luminousone

My son graduated from high school tonight! So proud of him!

I forgot to add that my ex came by to get his graduation tickets from me and he said he is getting ready to move in with his gf. They have been together for 3 years. But she is vetoing much of his furniture from coming into her house. She just doesn't like how old it is, but he is "thrifty" and refuses to buy new. I wonder if the move in will happen...

It's a beautiful sun-shiny day here this morning! All of the birds in the neighborhood seemed to be full of song this morning! My son had a really nice graduation ceremony for his school program last night. They spoke about each of the students as they graduated, and it was amazing to hear what each student did for their senior paper and where they are going next. His regular graduation is on Thursday. So he still has classes and he still has tons of work to turn in this week. As far as the refinance, my ex looked at my options. I was going to wait and try again later, but he thought that I should just go ahead with the one that had slightly higher rates. At this point I am more money strapped than I ever have been, due to some higher insurance rates and higher costs, so I decided to just get the other mortgage and be done with it. There is a certain level of closure to having my ex's name off the mortgage. I still have not heard anything about the jobs I applied for. Not even acknowledgement that they received my application and resume. I am not surprised, but it would be nice to at least get a form letter so I know it was received. I am going to send an email to check in with them to make sure they received it, and to say how interested I am in the position. And then I have to let it go.

Feeling a bit slumpy today. In the process of refinancing the mortgage, they approved mt loan and were simply waiting for the results of the appraisal. The loan broker was so confidant that the market had turned around and that I had equity in the house, and he had rattled off a number if comps to support his theory. So I paid the $550 for the appraisal, and I didn't have enough equity for the loan. Ack! The only way it would work would be for me to pay mortgage insurance -$130 per month. That would essentially make my payment the same as now. However it would put the mortgage under my own name rather than my ex husband's. He didn't mind having it under his name still for a while, but it complicates things for him if he wants to sell his current house and buy another. And it sounds like that is in the plans. I have also been overwhelmed by other obligations for committees I am on- all good and important causes. But I somehow over booked myself. I need to step back and learn how to say no to new obligations. I applied for a few new jobs. I have not heard whether they received my application and letters of recommendation. But I have a friend that had applied for a different position a few months ago and they didn't acknowledge having received her application for a few weeks. She emailed them to ask if they received her app and all she got was a curt reply that yes, they had received her application with no other information. So my friend, who lives out of town, asked me what I thought. I was working on a temporary project with the woman in charge of coordinating the search team, and I observed how snowed under she was with her regular work along with some crucial temporary projects that had looming deadlines. And somehow she had to fit in the employment search team on top of all of that. So that explained the curt response. But- I knew that my friend would be a great fit for the new position- she had worked there before and had left for a better paying position in another part of the state. She decided to move back to this city. The employment coordinator does not know my friend, because she started her job after my friend had already left. I thought my friend had a good chance at the job- unless they held a grudge that she had left. But I also know 2 other very competent women who are currently working there and who were also applying for the same position. I told my friend that, so she would understand the tight competition. What I did not tell my friend was that I thought one person in particular would get the position, since she has been part time in an assistant position but is really a certified teacher and a great one. None of them got the job! They chose someone completely different! We are all shocked! So now that brings me to the job I am trying for. My degree is in a peripherally related field, but I am a sub for the positions I am applying for. I tried last year for one position and thought it was a slam dunk. But they hired someone else. They asked if I would still be interested in substituting when needed and I said yes. Now I have another year of subbing experience under my belt and they have two of the same positions open. So I applied for each of them. I am hopeful, but I realize that they have so many people applying that they will likely not choose me- not anything against me, but they have the luxury of being able to pick and choose among applicants that are over qualified who are simply trying to get their foot in the door. We will see. I could surely use the money and health benefits- plus I really enjoy working there and would line it to be more permanent rather than on call. In the meantime I am still nudging my sons to get their homework done and turned in. Next week is the last full week of school for my younger son. My older son has two graduation creremonies this week! One is for graduation from the international high school program, and then later in the week he graduates from his regular high school program. He has been trying to get his late schoolwork done and turned in- it is not like he can put it off until later and just get an incomplete. He is down to the wire! My younger son's weekly grade report came via email last night and he has 6 language arts assignments that have not been turned in from the last two weeks and I am not happy! I am so ready for summer where we can relax and just be... Haven't heard how my niece is doing, but I did send her a card with a note written inside. It was one with a painting of a butterfly on the front- very appropriate since she is going through counseling and rehab. I think she will enjoy hearing from me. In all of her hospitalizations my brother has never asked me to write to her, so I know he must have been shaken up this time around. I am so glad she is alive. After I wrote her the note I addressed it and sealed it into the envelope. And then I held the envelope in my hands and prayed that the note take some sunshine and hope and most of all love to my niece. I prayed that she be healed and filled with strength and hope, and that she be guided to make healthy choices and for her to choose life. It went out in the mail yesterday. Ugh. This morning I have to pay bills and I really have no money to do that. I really need that job!

