Mustang

Indeed. It just makes me feel like I was only her boyfriend because it suited her. What's even worse is that I am finding it impossible to move on because I don't feel like I'll be able to trust anybody or feel confident in myself for a long time yet. Which is very frustrating when my ex doesn't have a care in the world. Here I sit on here all the time trying to work everything out and my ex is no doubt having the time of her life. I feel like I've wasted the last two years of my life.

Day 11 Feel down today. It's a stupid reason but some of my ex girlfriend's friends are now friends with the guy that I think my ex dumped me for. It makes me feel really * * * * that I can just be replaced like that. OK, I thought maybe my ex was being harsh but the fact that her friends no longer speak to me and they are making new friends with my ex girlfriend's uni friends makes me feel a bit like I'm being left behind without a care in the world.

Is anybody constantly thinking of the two most common phrases? "Out of sight of mind." "Absense makes the heart grow fonder." I keep thinking as each day goes by, I am closer to being forgotten but then I stick to NC because I think it's the only way she'll come back (if she's going to). There's a constant battle going on in my head.

Day 9 So I'm almost into double figures and a third of my way into this "challenge". I think NC has helped me in a way because I've started to realise things that my ex did that maybe I ignored at the time and would've done for as long as we were still talking and I had ideas of getting her back. It's only when you step back and take a long hard look at things when you realise that things weren't really what they seemed. It seems to me that my ex dumped me as soon as she got to uni because she no longer needed me. Pretty shallow of her if you ask me and she's also never been straight with me about her reasons other than that she's "changed"... aka... "it's not you, it's me". I am starting to get to the "angry" stage - which shows some progress right? I'll be honest, initially, I thought I'd go NC for a bit just to give her some space but as each day goes by, the less I feel like speaking to her ever again. It will have to be something pretty important for me to go back to somebody that really doesn't care about my feelings. Got a long way to go because I know that I still want my ex back but I think I am getting stronger. Before too long, hopefully I will realise that after how she treated me she doesn't deserve my friendship. It is very immature of me to think so but I hope karma gets her back. I know the saying is "If you really love someone then you just want them to be happy"... that is true. But when that person lies to you and twists things round so you feel like * * * * about yourself, why should I be happy for her?

Awww! Keep your chin up.

