StillSmiling

Day 34 Well, I left the potatoes at home and went straight to the pool party. I know if I had dropped them off at his place, it would have been for a reaction. Why do we still hunger for some type of connection with them? Why are we so curious as to how they are doing? I want so badly to be back around his energy, but I KNOW it would not feel the same. And I really don't want to know what is going on in his life unless he could tell me he is as miserable as me. I'm certain he has moved on by now with some other gal. It is not his nature to be alone. It's his nature to not take a break after a relationship, but to rush and fill that empty spot again. Funny, a month ago I was able to wish for him "light and love" and the thought of him being with someone else was not really painful. I almost felt sorry for him. Sorry for him in that his neediness he will continue to make bad choices. But now, well, it bugs the heck out of me! I never felt jealous of him even the slightest while we were together. Even the other woman eyeing him on stage ... I was the one he was going home with. I always felt so confident in "us" and our future together. Obviously too confident. I sometime wonder if that is part of what he was "reading" from me ... that perhaps I came off as taking it a bit for granted. Maybe I DID take it for grated a bit. Oh, another lesson emerging ... The pool party was fun with just a bunch of single gals. Met one new one and we hit it off. Have a feeling she will become a good friend. This is good for me right now. A new man in my life would have to come crashing through my ceiling for me to pay attention to him right now. Just not ready and am no longer going to try and force it with online dating or the such. I have a great circle of friends and am making new ones each week with these MeetUp groups. I want a friendship first with a man before it ever leads to anything else. So, feeling a bit better today. A little bit stronger than yesterday and have no plans on any "potato deliveries" LOL I'm going to the Del Mar horse races this afternoon with the girls, about 30 of us. It's a big deal for us here in South California, and today is one of the biggest races. Will be good for me to get "all cute" and get back out once again. Maybe I should date a jockey so I could feel like a Super Model? =) He2etic: Loved that post. Interesting stuff to ponder. I think we do let the cheaters go on to hurt others. I am always a bit confused why someone here, who has been cheated on, still wants the famous "friendship" when all is said and done. WHAT kind of friend would that be? Ikonohalanbu: Please get rid of the facebook stuff. I tell you, it IS going to trip you up at some point. I was doing the same thing (well, looking at different stuff) and I finally saw something that hurt. You are taking steps backwards each time you do this. And breaking NC. thatdoggirl: You're doing good. Hang in there ... and keep the radio off for now. I went through the same thing with music for a bit. And many were songs he had sung to me! I can listen now without crying, but that takes time. Be good to yourself. Dave: Yes, I KNOW I am going to laugh about some of my thoughts when I finally get through all of this. There WILL be the day that I look back here, and re-read what I have written and wonder who really wrote it and wonder how I could have been so torn up about it. I am looking forward to that day ... And I wonder what insight I will gain today and what lesson will be wrapped up in it. As dumpees, we really are the lucky ones, because it is us that are forced to self examine and will come out of it better people. They head on their merry ways and continue to make the same mistakes and bad choices....

Yes, it sure does. Congrats on starting to get there ... Keep up the good work.

Day 33.5 Ok guys and gals, STOP me please. I have just come in from my veggie garden. Yeah, I do all the organic stuff and then smoke cigarettes (go figure) I also run and eat vitimins and than drink too much wine. ACK. So I am making this pasta salad for this BBQ/Pool part I am about to go to in an hour. Go to the garden to pick peppers and the such ... Potatoes. I have tried to grow good, small gourmet potatoes for 3-4 years now. I end up with a handful of marbles instead. So this year, in the spring, I plant again ... with him. He is not really a gardener, but he seemed amused to help me and we planted a couple of raised beds. Toasted with a martini after our efforts and I expected the same results. Too good of soil, and potatoes like crappy soil. Yeah well, I was wrong. Poked a finger in, I have the MOST amazing potatoes I have grown. Gourmet red and Yukon golds, and sweet purple potatoes. I want to drop a small bag off on his porch with a note that reads: "You reap what you sow". I KNOW I shouldn't do it. OH but the temptation on the way to the pool party .... Expectations? Not sure. Jab? Not sure? Telling him he was not willing to work on it? (with potatoes LOL) OK, have gotten that out of my system for now .. maybe. Creepy how the dumpers make us feel at times. This was a vent I guess. *sigh*

HaHaHa ... OMG, I have had similar thoughts! Only mine are more evil. Not only that I would never have to see him again, but that he can't be with another babe! Oh, we ARE bad. OK, OK , OK .... we were just kidding God.