Just found out my niece is in the hospital again. She tried to commit suicide by taking a bunch if pills. So glad it didn't work! She is so bright and sweet and talented, and yet tormented by depression... Saying prayers for my niece, my brother, and his family.

Phew- had the house appraisal yesterday which involved much cleaning beforehand. It's nice to have a clean house! Once school is out I am going to get my sons to help me clear out some stuff and we will have a garage sale. I got all my letters of recommendation so I went ahead and submitted my résumé for a job as a classroom assistant. We will see if I get the job. I applied there last year and thought I would get the job but they hired someone with teaching credentials for the assistant position. Such is life in this economy. We will see...

Not much going on around here except end of the school year stuff. My son graduates in a few weeks but he has much schoolwork to get done beforehand. The tenants rent check bounced this week so I am a little worried about money but hopefully he will take care of it soon. I am applying for a job next week but it doesn't start until the fall - but I hope to get it. It would be nice to have more financial freedom. In the meantime I am thankful for my health and a roof over my head and 2 sons that continually challenge me to grow, and 2 very sweet cats...

Last week I got to hear/see the Dalai Lama speak. The whole stadium was almost filled with people of all ages and all different kinds of people. It was interesting to see who would show up! It was a sports arena and my tickets were in the nosebleed section- and the seat arrangements and steps were do steep it made me a bit dizzy. I held the handrail for dear life when on the stairs! The seats I got were very close to the Dalai Lama except way high above him- and we had a very nice view of the back of his head! However they did show him as he was speaking on a screen. He is a very humble man with a sense of humor. He spoke about world peace and unity of mankind. He said that if we want peace in the world we must start with peace within ourselves. He had all children stand up to be seen, and then spoke to them- saying how important it will be for them to change the world to undo many of the problems the older generation has brought to the world. Such as violence and war and bombs. He also talked about the importance of mothers. And how important it is for parents to love their children and spend time with them and be very affectionate with them. I will post more but my notes are on my phone and of course I'm using my phone right now so I can't access them.

Got my papers turned in for the refinance. Hope it goes through... Tomorrow is my youngest's 13th birthday! Sheesh, I will have 2 teens in the house. My grocery bill already reflects it, and the mood swings around here are getting a bit intense again. But - they are both doing okay in school, and they have great solid friends! What more can a mom ask for...

Another beautiful sunny day here! Many errands to run- I have to turn in all of the documents for the mortgage refinance, deliver some other forms to my employer's accountant, buy cat food, etc And then home to do major cleaning! They will be doing an appraisal, so I need to be ready for that. Plus I have company coming in from out of town because we get to go see the Dalai Lama speak this weekend! Busy busy with mundane life stuff... Waiting for summer when life settles down into a different pace Now- Back to work!

It was a hot day here today- when I got in my car after church, the thermometer said it was almost 90 and it was even hotter in the car! I came home and had lunch then I intended to go grocery shopping and do some errands but -- after church and then a meeting I got very tired. And then I had another meeting tonight. Strangely I am wide awake now... The boys are home from their dads. Good to have them home for the week! Tomorrow I have many errands to run so I programmed reminders into my phone. I am refining my house and it seems they need a truckload of documents. The title company informed me that the legal transfer of the house to me was done incorrectly- it had a typo on the lot description. So now we have to re-file it through the courts... My ex had had a lawyer do it for him for free and I unfortunately did not proofread it enough. They typed the wrong block number on there. So there goes a few hundred dollars down the drain... But it is good they caught it now.

Whew! Got the backyard mowed and now both yard debris bins are full! Made my younger son help me- he was grounded for a few poor choices yesterday... My older son went to the prom tonight with some friends. I had to drive him over to a friend's house and he originally said I wasn't allowed to take pictures. But other parents were doing the same. They were all so cute and handsome! Nice kids-I am so glad he has such nice friends. Interesting though- his old gf was there with a bf. My son went out with her for a year 3 years ago. Now they are seniors at different schools so they rarely see each other. But neither seemed like it bothered them. And I doubt her current bf knew about their history... He really fussed getting ready with the tuxedo. We had to google info on how to wear the vest and suspenders, lol. So handsome! I am very thankful the prom happened on a week when he was at my house and not his dads or I would have missed it! But I got pics if my ex wants to see...

Still working on cleaning up my house, and I signed the refinance papers today. Tomorrow I will work out in the yard with my younger son, then in the afternoon we will come in to reorganize the house. What a beautiful pleasant day it was here. Walking around I could smell the sweet fragrance of spring blossoms.

