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StillSmiling

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  1. StillSmiling
    KUDOS Mad Pagan! Yes, we have made it through the darkest of it all. Not sure what I will do at 30. I don't feel this site has become an addiction but rather more of a journal on the watching the days click by as I heal. I suspect I will get to where you are at soon. Great job.
  2. StillSmiling
    WOW. 75 Days. Please tell me it continues to get easier? I still feel tempted to "check up on stuff" about him, yet have ignored the urges. I certainly hope there is soon a day when I don;t even feel that temptation ... Hang in there. The new school year should be a great one for you.
  3. StillSmiling
    Day 28 Again, a touch more acceptance setting in. Now when I think of him, I think "what's the point?". It is 3 months today that he walked out. I am shocked at how the summer just came and went and I feel sad that I wasted so much of it feeling so down. This was so be our playtime ... the season when my work is lighter and I am able to take weeks off at a time. This was the month to be in Italy. The whole thing is so sad ... Kept busy for the weekend with friends and that helped. I feel calmer now coming back home alone and am slowly settling back into my own personal routines. I think that was one of the hardest parts in the beginning; that all of my routines had included him, even if it was a phone call or a letter in the evening to him, and then suddenly it was just me again. I still hold onto thoughts of running into him and I'm not sure why I would want that. If I am honest with myself, it would be to show him how great I am without him and what a poor mistake he made. Of coarse it would all be a lie. Funny how we want to hurt back when we've been so deeply wounded. Went to hear some Jazz at a local winery yesterday afternoon with a group of gals, and it didn't dawn on me until I was in the parking lot, that it could have been HIM playing! It was an odd mix of hoping and yet fear that it would be. Like Kayla said: Interesting stuff. And the birthday thing continues to rattle in my head. Coming up in 12 days. Will he make contact? We never formally told each other NC; in fact our last phone conversation ended with "give me a call sometime" from both of us. When I fell apart again after that call is when I knew I needed NC for me. He thinks I am with another, and so I suppose he is respecting that by being NC himself. And him finally removing me from his buddy lists to see me online a few weeks ago spoke volumes. I wonder if he still hurts like I do ... Thoughts dance through my head on how to react if he does contact me with birthday wishes. Respond or not? And what if he doesn't, after the big deal he had made about it all year ... we met 9 days after my birthday last year. Either way it is going to be tough. I've sworn to give my cell phone and laptop battery to my buddy that day as we will be in Vegas celebrating and I just don't want it ruined. Yet, I know it will be on my mind. Why do we at times feel the need to see them, talk to them "just one last time"? It still haunts me, yet the two times I did it before NC put me back through living hell. Must remember how far it set me back and not make the same mistake. What's the point?
  4. StillSmiling
    Or perhaps she sees that a new realtionship this soon would only be a rebound. You've made great progress ... stay strong. A stop peeking at stuff. I have teo tell myself the same thing .... there simply is no sense in it.
  5. StillSmiling
    Yankee, stay strong. Remember the friends thing at this stage is only to ease the dumper guilt and have the cake and eat it too ... and for the dumpee to have a thread of hope to hold on to. NC is REALLY hard, but asthe days click away it does become easier. Day 27 here and SO much stronger than I thought I would be.
  6. StillSmiling
    Write on! It's great therapy to write. I looked at his link removed status last night. Yep, "active within 24 hours" ... so he has not yet found the "new one". Kinda felt good in a very mean way ...
  7. StillSmiling
    Day 27 It is true, we do heal. There is a calm this morning that I've not felt before. I think acceptance has begun to set in. It's all still so very sad, but it wouldn't have worked out in the long run. I am now starting to feel grateful that it didn't go on longer and he ended it when he did. MadPagan, I am also beginning to get my self esteem back as well. It's been a tough road. So good for you! I feel like I am coming out of this a much better and wiser person. Only 3 more days to the big 30. I will "test" the box of his mementos to see how I feel on that day. I suspect it will still be an ouch, but no longer the crushing pain I've been burdened with for the past 3 months. This 30 day challenge was the best advice I was given and it has proven to be so helpful in not continuing to harm myself by setting myself up for more rejection. And yes, as another poster said, it is almost a bit empowering Best to all of you and this same journey..