Day 33 Crappy morning. Just have a serious case of the blues for some reason. I guess it is part of the ups and downs going through all of this. I will be so grateful for the day I wake up without him being the first thing on my mind. He no longer possesses my every thought, but he is still there strong. Like a demon I can't quite shake. Funny how we start twisting things around in our heads. Last night I started thinking how much clearer all of the "issues" were now. How it was his insecurity that made him run. That this is something HE needs to address and work on, because otherwise, unless he finds himself a true groupie, he will never have a successful relationship. So than I start thinking: Hummmmm. Wonder if I could get him into counseling. Let's get him fixed! =) Silly thoughts. Yes, even at Day 33, and over 3 months since he walked out, there is still that tiny voice of hope whispering to me in my weak moments. Oh how I would love to see him or talk to him. Terrified at the idea, but it still whispers to me. This morning I feel consumed with what he may be thinking. Does he ever regret his choices? Is he still thinking about me and having moments of sadness like I am? Is he out and about with a new babe, or is he spending quiet nights at home with his buddy or alone watching a movie? Will he call me on my birthday? Or think about September 9th, which is the date we met? And why the hell do I still even care? It's over. Acceptance comes and goes in tiny little waves now instead of the crashing surf it felt like when this all first happened. I am healing, but continue to get frustrated that I am not out of the woods. He was not the right one for me. I have to hold stronger to that thought in the soft moments like this morning. The loneliness is beginning to lift these past few weeks as I am making new friends and getting back out there. I have begun to get back into some of my life routines I had before he came crashing into my life ... things such as my garden and my animals and my long evening walks. So for those of you just starting NC, know it does get easier, bit by bit, but you are still moving forward. Even on the bad days. Odd, in one of his parting letters to me he wrote: "All I wanted was you. Now all I want is my life back". Words that will burn in my head forever. And I wonder if he has gotten it back ...

Oh GF, You MUST find the strength to not put yourself through such evenings. I have not read your story, but I do know that IF they ever come back, IF they want it back, they will come to you. No matter the amount of letters, begging and asking for him back is going to work. Please trust that as the truth. You are only hurting yourself right now. Give it a bit of time and give him his space. What you're doing is only pushing him further away and destroying any chances of anything, even a friendship on down the road. You will be amazed at how you begin to get some insight into it all when you can take a few steps back, and sit on the sidelines for awhile. Please take care of yourself better. Can you hang with a GF or family this weekend? You need to be around loving people and not obsess about him. I KNOW, easier said than done. But try. Gosh I feel your pain and the stage you are in right now. We're here for you.

OH GF! If he is ready to make a recovery from the booze, stand back and let him do it. I am assuming it is the AA we think it is? Hang tight. You will make it and kudos for him if he broke it off knowing he has issues to deal with.

Thanks, some days are better than others. But I WILL heal from this. =)