So very busy but I am hopefully going to have a few days off. Tomorrow I hope to have some "me" time...

A busy past few days, with meetings and special dinners and work and vet appointment for the cat. Yesterday I felt like supermom as I dashed from work to the store, then home to photocopy a newsletter, then back to school to pick up my son who was jogging with the running club, over to my exes house so son could feed the cat while he is gone, home to my house to take the cat to the vet, pick up other son from school, home to heat up dinner, off to a scout ceremony with the boys. Somehow I pulled it off! Today is a little better, but one son has a special dinner honoring one of his teachers, and I have a meeting after work. I had taken my cat to the vet because her skin got all crusty on her head and in her ears. She is so uncomfortable but they don't know what is causing it. I changed her food to some that does not have gluten in it (Blue Buffslo) and it seems as though that improved it but now it started back. The vet did a culture for fungus and that turned out negative. So now she is on steroids for a bit and that seems to be helping some, but not as dramatically as one would have expected. They wanted to do a biopsy for about $700 but I declined- I don't have the money and I still have a $900 medical bill for myself to pay.... And, I think it is more allergy related than cancer. She is such a happy sweet thing and I hope we figure this out soon...

This morning the stray cat let himself in and my cat was chirping at him, so I know they have begun the bonding process. My sons have named him "Rabo", I guess because of his short stubby tail. My older son says that is Spanish for a rabbit tail... Still working on cleaning up the house - a work in progress. I have the kitchen almost done and will start on the living room next. Had a great talk with my almost 13 year old about taking initiative for things and about responsibility. Rather than having him depend on me for reminding him about homework and other priorities, I want it to come from him. He was mad at me this morning because he had done some assignments but had not turned them in. Of course, he got no credit on the computer grades program, so I told him he couldn't go meet with his friends. After he calmed down, he finally agreed that he will improve in the future and now he knows I am serious about it all. I am hoping this is a turning point in his life - I hope to see him taking charge of his own responsibilities soon! Thankful today for a thoughtful talk, for resolution in Boston so my family can begin to heal from the fear and stress and terror, for blooming spring flowers, for 2 nice cats, for my church community, for my 2 sons, and for my extended family.

Whew! Made it through a week of proctoring the state test for kids... Still thankful my sister, cousin, and niece are safe in Boston. It has been an emotionally draining experience for them - especially because my sister and cousin would have likely been killed if the bomb had been stronger... since they were in close proximity. On a different note, my son has texted me to say that he asked his "best friend" to the prom. They have been best friends since the 2nd grade... He texted me saying that he needs to figure out what to wear by next Saturday - on a budget. Lol, I told him I am no expert, but that his uncle wore a bright purple crushed velvet tux in the 70's as a joke... and his date was not amused... He graduates in a month, and he told me last week he started learning Japanese... I told him I want him to focus on graduating, not starting something new!!! Oh how I look forward to the end of this school year. My hair is gray, but he is going to turn it grayer!!! Trying to clean my house, clear out the excess clutter, and get organized. This will take discipline! But I have to refinance the house to put the mortgage in my name, and that means they will do an appraisal. And, well, it would be a bit embarrassing. Time to do some spring cleaning! In the meantime, I have not seen my visiting stray cat lately - and I do miss him... The weather has been nice, so I suppose he is out taking advantage of it. Last week he brought in a live mouse. (Maybe I already wrote that here). I don't miss that part... Full of gratitude for: the lilac blooms, the cherry blossoms, my sons, a chance to work with kids this week, my family's safety and well being, my healing heart, my church family, and my cats.

I had a funny thing happen to me today. I am feeling ever so much better- I had muscle spasms for nearly a week and I was about to go to the doctor. But then thought I would try some magnesium citrate with my calcium just to see if I was out of balance. That did the trick! I slept better yesterday. Finally. Today I apparently fell asleep after dinner and I woke with a start- it was light out, and I must have slept so hard because I was quite disoriented. In fact I looked at the clock and thought I was late to work so I was running around to find something to wear. And then I thought to check my phone to see if it was am or pm just to make sure! Sheesh! It was p.m. I was so sleep deprived this week that it might take me a bit to catch up... Lol... This evening I dug through some boxes to find baby pics of my oldest, who is graduating from high school. We are going to a scholarship dinner and they asked for pics. I am to the point where I can look through old pics of my ex without the grief. My heart is healing.

Oh and I forgot to say that I am very grateful to hear that my sister and niece and cousin are all okay after the bombing. My sis and cousin were in a building that had to be evacuated because of the bomb. My sister had to walk home without her purse or phone or keys-all the way to her home in the suburbs. I don't know if she went to work today, but I know that many hearts, far and near, will need to go through a healing process. Another note- someone took a picture of our church with a rainbow overhead. How fitting, because we are an open and affirming congregation! Beautiful pic...

