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Posts posted by Fudgie

  1. "It will be different this time" is just your brain trying to rationalize so you can have alcohol again. People do this with a TON of things that they have "fallen off the wagon" with, not just alcohol or drugs. Can also apply to food (especially sugar for sugar addicts), videogames, gambling, etc.

    It won't be different this time because for some people, their brains are just not able to moderate certain things. That's just how you're wired. You're doing the right thing, proud of you.

    • Thanks 1
  2. I do not have a sun allergy but I do have mild rosacea on my face. Sun (direct exposure) can definitely make it flare up and then my skin gets irritated and super red, but it's not a burn as it goes away immediately with going in the shade and using cold compress on my face.

    I am treating my rosacea now through my PCP. I am on the first treatment. Seeing if it gets better and if not, I have a couple more I can try (all topical, I am NOT going on an oral antibiotic, I refuse) before I go to a derm.

    Anyway, I would suggest you do what I do currently: be judicious about sun exposure. I love being outside in good weather but I just put on a lot of sunscreen (I like Neutrogena waterboost kind, wear sunglasses, and a wide-brimmed hat to protect not only my face but my neck (front/back).

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  3. 12 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

    It is still too inconvenient for day trips because you need a Covid test leaving and coming back. Yeah, nah. 

    I will have to check as the time gets closer but I believe I only need a COVID test prior to admittance to Canada but I don't need a test to get back home over the border. Keep in mind, I'm using land crossing, NOT air travel. For Canadians though, yeah, a test both ways, which sucks. 

  4. 23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

    I like how Fudgie evaluated it.  For me too many moving parts and too much dependence on others who are not your child’s other parent - and one who is paid but the reliability factor would be crucial with your new job situation. That plus wacky sleep schedule - not worth it. 
    I’m sorry about the cattiness but wow that child care piece is such a gem - a unicorn to have on-site child care provided by colleagues.  
    So I vote nope. 

    Yep, forgot to mention in my other reply: what happens when you can't get childcare (we know how flaky people can be) during the day for M and you're just too plum exhausted? You'll probably end up having to call off work, then you won't make any $$ that day or even end up losing the job.

    I wonder if you factored in the pay you get at the PT job plus what you would have paid for childcare if you worked PT at another place that didn't provide it...maybe that job would come out on top overall, I don't know. 

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  5. I anticipate a border opening as well. I'm planning a trip for August. I'm fully vaccinated and I can get a test easily before crossing; my insurance covers all that jazz in full and I'll get the results electronically. Fingers crossed. 

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  6. 18 hours ago, Cheetarah said:

    Yes, indeed I have BUT it was before I had M.  I have no idea how my body will respond to it these days with the responsibility of having a kid.  I got used to it quickly before - I did rely on melatonin and stuff, but generally I did fine with it. 

    Yes, he’d be home with me.  So until I could stash away some money for my friends daughter to watch him(about a month), it’d be cat naps.  When I have her(and only through December until she moves), he’d still be here or they may be on an outing together but the goal is for me to get to sleep more than an hour at once.  

    Sounds like you did okay with nights before your son but the fact that he would be home with you while you're trying to sleep. IMHO, it's not a good idea. Cat naps are not enough, and if he's having some behavioral problems/ADHD symptoms, even if he's having a "good day", he could still keep you up for hours on end. Then what?

    I get that the full time job pays a lot more but if you are using $$$ to get someone to watch him during the day so you can sleep, well, that adds up and given the extra stress/toll on you (from not seeing your boy or your partner as much), it may not be worth the extra money, especially once you factor in the babysitting costs.

    If your son was in school, even for part or the day, I'd say yeah, go for it. But right now, it doesn't seem like a good day. I really worry you'll get super sleep deprived. I've known coworkers who have had to this setup (kids at home during day, cat naps only) and it does not end well and it usually doesn't last long. I think it would be torture for even a few months, let alone a YEAR.

