StillSmiling

David, You sound in a much better place now. But I wish you would not program yourself for never having a future with another. You just never know ... And I'm certain there were many great times in those 22 years. Don't regret. Be grateful for them. *Hugs*

Blue Dahlia, Thank you again for your words. I KNOW I should not see him, or email, or whatever ... I went 36 days before and was telling others the same thing you are telling me. When he put me back on his buddy list after all that time .. WHAMMO! He was sniffing around and I got weak and emailed him. Then a brief phone call, not much discussed, and now the flowers for my birthday ... I'm not sure WHY I can't just ask him about his intentions. Perhaps I fear it will just slam the door for good when he says "NO". Perhaps I fear he is not ready or able to even discuss that so blantently on the phone? That I need to actually look him in the eyes to see what is really there? Or not? He DOES believe I am involved and have moved on ... it's a long story but I lead him to believe that. So maybe part of seeing him is to correct that lie. Going crazy here ...

No, but thank you for asking. I have let that email sit, and had to actually put the flowers off in another room to not cry every time I saw them. I am pretty sure he will call next week for "that martini" date". I struggle with if it is a good idea. One side of head says STOP IT! IT's over. Heart says: you have to play it out one more time. For now, I won't decide. How are you holding up?

Stay with us here. You are not dying one day at a time, you are re-learning how to live. We all are here. And I share your pain but be have to KNOW that this is not forever. We will come out the other side, and as better and stronger people. And more prepared for the next round ... *Hugs*

I don't understand it either. I have not seen him for almost 3 months, and we live 20 minutes apart. Our conncetion was also VERY intense ... and then it was just gone without warning. I suppose that is part of why I too am so stuck. No fights, no warning, mixed signals that it was all so great ... We'll get through this. At 30 days I was getting there. Could kick myself in the ass for re-opening the door.

Thanks for the wishes. I'm pretty sure he would answer "NO". I suppose it's that silly thought some of us get that "if I can only get in front of him again, he will see what he has lost". I'm not even sure I want it back, truth be told. I think I want back what I THOUGHT it was. Stepping back, perhaps the real people were starting to emerge. Maybe I just want the chance to end it on my terms this time ... And I am terrified that he would do it again ... walk out leaving me shocked.

Day 1 Again. WHY I opened this door again after 36 days of NC, I will never understand. Last night when I got home from work, a large bouquet of my favorite flowers and a card were left on my porch. A belated birthday gift and he knew I was just back into town. Nothing overly sentimental, but he continues to sign everything with "love". Then again, I still do as well. And an email he wrote late last night setting up having "that martini" sometime next week. It was a special ritual for us to do at times. Tuesday it will be one year that we met. Hard to believe how much has happened and how much emotion this past year. The incredible high and never feeling so happy in a relationship ... to the worse pain in a breakup I have ever felt. Can't figure out why I am so stuck this time... All of my head is screaming to go back to total NC and not go out with him. My friends continue to tell me to not see him, or even think of him as they know how wounded I still feel. Except for one, who thinks I need to walk that path and see what happens. I am so confused. Once again, he is sending mixed signals. And even more than confused, I'm scared to see him. It's been over 3 months since I've seen him. It was a disaster the last time. No harsh words, just a soft and sweet statement that he can't go back to what it was. Is there anything more painful than being "friendzoned" when you are still in love with someone? I can't think straight anymore. I just want to forget him and move on. I don't know what to do. Perhaps if I don't go out with him, I would always wonder. I'm just afraid of starting that intense pain all over again ... I'm not sure how much more I can take.

Rosie, hang in there. I relate to so much you are saying. Not sure WHY we always feel there is MORE we need to say to them. It does not bring closure (I think), but we set ourselves up for more hurt. Wishing for strength for both of us. You, like I, am not a kid and we should be able to get through this easier ... WHY is it so tough? *Hugs*

Day 7 (?) Well, after 36 days of NC we talked. First through email, and than finally the dreaded phone call. I had told him in email I would be out of town for the holiday weekend. He phoned and left a message that he had something he wanted to give me for my birthday, but that it was "perishable". So he DID remember my birthday was coming up. And I phoned him back ... We agreed to that martini when I got back into town. I'm just home last night from Vegas. And yes, I checked my phone and email all day on my birthday, thinking he would contact ... but of coarse he didn't. So it has now been a week since we spoke. We left the call as "I'll call you, or you call me". Now I have no clue what to do. He knows I am back home today ... Felt great to hear his voice. I was happy we spoke before I tried to have a fun trip but knew I would be thinking and wondering about a birthday wish. So at least that is over. It was a very nice and sweet conversation, and not much talk about the old "us". He still thinks I am involved with someone new, something I regret leadinghim to believe. Yesterday waiting at the airport, the tears came back a bit. I suppose it was knowing I was coming back to reality and this hell hole I have created in my heart of still missing him so much. Knowing I will see him ... wanting to, but afraid to. These wounds are still so open after almost 4 months of him leaving and after almost 3 months since I last saw him. I just don't understand what either of us are trying to do by seeing one another again. I feel like I am just setting myself back up for more hurt as I know he is not looking to have me back. And I really don't know what I would do if he did want me back. I do know how great it would feel ... but I don't now if it would really last. Perhaps it is time to repost my list above my desk on why it was all so wrong ... God, please help me look at him through a different set of eyes and see it for what it really was and be able to finally let go ... This so sucks again ...