So struggling with both my sons. Trying to get one through his last month of high school. The other will turn 13 in a few weeks, and hormones have hit! Crazy times... They are great kids, but this is an intense time for each- and I can't let up on my parenting for one minute. I wish their dad would keep up his parenting diligence too... On another note, I have had terrible muscle spasms for three days. I could not sleep because I was so uncomfortable. I have been taking ibuprofen and that has barely touched it. But yesterday I remembered a friend had the same issue when visiting me and she went and bought some magnesium citrate supplements. So I got some today and took one at dinner. And then fell asleep until midnight! Wow! I guess my body was out of balance!

Someone posted about how their bf had shoved them and then later had slapped them in anger, and they wanted know if it would get worse. It reminded me of my marriage. I was with him for 21 years, and early on he shoved me in an argument. I told him that if he ever put his hands on me again that I would leave him, even if I loved him. He knew I was serious, so that never happened again. But the anger dysfunction remained throughout our marriage and while I was able to set boundaries around physical abuse, I was less able to recognize and set boundaries around the mental abuse and his twisted thinking. I tried, but he really only conceded he was wrong in one argument that whole time. He was fierce and competitive. He said he was sorry only once ever. Whenever I knew I was right, I also refused to back down. But he always seemed to twist things around to blame things in me, and we would then argue about that too. While he never shoved me again, his anger was so fierce that he might throw a chair, or put a hole in the wall. It only happened a few times, but my kids and I worked very hard to make sure we didn't set him off. So, the anger may not have happened very often- maybe once a year or even less frequent. But we all knew the potential was there, along with the mental abuse. We walked on eggshells, avoiding the conflict as much as possible. It is so easy when your marriage fails, to romanticize the relationship and the person that is gone. You grieve for the wonderful things you miss, and indeed there were some wonderful times. But there were dark times too, and I had forgotten. It is a relief to be out from under his dysfunction. He never would admit to himself his issues, even when our counselors told him. He always twisted it around that they were wrong too. But what is interesting is that once he left our marriage, he actually started up individual counseling. Finally. And as far as I know, he has continued it for the past 4 years. Sad that he couldn't do it for our marriage. Sad that his gf gets the benefit. But ultimately it will be good for our sons to have a healthier dad. And it is a good time for me to reflect on why I was able to set boundaries on the physical abuse but not the mental.

It must be mouse hunting season again. I was woken up by some rustling noises in the house, so I grabbed my phone and went to investigate. Well my cats were trying to catch a mouse that one of them brought in. I was determined to catch it, because they were catching it them letting go, just to have the thrill of catching it again. I wanted to make sure it did not get away in my house! So I caught it under a bowl, slid some cardboard under it, and took it out to the back yard to let it go. I think the cat that brought it in the cat door was the stray cat that has chosen to live here. So now I have two hunter cats. I dealt with this problem all last summer with my one cat... I getting tired of having to disinfect all of my cupboards and drawers

It was 37 here this morning when I woke up, but the cherry and pear trees are blooming. There is a sprinkling of pear blossoms scattered accross my roof. So spring is halfway here and hopefully warmer weather is around the corner. My sons are off camping this weekend. I hope to use the extra time to catch up on things around gage house this weekend.

My son was much more agreeable today. Sometimes I think he tests the limits at each parent's house - especially when he first arrives there for the week. As far as my neighbor's cat - he was supposed to be neutered today, but he did not show up at my neighbor's house, nor was he here in time for the appointment. He showed up this afternoon and evening, but it was too late. Lucky boy, I guess... In the meantime he has brought fleas into the house - I had taken my cat to the vet this morning because she was having an allergic skin condition, and the vet thinks it is because of the fleas. So she got some oral flea medication today... If this stray cat keeps coming into my house, then I may have to discuss with its "owner" the possibility of us keeping him. I will need to get him spayed and he needs shots. Also, I would give him the same oral flea meds, to keep those pests at bay... Although it has been showery here, there have been lots of things blooming. I had a sinus headache today all day, since my body is reacting to all of the blooms...

Crazy busy week ahead! Just filled up my phone calendar with lots of reminders. Today I had two meetings at church and one scout committee meeting. Phew! I am brain dead... The boys were dropped off at my place for the week after having been at their dad's. Good to have them home. But my almost teenager was a stinker tonight and refused to go to bed when I told him. He was so rude to me so he has now lost some privileges... Including his phone and iPod and video games. My older son was trying to warn him to be more respectful, lol, so he wouldn't lose the privileges... Crazy hormones!