Day 32 Well, I made it through the Street Fair without sight of him. Met some fun people and hung with others that I already knew. Was told a number of times that "that guy was weird" and "I don't worry about you, you're going to be fine". "You look great". Words that were good to hear. All and all was good to get back out there. And the last time I was there, on that exact street in the same spots, was to watch his band play last Spring. Was a bit of an ouch, but I'm glad I went and faced another one of our old haunts. *sigh* Funny, driving away I started to cry again. First time really in days. Not sure if it was the relief of NOT running into him (I was SO stressed that I would), or a touch of saddest and disappointment that I didn't. I fear it was the later, and not sure why. Crazy how I still wish I could see him, be his friend and yet am so terrified by the thought of it. I KNOW what it would do in this point of my healing ... Had a long, wonderful conversation later in the evening with a buddy from here. Funny, as I explain things to him, they continue to get clearer and clearer in my head. I understand more now, and accept more now on how so very fast he did move and how unhealthy or needy that was of him. That I was not the crazy one for trying to slow things down. Perhaps I did not do the "slowing down" the right way, but my intuition was talking and I did the right thing in the long run. So clear now how desperate he is/was to "fill that hole" in his heart. He said and did everything so perfectly, how could I not fall into the trap? And I call it a trap because the speed things were moving was just not actions from a healthy, balanced person. You don't make comments about moving into a person's house without having a conversation about it. Perhaps, as it was said, he was testing the waters. But all too soon ... so I shut it down right out of the shoot. Slammed that door so hard and fast, not realizing how deeply I had wounded him. Lesson learned. Today feels better. When I think back to 3 months ago when he walked out, I can't believe how far I have come. And when I first started NC, how HARD it was, and how much easier it is now. I'm far from out of the woods, but I am no longer that insane person that I had become. I'm not reading his "stuff" anymore. NOTE TO THE GAL WITH FACEBOOK: DON'T DO IT. I no longer jump when the phone rings or look for an email from him. He is gone. And thankfully, without ever having the NC talk, he has backed out of my life and gone quiet. Funny, last time we talked, we both said "call me sometime". Yet, I think he was waiting for me to call. When I didn't/ haven't, I think he believes I have moved on with another. Also got some clarity about online dating last night in that conversation. Just talking about it made me see some new things, or old things I already knew but had forgotten. I believe a good, solid relationship begins with a friendship. It is a dance you will have with another person in your life, be it friend or lover. There is a slow buildup of getting to know each other and discovering if there is any interest beyond friends. There is learning one another's values long before any romance begins. There is no pressure to learn about past relationships, future hopes and dreams, did they come from a stable family or not, etc. Online dating throws you right into the pit, and you lose that first part of the dance. The "interviews" begin and you are both fully aware why you are even meeting in the first place: to find romance. Besides all of the dishonesty that comes with much online dating, I'm not certain that even with an honest person, it is the best way to start a relationship. They are shopping, you are shopping. We become like toys to each other to buy from a catalog. Been there, done that, own the T-shirt. I want to go back to the slow, thoughtful dance. Lesson learned.

He2ectic, Just wanted to make the point on your "test"; So much depends on where a person's head is at at a specific point in life. You could say I am a commitmentphobic right now, but I have also just come out of the crash and burn of the BU. And it was a total surprise. Intense stuff.

GetMeBack, I will take the time to read your story as well. You have good words of wisdom. I hope life is happy for you now. Thank you for sharing ...

Naw. There was a time growing up that I didn't want kids or a husband. In fact I didn't finally commit until my late 20's and ended up marrying him after 7 years of living together. That didn't work out. We both changed so much after the wedding. Had a few other long term relationships (7+ years) that ended on good terms, still able to be friends. This one. Well, this one was different. And you may have some good points. I was perhaps not ready to commit to the degree that he was asking for just yet. But than again, it just happened so bloody fast! To be honest, I asked all the right questions about his past marriage & relationships. I certainly viewed him a possible "he's the one" kinda guy. I know his desires were to also to live together or remarry some day. He wanted full commitment, he just wanted it quicker than I got there, and perhaps too much of me. Hey, we're not kids, but to tell someone you love them about 5-6 weeks into dating is a bit strong. No? We were solid one on one, but to make noise about living together (not discussing, just dropping hints to me) after only about 5 months is a bit fast. No? I will tell you that one of the grand "lessons" I have come away with all of this is, yes, I want to get married again someday. I told him, I never would. I was stuck in scared gear. That combined with his intense need of me just spooked me. Hence, I would back off at times, not be cold in any way, but would reclaim my space for myself. In the breakup he accused me of being a "workaholic & a loner". So I take that part of the blame in the failure for it all. But I think I had the breaks on because he was not the right one for me. Too desperate, too fast, too insecure. But he sure shocked the hell out of me when he suddenly ended it and walked away. I suppose I was wanting more time to move through it, or maybe I really knew he wasn't right. Can't really figure that part out. So back to casual. If the right one comes along, and hopefully someday he will, I'll follow the same path, except this time, I am no longer "stuck in scared". Interesting the clarity that comes with such pain.