Day 0 I have no clue what I am doing or even feeling right now. Three emails and a phone call message from him .. is that breaking NC? LOL After our few "how you doing?" emails back and forth, without either of us really saying much about how we were feeling, he called last night. I had gone to bed early so didn't answer, and he left me a message. Said he was going to send me something for my birthday, but that I will be out of town. "Oh well". I knew he would remember it coming upon Saturday. So bitter sweet, and I wonder what it would have been. Told me to call him back and said "I could talk to you". So, the door is open and I have no idea what is on the other side, although I remain pretty certain it is a "friendship". He sounded cautious in that statement and I suspect it is because he believes I have moved on. Or when I asked him out for a martini that he is afraid I am heading back down that path of trying to get him back again. I want so badly and I pray for, my love for him to have evolved to loving him as a person that was once such a special part of my life, not the intense, crazy romantic love it had been for almost a year. I want to be able to look at him with different eyes now, and I'm not certain I can. I pray for light and love for him and pray that I can wish him happiness in his life without me. I started reading "Starting Over" by Grey, and while I am not a big Gray fan, he has some very interesting points he makes. Things about romantic love verses true deep love, and that "high" we come off of when the honeymoon period is over. Average time is 2 years he says ... I don't think we could have ever kept on going after that period was over. I wonder now if I was (am) in love, with being in love. All SO romantic and intense and all blue skies and lollipops. None of the mundane real life stuff that would have to enter the picture once that honeymoon is over with. We have so many very different core values that conflict. A major one being his lack of any spirituality, while my God and Universe are very important to me. I leave in a few hours for my Vegas trip and worry about calling him back and if it will send me into another tailspin. If only I can keep the conversation light and not discuss "us" and what is now in the past. Jumbled up inside and trying so hard to sort it all out in what I really want, what I really know it to be, what we are capable of in being friends, or not being able to see or talk to each other at all for now. I suppose only time will tell. It's quite scary testing these waters after 3 months have passed and over a month since I last heard his voice. Dave: You WILL make it this time. I hear it in you that you are gaining strength every day, and also getting some of the clarity we all need. I too wonder (and worry) if I will ever feel such a love again. I think it is something most of us worry about here ... even at some some young and tender ages. He2: Also had the feelings of needing to do that "jab". Don't do it, ever. I did it and now really regret it. I thought it would make me feel better, but in the long run I regret it now. We once, or still do love them. We should be stronger and more gentle in not wanting to strike out with a blow at them. I know, easier said than done. KaylaJoy: Thanks so the much needed hugs. You are sounding so much better and stronger. Just be careful about the Facebook thing. For other friends great ... to look at him, well, you could be setting your self up for things you are not going to want to see or know just yet. I know because I snooped too at one point. And when I read about his invite of some babe coming to his house and he was making dinner for her, it crushed me. Those were MY memories, and a table he shared with me, and suspect a bed he shared with me. Be careful please. Well, wish me luck in returning the phone call and not falling apart, and wish me luck in Vegas! =)

ccali, i wanted him to hurt to. I think you have great support here. I too can tell myself it is all wrong for it to ever go back again, but it does not stop the "missing" in the early stages of the game. I also wanted to hurt him back at times. Wanted him to chase just so I could be the one to shut it down. But, in the long run, it doesn't matter. What matter is we heal ourselves and find out our part in the failure of it all and learn from it. And be ready when the time comes again ... You have such cute pics. Be careful here.

I don't feel it is. As long as it really was unintentional. Hopefully, he will know that and not try to contact you back. Wish I felt as strong as you right now ...

