that he would never hurt you again; and then proceeds to threaten you again with violence, when you refused to disclose your affair partner's address.

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He told me he will never lay a hand on me again.

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 I told him I wasn't going to do it because I don't want no one else getting hurt. Then he said either tell him or there going to be hell to pay for everyone involved. 

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Your husband is lying, he is dangerous and you should alert the authrorities of his continuing threats against you and your affair partner. Else, chances are that your husband will eventually find your affair partner and kill him. And by alerting the police you can prevent that. 
 

OP, now your priority must be your safety, there will be time later on to deal with guilt for your infidelity.

This marriage is over, you cannot return to a man who broke your arm and nose. Nope. Get your head out of the cloud of confusions and drama and get down to practical tasks: paramount is your safety; no more contact with your husband and his family (quit talking to your SIL); press charges for battery and death threat, collect all the evidence, especially the medical records of the physical damage; and file for divorce, there is no going back from what has happened. 

If you return back to your husband, he will sure kill you.

2 hours ago, Usa1ah said:

The courts except a temporary insanity reason for these episodes of violence.

Temporary insanity relies on two premises, neither of which is present in the current case:

1) with temporary insanity, the crime is not premeditated. In this case the physical assault was planned/premeditated, because the OP's husband lured her into a trap. He knew very well that he wanted to physically assault her, hence the invitation to "talk".

2) the perpetrator of the crime in a state of temporary insanity, does not have the mental capacity to comprehend the consequences of his/her actions. In the current case, the husband knew very well that by beating up his wife, he caused her severe physical damage. He proceeded with death threats, which shows that he understands very well the harm he inflicted on OP.

Does not seem to me at all like a case of "snapping" or "temporary insanity". More of a case of entitled husband whose feelings and ego are hurt by his wife's infidelity and he feels justified to assault her like a savage. 

Glad you ended it. 

It is still worth it reporting this creep to the authorities, because :

1) it will establish a police record of the illegal distribution of intimate videi without your consent. Next time he does it, and he will, it will be a recurrent offence. Perhaps another woman before you, has already filed a complaint for the same transgression. 

2) do not assume that the police will do nothing. You may meet the right police officer with enough integrity to take your complaint to heart. 

The police can make this creep and his friends delete all copies of the video and remove it from any website, if they stooped so low to broadcast it. I would not be surprised. 

What this creep is doing, is beyond despicable and is illegal. It is a case of sl** - shaming and there are multiple cases of women taking their lives, as a result of being s**t shamed. 

On 8/22/2021 at 12:39 AM, MB89 said:

3 months after dumping him she met me (I was probably a rebound). I fell in love with her after the first date and I pursued her relentlessly for 5 months until she finally told me that she loved me and we officially became a couple. After 7 months of dating we moved in together in a rented apartment. About a year after that we bought and apartment together, where we still live.

OP, the opening paragraph of your first post speaks volumes about the dynamic of your relationship. And it is not a good dynamic, so the current crisis was coming for a long time, the lockdown just accelerated it.

What happened actually is that you bulldozed this girl to be in relationship with you. If it took you 5 months to relentlessly pursue her and you admit you were a rebound, after the fiasco of her important relationship with her previous ex, it seems that she was, at best, lukewarm about you. As you put it, Finally she accepted to be in relationship with you, because she needed practical and financial support in a foreign country that she has not been adapting to too well, so a lovestruck local following her like a puppy was a good opportunity to get help. The rest of your post also shows that you were financially supporting her all the way through your relationship, even now that she is your ex. 

The fact that you fell for her at the first date, and knowing that men are visual creatures, shows that you fell for her looks, rather than for her personality because at that point you did not know that girl.

To conclude, the scenario of your relationship goes along these lines: an insecure, average looking local guy falls head over heals with a gorgeous foreign girl (is she Eastern European?), that is way above his league in the looks department. He knows he will never be able to get a girlfriend this good looking, she knows she needs help in a foreign country; so she compromises and accepts his relentless advances, not because she loves him, but because she enjoys his support. He pushes through the relationship milestones at the speed of light, because he is insecure and wants to cement the relationship: 7 month mark moving in together (too soon!), 1,5 year mark buying property together (again too soon!, and I am sure you paid for most of it, as at this point she was just figuring her way jobwise, and I doubt she was making a fortune).

She tastes the freedom to have a job and independent income for herself, then COVID hits and she stays home bored all day long, watching her boyfriend excelling at his career. This certainly has created resentment in her. Her boyfriend also starts to criticize her, treat her in a patronizing ways, giving her unsolicited advice until she is totally fed up with him. The dynamics have changed, now he has the upper hand. She feels like a prisoner, being so dependent on him and not happy how he treats her. This is just a speculation, but it is also possible that she might have started talking to a new guy, or who knows her previous ex, while her boyfriend puts long hours at work.

OP, from the start this relationship has only been the result of your insecurity and her need of financial/practical support. The foundation of this relationship was for the wrong reasons, so the results are only natural. 