Day 8 Well, I didn't have any nightmares last night so I guess that's something. Mind you, when I woke up this morning I had the worst thoughts in my head of her having sex with someone else at the same time as me thinking about it. I then started to freak out because I thought "Woah... maybe my subconscious knows something!". Haha. How tragic! I think I will be a bit better when I go back to London. I'm off uni at the moment and I came home for a bit to focus on uni work. I don't really have anything to do other than sit on the net and what not at the moment as all my mates live in London. So I am trying to tell myself that I will be OK once I am more busy. Being back home is just so hard. Everytime I go past a pub we used to go to I start thinking about her. Everywhere back here has got a memory attached to it. I wonder if she's back home. I wonder if she gets thoughts similar to me. Do I still miss her? Yes. But the good thing about me telling her that I'm disappearing is because it gives me the motivation to stick with NC. Where as had I not said anything then I'd always be able to break it with any old excuse of a text message. I tried going NC back in January and I lasted two weeks. Then I cracked and sent her a pointless text about the fire in Camden. She didn't seem that bothered and just said: "I don't think that text was meant for me. Haven't heard from you in a while. Hope you're OK. x". Then we were back to LC and it just went on. I know now that if I contact her then I will look weak and that I am going back on my word. I will look like I didn't mean what I said and all the work I do will be wasted because she will think that no matter what I say, I will always be back. I'd give that advice to all of you. No matter how tough it maybe to not contact them, think of the bigger picture and you'll be fine. Think of it this way... I've read somewhere that initially it is almost a relief for the dumper to not have their ex in the picture. Like they don't have the guilt bothering them and they feel free to do what they want but then the longer we leave it, the more mystery we build up. I also think it gives us more value in their eyes because we are no longer hanging on to somebody that doesn't want us. Reverse psychology you could say. As for my situation, I don't really think that my ex cares that I'm not speaking to her. She's got uni and friends and could well have another guy. But I know that before things went wrong, we were perfect. I changed during the last few months of our break up and I guess she did too. We didn't communicate and things just went sour. I don't believe that you just fall out of love with someone. My ex admitted to feeling "so so guilty" that she hurt me and I think that's why maybe during LC she was a bit stand off-ish with me. I could just be clutching at straws but I kind of feel like she is trying to be strong and not let her guard down because obviously she's worried things will just go back to how they were if she gives me another chance. It wasn't a friendship at all. I got the impression that she wanted me there but she didn't like to ever talk about "us" because it was easier to run away. I don't know. I need to stop thinking about everything really. I just need to get myself back to the person I was. I don't know if/when I'll contact my ex. Part of me wants to wait and see if she contacts me. I don't think she will mind you because she told me that she'd give me as much space as I needed until I want to contact her again. Which is kind of her way of saying "Yeah. Whatever." I suppose. But as she said, she feels guilty. Her email back to me was her way of trying to ease her guilt. I didn't respond. So she may wonder whether or not she should've said what she said in her email. She may wonder how I took it. She may not. She may wonder why I didn't respond and plead my case more. She may not. All I know is that time is the best thing here. She told me that she still thinks of me in her email to me and that's with me always being in the picture. We had the weirdest friendship. It was usually involve a text from me saying "Hey! How are you? Been up to much? x" and she would respond in a polite way and ask me how I was. Then it would happen again three or four days later. I was always there. She didn't have to do anything. She didn't really lose anything. She still had me there as an option. She still knew how I felt even though I didn't tell her. She hadn't lost me. Well now she really will get to see what life is like without me. As I said at the beginning, she might not care right now, but one day when all the dust settles she will realise that I truly loved her and would've done anything for her. Try getting that from a one night stand. Another point just before you all fall asleep (!)... I know the NC is for 30 days but I wouldn't then contact your ex exactly on that day. Why? Well, I don't know but what if your ex thinks "Hang on... it was exactly a month ago that we stopped talking!" and then it will look like a tactic. Even if you are ready to contact them again it will look like you just sat on your hands for a month. My plan is to just go as long as possible. I'm not giving up hope but I think that will pass.

Day 6 These six days have actually gone pretty quickly. I think it was broken up by her email to me on Friday and the fact that I've been so worked up about that has actually taken my mind off of contacting her. All I can think from her point of view right now is that she's probably happy to be rid of me. She didn't seem too concerned in her email to me about me leaving her life. "I'll give you as much time as you need if/when you want to contact me." Which kind of suggests that she's not bothered either way. Right now, I know that I will contact her one day but it won't be for a long while yet. Then again, maybe after a while I will have no reason to contact her. We shall see. Am I trying to make her miss me? Yes. But as time goes by, I will probably start to think less about whether she misses me or not and just get on with things. The only thing that really bothers me right now is that the urge to respond to her email is really killing me. I spent about four hours constructing her an email in response to hers last night. Obviously I didn't send it. I kept rewriting it, changing bits, rephrasing bits, deleting bits, adding bits... then it got to 4am and I thought I'd come back to it today. And I've been doing the same thing again. I don't have OCD but it feels like I do at times! I am sure that today she is out in the sun having fun and going to clubs in the evening and not thinking about me one bit. She said in her email that she does still think of me, but probably when she's doing mundane things like walking to the supermarket or whatever. Where as, I think about her when I am on nights out. I was in a champagne bar a few weeks ago for a mate's birthday. It was 42 floors up and overlooked all of London at night. It was ace. I just kept thinking: "Wow, she would LOVE it here." The hard thing is that I have so much to say to her. I have so many questions and I really want to try and convince her that things could be different. Not how they were. I know that it's impossible but if she has any feelings for me still then surely she should give me a chance right? She obviously doesn't. I think I'm screwed because I think she has the young, free and single lifestyle now and why on earth would she give that up for me? She's no doubt getting loads of attention and is enjoying her freedom. She could have a boyfriend now for all I know. She wouldn't tell me would she? What really bugs me is that I just think that maybe she met some guy that was better in bed than me and that's why she's not come back to me. Call it insecurity or whatever but that's the thing that makes me unable to sleep at night sometimes. I just imagine her with someone else and get fidgety. I've been having really bad nightmares about her this week too. Which I will explain more of in another thread.

