East4

12 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

. We work for the same company which he happens to be a co-owner of, hence I'm in a bind.

OP, if this man is your employer, i.e. in position of authority at work, it will be very difficult for you to establish boundaries, in particular when the boundaries have been already trespassed. So, you are entangled with him not only for the room, but he is also your superior at work and paying you a salary. This is certainly not friendship, but a relationship of dependency. Even if you stop using the room and demand that he quit contacting you, he will still use his authority in the company to harass you. Diplomacy will not help you much.

If I were you, I would start looking for a new job and keep strictly professional relationship with your bosses right from the start. Once you become buddy-buddy with your boss, it is close to impossible to severe ties with them, unilaterally, without repercussions to your job/career.

Regarding the quiet room:  if you live with your parents and siblings, request their support for organising a time schedule that will give you several hours a day quiet time in a room of the house to study. Your parents and siblings are supposed to love you and care about you, if you explain your difficulty nicely, they will be willing to help.

If you live with room mates, again explain your difficulty and ask for their understanding. You can also tell them about the harassment from your boss that you endure because you need a quiet room. Many will be sympathetic to your situation. Or if the room mates do not respond to your request, you can wake up earlier in the morning/stay later in the evening in a room that nobody normally uses to sleep in, like the kitchen. There is a kitchen with a kitchen table where you live, right?

OP, can you explain how this asymetrical "frienship" has started? Because normally frienships form on the basis of shared interests. What is it that you have in common with a much older man (20y), you are from two totally different generations? 

His strong emotional reactions to a totally innocuous event, like texting; instead of calling, attest for his attachment to you; this is why I firstly thought he had a crush on you. Now with the follow-up thread, it seems that indeed he has an attachment to you, but for all the wrong reasons (to punish you for the hurt his ex-wife caused him).

What I am wondering is what is your gain out of this situation, because you seem very adamant in sticking to these unhealthy dynamics. Many young, normal women would be out the door, quickly, at the first sign of his hostility. And you are not. Why are you putting yourself in this weird relationship? At some level, you do realise it is really weird, right?

Have you been raised without a father, or that your father abondened you? Do you think you may have some "daddy" issues, because otherwise I really cannot understand your own attachment and patience with an old damaged man. Do not tell me it is only for the room. There is more than pure material interest.

17 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Followed by "If it is a date it is fine!"

Frankly, you should be annoyed with her patronising ways, instead of analysing everything she says at nauseum. Who is she to you to have the mandate to approve/visa your outings with whoever this might be?

Man, she only does that because she feels you are totally wrapped around her little finger. Please, find some self respect and disengage from this total mind f*ck.

To be honest we often see this scenario playing out with gullible women who allow players and pick-up artists to disrespect them massively. 

It saddens me equally to see a guy in this position. Please, find an ounce of self-respect and disengage from this psych abuse, or else you may spend the next years to recover from her mind games and asking yourself "how did I allow to be treated so badly".

Someone here on the forum wrote something that really applies in this case: "Sometimes one must let go of someone who one desires, to protect the one who one loves." You desire this woman to an extent that you forget to protect yourself, and it shows how little you love yourself. You act against your own well-being (including financial).

This lady is a master manipulator, you cannot beat her at her game. The only thing that would work is to block her on every communication channel and go total NC.

In your previous thread I made the assumption that your "friend" has a crush on you, but after reading your current posting, and in particular this part:

14 hours ago, Tonight.majestic said:

He says he's been burned in the past by his ex who basically drained him off money (tuition, rent, utilities, bills, vacations, etc.). He also said I have many similarities to his ex

it seems that this man's displaced anger of his ex-wife is the reason of his hostility towards you. He is basically re-creating a scenario, where you need what he has and you feel indebted to him. He uses you as a punching bag to act out his unresolved anger to his ex-wife, that he cannot punish for some reason, but he can punish you.

Sorry for this convoluted explanation. In one word, in his head you are a user, like his ex-wife, and this is why he feels free to unload all his anger for her, onto you. 

If not a total nutcase, this man seem to have a lot of pent up anger for women and you are letting yourself being used as his punching bag. His criticism may escalate to something more sinister.

While I understand that a quiet place is important for studying, you really need to severe this arrangement with your "frienemy" and even better sever your ties with him altogether. He is not just a little awkward, or a drama king. Guy has lots of anger for his ex-wife, that has spilled over to a generalised hatred towards women. You cannot reason with him, just run.