I'd recommend you sell the joint apartment as soon as possible and part ways with this girl as soon as possible to save your mental/emotional health. The money that you will lose from selling at the low of real estate market, will be an expensive lesson learnt for next relationship to never buy property with a girlfriend, no matter how good looking she is and how desperate you are.

you are not crazy, just coming out of the fog of distorted reality, constructed by your ex.

It will subside after a few months and you will get to see clearly.

Hi Sara, glad that you enjoy the support of family and friends, this is really a safe heaven in situations like that, when a victim of domestic abuse leaves the abuser. Even better you are talking to a shrink.

One very positive thing I noticed in your posts, is that you realise that the abuse was not your fault, and you have done nothing to deserve that. Many victims, right after the break up with an abuser, believe that they are at least partially responsible for being abused, because they angered/ disappointed/hurt the abuser. This is the typical brainwashing that abusers do to the victims to make them believe that the abuse was justified (e.g. "I hit you, because I told you to not talk to male clerks, but you did anyway. You sl*t deserve to be slapped around!").

Probably he is laying low now, thinking that your anger will subside and you will miss him, which will allow him to waltz back in your life. There will be moments of nostalgia and sadness, but the sadness normally comes from the feeling of loneliness and seeing one's dreams crashed and one's time and energy wasted in vain, rather than missing being treated like a slave. Be strong, do not get the bait to talk, see him and be always aware of your surroundings. Get a pepper spray and hook it to your set of keys, like that it is always handy.

If possible, follow the "street lights" rule, i.e. when the street lights turn on, you should be in the safety of your home. Or if you have to go out/return back late in the evening, make sure you are accompanied by a friend/family member.

Alter your daily routine: take different ways to home, leave/return back home at different times, so that in case he stalks you, you will be unpredictable, thus out of his reach.

Well done, Sara.

Congratulations on your courage to leave this sick b****rd. Controlling people amplify their abuse when they see their victims slipping out of their control, so please take all precautions for your safety. I hope you went back to your family and cut all contact with this abusive excuse of a man. Please do not take the bait when he starts circling back with promises for change. He will not change.

If I may ask, what was the last drop that made you break up with him? I hope this time it is for good. Do not go back with him, because every time you go back, it becomes more and more difficult to leave the abuse.

Once again, kudos for your strength to leave your awful ex.

OP, I remember your previous threads in which you were debating whether to marry the Ukrainian lady that you got to know exclusively over the internet with very little face-to-face interaction. Many people were telling you not to marry her, but you went ahead nevertheless. Now you deal with the consequences and you should not be complaining of what you singlehandedly brought on yourself . 

The vast majority  of Russian and Ukrainian women do not merry western man for love, but for a visa and to be financially taken care of. Your case has become part of the statistics.

I'd suggest that you respectfully make the arrangements to dissolve the marriage, unless you enjoy being taken to the cleaners. Do not give your Ukrainian wife alone time with your credit cards.

I do not know the laws of your state, but I recall a poster in your previous thread, saying that even if you divorce your wife, you will still be financially liable for her and her son for a period of time, as she has no other support system in the US. And she may not want to leave the country. So, perhaps better check the rules.

And a last word: do not expect your wife to roll up her sleeves and get a job. For the Russians and Ukrainians, men make the money, women spend them. If I recall correctly, she even told you this straight to your face when you asked her, before starting the visa procedure. 

Agree with another poster that OP overstepped boundaries by policing and demanding a detailed account of his GF's sexual past. I guess, she felt cornered by his inquisition and lied to him, which is a knee-jerk reaction. Nobody is entitled to know anybody's number of sexual relationships, unless the info is volunteered, or is disclosed for health reasons.

OP strikes me like one very insecure, hence controlling man, who uses his GF's past against her and feels entitled to control her from his morally high ground. His morally higher ground is most probably not because of his high ethics (an ethical person does not walk away on their unborn child), but because women did not find him attractive, therefore he stayed in his one toxic relationship.

Also agree that despite her dynamic dating history, he had no problem using her for sex and now is running away like a coward when she is pregnant. 

Posters are solely focusing on her, but OP is the one who decided to stay with her and father a child. I think he has no right to crucify her with judgements and intrusive questions about her past.

10 hours ago, boltnrun said:

He too was having trouble finding a woman to marry so he went to the Philippines and married a much younger woman there. 

Actually this is an idea. Atlguy, would you tell your fiancée that you have decided to move to Ukraine and let her help you settle there, to get to know her culture. And that she will have to help you with residence permit. See, if her interest in you changes, once living in the US would not be an option for her.

If true what she says that she is only with you out of love, then she would embrace to have you living in Ukraine.

22 hours ago, Atlguy said:

Culturally,  we seem to not understand each other's life/expectations and have conflicting ideas about what marriage looks like.  For example, she initially expected me to fully support them while she keeps what she makes for herself and her son. 

Atlguy, is your fiancée Russian? It is in the Russian culture that women expect to be fully financially supported by men, including their children from previous marriages/relationship. This is a big difference in comparison to western mentality and it is not a thing of the past, pretty much expected by the young Russian women too:

https://youtu.be/NWHedf01JEQ

Congratulations on your long and fruitful career. Hope you will not retire from the forum 🙂 

Sipping an espresso while browsing through the forum, is my proposal for a new habit in the morning.