But there's usually some reason that triggers it. My ex told me that she was thinking about things a few months before she actually split up with me. Something must've happened one day to make her stop and suddenly think "Do I want to be with him anymore?". I just wish I knew what it was. It kills me not knowing.

Day 5 I couldn't sleep a wink last night. I keep feeling like I'm going to break down in tears but I haven't as of yet. Her "closure" email has just put so many more questions in my head and if anything, I feel worse off for her responding to my email to her. I was OK with saying my bit and then walking away, but her answers and reasons have just killed me. I am so confused as to how you can love someone and then just "change" and have no further use or interest in them. I just don't know what I must've done to make her decide she wanted to dump me. I know I can't email her back and ask her any questions. I just wish I knew what I did wrong. I don't buy the fact that she just changed her mind. That doesn't happen when you love someone does it?

Day 4 I am over the "angry" stage after reading the closure email and now I am sad. I just can't get my head round and/or accept her reasons for breaking up with me. She claims to have changed but I keep thinking that I must've done something, somebody must've caught her eye. She wouldn't just leave. But I am really trying to not speak to her. I just wish that we could've embraced change together. I understand that her going to uni was a new chapter in her life, but I thought I was important to her. I'm at uni as well. We could've had fun. I think she assumed that she couldn't have as much fun at uni if she was still with me. Pretty shallow and it makes me feel like our entire relationship wasn't what I thought it was, but I am trying so hard to move on from this. I just miss her sooooo much.

Day 3 I'm feeling very down today. The closure email my ex sent me has just made me more hurt and annoyed (see my other thread). That said, I am using that as motivation to not speak to her ever again. It's going to be so hard though.

Day 5 I'm feeling really hungover today and I'm spending it in bed. Naturally, I'm thinking about my ex. I had a strange moment last night when I was out. I went to a really nice bar with my friends and I suddenly thought that my ex would love it where we were. This then made me a bit upset because I knew that I'd never get to take her there. A bit of a silly thing to get upset about but I did. That went away after hitting the tequila mind you. I don't expect my ex is thinking about me. I have come to the conclusion that she has just been "polite" to ease her guilt as opposed to an actual friend. I am determined not to contact her this time. She'll be expecting that. It's usually me to contact her first - which kind of sums it all up really. She has no desire to speak to me but will do when I speak to her so she doesn't look rude. I can't stop thinking about her and I miss her so much but text messages don't fill the void. I miss being with her and if I can't have that, I refuse to settle for crumbs.

Not spoken to my ex since Monday. As some of you are aware, we were in LC but it wasn't really a friendship. I wouldn't talk to any other friend the way I speak to my ex. Certainly not for four months without it going anywhere. Quite frankly, if it was anyone else, I'd be bored of the pointless chit chat text messages. We were both hiding our reasons for why we're still talking. I know I have been doing it to just show her over time the person I used to be before all the split drama occurred and also to show her that I have changed a lot since we split in the hope that maybe she'd start to realise that I'm not such a bad guy after all. Why she still communicates with me I don't know. Politeness? Guilt? Uncertainty? Either way, I don't really think LC is getting me anywhere. It just put me at a stand still and I became so frustrated. I used to think - we get on well, why aren't we together anymore? When we bumped into each other randomly a few weeks ago, it was like nothing had ever happened. We were close in person. I could sense that something was still there and I guess I hoped that LC would build up the chances of reconciliation. I told her I still cared about her and she didn't respond. So I guess she's trying to stick to her guns and move on. I am not prepared to settle for something I really don't want. I love my ex dearly and faking a "friendship" with her just isn't going to work. I need to walk away and try to redeem my dignity. I've never really given her a reason to miss me. I've always cracked in the past because I've missed her. The trouble is, what I miss doesn't exist in a chit chat text message. I miss her. So we fall back into LC and I end up getting upset that it's not going anywhere. She hasn't lost me yet and she knows that. She knows how I feel and she knows that I will most probably contact her every now and then. She gets someone for free. She doesn't have to give anything back in return. So, as hard as it is going to be to completely lose her from my life, I have to. I don't want to let go but I have to. Maybe after a while, I won't miss her. I know that at least by not communicating with her anymore I can't make things any worse and I'm pretty certain that after a while, she'll start to wonder why I've stopped with the friendly chit chat messages. I don't want her to forget about me at all and that's my biggest fear right now but I am sure after a while she will start to wonder if I am forgetting about her. She was the one that ended things but said she didn't want to lose me completely. She told me she still loved me when she broke up with me (BS?) and she was really worried that she'd regret her decision. That was the last time she was open and honest about how she felt. In the four months since then, it's been neutral. No emotions shown whatsoever.