His reaction to chastase you is over the top and it is because he has unrequited crush on you. 

The same has happened to me two weeks ago: much older married neighbour that  I sometimes chit-chat with when I run into him and his wife at a local diner, complained that I wasn't being friendly enough last time I was at the diner. I was like what is he talking about? I remember the day in question I swang by to eat dinner after a long day at work and not being in a mood to cook and nodded 'hello' to him and his wife who were busy talking with their friends. To me this suffices as courtesy to neighbours, especially when they are busy with friends and as for me, I enjoy unwinding after a busy day, chewing peacefully my evening meal. 

Next time when I went , neighbour is there without his wife and he comes to my table to give me an angry speech about my keeping to myself the previous time. 

I was laughing, in my head, because I understand very well why he acts like that and nothing to do with my manners. 😅

Similar thing in your situation, OP, and it might be better to distance yourself from this friend. And BTW, what's up with friendship with such huge age difference? What is it that attracts you to this much older friend?

Didn't know it is called emetophobia, so thanks I learned a new word today.

In return I have two examples of how vomiting in the presence of important people is not the end of the world. 

First is when I went on mission with my new boss  and we were sittign next to each other on the flight. The last 30 minutes before landing the airplane endured severe turbulance, shaking, violently moving up and down, it was unbearable for my stomach; and especially after an oppulent dinner I ate at home before the flight, guess what: I filled two paper bags stomach content, right in front of my new boss (first mission together) and there was no hiding possible as we were strapped tight due to turbulence and he was sat next to me. According to you, I should have died with embarassement. Well I didn't 🙂

The morning after the incident, and fortunately happy landing, we had very important meeting with local stakeholders, so my focus was totally on what was going on at the meeting, and the vomiting incident did not even for a second cross my mind. We pulled off a great outcome with my boss from that meeting. I am pretty certain that this is what he remembers as outcome from the mission, not the unpleasant landing the previous evening. We were joking about the rough landing some weeks later, and if you can look at something unpleasant with humour, it does take the edge off from the embarassement/anxiety.

Secondly, when my son came of drinking age, he sure was abusing alcohol with his friends, as he didn't know his limits. He has seen vomitting/and help clean all his friends after too much to drink. And do you think that he stopped being friends with his buddies only because he saw them vomit in his presence? He was joking that all he learned was stay away when the throwing up starts.

So, just go easy on yourself, accept that your body reacts to worry this way, but it is not the end of the world.   

OP, you posted about this Turkish woman who uses you to pay her expensive restaurant meals and show her around town, all the while flirting with other men in your presence. The last I remember you posted on another forum and under another user name, that you have blocked her and ceased communication with her.

Now you are coming under a new name and ask if it is OK to continue be used and disrespected by her? Do you think that just by changing the user name and the forum, you will change the situation?😅

7 hours ago, Guest Anonymous said:

Thank you very much. Do you think just ignoring her (unless she sends me more messages) is also a possible right action to take?

Unfortunately you have taught this lady, that if she persists enough with her harassments of you, you will relent and she can do anything she wants with you.

As other suggested send her a short message that you feel uncomfortable with her invasive behavior, therefore you cease contact. You will have to go hardcore no-contact, even a short further messages from you, will make her escalate the harassment.

Not to scare you, but there is this phenomena Erotomania, that affects mostly young women and can be very persistent (decades duration). Your opening post made me think of it, because when she started chasing you, she has never met you in person, and if all it took to become so obssessed with you, was just looking at your IG, boy, then you have quite a case on your hands.

Or perhaps she had ulterior motive all along, what others said about the x-rated photo shoot.

Can you please detail what sort of a photoshoot that was? 

On a more practical side, now that the friendship has been severed, a torn-off/cut off bag strap can be easily fixed by a shoe repair workshop. Here they can fix anything made of leather, so it is not that your whole bag is to throw away. 

I would not have asked for 250$, the price of a new bag, because yours was not brand new, and as I said the strap can be repaired for a fraction of the bag price. 

After sharing the details I would share your concern over her invasive behavior. She has gone too far with the unwanted contact. Unfortunately you slept with her and in her head it may be that she sees you as her boyfriend. 

With these type of people, cold turkey, is the best line of action. Sent her a text explaining that you do not like her chasing you and you feel harassed and this is why you will stop all contact with her. Then you block and delete and no matter what hooks she throws at you-photos, guilt trips, threats, etc...you simply do not respond.