Well, I TOTALLY blew NC, after 36 days. And I'm uncertain how I feel about it. Yesterday afternoon he popped up on my buddy list, after he removed me weeks ago. I crumbled and IMd him, but just said "Hey Stranger". No reply and he logged off right after. So then I felt stupid. So last night I wrote him a short note saying sorry about the IM, but that I was just surprised he had put me back on his list so we can see each other online. That I suppose both of us are wondering how each other is doing. Told him I had not called, because I really wasn't sure if it was OK, and that I would again respect his privacy. So I pick up his email back this morning. Basically says don't be sorry. That he never got the IM, and yes, he was wondering how I was doing. And "you can call me anytime; I thought I had made that clear". And a few notes on what he's been up to with work stuff. And ends it with 'How about you?" So the door is open again. I am 99.99% certain I have been totally friendzoned and a bit uncertain on what to do next. Maybe this is the next step in getting it over with? Am I able to talk to him without bringing up the relationship? Do I need one more final kick in the teeth to move on? I've felt so much in limbo these past few weeks. Being pretty certain he is not involved as he is still on the dating sites and active. Him thinking that I HAVE gotten involved, but really am not. I know that is why he has not made contact. Wondering if he ever thinks he may have made a mistake (doubt it). I know he is not intentionally messing with my head. Is it just going back to him trying to sooth his guilt over hurting me? Is he really ready to try having a friendship, or am I just a "fix" he needs? What a mess of emotions again. I want so badly to see him and talk to him, but I have no idea how I will feel coming out of it. I still teared up a few days ago as I moved some of his pictures. Or will I now be able to look at him, now with more clarity, and be able to say to myself: Nope. It's not the right person. I leave tomorrow for 6 days to be out of town for my birthday on Saturday. A plan I made because I didn't want to sit around and feel sad that the plans we had made aren't happening. Perhaps just a short, happy note back to him and let things lay until I get back from holiday. Something has to get me unstuck from this place ...

Good for you ccali! I always felt so frustrated that I could not get/stay angry at him. I really believe it does help inthe healing process. Hang in there.

Has to be so hard for all of you here that are forced into seeing them because of kids or work. Can't imgine. Yes Dave. More time and you certainly are getting the clarity. *Hugs*

Just said "Hey Stranger" .. and he signed off without an answer. Dave, I have been honest with you what he "thinks" is really up, so I doubt he will make the 1st move *sigh* This SO SUCKS!

I KNOW you are so right. We will do nothing but hurt each other again because we should not be together. God, I hate feeling that hope springs forward again .... Gotta ignore it .. Thank you.

CRAP! I just IM'd him "Hi Stranger!" No response. But WHY did he put me back on his list???????????????????????????????????? Oh damn! I was doing so good! Fricking ray of hope strikes again! ************************* OK, he just logged off without a response. I don't get it! GRRRRRRRRRRR Do I have to go back to Day 1?????

Oh God give me strength! I just happened to log into a user name on AOL that I usually don't use. Weeks ago, he had removed me from his Buddy Lists, and I did the same. We couldn't see each other on line any more. So UP POPS his name on this rare screen name. OK OK OK, so I had forgotten to ever take it off, right? Check my regular screen name, the one he knows and used to have me on, CRAP, he's put me back on his list! I can see him online! What does this mean????????????? The temptation to Im him is OVER WELMING NOW .... Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Day 36 Some days I wonder why I still type here every morning. I suppose it keeps me stronger in NC and reminds me of how hurtful it was when I had last spoken to him or saw him. So scared of being rejected again. So afraid to hear that he has moved on ... My days are, for the most part, getting better and the tears have dried a bit. A well up once in awhile, but it is mostly because I know now it was not what I thought it was. I "tested" the waters just a touch this morning and moved some photos of him that I had taken down and stuck up on a shelf. I was moving them to my memory box ... but I looked at them. Him and his sax and that darn twinkle in his eyes. It is still SO painful. I just want to cry out I MISS YOU! For some reason I want him to know that. I want to push away my pride and just be honest with him. Honest that I have not moved on, that I still think of him every hour. I want so badly to get to that place of acceptance. I am partially there, yet there remains the tiny voice. I wonder about the idea of way on down the road, when our paths do cross again, if we could try again ... take it slower this time ... communicate better. Have it back ... But, I need to trust God that I am exactly where I am meant to be right now. The inner peace seems so elusive today ...

Nothing. You are simply in the very first stages of the mess. Just realize you are prolonging the moving on until you stop this behavior. I know it's REALLY hard, and I thought I could never do it. But I have, and life is getting better. Cry, scream, punch pillows, post and read here ... but don't contact him. *Hugs*

Day 35 I realized something new happened yesterday while I was out with friends. I actually went pretty long periods of time without thinking of him. What a nice break for my head and my heart! I'll admit to looking for him the crowd at the races a few times, and of coarse did not see him. The days are getting a touch easier. The moments I cry or feel that stabbing wound are less and less now. Still wish I could see him. Still wish I could speak to him or email him. I still miss him so much. But I know I am not ready. And maybe I will never be ready. Perhaps he is going to be the first man ever in my life that just disappears forever. Sad to think about. Started on a pretty serious vitamin regimen, as I still don't have the interest or motivation to cook and really eat properly. I suppose that also will come back in time. I feel like the vitamins are perhaps helping with the stress as well. Maybe it's all in my head, but it feels like something is happening. Maybe it is just the time passing without contacting him ... The next improvement in this whole mess in to quit smoking. Will wait until after Vegas to get that under control ... Hang in there fellow NCers. It does get better.