Day 4 See my other post.

Day 3 I don't really feel any better or worse today. Obviously I'm still thinking about her and wondering if she's ever thinking about me, but I doubt it. The last time I managed NC for 2-3 weeks and my ex didn't seem to notice so it's probably going to take even longer before my ex notices I'm gone this time around. The fact is, I told her I still cared about her and that I sometimes wish I had another chance and she ignored it. Her texting me back to tell me that her phone was working again was a bit of an insult to be honest. I put my cards out on the table and she made me feel like an utter idiot for doing so. I'm not going to make a fool of myself anymore. If she insists on ignoring the fact that she loved me and was with me for an amazing 20 months together then she doesn't deserve me as a friend. It's a total lack of respect. If she's that ashamed of me then why should she even want me as a friend?

It's not that. She was texting me from another phone while her other one was broken. She was probably just trying to change the subject and avoiding talking about "us".

Day 2 The frustrating and confusing text my ex sent me has made me very confused. It was clearly an attempt to keep me in her life. I have no idea why on earth she felt the need to tell me that her phone was working again. Especially when she had ignored my previous text telling her I still cared about her. There was no mention of that. I think she's worried that I'm going to disappear. Maybe she still wants me around but is scared to let her guard down and get involved with me again in case things go back to how they are. My reply of "cool x" doesn't really count as contact if you ask me. I didn't want to be rude by not replying, but I made it clear that I'm not willing to get involved in mundane texts anymore. I really do want to text her and be friends with her but it's so hard because whenever we get close, I think to myself "why are we apart?" and then I get upset. I know I scare her sometimes when I tell her how I feel. But that's the sort of guy I am. I told my ex that I still care for her and sometimes wish I had another chance. She ignored me and then told me about her phone working again. If that's not a clear message, I don't know what is...

I received a text from her an hour ago telling me that the phone that wasn't working last week is working again... * * * ?!

You're absolutely right. I can understand that she's scared that things will just go back to how they were. I don't want things to go back to how they were at all. The hard thing is that I can sense that she still cares but she just doesn't want to bring it up. She's obviously enjoying her freedom and doesn't want to go back to being restricted by me. But it wouldn't be like that. I just want a chance. But, she's being so cold and I'll just have to disappear. It hurts so much because I really believed that we could work everything out. I thought it'd just take time. But the fact that I told her yesterday that I still care and sometimes wish we could try again and she has completely ignored me says all I need to know. Although, a simple text telling me no would've been a lot easier than her just turning her back on me, but pffffft, I can't be arsed with it anymore.

Sam, I know you've been going through a tough time with your ex, but I am glad that you kind of have some kind of closure and your ex has opened up to you to express how she's felt about the whole thing. I think part of the problem with why I feel so * * * * is that I thought that seeing my ex again would trigger something in her. I thought she'd at least be able to tell me something about how hard the break up was or how she never meant to hurt me or that she cares about me or something. Anything. It's either heartless of my ex to be like that or immature. I don't really know which to be honest. I don't think she realises that her just blanking me whenever the subject of me and her comes up is unfair on me. I think she just finds it easier to run away from it and let me cope with it on my own. It sounds really horrible, but I'd feel a bit better about things if my ex told me she was upset when we split. Or when we saw each other last week, did she feel anything? All I got from her was "yeah, it was fine." Gee, thanks. The fact that my ex just dumped me out of the blue and then acts like we were never together is what makes me feel so terrible. It makes me feel worthless. It doesn't exactly do a lot for my confidence when it comes to other girls. I mean, if a girl who claims to love me and a girl who makes long term plans with me can just turn off how she feels about me like a light switch, then how on earth am I going to feel confident going into anything with anyone else ever again?