Hey Ccali. Good to see you over here. About the "test" .... LOL, are you serious guy? Would totally feak me out of someone did that to me. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Thanks Dave! I AM going to go. And you are right .. who knows? I am going with one of the Meetup groups, so I think there will be at least 40-50 people going. Sure I can hide behind someone! LOL You guys are great.

Thanks He2etic. Again, comforting to know I am not the only one with these feelings. And thanks for the reminder on confronting the fear ... it's going to happen sometime so I might as well be in the control seat.

Day 31 Well, I wasn't sure if I would give up this ritual of typing each morning once I had hit 30 days. I guess I'm not. Still so much healing to be done and such a mixed bag of emotions. It's odd counting the days; hurtful and helpful. Helpful in that I have started to take back my life and stop the insanity of trying to contact him, and in doing so have gotten some closure and a better understanding of it all. But it's hurtful to know that as the days click away, he is also moving on and there is less and less of any chance of anything ever being again. I know it's right, it just doesn't make it any less sad. I really thought by now I would feel better. When I started the 30 days it was to try and get control back over myself. I was going insane wanting to call him, or write him and plotting how I could run into him. It worked in a way I had not expected. I am now TERRIFIED to see him or hear his voice. I know all of the emotions will come flooding back and foolish thoughts of how to make it work will once again dominate my mind. Some days I just feel weaker than others. I suppose the 30 day mark has forced me into a bit more of acceptance, which is also helpful and hurtful. I am supposed to go a street fair / food tasting tonight with one of my meet-up groups. Sounded great at the time and I even bought tickets and have been looking forward to it for weeks. Yesterday, in reading a final update on the event, I noticed 7 bands will be there. If you have read any of my story, you know he has two bands that play locally, as well as teaches music for a living. There is a chance he may be there, either with his band, or with his students, which also perform (and the school is in the same town), or he may simply be there for the event as well. Now I don't know if I can go. Just to see him, even from a distance, even if he would not see me is awful to think about. I can't look at his photos; I can't look at anything that reminds me of him without hurting again. When on earth does this stuff stop? If I go, will I be constantly be on the "look out" for him? What if I see him with a date? What if he wants to talk? It's crazy, but I have felt such turmoil since I read about the bands yesterday. I know at some point we are bound to run into each other. We only live about 20 minutes apart and enjoy many of the same things and places. I can't live my life trying to dodge him. Confused and feel a bit set back this morning ...

Great job on getting the password thing handled. I wish I had done that right out of the shoot because he has no clue I know it. Now it feels like too much time has passed, and I really need to stay NC. Thankfully I am strong enough to not be peeking at his stuff. I know it would only hurt me. Buy boy ... it sure is tempting some times... We're here when you need to talk. Know it gets better, although I'm having a tough one tonight after hitting that 30 day marker. It's over. I know it's over. I know it is for the best it is over. Head, please start talking to heart a bit louder! Shezzzz

