Mustang

Oh don't get me wrong. I am not making out that I was the perfect boyfriend and it was all her fault at all. I've spent many many months beating myself up over how I could've done things differently. I do understand what I did wrong. But I do believe that those things could've easily been resolved had we communicated better. I know I was insecure and paranoid. Which I have since discovered was not always down to her. I made her feel pressured and I guess she was a distraction from being unhappy in general. I am doing my best to work on myself. That said, this girl was saying to me a week before she moved to London that she was so excited at getting to be in the same city as me. She was excited about all the fun times we'd have. And yes, she was telling me she loved me. I do have the right to be upset and hurt about the way she handled things because pretty much as soon as she got to London she became a totally different person. I had no idea why. This made me insecure. I was less fun to be around. I'm guilty of that yes. She was having fun with her new friends and I guess that became more appealing to her. But for her to put pictures up on Facebook of her and some guy holding hands and then use my reaction to that as excuse to break up with me only to end up with him.... makes me feel like I was just dumped when a better offer came along. Again, maybe if I was more confident in myself I wouldn't care so much, but I do feel that anybody else would act the same if their girlfriend of nearly two years just stopped and decided that the new person they've just met is worth throwing you away for. She never communicated with me about how she was feeling. She just ran away and ignored me. Which is pretty horrible right? Then she blamed me. Again, I didn't handle the break up well because it came out of the blue. One minute she's saying she loves me and the next she's getting with someone else? Then she's ignoring me like I don't exist? I'm pretty sure that everyone would react in the same way that I did. I loved this girl more than anything. Maybe too much. I have learnt that I was making her too high a priority. I can understand her reasoning, don't get me wrong, but I do think it's pretty unfair for me to sit back and accept everything when she essentially dumped me for someone else and didn't have the decency to break up with me and be honest. OK, she was perhaps trying not to hurt me any further but had I known exactly where I stood in November, I would've maybe hurt more initially but by now I would've been much better. I've had so many lingering questions going on in my head for so long. Whenever I tried to speak to my ex about things she was cold. Like she didn't want to be reminded of ever being with me. Maybe that's not how it is, but her email comes accross that way. I think it's a combination of my lack of self confidence and her lack of communication that ruined us. But when somebody essentially dumps you for someone else, it is hard to understand it from there side without feeling hurt. As I've mentioned here, I know I didn't make it easy for her but I just thought that if she loved me as much as she said she did, she would've at least tried to make things work instead of bolting. It just feels so much worse knowing that she wanted rid of me but didn't say anything until she knew she had another option. It makes me feel worthless and that all the things she ever said to me were a lie. Maybe an exageration on my part, but it does feel that way. You can see that I've thought long and hard. You know I've been on here for months venting left, right and centre trying to resolve everything. Maybe I shouldn't try and resolve things but it really is hard. I am getting on with life now, I am doing the best I can and I accept that even if she came back now the old issues would still be there. But I honestly believe that things COULD be different. I suppose I am just frustrated that I am not recovered yet and she seems to be doing just fine ever since we split.

Thanks. I really don't believe she ever will feel guilty but one can hope. One can hope? Woah. I sound posh.

