StillSmiling

Day 19 Teared up just a touch yesterday a few times but he is still almost constantly on my mind and it hurts so bad. Not quite as tough last night as I went out to an Olympic kick off party with over 100 people. None of whom I knew! But forcing myself to get back out there and meet others was really good for me. Had some great conversations and a few laughs (which has been missing for WAY too long!) This morning I find myself plotting and planning on breaking NC and I know it is all wrong. About 6 months ago I had a photo of him, just his hands and sax (he's a great sax player) blown up and put on a large canvas over my fireplace. When I was first "cleaning my space' that got put away as well. The last time I actually saw him (dumb!) about a month ago I asked him if he wanted it because I couldn't bare to just throw it away and he said if I didn't want it, he did. That it "had good memories" attached to it. I have not seen him since and am trying desperately not to see him, so I still have it. A few weeks ago, I actually hung it back up in my newly remodeled bedroom as the colors are perfect and I really do love it. Besides, his face is not in it! =) But now, after almost 3 months of him leaving, and still feeling so hurt and wounded, I thought it better that I take it down again. I am SO obsessed with thinking about already that I don't need any more triggers. God, how I loved to listen to him play that sweet sexy sax ... Anyways, through the grapevine, I know he is out of town for the weekend. So I thought perhaps I would just drop it off at his front door while he is gone. My question is why would I want to do that? Hoping to get a reaction from him? To let him hang it up and perhaps feel some of the pain I do? (I know that's mean) To really give it to him because I know I can't look at it and it's stupid to have it stuffed away in a closet? Is that breaking NC? I suspect it is ... And if I do get a response, it will be an ouch to hear from him again. And if I get no response it will be an ouch. Hummm ....

Day 18 Something is starting to change as of yesterday afternoon. The pain is far from gone and he is still on my mind every hour and I still feel stalled in trying to get things done. But I think I am moving a bit closer to acceptance. And that is where I need to get to. In the almost three months since he walked out, I still remained on his "buddy list" on our computers and I could see him online. I erased him and than put him back on. I guess I was hoping for that IM that never came and to make him see me and think about me and hope he was hurting as badly as me. He is online with work at pretty regular hours so I know when he will be there. Yesterday he went poof. So he has finally taken me off of his list so he can no longer see me online. New romance he is busy with? It hurts him too much to keep seeing my name? Who knows ... it doesn't matter. But it was one step in the direction of closure. Got brave enough to do the same and erased him. A tiny step in letting it all go, but a step none the less. Had the opportunity to speak on the phone with another on this forum for a few hours last night. It was great to be able to talk about it all to each other. I think great therapy for both of us and I am grateful for it. So thank you. I would encourage others here to do the same thing. Cell phone numbers keep names and addresses private so it's safe to reach out. So I am still far from turning the corner, but at least I am faced a bit more towards it. My expectations are starting to fade just a touch and the very best thing I can do is remain NC. Very tough but I am determined to not slip back again and for now, and perhaps forever, give up the idea of being friends. 888 Party tonight for the start of Olympics. All new people at a "Meet-Up" group in my area, over 100. There MUST be some interesting people and it is time to get back out there and meet them. Praying for the day I will no longer need to type here and the memories of him do not wash over me as I open my eyes in the morning. I can do this.

Kayla, there will be more memories made with someone new on down the road. You have to trust in that and stop looking back. I am guilty of the same thing, but it only makes it hurt more. The friends thing is a very slippery slope when it is so new. I truly believe ex-lovers can become great friends, as I have a number in my past. But it took great amounts of time after the breakup to be able to get to that point. It can't be forced by either side. When the pain of the memories dies and the tiny voice that still hopes for reconcilliation shuts up is when a true friendship may be possible. But you can't rush it ... Hugs kiddo. Know you are not alone.