Day 30 Well Mad Pagen, we did it. Really didn't think it was possible, and there certainly were days that I almost had to flush my cell phone down the toilet to keep from calling him. 3 months and 2 days since he walked out. 53 days since I last saw him. 30 days since I last heard his voice. What is different? I suppose mostly the clarity that continues to come with time. Things I wasn't able to see through the intense pain and continue to try and understand more completely. I can now see clearly that as much as I love him and as much as I wish we could be together, it simply was not right. Truth be told, I would have hung on much longer, and perhaps even let him move into my house. I have never been loved like that before; so intensely "wanted" by someone and it became quite addicting. But the magic of it would have faded with time and reality would have set in and then I would have been the one to have to end it. It was simply too fast and too perfect. And if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. I will forever maintain my personal rule of 12 months before I ever make a serious move in a relationship. Another difference is the tears. I cried so much those first few weeks I truly thought I was having a nervous breakdown. As the time passed and we had contact a few times trying to be "friends", it would all wash back over me again. Slowly, this past 30 days, there are less tears. I continue to "clean my space" of anything that triggers his memory, and while it certainly doesn't stop the thoughts, it helps. Up until about a week ago, I would still have a few real crying jags ... now it has become more of a small welling up from time to time. Such as now as I am typing. I almost WANTED to cry yesterday, but the tears just would not come. Thankfully. I also am now able to clearly know that it was NOT all my fault. Yes, I take blame in it, but I no longer feel the intense guilt he laid down on me. I take blame in talking myself into a relationship with "well, no one is perfect" instead of listening to my gut and stopping it before it became so intense. I let him break me down so far by letting him put the blame on me, that I had no self-esteem left in any inch of my body. I no longer feel that now and with the time of healing I am able to begin accepting myself again as a good person. I have much to offer, I have learned much from this experience and I know I will be a good partner for the right man when the time is right. And I am learning to forgive him. I hated him that day he walked out. I felt that all of the love he had professed was lies if he could just throw it away to easily. Then my hate turned to simple intense pain and trying to accept that he was certain he didn't want "us". I questioned myself over and over again and would feel such anger at what he did. I hated that he took almost a year from me. I hated him that he was so strong and was able to not contact me, while I was continuing to die a small death daily. Now I am able to see the roles we both played in all of this mess. That I was not just a toy to him, that his feelings were genuine, that he is simply a very sensitive man, a man with abandonment issues, and we are a poor match. I forgive him for ending it because it really was the best for both of us. I was finally able to take down my list from above my desk of "the reasons why it was not right". I don't have to remind myself anymore of the reasons, they are now in my heart. I forgive him for hurting me and I thank him that he was able to be the strong one. I still think about him every day and every hour, more than once. It still hurts beyond belief, but I am learning to accept it now. At times I still wish for it back, but what I wish for really wasn't what I thought it was. Sad, but so true. So I am able to push him from my mind a bit easier now after 30 days. I don't know if I will ever be able to be his friend. For now, it is still too painful to see him or hear his voice, and I fear I would be blinded again. So I will continue NC. Funny, he wrote me a few weeks after he left that he could not see me because I was " a seductive creature" and that he could not trust his heart. Now I understand. As I have said before, when I can take that memory box down, look at the contents and not feel this pain, is the time I will perhaps test the waters on being friends. I am far from there, but so much closer than I was at Day 1. Kayla: Be grateful he does not want to be friends right now. It simply does not work this early in the healing process. God knows I tried, and all I did was hurt myself more and give him the "fix" that he needed. Clarity creeps in slowly as you maintain NC. Hugs. Hopelives: My birthday is a week from Saturday and I am also going to Vegas. I need the distraction and it sounds like it may have been a good choice. I still wonder and worry if he will contact me to wish me a happy birthday. We are at about the same point in NC. Hang in there. Dave: Starting over? I think we have already begun. You, like I, have gone from having one foot in and one foot out the door to now just having barely a foot stuck in the crack. Each move they make; reject us again with words or remove us from buddy lists, or the such ... the door closes further. We're already different people and now need to remove the foot all together, turn around, and walk the other direction. Without the regrets of lost time. Try to hold on to the good parts that once were but needed to end. I hear you and feel for you. thedoggirl: Yes, the head tug of war is cruel. I think something we all are having. The first couple of weeks is the toughest. Know it does get easier. And I would NOT go on that trip with him if you can avoid it. Even a month from now is too soon to see someone you still harbor feelings for. Trust me ... did that. Came home in a crash and burn of tears for days again. Again, I am thankful for the words of wisdom and support here. I'm not certain I would be starting to see the light of day if I did not have this place to come and type and cry and read the stories of what all of us are going through. It has helped knowing I am not alone. Thank you. We all will survive this ...