Day 1 (again) I can't take talking to my ex anymore like a stranger. I tried asking her if she was OK with our random encounter last weekend. Maybe she was a bit confused by it, maybe she felt SOMETHING. Her response was "Yeah, it was fine". Even then, it took her a day to respond. I told her that the reason I asked was because I realised that while it was nice to see her, it made me realise that I still care about her. I explained that I know where I stand and didn't want to freak her our but I was just being honest. No response from her. She avoids any conversation about me and her. It's pretty harsh of her if you ask me. It makes me feel so worthless. Did she ever care about me?! Seems pretty unlikely seeing as the second she breaks up with me, I become a stranger to her. I might as well be dead as far as she is concerned. Not once has she said she hurt over the break up. Not once has she asked me how I've been about the break up. Nothing. That's the worst thing.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I have never had any idea how my ex has felt about the break up. She could've been hurt for months for all I know. Or she could've been out celebrating after a couple of days. It's the unknown that kills me. It sounds selfish, but I'd probably feel a bit better if she was going through a hard time after seeing me at the weekend as well. Does that make sense? I just feel even more alone in assuming that she's out having the time of her life without a care in the world whilst I'm STILL wanting her back. I'd love to know what she thinks of me now but I will never know because asking her will be too full on.

Thanks Honeyspur. It was really nice to see my ex at the weekend. I didn't expect it and I didn't expect it to go so well. I can only assume that she's now being cold with me because she doesn't want to give me the wrong idea. It really hurts when I know that if I was who I am now we'd probably still be together and I wish I could prove to her how sorry I am and how things will be different. But I know if I tell her that she'll run. She ran at the idea of a friendly meet up again sometime so I guess she's made her point pretty clear. I'm only backing off because I don't think there's anything else I can do anymore. I will be very surprised if my ex contacts me. She seems over it. Then again, she made so much effort with me on Saturday that I am so confused by it all.

Right then, I'm going to give this a go. Day 1 I feel awful today. Seeing my ex on Saturday night for the first time since we split has really messed me up. We got on so well. She bought me a drink and we had a really nice catch up. She went out of her way to come speak to me. I wouldn't have seen her otherwise. She was quite touchy feely and when I made an excuse to leave, she said I could stay with her for a bit longer. We sent texts to each other saying how nice it was to see each other on our way home and I was quite excited that it went well. I thought that it was a turning point. We were in LC before we bumped into each other and I assumed that things would just continue as they were. Yesterday, however, I got a very cold and abrupt reply from my ex when I text her casually to see how she was and what I was up to. I sent her one back saying it'd be cool to see her again sometime if she wanted to but said that it was up to her. No response. Not even an honest "I'm not interested" reply. Just silence. Which hurt me so much. I hardly slept last night. It's upsetting because by the looks of it, she's meeting up with another ex sometime. I really thought we'd be together forever and now we're not together, it's like I never meant anything to her. So I think my only option is to leave it now. I've not told her how much I miss and love her but I think that'll make things worse. I am just so scared that I will be forgotten. I don't want her to think I'm not interested in her anymore. I really love my ex and really hope that one day we can work things out. I have learnt from my mistakes and I know things could be different if she gave me a chance.

Is it just me or does anybody find that even just a text message every few days talking to your ex makes you feel BETTER? I did NC for two weeks and have been in LC since then. Everybody's different but sometimes LC can be enough. The annoying thing is, I don't WANT to stop loving my ex. I just do and that's all there is to it. I don't see how not speaking to her is going to make me not love her anymore. I agree that NC works in the sense that you get used to not being in contact with them and eventually you do start to appreciate your own life more and start doing things for yourself, but do the feelings actually go away? I don't think they do unless you actually WANT them to. In my experience, going NC is all well and good but it's only when we have a moment of clarity and say to ourselves " * * * * this" and move on because we want to. I'm so sick of people telling me to move on. Like it's that easy? I am not ready to let go of my ex yet. Maybe that makes me an idiot but I don't care.