Nothing like a good cry or two, or one hundred. I think the dumper often feels all of the same pain. I know my guy did/does (?). It just wasn't right for him and he was not willing to compromise and try to make it work ... so the relationship itself became painful to him. I know we both still love each other very much, but are simply not meant for each other. Know in your heart there will be another that you have that special connection with. I am hoping I will as well. Hangin there. And wash that dirty shirt =)

Day 17 I am not surprised that he has not contacted me at this point. It was over 3 weeks when I was stupid enough to make contact with him last time when I saw him online. I've erased his name from my buddy list and put it back on so many times I can't remember. It's stupid. It only hurts when I see him online and know he can see me. At times I left my computer on for hours hoping for an IM. Of coarse, none comes and I just feel crappier. I have to get to the point of accepting how final this is and stop dreaming about being able to solve it. I'm not sure why I am even posting in the "Getting Back Together" section anymore because it's not going to happen. I guess I just stay here because it's where I started my count. I need to accept that with his personality, his decision to toss us away is final. I need to accept that even if any type of reconciliation happened, it wouldn't last. He is not the right one for me and I know in my heart that is true. He was SO obsessive in his love for me, so attentive and romantic. But still obsessive, and while that felt great for a time, it is what made him walk away. When I could not be 24/7 for him and he needed me to turn to him with problems rather than solve them on my own. It made him feel "banished" and "left out in the cold". It screams insecurity, and yet I never saw that, as he is a very talented and successful musician as well as a music teacher. Front stage is his life ... how odd to see some of the inside. Writing all of this helps me get closer to the acceptance I need to find and reminds me of how to get through another day and closer to my healing. Thank you all for there being a place to put all of the noise in my head.

Day 16 I am also going crazy. Except I don't have ANY days, or even hours that I don't think of him. No matter how hard I try to stop, my crazy brain keeps on making up evil little ideas of how to run into him or a reason to contact him. I don't know how to get unstuck from this place. I do know that phone call 2 weeks ago really set me back. I have to remind myself of that and KNOW that I will only cause myself more pain if I stop NC. I've never felt this way before in my 53 years. Why is this man so tough to get over? I guess I am still processing it and getting over the shock that it even ended. Much tougher to be the dumpee ... Heads up all. We will make it through this.

David, you have to hang with us. We are all going to have days that fall wrong, start wrong,times and songs that hit a hard spot ... trust me .. mine was a professional musician who sang to me the perfect song in front of thousands. Turn off the radio for now. It's a bad day David. Nothing more than that. A step backwards, which we are allowed. It's like a lightening bolt coming off of the ground. Not a straight line up, but jig-jag with the ups and downs .. but still heading up. If you care to talk, write here and we can email to an open phone. I have found such inspiration in you at times I thought I would not make it .. if you care for an ear .. we are here, and I can be too. Hang tight guy. And turn off the radio.

Pack away anything you can do without. Save all the photos and songs to disks and addthem to the "Memory Box". Erase the DVR Go shopping for some new clothes Trust me .. you NEED TO CLEAN YOUR SPACE to get through this. This I have learned. Hang in there. My breaking heart is right there too but we will make it ... Hugs

Thank you for coming back with such words of hope for the future. I think we all know there is life after "him/her" ... but it is painfully hard to see it right now. Thanks for the inspiration.

Day 15 Thanks SurfJon! Appreciate the support from someone who has been through this. *sigh* Having a tough morning. Drank too much wine last night and spent it in tears with a friend. Always makes me feel crappier the next day ... I think yesterday was the first day that I really thought about "forever". That's hard stuff. I too worry about ever feeling such happiness again as I felt with him, right to the end when he shocked me. Have to focus on myself and my business now. Awful that I watch him on the dating sites and see how active he is. So it was not for "another", it just was right with me. My list posted above my desk keeps getting longer of all of the reasons why I would not have been right as a life partner. It's so clear to see ... yet I still hurt so badly. Hang in there all. There will be light again.

Perhaps TXT her back ONLY to say ... "I feel itis best for both of us to not have contact at least until _________." Couple of days is not going to solve anything if you are trying to get over this. Sorry to be so blunt.

xxmacbeth: We were all best friends with our lost loves. That is the part that makes it so hard and so painful. We need to turn to our friend, but they are the one that hurt us. It simply is sad. Hang in there. I felt he was the "special one" as well, but I have to accept that in reality he wasn't, no matter what he told me, or he would not have done what he did in tossing it away to easy. His actions over his words spoke volumns. I live now with, "it wasn't meant to be". And if a million years on down the down it is meant to be, than it will happen. But we can't force it. I read here as well to find the solitude in others that understand the hurt we have and how we are working through it. I know in my heart that this pain will end, and the hope will stop and I will move on. Just tough for us getting through this patch of landmines .... Hugs to ya .