Yep. Cept I was the one doing it, and I'm not even sure why. Did not really get buddy-buddy with his friends, but I sure found a few excuses to have contact with his friends right after we broke up. Guess I was trying to figure out where his head was at? Or perhaps also present "my side" of the story? Not sure. But I did it. And thankfully have stopped.

Day 29 Yesterday was a tough one. The 3 month mark of him walking out and leaving me in utter SHOCK. I still remain so confused over the mixed signals and how I just didn't see it coming. I am proud I have made it this far in NC. While in the beginning, I accepted all the blame for not being what he needed me to be. He really had me convinced that he had said it all, written it all, and I had not seen it. Now, I am able to step back a bit more and realize that a normal, rational person simply does not act like he did. Writing a love letter of "how great I feel about us" one day, and 3 days later having a small riff where I needed some space for a few hours, and the next day he walks in and pretty much says "I can't take it anymore, here's your stuff" ... is NOT rational. I realize now how super sensitive he really is, and that I did hurt him by "leaving him out in the cold" when I had a bad moment. Never a Bi*ch or any mean words spoken, but I did take my space back when I was having upsets. But, it is still not a normal or adult reaction in how he handled it. The word UNSTABLE continues to spring to mind. And that he would do it again. I fear he suffers from the fear of rejection after his wife left him (and ALSO shocked him.. hummmm) 3 years ago when she walked out. Funny how he did the same thing to me. It is almost as if it pained him when I could not be 24/7 ALL of the time, and the fear of being hurt again made him run. Sweet, special man and I hope he figures this out and works on it because he is going to be in for a world of hurt over and over again if he can't change it. Mad Pagan: My Ex is also on Match also. Put me in a tail spin when he did it so soon after breaking up. Made me feel good that he was still "active within 24 hours" all the time, in other words still searching after 3 months of leaving. Well, I too made the mistake of looking yesterday: now "active within 3 days". OUCH! I know what that means, because we met on Match, and after a few weeks of dating, he let his Match account go silent. It means he has found someone and I am kicking myself in the ass for ever looking. WHY do we do this stuff to ourselves? Hang in there. You sound so much stronger these days. Dave: Good to see you back. I'm sorry you had to go through getting your heart stepped on again. It simply sucks. I did it the last time I saw my Ex, 2 months into the breakup. When he said "I'm truly sorry I can't go back to what it was", I just died another tiny death and started all over again in healing. I guess we have to test the waters from time to time, but I hate giving him that power back over me to hurt me again. My birthday is also on the horizon. Trying so hard to convince myself to accept the fact that he will not call. But there is still that stupid hope that tickles the back of my mind. And if he doesn't, I can't stop thinking about snide little messages to TXT him the next day. Awful. Have to get that out of my head. Today will be better. I just don't know why I still pine over him when I know it would never be the right relationship for me. It's like a damn addiction I can't let go ...

Sounds like maybe a few sessions with a pro? I really helped me in the beginning and I think set me up to at least get moving forward a bit. I'm still stuck but SO much better than 3 months ago. Think about it. Can also help you with your personal problems instead of having to turn to her.

The best thing you can do for YOU and for the relationship is back off. It is FAR from easy, but it really is the best. If he wants it back, he knows how to find you. Hang in there. It's tough stuff ...

Trust me when I say you are only hurting yourself more. I have looked at and read things I wish I had never seen. At first, when they still seem to be "with you" you feel relieved. It's when you see something about that they have moved on, you will regret ever looking. Hang in there. If you always had to contact him in the past, is that the type of relationship you really want?