    It sounds like you love your current job. Yes, it's PT and doesn't pay much but you like it and they have childcare for M, which is great. Given the worker shortage (well, kind of worker shortage, more like "shortage of workers who are willing to accept slave wages for total fidelity to an employer"), you may be able to find a part time gig elsewhere. Or even not part time, look into maybe "per diem" places, where you're not guaranteed hours but you can pick up some shifts and schedule things ahead of time. If I didn't have to work full time (need my benefits right now), I'd probably go the "per diem" route. It leaves you flexible, you usually get paid a bit more (since the place doesn't have to pay into benefits for you) and you can continue to look for another job in the meantime. 

    Just my $0.02. I hope it all works out. 

    • Like 5
  7. Have you done night shifts before? I'm asking because that's pretty key here. Some people just cannot do them and I get it, I used to work straight nights for years. Would your son be home with you when you're sleeping? 

    I have some other thoughts to share too but I am interested in how you answer my question. 

    • Like 3
  8. somegirl,

    You are being blinded by the potential that you see in him. You really need to work on peeling those glasses off and see him for what he really is, not what you think he could be if he put his mind to it.

    Tons of people have potential: intelligence, raw natural talent, many interests, what have you. It doesn't matter unless they have the ability, desire, drive, and opportunity to actually make something happen. One of the smartest, most well-educated men I've ever met hasn't held a job or made income in decades. He can run circles around people in conversations, reads 1-2+ books per week, and writes - very well too. Intelligence and talent does not always materialize into that real-world success.

    Right now, when you envision a future with him, you are seeing him find a career he likes, going back to school, getting a good job, etc. However, this is all an illusion because you're only seeing perceived potential. His actions are not in line with that. It's not like he's in school, doing well for a career that will pay well. He is not wanting to go back to school and keeps frittering time away on day trading. 

    You really need to take off your rosy glasses here.

    Years ago, I too used to fall in love more with the potential I saw in a man. It's a trap that many women fall into. Don't let yourself fall into it and get yolked to a guy with marriage/kids/mortgage so you can feel stuck just a matter of years in the future and go "Hey why didn't he do x y z". Well, he never was going to. 

    Love a man for who he is now, in the present, not for what he was in the past or for what you hope he will be. 

    • Like 2
  9. 5 hours ago, Batya33 said:

    Wow!  I had no idea about the nurse- freeloader connection.  Makes sense.  I am not a nurse but especially given the OPs age I’m sure it’s very helpful info 

    I think it's for 2 main reasons: 1.) Nurses, depending on what you do, can really make bank and 2.) nurses, generally speaking, are thought to be caring, nice individuals with soft hearts. Now, I think this is largely a stereotype (and one I don't like, personally) but experience has taught me that a large portion of nurses, particularly female ones, can be sort of the bleeding-heart types at least in the beginning, before clinical practice makes them cynical. I think that's just the nature of the field and the sort of people it can attract.

    Add these two reasons together and yeah, female nurses are freaking freeloader magnets. My coworkers can attest to that too. 

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  10. Curious, you pay rent now but you balk at the idea of moving out to a different complex, due to high renting costs. I'm assuming this means that the rent you pay now is substancially less than what most renters pay in your area? 

    Legally speaking, do you have a lease with your mom? Or just a verbal agreement with her that you'll live in x apartment and pay x amount per month? I don't know the laws of your state but you may have some tenant rights that would protect you from being evicted by your mom. I am not sure; I am not a lawyer. I suggest you look into your local community resources, even going down to your local courthouse, and asking for information on renters' rights that are relevant to you.

    Unfortunately, you're in between a rock and a hard place. You do have a couple options, some better than others, just laying them out.

    1.) Acquiese your mom by going to rehab. When done, you can either come back and stay sober, maybe find a job, or go back to your old ways. Up to you.