  8. StillSmiling
    Day 26 Getting a bit easier. Went out last night and again met some new people. Trying to stay busy really does help, even when it is hard to get motivated to do so. My first month after he walked out, I pretty much locked myself in the house and cried and felt awful. The four walls were my enemy. Feels good to get dressed up and feel "pretty" again. Wish I was still as pissed off as I was yesterday, but I never was able to stay mad at anyone. *sigh* But that awful stabbing in my solar plexus is beginning to subside so there is a healing happening ... finally. I have been mulling over what to do at 30 Days. A few weeks ago I never thought I would make it, yet now it is only 4 days away. A few weeks ago I thought I would use that marker as an excuse to have contact and try the "friends" thing. Now I'm not so sure what to do, if anything In rehashing all of this, I am starting to wonder what we would really have being just friends. He is an avid golfer (handicap 7) and plays 3,4, or 5 times a week. He is always so critical behind others back about their ability that I would never golf with him. He is a musician and of coarse I would often go to his gigs. But I was in sorts his groupie as he played his sax (my fav) and he sang songs looking directly at me, eyes twinkling. That too would we gone. So much of what we did together, where we traveled together would just not have the same "sense" or fun about it. It was all so intensely wrapped together with romanticism and intimacy that I can't quite get my head around what it would even be like to not have that be a part of spending time with him. I think I may be coming to a conclusion that there is no reason to pursue a friendship. Still painfully crave to see him. But I think it is now more about getting "stuff off my chest" and perhaps rubbing in what a good thing he threw away (?). What do others do here when that famous 30 Day marker is finally met?
  9. StillSmiling
    YES!!! so this is Day 25.999 and it was a great one! The little turd! LOL Thanks Kayla
  10. StillSmiling
    Agree. I have read your posts before while in the depths of it all. I don't think it's a gender thing at all. More of how dynamic the relationship/break up was, how sensitive we are as people, age and past experiences ... blah blah blah. I used to think guys walked away easier. After spending time on this board, I don't believe that any more. Perhaps as females we tend to be a bit more expressive at times.
  11. StillSmiling
    Day 25 As 30 Days gets closer the roller coaster is back on. This morning I have a touch of something I had yet to feel in the journey; PISSED OFF! At almost 3 months of this nonsense, I have never been able to get mad at him. Not even a touch. Just deep sadness as I really do believe in how much he loved me, and that he really did want it to work. I also really believed, too much so, that most of the blame should fall on me. For my "workaholic ways" and for being so independent. This morning I woke up thinking: That SOB! I love my work, am successful and DO have a healthy balance of work and play. I spent 4/5 days and nights with you a week, mostly on your time schedule, not mine. You are just LAZY. And if I didn't run to you with every little problem or rare bad day I had, it was because I was being respective of you and simply wanted to "bring my best to the table" when I was with you. How DARE you make me feel bad about what I consider good and healthy traits! The guy is a bit unstable, insecure and very immature. And I can't believe I allowed him to make me feel so crappy for all of these months. Including some of the time when we were still together. Now I REALLY want to break NC just so I can blast him! LOL But I won't. Amazing the clarity that comes with time and NC. Stay strong fellow NCers. I am so grateful to have found this sight and followed the great advice from so many. The fog is lifting and the picture just wasn't as pretty in reality as it was in my mind. I hope I can hold onto these feelings as I feel the most powerful I have been in way too long of time. As my therapist said when he first walked out: "You will look back on this and be grateful it was only 8 1/2 months, and not 8 1/2 years". Oh so true!
  12. StillSmiling
    I think we have hyjacked this thread for it's purpose, and that is finding the strength in making a 30 day NC. Having said that, no, I did NOT make the choice to end it. HE shocked me with ending it. And no, there was little discussion prior to his abrupt choice and about our differences. I was also "processing" what became a very intense relationship on IF I could very feel good about us living togther or marrying. He tossed me with the owrds of "workaholic, loner, and I am a good person, just not good for him". So go figure ... And we should probably not hyjack the means of this thread anymore. PM? I also have a golden =)
  13. StillSmiling
    Hopelives, I appreciate your words of wisdom. My head will entirely agree with everything you have said. My heart, at this point, is just not agreeing. I was single and did very little dating for a year and a half before I got involved with my Ex. I was perfectly happy living alone (have for 9 years), running 5 companies (no, I'm not a kid) and didn't feel like I had a hole to fill. But at times it does get lonely when you have no other family or children in your life. Great friends, but at times we crave more. That's why I did link removed, as I suspect you did the site you met your guy on. I too have been thrown some real hard balls in life. I lost my husband to Lou Gehrigs and my sister who was my best friend from cancer exactly 6 months apart from each other. A year later I lost my Mother unexpectedly, who I was very close to. So I understand the pain game, and the recoveries and how one finds the strength to move on with life and get back that happiness and joy for life. I am, generally speaking a very upbeat, outgoing, confident, successful and happy person. I was when I met "him". I had no intentions of anything moving too fast .. yet it did. I have never been consumed by a relationship like I was with this one. I let my guard down and buried the red flags. Now, don't get me wrong. We had great times together and he is a great man. We traveling extensively together and being 24/7 for times out of the country created no issues. In fact it was magic. In fact it was perfect. We both had our own spaces, we came together a number of times during the week, spent great times, and than had time for the rest of life was throwing us. And we traveled. So no, he did not come into my life to "fill a hole", but he embellished an already happy life. THAT is what I struggle with now. That he became 4-5 days/nights of my life. He became the person who made me laugh and he became, instead of friends, the person that I spent most of my free time with. And he loved and wanted me in his life like I have never known before. The basic that he and I differ on are things such as spiritual beliefs, finances, who does how much of the compromising and the such. Things that are very "workable" when you are not living together. So when I state that, what I mean is that as a life partner it would not have worked. As it was, it worked perfectly. But he wanted more and I was not ready. It happened too fast. I know I will get back to the place of feeling confident and happy again and content without a man in my life for the time being. But I also know I was not meant to walk this earth alone forever. I'm not going crazy on dating sites, but I am back there peeking, just as you did when you went on that site. I think there is one major difference between where you and I are at. And I hope you do not take this the wrong way because it is not meant to be anything other than explaining where I am at vs. you. You are still holding onto the idea that the may be back. Nothing wrong with that. I, on the other hand, have accepted that he will not be a part of my life any longer. And that ... simply hurts.