Day 21 So I've managed three weeks. Go me! Has it made me feel any better? Not as much as I had expected it would. Although I think I would've been in a much stronger position had my ex not replied to my closure email. That made things a whole lot worse. As most of you know, her email was so full of dishonest excuses that were only written to make her look less guilty. It was all very vague and unclear. It just made me even more upset. After two years was I not worth honesty? Why didn't she just say "I met someone else and I'm sorry but I just didn't want to be with you anymore" instead of all the "I've changed" and "I feel so bad for hurting you, I never wanted that" to make herself look like a decent human being? I've got a lot of uni work to do in the next couple of weeks and then I have to find myself a job for the summer. To be honest, I really am struggling with uni work at the moment. Whenever I try to sit down and focus on work I get distracted and start thinking about her. The sun is out today and I just imagine my ex and her new guy having loads of fun together and creating more and more memories. She won't be thinking about me. At all. I can just sense it. She said in her email that she does still think about me even though it "may seem" she's moved on but I don't really think that's true. It's easy to type that to someone. I know NC isn't supposed to be about getting your ex back. To be honest, I know that I am not in the perfect position to get back with my ex right now anyway. Even if my ex did contact me again, I wouldn't be the confident, outgoing person I was when we first met. Which just frustrates me even more. I want to be the person I was. I just feel like I'm getting worse as NC goes on because I miss her more and I reckon that she misses me less. The "new" guy in the picture is getting her every single day and has done since October. I've seen her for about 20 minutes since we split up in November... how on earth can I compete with that? She's not going to miss me at all seeing as she's spent 99% of her time with him in the past six months and only 1% (if that) with me. I do keep wondering about her and I miss her more now than ever because at this point in time, NC feels so final and I really don't want that. But as I've said before, I can't contact her. I have no reason to. What am I gonna say? There's nothing I can say. Which just makes me angry. She was a huge part of my life for almost two years and now I'm at the stage where even if I say "Hi, how are you?" I will make things even worse. How * * * * ed up is that? I need to try and get the idea out of my head that my ex will contact me at some point. She won't. She never did before. She certainly won't now seeing as I told her that I was going NC because of how I felt about her. She's with a new guy. If you're with someone new and you have somebody else interested in you that you can't stand, you're not going to speak to them are you? Especially when they tell you how they feel about you. You're just going to be relieved that you are rid of the person. Maybe I am being harsh on myself, I don't know but that's how I feel right now. Even if my ex does think about me for a split second - it'll soon pass. New guy will be there to "distract" her. I don't even know if you can call it a distraction or rebound anymore. She dumped me for him (90% certain about that) and she'd only known him a month. That says something about how strongly she must've felt about him and how little she must've felt about me. How the hell is that supposed to change with me out of the picture and him in her life every single day? I won't lie, it'd be nice if my ex just cracked and asked how I was. I know it wouldn't mean anything but it would at least make me feel like I wasn't worthless. I would most probably ignore her contact anyway (because I'm not myself yet) but it would make me feel like I was in control. For two days after my email to her, I was in control. I told her what I wanted and that I was doing it. Then her email back to me just filled my head with thoughts and doubts. I didn't email back which is something but I still feel like she has control. She knows how I feel and she knows that I am still here waiting. Even if I had met someone else by now and wasn't contacting my ex because I had no interest in her anymore, my ex will assume that I am not in contact with her because I still want to be with her. So the longer NC goes on and I don't contact my ex, she will get an ego boost. She will believe that I still want her. That I still care. That I am still there waiting. Which will push her closer to the new guy. She is not going to miss me because in a weird way, she knows that I am there. She won't contact me. And right now, I don't see how I can ever contact her again. I (foolishly) still love her more than anything...

Day 20 Once again, I am very hungover today. I'm missing my ex quite a lot. I am wondering how she is, what she's up to and of course wondering if she is thinking of me in anyway whatsover. I doubt it very much. As I've said a lot recently, I can't contact her. Which means I won't. I told her that I was cutting contact because our friendship wasn't working. If you could call it a friendship. But by me telling her with 100% honesty how I felt if I back down now just to say "Hi! How are you?" she will assume that I've cracked under the pressure and I am still there waiting for her. Her response will no doubt be a casual "Yeah, I'm fine" and I'll be back to square one. She'll be on guard again. I suppose one of the hardest things to deal with is that I know that she will never contact me. She told me so. She said she'd give me as much space and time as I needed until if/when I wanted to speak to her again. Which was probably a brush off... I kind of get the feeling that she doesn't care. She said she felt guilty after all. Maybe me hanging around just reminded her of her guilt. Me not being there eases everything and she's free to do whatever and whoever she wants without me in the background getting in the way. Plus I don't feel like NC is working. I miss her more and I also think that for as long as I go on not contacting her, she will believe that it is because I am still hurt and upset. OK, I am right now but let's say in a few months time I'm cool and happy. She won't wonder about me, she will just think "Oh he's still not over it... because he's not talking to me". I just want to get back to being the person I used to be. I know I am close. But I would still like my ex in my life at some point because she was my best friend too. That said, since she dumped me she seems to have no memory of that. She always talked to me like somebody she'd only just met. As time goes on, I'll become an even bigger stranger. Hence my post last night about giving up.... the thing is, I don't want to right now. Nobody I've met in the past 5/6 months has grabbed me in the same way. In previous break ups, I'd have been healed a long time ago and would probably be with someone else. I'm at uni! I should have loads of girls to choose from. Trust me, nobody interests me. Which makes me feel worse in a way because my ex didn't have any trouble replacing me. I guess it puts things into perspective if she just slammed the door in my face and I stand outside waiting....

Day 19 Not really much to report today other than I'm nearly at the three week stage. I think I tend to think about my ex more and make things worse in my head is when I am at home alone. I've been really busy this last couple of days and I think it's been very beneficial. So the trick is to try and cut down being on my own as much as I can. I am started to wonder what she is thinking/feeling. Is she thinking anything? Does my non-existence make any difference? It's the not knowing that's the hardest part...