Hopefully after sometime, she will get tired of harassing you and will leave you in peace.

If she shows up at your home, uni, you file a complaint at the police. 

I honestly can't understand the aggressive reactions from some posters. For some reason, sharing my experiences, triggers them. 

Despite my responsibilities as Air Traffic Controller, arguably one of the most stressful jobs one may have, I have been always able to relax after the end of the shift and be carefree. 

But when my son had an issue, anything, I could never just relax. I guess the emotional connection experienced with a child, is incomparable with the obligation with regards to professional duties. 

Or may be I wasn't a professional enough, if I didn't worry about my job, as much as I worried for my son. 😅😅

On 11/26/2021 at 6:31 PM, itsallgrand said:

I took issue with how you went at dias, implying his opinion is not of equal weight until he has kids. 

This may sound harsh, but making kids requires no particular skills, just the working parts. So I fail to see how impregnating or getting pregnant suddenly makes a person more qualified to weigh in. 

Your experience is valid and it's yours. So is his. 

 

 

Well, I guess if dias took an issue with my posting, he would have said something, unless you have been appointed to speak on his behalf, iag.

Quote

Your experience is valid and it's yours. So is his

The little tiny detail here is that he has no experience in what we were discussing, so how can his experience be valid, if there is no experience at all? If you go back to what I was referring to, it was relating to divorces. As far as I know dias is not married, let alone divorced (good for him). 

I agree with you that the act of conception is rather pleasurable activity and not so laborious 🙂 . The hard part though comes with the childbirth and onwards, the sleepless nights, the constant worry if your child is well fed, healthy, happy and in safety and then, when they grow up, also worries about their education, career and finding a good partner to form their own family. The child is constantly on your mind, you are never free in your thoughts again, like before, as carefree, non-motherly woman. To me this is the hardest part of motherhood, the ultimate sacrifice that a woman is capable of: the sacrifice of your peace of mind, the freedom to think for your own wishes and desires and the luxury to spend your time and money as you see fit.

Husbands may come and go, boyfriends may come and go and careers may come and go. The child is forever. From the first moment my son entered this world, he has not left my thoughts. This is something that can only be felt and experienced, and it is not a pleasant thing. But it is binding. It is impossible to feel that feeling of belonging to your child,  by looking at other women, or by temporarily taking care of somebody's child (as part of profession, or other circumstances).

 I had stood corrected by my own real experiences as a mother: at the start of my marriage I was planning to have three children, the same like you've said iag, it didn't seem to be so complicated to be a mother. Then when I experienced it firsthand, and the toll in took, I had to scale back to being happy with only one child.

 I have not participated in any discussion forum on topics that I have not had any experience: e.g. computer/on-line games, esthetic surgery, or stuff like that. It simply seems inappropriate for me to give opinion/advice on something I do not know first hand. Looks like a sensible approach to me.

On 11/27/2021 at 4:59 AM, Tinydance said:

Zara is great! We actually have it in Australia too. In Australia in regards to paying for dates and other things, it's actually pretty 50/50. Men don't really seem to pay for women anymore, except if it's something small like a coffee. Or basically you take turns paying for dates. So in this sense it does help to have a job if you're a woman! Lol

Hehe didn't know Zara set foot in Australia, the world is becoming one big village.

Dating culture is changing over here in Europe too, in the same direction like the Australian one.

1 hour ago, itsallgrand said:

And the bias... Hell, it popped up in a post of East's. " You can talk about these things once you have kids". Or things like " as a mother... Ahem... Major authority here".

there is no bias, nor authority here, only stating my opinion, based on personal experience as mother. 

9 hours ago, mylolita said:

Hey East!

 

Trust me, with a newborn, a 2 year old and a 3 year old all at home with a husband who works away, I am PLENTY occupied!

 Interesting , you are so occupied, but it takes the time to post postings the size of a Bible and in foreign language...seems like you rather need an intelligent adult conversation, eh? I wrote about it 🙂 there's nothing wrong in admitting that being stay home mom is boring and not enough sometimes. 

As a rule of thumb, when somebody loudly professes something, a bit too loudly, my gut instinct is to not believe it. When one is genuinely happy/fulfilled, one does not need a display in neon lights.