Hell if I know, but I am doing the same damn thing. All logic says it is over, it was right to begin with, I should have seen the red flags, it would have never worked as life partners ... yet I pine. And worry if I will ever feel that happy again ... but it wasn't real. Hang in there Me ... know you have company here.

Day 14 I had a dream about seeing him again. I hate that! It's now been 2 1/2 months since he walked out the door. But 2 weeks of emails, a meeting in the park and stupidly an attempt at "buddys" going to a festival on June 28th. I regret that I made contact any of those times. The last time of seeinghim was awful and put me back to square one. WHY was I so stupid to IM him 2 weeks ago which resulted in him calling? While I pretended I was just fine. I fell apart again afterwards. I suspect he did too. And I noticed he checked my profile on a dating site about the same time. (can't tell for sure the date) I needed to hurt him back with that last call and pretend how wonderful all was going. Not certain why. Wanting to hurt him like he hurt me? Or hoping that he would try to grab me back from another possible man? Or just trying to push him away farther because I know it's not right to be with him. I wish I could say I felt better at Day 14, but I don't. Instead I am checking off the days to 30 so I can find some stupid excuse to contact him. Not good. Gotta get back out there and find some new fun I guess. *sigh* Dave, you sound great and in control again. Congrats! And congrats on how you are feeling about yourself. I am still walking around with low self esteem and tons of guilt that it was me that didn't live up to what he wanted. I HATE that! What about what I wanted/ needed? It was SO wrong and yet it is still so painful. Encouraging to read about those of you that are healing. Thank you all ...

Agree. Hold tight and don't answer the calls.

gg, stay strong and know if nothing else, there is this place of other broken hearts for the TIME BEING to come to. I had a rough one but am grateful for a good male buddy that is visiting after camping to have a shoulder to cry on. It sucks to think about forever. At Day 13 I can come up with 100 stupid reasons to contact him. But I have to be strong and not do that. I hurt only myself. It's goinng to get better. And I will continue to try to keep the door closed myself. My birthday is in a few weeks and already I am thinking about if he will call me. Awful. Hope themorning is better for all of us still ouching.

Day 13 Just home from my week in Yosemite camping and hiking. It was refreshing to get away, but at times tough as it made me think more of him. And made me wish he was there. And too much quiet time in the early mornings to think about him. How the hell do I get him off of my mind? I am so sick of crying. Coming home I was flooded with memories again even though I have put away everything blatant, such as photos. The white sage I ordered for the house "cleansing" has not arrived yet. No flippin idea if there is anything to that, but I know that my home which I once loved so dearly feels so "wrong" now. I will give anything a try. To all, typing as I read the posts here, so forgive me if these comments only make sense as I type them as I read. KaylaJoy: On 7/28 you wrote about no FWB. Will you remind me of that story? After just completing a 7 hour drive from Yosemite hiking, and spending 6.95 hours thinking about him, I start coming up with stupid brainstorms of still trying to fulfill a trip to Hawaii with him that I gave him for Christmas. I tell myself, OK, we would have to agree to separate rooms, blah, blah , blah ... and I think about just enjoying him company again. Yeah right. I can see myself headed for another fall and starting the healing again. Dammit. And I liked that you wrote this: "I want him in my life. I know now I can make it if he's not there. " Good words to wake up to. Thank you. KaylaJoy: 7/29 Put the pictures away. There is a time to grieve the loss, but please don't torture yourself. I had to keep on "cleaning my space" and put away all of the pictures, stuff, etc. It feels better. And expect lonely nights... we will all have them for now. gg: 7/28 Ouch. I have done the same nonsense with looking at dating sites he is on, and more than I can even confess here. I'm not certain why we torture ourselves like this? And WHY, when I an normally a very caring and loving person do I find comfort in reading that he too is lonely (not written to me). ? gg: 7/28 You DO need his help in closing the door. Sad as it is, and I am going through the same damn thing. Head says we cannot be buddies now or maybe ever, heart overrides that at times I am feeling JUST like you. And we are both starting over at 53 *sigh*. The Mad Pagan: You give me hope. We are the same age. Happy that Day 8 feels better for you. DavidW: You are always such an inspiration. I am still reading and catching up, but 7/29, you ROCK. Good for you guy! And I LOVED how you found "you were NOT a creep". Isn't it amazing how we let someone take out self-esteem away from us? I am dealing with the same stuff. meinreallife: Oh I am so sorry you are feeling such pain. No doubt this is a horrid experience and some damn days are for whatever tougher than others. Know it does get better. I am Far from "there", but I am much better than I was just less than 2 weeks ago when I spoke with him again. To all, I wish us day that contains some peace for our hearts. Know we will all come out the other side of this. I have to keep reminding myself that the 30 days is for MY healing, not an attempt to get back something that I know in my head would have never worked out in the long run. Why I still crave it back is something I can't figure out. I am thankful for the words of wisdom here and for the support ... and for aplace to put these words that rattle in my head ...