  14. StillSmiling
    Day 24 Started to slip last night. Odd how there are ups and downs and not sure what triggered it but I had all I could do to not make contact. Perhaps it is that 30 days is coming up fast and the acceptance that it really is over, not more chances, is setting in and has brought a new round of pain. I fail to understand myself in wanting the relationship back. It was grand and romantic and no fights, but it still would have not worked out as a life partner in the long run. Life values and styles just too different. I know that, yet I yearn to be back around so badly. I keep dreaming of somehow running into him. That he will once again express that he is also still hurting. That it continues to be hard for him like it is for me. Not a very Christian sentiment but it would confirm that he really did love me as much as he said and could not be thrown from his thoughts so easily. I want so badly to just forget about him, yet he lingers in my thoughts every hour of every day. That creepy little voice that says "maybe ... just maybe". And I try to shout back "DEAD" ... and it works at moments until the next round of recalling him floods back again. I hate this. To top it off, the guy I had a date with the other night has not called back or responded to my thank you note I left him for dinner. He wasn't any dream man, but sweet and interesting and not hard to look at it. I would have gone out with him again as we seemed to have much in common. It just smacks my self-esteem and feels like more rejection piled on top of this broken relationship. I swear you need very thick skin to play the online dating game. Sometimes I feel like a toy and they are shopping in a catalog. Are we on online dating sites because we are too desperate to fill that hole left behind? So we are this giant glob of desperate people, men and women, fighting to find something and along the way ignoring red flags? Perhaps I have just become a bit phobic after this last almost one year relationship that started from link removed. While he was far from a player, and I know his feeling were sincere, he sure threw it away without any work. Desperate to find the perfect fit right out of the shoot and not have to work on any issues? It's awful to still have so many questions in my head. Ugh. I need this to be over ...
  15. StillSmiling
    Hopelives, I wish I was it your space in my head. Sadly, I have been coming real close to "it's really done with" to have any more hope for "us". Yes, it's living, but it is also moving on without the hopes that someday it could be fixed. I think that is the difference. You are still hoping "he changes his heart". Some of us here know that will never be the case and will accept that and grow from it. How you have managed to love someone deeply, watch it end and still be "a happy person and excited about life" at day 23 or so is beyond me. Could you please bottle that and send me some? LOL
  16. StillSmiling
    Yep thats EXACTLY how I feel. No talks, no working on it, no fights ... just sorry ... you are off to the bin. I still can't quite comprehend how I he could toss it away to easy if he really felt what he said he did. Yes, we have been dismissed to the bin.
  17. StillSmiling
    Thank you shattered for your words. Funny, HIS parents have been married for 50 something years and still loving life together. I saw that as encouragement that he understood and was able to develope a LT relationship from such a role model. Only one of the 4 boys has been married and stable for many years, well, other than being a recovered alcoholic. LOL Go figure .. we live in a disposible life now ...
  18. StillSmiling
    Day 22 Moving along a touch more each day. My date last night was pleasant, but I also feel a bit shut down. Some days wonder if ANY relationship ever really works. Continue to use my "He's Dead" thoughts to push him out of my mind. I am not as consumed as before, but there are still those moments. I guess acceptance is starting to settle in a bit more. Mad Pagan: We are on the same day. And yes, we have come a long way. We WILL stay strong. Monday will be the 18th and 3 months since he walked out. Hard to believe that much time has passed already and I have wasted that much time feeling so crappy. Energy and interest in life is starting to come back slowly but surely ... Wish us all another successful NC day with a few smiles tossed in.