2 hours ago, Tinydance said:

I think it's important for a woman to keep herself occupied and stand on her own two feet. It's not just about money but it's about identity, having self-pride about her achievements and having a life of her own.

Totally agree with that. Women are not put on this planet to just reproduce. There are also other realms of life to conquer. 

Although I love my son, I would admit that after 6 months staying at home with him, I was desperate for an adult, intelligent conversation on topics different than child rearing. Not to mention how annoying he was sometimes ( I understood why there are resorts for adults only, no children admitted 🙂 )

It is also better for kids to have intelligent, accomplished mothers. I see pride in my son's eyes, now he is a young adult, when I hold a conversation on professional topics (he studies in my professional field).

Also, parenting is pretty much leading by example: children copy what they see you do, not what you say they have to do. So, from me he certainly learned ambition, determination and getting the job done. As I think of it, I actually never had to tell him to do his homework. I believe it is because he was seeing his mom completing her work diligently  (and her homework too 🙂). 

3 hours ago, mical said:

Anyways to OPs question I’ll just add i think it’s normal and healthy to wanna make sure your potential partner will be financially ok in the future.

Even if he is not where he wants to be yet, if he’s motivated, has ambition to progress etc then that’s great..

Just healthy and within reason what I see.. 

Would be different if he was making $80,000 a year and that was too low and the minimum requirements are: yacht, villa in Marbella, at least $300,000 salary, big family inheritance, 5 vacations a year... etc etc (Bit of exaggeration)

Back to the OP's question, indeed (and where is OP? That's the first long thread I've seen here, that seems to live a life of its own, with no OP's input).

To me earning power is a reasonable question in regards to a prospective husband. 

It is easier when both people come with similar financial capabilities. As early as at the dating stage, it can breed resentment if only one person pays for all outings, because he/she is wealthier than the other. And it can make the 'beneficiary' feel inadequate (provided he/she is not a mooch).

I remember some years ago went out for several months with a gentleman who was earning better than me. He loved to play golf at, I think, the most prestigious golf-club here. He invited me several times and I gladly obliged, but quickly realised that my normal sneakers did not fit that posh place. The golf shoes that were on offer in this club were priced at 300-400 euros, and I certainly did not want to spend this much on a pair of shoes. I also disliked the pressure to conform and to wear brand clothes, look and speak a certain way. 

We stopped dating, for other reasons too, but I remember the relief to feel well-dressed in Zara (regular dress shops in Europe) shirt and jeans 🙂

Been on the other side too: scaling down to low-cost dates, as the guy was short on cash, when it was his turn. Not cool either. This is why to me equality is best.

I also think that no matter how much her husband earns, a woman should always have her own source of income. It is hard to keep a relationship balanced, if one person is completely financially dependent on the other. 

Adopting a child and rising it entails the same responsiblities as the natural birth, I wouldn't separate the two. Women who voluntarily chose to not having children, are still in the minority.

I have been as well a full time employed mom, so speaking from experience. When my boss was asking me to stay in office till later to finish something urgent, my reply would always be "no, i have to pickup my son from school". In the same situation, my husband at the time would do what his boss said, and tell me to go pick up our son, even it was his turn. Guess who climbed the corporate ladder faster? 🙂

My career took off only after my son went to college (fortunately i was still young). 

Men who take active steps to boost their wive's careers are rare. Isolated cases here and there, but not mainstream.

26 minutes ago, dias said:

Because 50% is fair only when both make relatively the same money, not when one partner has 100 billion more (that he made before she met her anyway). The law is fair only in 1 scenario out of 100000. 

Like a friend used to say marriage is for poor and middle class. Suffice to say he got married first hahaha

As I said, women's contribution to a marriage comes in many ways, not limited to monetary expression. 

While women spend precious time and energy in cleaning, cooking and child rearing, men build their careers. At the time of the divorce, women's contribution is largely overlooked, because many people, like yourself are looking only at the monetary contribution.

Perhaps one day when you father children and you see first hand the amount of effort it would take from your wife to raise these children, you will be better prepared to contribute to the discussion.

13 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

After that many years of marriage you put in enough time and effort and blood , sweat and tears to deserve every penny. 

Exactly my thoughts.

I do not understand some people's thinking that after a divorce women are supposed to leave with just the shirt on her back, after a heavy investment of her time, energy, money and health (because child bearing and rearing does take a toll on women's health).

Melinda Gates took with her the share that she had invested in her marriage.