Thanks. I know that I made her very happy. I was clearing out my room the other day and I found some postcards from her when she went travelling last year. She loved me more than anything. I know that I'm a decent guy and what not, but recently.... the whole nice guys finish last phrase has been going round my head. If I'm so great then why did she dump me for someone she'd only known for a month or so? It kind of makes me question who I am and what I'm doing wrong. I know I can't contact her. And I won't. It's just harder than I thought it would be. Every day that goes by makes me miss her more. Not less. Yet, I suspect that she's going the opposite way. I think for her it's out of sight, out of mind where as for me it's absense makes the heart grow fonder. Gah.

Oh don't get me wrong, I've had a great weekend! But in a weird way, I find that makes it harder sometimes. It's a bit stupid to think that way, but if I'm out having fun I always wish my ex was there to have fun with me.

I hope so. The thing is, she's not going to contact me. At all. I agree that I can't contact her at the moment but even if she is thinking about me and wondering how I am, she won't contact me. I told her that I couldn't be friends with her. I told her I wanted her back. I walked away and she thinks that I'm not speaking to her because I still want to be with her. Which is true yes, but even if I get in touch just to see how she is, she will assume that I am chasing her again. So I'm kind of * * * * ed if I do contact her and * * * * ed if I don't. It's a little bit different in that I am 95% certain that she dumped me for someone else and is still with that same person. I doubt she'll be thinking of me when she's with him. What gets to me the most is that she lives in the same building as him, goes to the same uni as him, has the same friends as him and goes to the same places as him... she's never going to think of me because she has him as a "distraction"... if I can even call him that. Then again, after everything, I should hate her. But I don't. I can't.

Day 18 Very hungover AGAIN. But that's my own fault. I've had an awesome weekend. I've been out there and in the past few days I've found a lot of confidence in myself for the first time in a while. I have met a lot of girls over the weekend. Nothing happened but it kind of gives me belief after my ex made me feel worthless. That said, I am finding it increasingly hard not to contact my ex. Just to say hi and what not. But then I know if I do, I will look weak. I have no reason to speak to her anymore but it is SO HARD. She was my best friend as well as my girlfriend and I still think of her CONSTANTLY. We were so close. It's hard to just have NOTHING now. But I know it's the only option. She did * * * * me over without a care in the world. But even last night when I was at an aftershow party with a free bar, I kept thinking to myself "She'd love it here" and "if we were together then she'd be here now" etc, etc I haven't contacted her yet and I don't really think I can. But I do hope that she's thinking about me at least.

Day 17 I'm so hungover today. Apart from that, I'm much the same as ever. I've not got any urges to contact my ex. So that's something. That said, I am still thinking of her constantly but I doubt she is so there's no point worrying about it is there?

Day 16 I'm back in London now and I'm back with all my housemates. Hopefully this will keep me distracted. I think part of the reason why I've been so down lately is because I've been back at home with nobody around and nothing to do except think. Which is the worst thing I can do because I keep going over and over everything and once I'm in that zone, it's really hard to get out. I do miss my ex still but I have no reason to contact her. I'll look weak if I do. I just don't really see why she would bother contacting me. She's got a new guy and no matter what she says to me, she's going to be distracted by him and will have no doubts or thoughts about me. So I can assume that this will be very long term NC. She sees him every day. They go to same uni, live in the same building, have the same friends and go out every night. She'll always be busy with him. She'll not have any time to reflect or miss me. I'm just becoming a distant memory by the day and this new guy and her are probably becoming closer. It sucks because I don't feel like she gave me a chance and running off to him after only knowing him a month has really * * * * ed up my self confidence. She dumped me for someone else. Someone else that she'd only known a little while. I must've been a really * * * * ing horrible boyfriend and she must be so happy to have gotten rid of me. I could text her in a month or so and see how she is, but then I will just be back to square one. She will think I'm chasing her again.

Day 15 Well I'm at the halfway stage. Nothing new to report. Just getting on with things as usual. Although, one thing that has been playing on my mind a lot is my ex telling me she feels guilty. Obviously not that guilty if she's still with someone else. I doubt my ex is telling her new guy that she's feels guilty for dumping me for him.

Day 14 My longest period of NC to date. I don't really have any urges to contact her. As I've explained before, I think telling my ex that I was going NC has helped because I know that if I contact my ex again I will look like I've cracked. Where as if I hadn't told her, I could contact her anytime and I would always be thinking of things like "What should I say? When should I say it? etc". My only regret is that I gave her a huge ego boost in my final email to her. I told her that I couldn't be friends because I still cared about her. So, in her mind, I'm not speaking to her because I am still upset about everything and I am heartbroken that she's not with me. Which is annoying because I really wish she knew how angry I am with her. She thinks she's got away with everything and she is no doubt enjoying her time with her new guy thinking that her ex is still "there". I know we're not using NC to get their attention but part of me wishes I'd just disappeared because I'm sure my ex won't worry about me not contacting. She'll assume it's because I am hurt still. She expects me to contact her when I'm OK and happy. So the longer it goes on, the bigger her ego gets. It won't make her wonder what I'm up to.