    2.) Look into the legal route that I mentioned. If you have tenant rights in your area, you can dig your heels in the dirt and force her to take more drastic measures. This may really hurt your relationship with your mom and you may eventually lose (get evicted anyway). 

    3.) Get a job, move out to a place that is inevitably more expensive. Continue to work to pay the rent.

    4.) Don't get a job, move out anyway, either rent a room in someone's house (much cheaper than an apartment) or couch surf for a while with friends. Couch surfing may burn bridges with friends over the long term, and you may not find a room to rent or HATE doing it. 


    What are you inclined to do now? 

    • Like 1
  11. I agree with MissCanuck - he very clearly doesn't want to go to school. These endless excuses are just that, excuses. Perhaps he is reluctant to tell you his true feelings or maybe he's not even really aware of them himself. However, it's clear that school is not on his radar. 

    He needs to figure out what he will do with his life. You can't do that for him or even "help", it's really something he has to do himself. You can't give someone that kind of motivation either.

    But from one nurse to another (future) one, let me tell you something: nurses are magnets for freeloaders. It's a career that is usually paid very well (if you work in the right places) and tons of opportunity for advancement/further education. If you have the desire to work a lot of OT, you'll rack up a lot of money quickly - I know a few nurses who have made $100k+ from working a ton of OT.

    That said, I know many nurses who are the breadwinners and it's very easy to fall into situations where you're bank-rolling a guy who doesn't pull his weight. It's so easy to say "well, I'm on overtime this week already, what's another shift when I'm making $60+/hr?"

    You see what I mean? Why would you consider this relationship when 1) it's clearly failed before, hence why he's an ex 2) you're having to push him/mother him (stop that) and 3) when you're a nurse, you're be a hot commodity on the dating market in terms of career. 

    Your misgivings are your brain's way of saying "NO THIS IS A BAD IDEA". Heed it. Don't make a mistake that I've seen so many women fall into. You want an equally yolked partner? This guy ain't it. Don't invest further. 

    • Like 3
  12. Two things jumped out at me:

    1) He basically asked what you would do if he attempted to rape you. Of course he didn't like your "no means no at the first no" bit - that's not very amenable to being raped.

    2) No one has mentioned this yet but I will. You mention that you both have a strong, deep faith, right? You bring up church and going to church with him and he says "What if my faith is fake?"

    Look, I'm not a religious person at all but that gave me the heebie-jeebies. This is a man who has at least admitted the possibility that he has feigned religious beliefs in order to manipulate you. If that doesn't make you want to run, I don't know what will. 

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  13. forever,

    Just because a relationship is toxic doesn't mean that you don't love the guy. You do! It doesn't mean that you should stay (sounds like you're making a good choice) but it means that you care for him. Leaving a relationship, even if it's the best thing for you or even both parties, is hard and causes hurt feelings. When you love someone, you don't want to hurt them, and that's where the guilt comes from.

    As Lambert said: feelings are feelings. Feelings do not have to lead to action. You are human and you have one of the most advanced brains in the animal kingdom - you don't have to live by feelings, instinct, etc. (although some people still do). You can reason it out, see where it comes from, and tell yourself that you're making the right choice. Many right choices still come with losses and conflicting feelings. And that's okay. If it's the right thing to do, you will work it out over time.

    Good luck to you. 

    • Like 2
  14. You are right, LaHermes. It does vary from continent to continent, age too. I guess I should have specified, I was speaking more about the US, where I'm from. I'm not sure if other countries are seeing similar trends but in the US, more and more people are having less sex.

    Now, that does not translate to "being less sexual". Perhaps porn and toy use is up. But people are reporting substancially less intercourse compared to years ago.

    Here's a link to a study within a medical journal. Time frame used was 2000-2018, so this predates the pandemic, which I'm sure tanked sex and romance for tons of people, myself included to some degree.