  19. StillSmiling
    Day 22 Well, I'm not exactly having a party, but when I recall how I felt when it all first happened, and even 22 days ago, I guess I am really healing a touch. Someone on another thread discussing how hard NC was, said "just imagine them dead". At first I thought how trite and silly and how could anyone possible do that. But this morning, as a pang hit and I thought about that stupid canvas and the excuse it would give me to stir it all up I thought: He's Dead. There is no place to drop off the canvas. Interesting how it stopped the thought of it ... Last night went to another MeetUp at the beach. Only a few people showed up but the sun and the surf and the all the active, pretty people was fun to be around. Met a few new people and a young guy flirted with me and bought me a glass of wine and shared some food. Also met a an interesting gal from France that could be fun to hang out with. I highly suggest link removed for anyone looking to just connect for things to do. There are 100's of groups in my area and I've done everything from surf kayaking, salsa lessons, yoga on the beach, to just dining out with a few. My favorite group is Fun Friends as it a combo of couple and singles and no pressure like going to the Singles Groups. Tonight I have a date from one of the dating sites. Yikes! He seems very pleasant on the phone, seems to have his act together and his photos are not hard to look at. I delete most of the hits I get, but this one is worth an hour or two to see what he is all about. Wish me luck! It's nice to have something to look forward to and stay busy. And a bit of attention doesn't hurt either ... Here's wishing us all more healing and another successful day of NC.
  20. StillSmiling
    I donl't know why we do thsi too ourselves. I have been guiltyof it in the past and have learned my lesson. Sets me WAY back. Be strong ...
  21. StillSmiling
    Hey He2, hang tough. And play that new guitar. I think you are right about allowing yourself to feel the pain. If it does not come out, we can't heal. And you seem like a stong enough man to NOT act on it ... good for you! We can't change thier minds. I assume most of us already tried that before we got to this point. You will have new, sweet times on down the road with another ... just hard to see right now.
  22. StillSmiling
    Hey you! I wondered about yu going "poof"! Yu sound pretty upbeat today .. that's great. Remember, you don;t always have to "be good to anyone here". Sometime yu just need to type/talk and we will listen/read. Congrats on Day 17.
  23. StillSmiling
    Day 21 Well, I made it to 3 weeks. This is about the point I have fallen off the wagon the last two times. I know he is back in town and my mind is racing on excuses to call him ... Yesterday my energy seemed to have returned a bit and I actually did more than mope around. First I have felt that is almost 3 months. There is still such a temptation to want to say or write all of the words unsaid. The things you start to understand once you start coming out of the fog and shock of it all. Thankfully I have not had any more dreams of him and am finally sleeping pretty normal. The dreams are the worst! And agree, the first week or so is really tough. Than is seemed to ease and bit. Now at this point is when I fall. Not truly a month yet since we last spoke. It's like hanging in limbo. The best thing he could have done was to have removed me from his buddy list so we can't see each other online. Makes it a bit easier with the temptation and I wasn't strong enough to keep him blocked. I wonder if it just got too hard for him also to see me online. I wonder if he rethinks his choices. I have left the door open, but he does think I have moved on so I guess is respecting that and maintaining NC also. Trying to stay strong and stay busy this week. We can do this. It is for our own healing and I need to keep reminding myself of that very important point. God I still love that man so much. Hugs to all that need them ...
  24. StillSmiling
    Day 20 For the most part felt a bit stronger and a bit more accepting of being one for good. And so far, have resisted taking the canvas over to his house. There is no rush for him to have it so I have to be honest with myself that it is just an excuse to make contact in some form. Not a good idea. Last night I went out with a gal I met at the meet-up the other night. We went to a bar at the beach, right accross the road from where my Ex often plays with his band, and if coarse I was always there. It all came crashing back. No matter how hard I tried to have a good time, my heart was just not in it. I'm not much of a bar person anyways and the whole scene just seemed so pathetic. After about and hour I had to tell my friend I had to leave, started crying again and drove home. And now this morning, after having a couple glasses of wine last night, that crappy pain in my heart is back and I feel anxious and sad again. Mad Pagan: Like you, I didn't think I would make it to 20 days. Congratulations on your strength and healing. For the most part I am healing too ... was just a set back last night. It's the "forever" that strikes my heart at times. I know when 30 days come, I will need to make it 60, than 90 ....
  25. StillSmiling
    I am going to vote no. In all of my past relationships, with the exception of a 6 month fling at about 24 years old, I have always been the dumper. Than again, in the pasts the roads were rocky before I finally said enough is enough. It hurt, but NOTHING like what I am going through with this one and being the dumpee. AND, it coming out of the blue with no conflict or much talk about anything being major problems.
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