She was wealthy before marriage, and she has been wealthy after the marriage, there is nothing unusual about that.

19 minutes ago, dias said:

Sure she is smart, it was a costly divorce, she got much more than a bimbo would get. 

Of course. A bimbo would not be able to count passed 1000 😉

If you look at Melinda Gates, she sure looks like a class lady and not like a model. And before marrying Bill Gates, she had accomplished impressive achievements herself. Rumor has it that before proposing, Bill Gates asked her to take several tests to be sure that he would marry a smart, highly intelligent woman. Not a bimbo.

Water seeks its own level. A smart, accomplished and most importantly, self-confident man will look for an equally smart, accomplished and classy lady. 

An insecure, or narcissistic  men will need a bimbo trophy girlfriend to show off with, to assuage his own insecurities and make him feel good about himself. These are habitually the men frequenting the strip clubs. So, drawing general conclusions based on a sample of strip club visitors, is a very limiting and skewed view.

Looking at the US first ladies too, I would recall only one who has been professionally a beauty woman. And you all know that narcissism is her husband's middle name. The other first ladies, are certainly very presentable, but they impress with their class, manners and smartness, rather than with pure looks.

The point is that relying on looks will only get you an initial attraction, but looks alone are not sufficient to sustain a long term relationship that a marriage is. It takes some substance, like accomplishment, wits, intelligence, self-confidence to do that. The marriages, where the woman only contributes with her looks, are either short lived, or toxic, in the sense that the woman's beauty only serves an insecure or narcissistic man to feel good about himself.  

Beauty is only skin deep. And then, passed the honey-moon stage, a couple cannot stay all day long in bed, enjoying pleasures of the flesh. Then what comes to the front is the ability of a woman to hold an engaging conversation, to manage practical tasks, strength of character, when life, or her man throws an unpleasant surprise (men normally do at some point).

Here's an idea for a test:

Text ONLY your family that you are pregnant and you do not know how to tell your boyfriend. Beforehand have a chat f2f with the family members you will message, that the texts will be just to set a trap and they should not tell your boyfriend about it. Do not tell your boyfriend that you are pregnant and carefully observe his behavior.  He would be too stupid to tell you he knows you are pregnant, because he would let on it was him, the harasser.

But he would be unable to indefinitely control his behavior, body language around you, knowing that you were pregnant. It is too much of an important news to leave him indifferent. 

Even better, if you receive a text anyhow commenting that you are pregnant, then it is clear: it is him, or his ex and either one of them were able to get access to your apple account and monitor your communication. It also means that they are still in contact.

Another option if you have the means: hire a PI to follow him. Overlay the timestamps of messages received and the PI observing your bf texting on his phone. If you have more than 5 timestamp coincidences in a month: its him. Say the PI calls you every time he sees your bf texting. If you right then receive one of these disgusting texts: the time coincidence is telling.

As for why he does not simply leave you: he does not want to leave you, because he enjoys this game of cat and mouse (you being the mouse). The control over your emotional state and seeing you squirm and suffer, I guess, gives him a lot of pleasure to know the extent of his control over you. He may as well enjoy very much the duplicity of the comedy he plays, the tears and swearing that it is not him, knowing full well that in a few hours he would send you yet another 'masterpiece' of  mean message. While your confusion and anguish is bewildering for you, to him is a proof that he can do anything he wants with you, manipulate your thoughts and actions. I guess this feels very powerful, although powerful in a sick way.

One thing that you may also try: instigate a fight with your boyfriend and insult him some, but unrelated to the texts. Say, you tell him he sucks in bed lately and he gets off very quickly. If you immediately after receive a barrage of texts that are even more vicious and hurtful than usual, then you must be sure he is punishing you for the fight.

Good luck. This is quite of a sticky situation to deal with and I do not envy you. But with a little bit of strategy, executed in cold-blood, you may turn the game and become the cat. Courage.

She most probably did not want to have sex with you on the morning of her period, women rarely want that as they feel sore already several days before and espacially on the day. She did put out and may felt resentful for sacrificing for you, especially if you were too willing and pushing for it. 

She felt you owned her for her 'sacrifice' of putting out when she didn't want to, so she expected you to do a cut above when her tummy hurt. She obviously didn't feel your help was up a par, so in her mind you were ungrateful. 

This is how I think her internal dialogue went on. Not saying it's OK, her reaction, but you could also be more aware and sensitive to her female clock.