Only a few minutes until my longest period of NC yet. Woo! Go me.

I appreciate the advice but it's not that bad. It's not all the time. It's also to do with the fact that I'm back at home at the moment and it's far too quiet here. I can't do anything in silence. Including sleep. I know that sounds weird but my brain won't switch off when it's quiet. I tend to fill the silence with thoughts.... and what's on my mind at the moment? ](*,)

Day 13 I didn't sleep very well last night so today I feel and look like an extra from Dawn of The Dead. Nice. After today, it will be me the longest period of NC so far so I suppose that's something to be positive about. I don't have any reason to contact my ex at all and I know that if I do I will ruin all the "work" I've done up to now. To be honest, I don't really feel like I have made any improvements yet. After telling my ex I was disappearing a few weeks ago I felt relieved. I was taking action that I knew was for the best. What's messed me up I think was her reply. I wish she hadn't bothered. It was only written to ease her guilt. All it did was open up the wounds and made me start to question everything she said in the email. I've been reading between the lines ever since. The main thing is that my ex doesn't know that I am feeling the way I do. Although part of me regrets being so nice to her about everything. I don't like the idea of her thinking that she's got away with treating me like this. But there's nothing I can do about that other than get myself back and put her in her place if she tries to contact me. But she won't.

I feel exactly the same. It's only been 12 days for me. Each day seems to get worse as opposed to better. But there's nothing I can really do. Just try to remain positive. 31 days is great!

At least you're getting a reaction like that. It shows that he cares about you at least. My ex doesn't really care whether I talk to her or not and trust me that's worse. I'd rather her be argumentative.

Nooooooooooooooooooo!

Day 12 I had another nightmare last night which I can still remember clearly as if it actually happened. I suppose it's bound to happen when I seem to think of my ex the most in the evenings and especially just before I go to bed. Wednesday will be the longest I've ever gone NC so at least that's something to be positive about. I've not really had the urge to contact my ex yet. I think me telling her that I couldn't contact her anymore helped because I know that if I contact her anytime soon I will look weak. I've got all the same worries that I've had since day 1 and to be honest a lot of them are getting worse by the day, not better but I don't have any reason to break NC so I won't.

To be honest, at this point in time, I prefer going out and getting drunk and being able to act immature without worrying what people think. I can't get drunk and act immature on a date. Well, I could but it probably wouldn't last very long! Haha.

I went out with a girl in mid February. I was a bit reluctant and didn't feel like I was ready but I forced myself to do it because I thought it was time I moved on. The trouble is... the date went really well but I wasn't ready for anything. Even now, I have nothing bad to say about the girl I went out with. I just didn't feel "it". Everybody says I'm an idiot for passing her up but I just didn't feel ready. So I'd say, even if you are trying to move on, don't go out with anybody because it will just make things worse. Not only will you still miss your ex but you will also feel horrible for "using" somebody else to make yourself feel better.

Firstly, well done on completing the challenge! Well done to everybody for that matter! I've not got an end target date. I'm just taking each day as it comes and avoiding all contact with her. You know what, I know what you're saying and I think that's sometimes what makes me more upset because as you said, even if she came back, I'd never be able to look at her in the same way again. Plus I will always be paranoid about her doing it again and I'll always feel like her second choice. I don't even know if she actually is with anybody right now, that is the strange thing. It makes sense mind you. But you know what, I think I'd still get back with her despite all of that but it would take a lot of work. Am I willing to work things out? We all know the answer to that one. Is she? No. Even if for some reason she did miss me and want to come back, she probably wouldn't because it's probably easier not to. She didn't even have the bottle to break up with me properly, why would she do anything more to get me back?

I do agree. I tend to make things worse in my head. It's easier to do that and it is sometimes so hard to imagine them unhappy. They broke up with us. Why would they ever think/worry/care about us? That said, my ex doesn't know that I'm on here every day. She doesn't know I'm upset. My last email to her was reasonably positive. I could be out having a great time for all she knows and not thinking about her. Or my ex could be worried that I hate her seeing that I didn't respond to her last email. But you know how it is... when you break up with someone, you're happy to be rid of them. You're free. Anybody you meet (rebound or not) is going to be new and interesting. We all know how exciting the first few months of a new relationship are. That is what kills me more than anything. To think that my ex is potentially becoming closer and closer to somebody new as each day goes by.