    When I was in college and even for a few years out of college, I definitely saw people screwing everything that moves. Hell, I know some people who still do. I used to work with a guy who now has, I kid you not, 8 young children with like 5 different women. I don't even know how he manages to get all that tail and he's in his late 30s too. 

    However, IME, he's the exception to the rule. I've noticed a marked difference upon entering my 30s, at least where I live. I see a lot less "screwing around" by those my age, although yes, it still happens. Why this is, I think it varies from person to person and their own individual life experiences.

    • Like 1
  15. I agree Tiny, think it's easier for us women to get laid than it is for men. Of course, that's assuming rock-bottom standards or no standards at all. Finding someone decent is hard for anyone, regardless of sex.

    I lost my virginity at ~19 years old. My "body count" is not much, 5 total, and compared to a lot of my friends I have not had that much sex. However, in a few of my relationships, I had a TON of sex (almost daily) but not for every relationship. I believe in quality over quantity.

    Actually, one of my closer friends, she has slept with 100+ guys (mostly ONS) and we both agree, I have a higher sex drive overall. 

    It varies so much. I firmly believe, you cannot just look at someone's "body count" or length of time spent without sex to make accurate determination of sex drive, promiscuity, etc. 

    • Like 3
  16. I can't say I agree with "Unsure" (and not just because I like virgin guys, lol).

    It is becoming more common (statistically) for people in their 20s and 30s to put off having sex or just to have less sex. People are getting married/having kids later and later in life. Not sure if you're into porn (I sure am), but there is a TON of good, free content out there to sate anyone. 

    Not having sex does not mean, necessarily, that someone has a low drive. People put it off due to low confidence, educational aspirations, multitude of reasons. And honestly, porn is awesome for those like myself who have been abstaining for years (going on 3y now). Those who want to "sow their oats" will show signs of wanting to do so even before sex, IME. 

    First-time sex (virgin or not) is always going to be a little awkward. It's a new experience with a new person.  

    • Like 1
  17. 1 minute ago, Tinydance said:

    Looolll Well I  don't really have a thing for virgins so I think I'm looking on it as a bit of a hurdle lol Hopefully that feeling will soon pass though lol

    Just ignore me, lol. I clearly have a thing. And yes, the feeling will pass, I'm sure. If things continue to go well and you two are intimate, then it's a non-issue!

    • Like 1
  18. 3 minutes ago, Tinydance said:

    Ha ha Thanks Fudgie. My feelings about virgins is they make me a bit nervous lol I just feel like I really need to blow their mind, you know? Whereas when I'm with someone who's not a virgin I don't really think about it and just totally go with the flow. If that makes sense lol

    Haha, yeah I get you. I mean, if you look at it this way, guys who aren't virgins have had sex so they have an idea of how it's going to go. They are more likely to have expectations. A virgin guy has NONE. This is totally new to him and it's going to be awesome for him. You don't need to "blow his mind" because his mind is going to be blown no matter what you do! It's his first time, after all. 

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  19. 11 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

    I was 19 and my boyfriend was 20. He was a virgin. We just did it when we felt like it. He was delighted! 

    Please do curb the drinking, however. It's a crutch. Plus, you want him to remember his first time, right?

    It's true. I would curb the drinking before his first time, 2 drinks per person max. A little buzzed is fine but you don't want more than that. Keep in mind too that for many guys, whiskey d___k (ED brought on by alchohol intoxication) is a very real thing, especially in cases like these, where it's his first time.

    The experience of deflowering awkward, nerdy virgin guys who are a bit on the "older" end and are all sorts of worried about it, needing a dominant woman to guide them a little is the best. I'm honestly jealous, haha 😃

    Yes, I know how weird/creepy I sound, I don't even care! Haha

    • Like 2
    • Haha 1
  20. 3 minutes ago, dias said:


    Dude, it's true! If a guy is a virgin, that's a plus in my book. I'd rather a guy be a virgin than have a sordid sexual history with Lord knows what. 

    • Like 2
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