Day 6 Hello all. Well, I made it throughlast night without calling. Whew! Funny how we can find 100 excuses to ring them up over something stupid. Heard through the grapevine yesterday that he had a new babe at his house for dinner Friday night. Two weeks ago I would have died from that news. Last night, a pang but real bad. So I guess I really am healing with time. Trying to stay focused on how wrong it really was. That I would have stayed maybe another year, but I know in my heart now that he was not my life partner and in the end if he had not calledit off, I would have eventually. Now, if only I can stay in this place. Leaving in a hour to hike Yosemite for the next 7 days so that shoudl help =) Stay stong. Take care of yourselves first. Know you have others here feeling the same pain and we will walk out of it together. OTAT! Cheers

Day 5 This is hell. I want SO badly to call him as our last conversation on Monday ended with "well, give me a call sometime". I KNOW it is not the right thing to do and I can't possible be buddies with him. Every time I make contact, and he enjoys that I do, I just fall apart again afterwards. I think it goes back to what others discussed in that he misses me, needs his "fix" of me, but doesn't want the relationship at it was. Head says he is not the right one although he treated me like an angel. Well, except that it became all about "his needs" and not "my needs" when it came to time together. ACK! Just have to get my head in gear and heart out of gear for the moment. Feel a bit better today and just as a side note: I started drinking too much wine when this all happened. It makes it SO MUCH worse to get through! So fellow NCers, keep that in mind that it is a depressant and don't do it to excess. Evening I don't drink as much results in a better morning and less depression for the day. gg: I KNOW what you mean about warm and fuzzy. I WISH I could find some anger as it helps to get through it. But I can't be mad, just so very disappointed. Hang in there. David: You sound stronger today. Must be so hard with having kids in the middle of this. We can get through this and come out better on the other side. Here's to wishing us all healing hearts ...

Day 4 He walked out May 18th (I was SHOCKED because there had been no wars). Emailed for about 2 weeks back and forth and that REALLY drove me crazy! I was waking up at 2-3 AM to see if he had written me. Terrible. We finally decided to meet in a park and talk. Was very sweet and sad and he confirmed that he left because I would "banish" him when I was having a bad day and needed time alone. (Ya think maybe a bit needy???) Then NC for 2 weeks and I was STUPID enough to call him and ask him to a festival that we had discussed months before. What a day from HELL! Mid festival I told him I wasn't sure I could be just friends and he relpied "let's just try today and see how it goes". GAWD! When he drove me home he said he was sorry it could not go back to what it was .. I said I understood. Wrote him an email and thanked him for the fair and I understood but I was not ready to be friends. He wrote back that he thought I was right, and that he still loved me and then the big BUT! AARRGGHH Then cried for a flippin week. Was feeling a bit of relief in life and then Monday night I spotted him on my buddy list and said "Hey". He asked when we could talk again. I played VERY cool like I was just fine and all over him (dying inside) and said anytime. Damn, he called with in seconds. Pretty much same end to the story. Told me he had been dating a bit but that i was "hard to replace" and that he still loved me. But still the stupid friends thing. I can't go down that road! I must do NC! I swing from hoping he will want me back and relize he has made a mistake, to focusing on how terribly fast and intense it all happened from start to end and that it wasn't right. And we are both in our 50's! But it is still so painful. So sign me up ...